where is this going?

[ranran]

Hi, I'm new here. I am a lesbian and I have a uBPDgf. To be precise, she's probably a transparent BPD, high functional + introverted. We basically diagnosed her together. She is seeing a therapist but for her depression only.

I'm just not sure where this is going. Her past behaviours fit all those symptoms, we're just 3 months in and I've already seen her flipping 5-6 times. 3 days ago, since I was aware of her problem of "receiving gifts", which is similar to others' "birthday/anniversary" problem, and she was quite calm in the past whole week, I asked her if it's ok that I get her something sometimes, maybe just a spare tee for her to wear at my place, as she didn't bring a lot of things to my country (she moved here just a year ago). I thought I was being careful to say that, I just came across this tee that looks similar to the one she's wearing right then, so I thought she could use a spare one especially in this hot season and we can wash clothes more often. And of course this turned into a fight and she cried silently all night and all next morning. I can't really make any sense of it at all. Should be something about me buying her a tee means I'm controlling her. I said she actually bought me quite a lot of things too, I didn't feel that she's controlling me. Then she said she doesn't care about what I feel when she bought me things... . etcetc. Then I sort of knew that she's in that mode and stopped arguing with her. Then she just cried and cried.

Just last night, when she's fine again, I asked her if she has told her therapist about the condition, which she's promised me to do so. She claimed we hadn't researched about this illness before the last session, which is not true, which I remember clearly that I've actually offered to print the information for her so that she could just hand it over without saying anything "in next week's session", and she couldn't possibly forget that etcetc... Anyways. I just found that she's twisted the truth to suit herself again. Then I went silent and she noticed it. We then discussed about my worries which I didn't really wanna tell. I'm worried about the future, I'm afraid to see her actions that keep confirming to me and to us that she's really out of control of herself, that she's really ill. Tonight I just escaped from anymore talks with her or anything that might trigger her symptoms.

She's blocked me out a few times before, by not replying calls, by completely just lost her emotions and functionalities right in front of me. It was almost like her mind has left her body. I can't say I've seen it all, but I've seen quite enough by now. Why am I still with her? Well, some of the "symptoms" seem to have faded, eg. her substance abuse and casual sexual encounters ended more than 10 years ago. She managed to raise 2 kids and they seem to be fine. She knows her problems in another way, ie. she knows a few of her problems individually and found ways to solve them. Eg. she knows she has no control over herself, so she invests in properties to make her cash flow really low, hence no way to spend money in crazy ways. She's really not doing drugs anymore and she seldom drinks now (which were her heavy addictions). A few days before she flipped, she actually could feel it and would try to calm herself (not always successful, but what I care for is the awareness). And these days, as we found out about BPD together, she agrees and admits to that this illness fits her the most and she's really aware of it. Since then, she actually completely avoided all those "I don't have a problem/You have a problem" talks which we've had frequently before. She's THAT aware of it and seems to be able to control it. I'm sort of telling myself that she's a mild case and there's hope that we can have a normal relationship someday. However, whenever she flips again, I question myself, what the hell am I doing... .

Personally, I want a stable life and I actually wanna have kids. I feel alright to be with her, but I'm not sure if I'd feel alright to have kids with her. Yes, her kids seem fine, but she also told me how she would teach her kids (with her fluctuating values). And I did see how the kids grew up and had to adapt to her unstable families. I don't wanna get into the details of her kids, but I do honestly hope that my kids could have a more stable family than theirs. She also told me about how she taught her teenaged daughter about having casual relationships. I'm trying not to judge, but I know I wouldn't teach the same to my own kids.

Sometimes I even question, if she really is in love with me or not. Or which part of her is in love with me. I learnt that I can't have direct feelings to her actions, I have to process them and identify if they're some symptoms or normal reactions. I'd know that she's flipping when she frantically tries to make things my problems, or when she's twisting truths, but how do I know if the good ones are actually just uncontrollable symptoms too?

How do people do this? What should I be hoping for? Seriously, why can't I get her a tee? 

[seeking balance]

 

How do people do this?

That is a great question and the folks that I see who are successful have a determination to make sure to take care of the things they can (selves) and support their BPD partner in therapy, but don't do it for them.

The staying board has a lot of lessons and tools that can help you in communications.

The book - High Conflict Couple may help as well.

Letting go of the things that really are not that big of a deal (the T) but focusing on the bigger picture can help.  I really had to let go of being "Right".  Our MC asked me, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be right".

Do you have a T for yourself so you can discuss your future and what you really want it to look like?

Peace,

SB