First i saw him... then he called me

[Emelie Emelie]

I have actually been feeling a tiny bit stronger the last couple of days.  Even a little bit angry at him.  Then today I was at a stop light, looked to my left and there he was getting out of his car.  I live in a relatively big city.  I was stunned.  And started to bawl my eyes out.  He didn't see me.  I kept driving and trying to get a grip.  Then I'm in a meeting, my office, and my phone starts ringing.  Looked at the caller ID... guess who?  Didn't answer.  So he texts that he found something of mine that I had lost.  And I'm in this freaking meeting trying not to cry because of course I hoped the reason he was calling was "I need you" or something of that nature.  What the hell is wrong with me?  He's the last thing I need.  So I replied along the lines of "Oh.  Nice."  And he said he'd get it to me and I replied could you please just drop it in the mail?  No response from him on that one.  I know he's pissed.  He wants to be "friends".  Or  friends with benefits anyway.  But I am like WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?  Is this ever going to get better?  I miss him so much I can't stand it.  I know he's not capable of a healthy relationship but I love him and I miss him.  I miss him so much. 

[Suzn]

There is nothing wrong with you Emelie.    I'm sorry you're hurting. Yes, it does get better, you said so yourself, you were feeling stronger. Was this the first time you've seen him in a while? That's always very hard.

[Emelie Emelie]

No.  We broke up four weeks ago and I saw him two weeks ago.  Total train wreck that was.  You know the stupid thing is I saw the car and thought OMG is that him?  But  I seem to see his car everywhere these days and it's not him.  But then he gets out.  And he looked so... . dejected.  Which could have been anything but I know he's struggling with this breakup too (although he initiated it) and it about killed me.  I hate this.  I hate that I can't get a grip.  I hate that I miss him so much.  I hate all of it.  I just don't want to feel anymore.

[Suzn]

Oh I remember seeing my ex's car everywhere too. You are sad right now Emelie, getting a grip is what? Not crying? Crying is a release you need my friend. I'm sorry this is hard. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you Suzn. 

[recoil]

What you are feeling is normal.  It will also pass with time.  I remember when my ex would call me after seeing me.  False hope would strengthen.  Now?  I'm completely indifferent to it and doing what I'm supposed to be doing; enjoying my life.

You will get stronger with time.  It's amazing what no longer bothers me.  As a point, the other day I saw my replacement driving through the neighborhood.  I actually starting laughing to myself.  There was no jealousy.  No sadness.  No desire to reach out and warn him about BPD; only humor.

Don't get me wrong.  I will occasionally have a moment of sadness.  I let the feeling come and it goes quite quickly.  I don't ruminate like before.  It's been over 7 months (the interaction was about 17 months).  I think I really started feeling better around month five.

[Emelie Emelie]

I knew he'd be angry that I asked him to drop the bracelet in the mail.  My way of going LC.  But last night he raged at me via text for a good hour.  Long after I stopped responding.  How I've done nothing but send him insensitive, hurtful texts since the breakup.  (Did it.  Sent more than a few sobbing I love you and I miss you and I'm heartbroken texts.)  I went out on a date two weeks after the break up which apparently makes me some kind of slut.  I can't be friends.  I can't tell him to stay away from my friends.  (He asked two of my female coworkers out for drinks.)  He told me I was just like two of his friends who have stopped speaking to him.  I haven't been "loving or sensitive" since the break up.  ?  I ask if he's okay and I don't hiting listen to the answer (which has always been yes.)  I finally said hey... . you dumped me, remember?  Then the really mean stuff started.  "Yes I did!  And you were soo undeserving... . "  Sarcasm there.  And proceeded to shred me. 

He was obviously drunk.  I know I shouldn't take it personally.  I know he's not about to start taking responsibility for his behavior now.  And I get that he was probably hurting last night too.  And he's no longer in "control" of the relationship.  But I never expected this type of venom and it hurt.  I think this is what you all call getting painted black.  He has actually been fairly kind to me up until now.  I didn't think this could hurt worse but it does.  Two weeks ago we actually had a decent, closure oriented conversation.  Short story we acknowledged that we loved and missed each other but this was for the best and wished each other well.  And now this?

[NiceGuy83]

Emelie, there is every chance he either saw you when he got out of his car, or even meant for you to see him.  It is unlikely that him calling you so soon afterwards was just a coincidence.  BPD people can go to bizarre lengths to try and keep a line of communication open, and they will often do so indirectly.

Example: my ex has signed up for things in the post, but directed them to my house, even though she moved out 4 months ago.  Why?  Well, obviously, she wants me to ring or text to say I have her post.  Instead, I am returning to sender. 

BPD people also cannot handle guilt.  If you cry, this is an attack on them, and will trigger their defense mechanisms, which include projecting the blame onto you.  A BPD person cannot think of your feelings, but will obsess only on their own.  You no longer make them feel good about themselves, so you are now a 'bad person' to them. 

Your break-up was only a month ago; mine four.  It does get easier, but it also takes a lot of time.  Try not to be on your own too often.  Try not to drink too much or too often.  And try to keep busy.  Reflection is good and healthy, and so is crying, as long as you don't let it take over your life.

[Emelie Emelie]

That is exactly it.  My expressing my sadness over this was "$hitty".  Any emotion I ever expressed that made him feel bad was me being "$hitty".  When I was trying to draw some personal boundaries in the relationship I was out of line because "I don't wish to hear how bad I make you feel anymore".  This was actually one of his stated reasons for the break up.  Of course he got to hurl or yell or snarl every emotion that flitted across his mind and I was supposed to be understanding of that. 

Well he did follow up by leaving me a message at my office a bit ago.  It was about some inane thing and he said "So, that's it, talk to you later.  And oh by the way, sorry about last night.  I may not show it but I'm very hurt and having a hard time too." 

This is all just too freaking sad.  I love the guy so much but I know I need to stay away.  Trying to let go with love and move on with my life.  And thanks NiceGuy... . lots of good advice.  I'm working on it.

[NiceGuy83]

Emelie, this was actually my second BPD breakup, so I have handled it more easily than my first, two years ago.

Then, my brain played tricks on me for more than 2 months, telling me I loved her.  I remember crying every day for weeks, telling myself that 'letting her go' was the last gift I could give to someone I loved so much.

In hindsight, I look back at these thoughts with incredulity!  When I actually analyse what I found so attractive about her, it is clear I was not 'in love'.  BPDexGF no.1 was, frankly, dull, sulky, selfish, a religious hypocrite and a compulsive liar.  In short, she was the kind of person I would usually want nothing to do with.  So why did I think I was in love?

The truth is, she filled a need in me, just like I did in her.  That is the essence of co-dependency, a trait common to BPD relationships.  This applies equally to BPDexGF No.2.  They 'saved and revitalised' me when I was already depressed and lonely.  The passion of the relationship was intoxicating.  The physical connection was amazing, and made me feel like some sort of super-stud.  The emotional connection seemed real; the way they would gaze into my eyes, tell me I was beautiful, perfect, the best boyfriend ever... .

They made me feel good about myself, and that is what I mourned.  Frankly, I see nothing (now) in either of them that I find attractive.  I have purposely NOT dated again this time, to give myself time to reflect on why I have accepted such unacceptable behaviour in relationships, and to try and make sure I do not make the same mistakes again.

Look at the facts, not your feelings, Emelie... . do you still see characteristics in your ex that you find attractive?  Or do you miss how attractive he made you feel about yourself? 

You do have it harder than me: your ex is still contacting you.  You've said you know it's over, and you want to move on.  Are you ready to change your phone number or block his yet?

We're here for you, Emelie, and you'll be ok.  *hugs*

[eniale]

He said you sent "hurtful" texts when what you said was "I love you, I miss you"?  He is really trying to get to you.  Also, sounds like by contacting you with excuse he found something of yours is him trying to suck you back in.  The old push/pull.  Keep remembering how much he hurt you.  Do you want more of that?  Because that is what you will get.  Don't ever expect him to think as you do!  BPD people do not think the same as normals.  Now you have the upper hand -- KEEP IT by not giving in and responding.  I know this is very, very hard.  My ex wanted to be "friends" too, but the core values I seek in friends -- being trustworthy, honest, honorable -- are the same values I seek in a S.O.  He has none of these.  You are compassionate; he is cruel, and the hard part is breaking your Trauma Bond to him.  It will get easier as time goes on, I promise you.  We are here for you!  Stay strong.  This is a very hurtful man, and even though you may feeling love & compassion for him, he is not capable of feeling that for you.  You deserve better & there are good men out there.  He is an obsession for you, difficult to break the bond, do research on Trauma Bonding.  Best of luck!  Stay strong!

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you.  I'm trying!  To NiceGuy I do still see good qualities in him... . not just how he made me feel.  That's why I got involved in the first place.  I thought here's a guy with "good character".  But... . I guess when I think about it a lot of that it stuff he does to ease his shame and guilt over his BPD behaviors.  Although I think the only one he really recognizes is anger... . raging.  It is very important to him to have people think he's a "good guy".  He overcompensates in that way.  And outside of relationships he really probably is a very good guy.  He just can't deal with relationships.

The tricky thing is I have to meet him for a few minutes tonight.  As it happens he does have something of mine that I need and I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow.  I am telling myself to keep it short, keep it all business... . and most importantly do not have any expectation that I'm going to feel better in any way after this meeting.   

[NiceGuy83]

Shame that you have to see him; that puts power in his hands.  So maybe try and control the meeting.  Don't ask how he is, or discuss anything personal.  Don't say it's nice to see him, or that he's looking well.  Just ask him for your stuff, say thank you.  Then immediately say, 'Gotta dash, bye' and turn and leave.  Anything else is going to get you sucked in.

[NiceGuy83]

One last thing, unless it's your passport or visa, do you actually really need what he has? 

My gf left owing me over $1,000.  Am I going to chase her?  God no; it would just be an excuse for her to keep me stringing along.  I had some of her stuff; she didn't ask for it, so I binned it.

Going NC is about avoiding the little excuses to re-engage in contact. 

[Emelie Emelie]

I did need to see him.  I'm leaving on vacation and needed a refill on my migraine medication and the pharmacy was out... . apparently some sort of shortage.  I had a bottle at his house. 

Well I wasn't as businesslike as I planned.  Ended up accepting a drink and talking for awhile.  It was emotional but it wasn't bad.  It was, once again, all about him.  Poor pitiful him.  Taking responsibility for nothing.  "If I hadn't walked out that night... . "  I said do you remember WHY I walked out that night?  He said well you can't expect that we're never going to fight.  Well yes I can because I'm done playing.  My phone rang, it was a friend so I just declined the call, "Is that a call you don't want to take in front of me?"  Whatever.  He broke it off with me. I wasn't about to feel guilty about how lonely and unhappy he is.  What exactly am I supposed to do about that?  And he was still just kind of a jerk.  Which was a good reminder of what he'd been like the past couple of months.  So all in all it was a good thing.  Helps me to let go.  Still love him.  Still miss him.  I'm sure I've still got tears to shed.  But I feel like I'm on the upswing.

[Emelie Emelie]

And tonight it's down swing.  Posting here so I don't text him.  God this is all so hard.  I can't imagine why I, and many of us, have this incredible need for someone who hurts us so much.  I get so angry at myself!  I get angry at him.  And of all the BS conversation we've had since the break up I've never said what I really wanted to say.  That he had someone who loved him despite his "issues" and he just threw it away.  And now he wants me to feel sorry for him because he doesn't "have anybody".  What the heck?  Does he really not get it? He knows, he KNOwS, I was destroyed by this.  God knows I lost all pride and told him often enough.  And he's not saying I'm sorry, I F'ed up.  He's saying this is really hard on me and I don't have anybody.  And I haven't been very "sensitive or loving" since said break up.  It's really incredible.  He's an emotional four year old.  I know he's just trying to keep me on some string until he finds someone else.  He may not know it but I do.  No illusions here.  I just wish I could fast forward two or three or however many months it's going to take and not care anymore.

[NiceGuy83]

*Sigh* There's no easy, early fix I'm afraid.

I'm glad you're fighting the urge to text him.  Contact with our BPD exes recycles us back to thinking/ruminating/obsessing over them.

You can't fast-forward, but you can avoid rewinding.  That's the best you can do.  It will get better, and easier.  You'll be ok; it just takes time.   

[patientandclear]

Emelie:

Your particular story reminds me very much of mine -- in particular, the mind-bending reversal of blame and responsibility for the breakup.

My ex left me very suddenly, when things had been great.  I was devastated.  I had enough hope for reconciliation that I didn't blast him with a fire hose of "this is the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen" or "I'm utterly destroyed," but I made clear I was incredibly hurt and didn't agree.  While I was still arguing & contesting (all by email BTW -- he stood me up & wouldn't see me in person), he was really cold and quite firm.  Like a different person than the one I'd been with until that point.

At a certain point he explained the decision in terms that I couldn't talk my way around (that he wasn't up for dealing with a kid -- something he took back later so I've almost forgotten how rotten it was to hear that for the first time -- he obviously knew I had a kid, he had adult kids of his own, and he'd gone on & on about how patient he would be with me around my daughter when he was getting close to me).  So finally I just said OK, I wish you didn't feel that way, but you're right, if you do, we have no business going further down the road together.

As soon as I "accepted" his decision, he stopped trying to enforce it & entered this zone where he was the sad, hurt one.  Eventually, when I asked for NC because it was just too hard to get intermittent sweet emails from this man who had broken my heart, he sent the weirdest message, where he said he hadn't engaged in any recriminations (!) thus far & wouldn't now, but that he didn't understand why I had never been willing to talk, he had always been willing to do that (mind you, while I was begging  him not to leave me, he just kept reiterating that there was no solution, he was sure of it), he would honor my decision, now, "further into the sadness."

This was such a reversal of roles that I called him & we ended up getting together to talk.  He said he hadn't known what to do -- he hadn't had any of my things to return (pwBPD & returning things as the last-ditch guarantee that they can see someone they just smashed a r/s with ... . it's an amazing pattern).  Somehow, "I think I've made a horrible mistake, I miss you so much & would like to try to fix this" was beyond him -- really.  He was way past the issue with my daughter -- it took 15 minutes of discussion to deal with that -- and he asked if we could get back together.  Held my hand, kissed me.

Point of the story to this point: I think your ex's defense mechanisms really have reworked the facts of your story to the point where he feels this is something you have done to him.  Just like my ex generously didn't engage in "recriminations" when he blew up our love affair -- oh, I'm sorry, when I made him blow up our love affair. Yes, your honest sadness and hurt are hurting him.  And I have no doubt that he really is hurting tremendously.  It took a few months for my ex to get the story of what happened with us completely re-worked in his head so that it all turned out as it should have.

For what it's worth, when he asked to get back together -- something I'd been longing to hear -- I didn't say no.  But apparently I didn't say an unequivocal enough yes.  I said yes but I also needed him to figure out (he had started therapy) why he'd felt the need to pull away so brutally and not work on any issues, etc., because, I said, it would happen again -- he would feel bad again -- and we needed some tools so he wouldn't blow up the whole r/s when that happened.

He couldn't handle this.  With his therapist he decided he needed to try being alone (undoubtedly a correct decision).  I said I respected that & would stay in communication with him while he was doing that work, and that, if he figured out what he wanted & how to handle those bad feelings, I would try again with him.

A few weeks later, he was actively pursuing reconnecting with the woman he was seeing before me (who, wonderfully enough, was a co-worker of mine so I got to see evidence of her rapturous happiness, suddenly scheduled mini-vacations like we used to take, and so on, in her work emails).  (That ended swiftly & suddenly too though.)

I share the unhappy ending because, unfortunately, just because they are really sad and really devastated by the loss of the r/s with us, doesn't mean they are capable of putting it back together in any viable way.

You are right, it is just all intensely sad.  But I don't think you need to be angry with him about all the irrational reversal of responsibility -- I think it really does feel to him that you did this to him, you made him leave you, you, by being how you are (by leaving that night, by being who you are & causing him to behave that way), cost him this great love.

It makes no sense but it is real to him.  That makes it super sad to me.

[Emelie Emelie]

Patient and Clear:

Wow.  I just cannot believe how sad all of our stories are.  I do not think I could handle him dating a coworker of mine.  I would just die.  And I know you're right.  I know he is hurting tremendously.  But he's made that my fault too.  I have told him several times... . YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.  Well I left him no choice by leaving that night.  And then I betrayed and hurt him deeply by going on out a date with someone else two weeks later.  And I didn't send "Hey Sweetheart how are you?" messages.  I sent I'm really hurting messages.  Those are $hitty.  And even now I'm confused... . getting mixed messages.  Not sure if he wants me back or not.  He says things that create the opening to that discussion.  But I'm not walking in.  But really I don't think he knows what he wants.  I've said I think he was feeling ambivalent about the relationship before the breakup and he still is.  I told him the other night that I felt he orchestrated it.  By his reaction he apparently doesn't believe that's the case.  But I still believe that.  Maybe it was unconscious.  Even if he wanted me back I can't go.  I need to be done with this.  This is the second break up (albeit the first one lasted less than a week).  But I just can't deal with this pain and drama.  And there were a lot of painful moments in the relationship when he was pulling away or criticizing.  This has been the most difficult month of my life.  And I've had some difficult stuff to deal with in the past!  (As we all have.)  But I'm left still yearning and longing for him.  For the relationship.  And I'm worried about him.  He's done a good job of manipulating me into feeling sorry for him.  Which in rational moments annoys the crap out of me.  He created this whole sad and sorry mess. 

I hope to God I don't have to deal with seeing him with someone else in the near future.  I honestly don't think I could take that. 

[patientandclear]

The thing is, it's all true simultaneously.  He is hurting and he is undoubtedly open to trying again.  My ex turned out to have enlisted a therapist to explore whether doing that would be responsible (note: according to him, she said no, not at that time, he would definitely hurt me again) & was talking to his friends about whether they thought I was open to it, parsing my emails etc.  Not that he was making any of this clear to me of course.

At the same time, it is undoubtedly true that he was testing you by behaving poorly, prompting you to walk out; and that he was ambivalent about the r/s before the breakup, though BPD ambivalence isn't about lack of interest, it's about scary, hard feelings mixed with love and desire.  And, it is undoubtedly also true that he lacks insight into all of this and that, confusing as it is to you, it is even more confusing to him, because he is also dealing with enormous fear of rejection and an almost molecular mistrust of people close to him, which doesn't make rational sense but is still strongly felt & real to him.

It's just a mess!  Trying to pare it down to one essential guiding truth -- "he wants me back" or "he is ambivalent" doesn't work because it's all true, all together.

When they get involved with someone else, it is, I am convinced, because for a little while, that looks cleaner and easier.  It's not a mess -- yet.

You seem to have a very clear, realistic view of what is going on, in its complexity.  One thing I know for sure is that we have to accept that This is Who and How They Are.  They are going to be like this.  The question is, what do you want to do about it.  For most of us, the answer is --we don't want that and therefore need to end the r/s.  A few people, now including me, decide we are going to try to deal with that, though in my case, with very differently defined boundaries & expectations than I had before (I no longer have a sexual or overtly romantic r/s with my ex because this sort of thing would be too painful for us both, but we have built an intimate friendship, albeit with a lot of struggle and growth pains).

But no plan that involves him not being this way is a workable plan.  And that includes all the crazy-making projection and blame of you for making him have these bad feelings, including by loving him.

[cska]

Oh Emelie, I'm so sorry you're going though all that... I wen't through all of that and I know how excruciatingly painful it is. Its a bumpy road, but eventually the pain will pass.

He's an emotional four year old. 

Yes, yes he is. And he is unable to realize that you love him and that he is hurting you. The same thing happened to me. I would go to extreeeeeeme lengths to make my ex happy, but in the end, it would always be my fault. She would tell me that I'm not doing enough and that I'm a cruel egotistical maniac. Now she is sending me e-mails telling me that I purposefully tried to hurt her. Sigh...

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this pain and turmoil. I was with my ex for a year, and we broke up multiple times, and I during each break-up I resolved to stay away from her and get out of the madness. But I was never able to stay away; I would always miss her too damn much and run back to her.

Eventually, a year into the relationship, things got so bad that I had no choice but to get out. And once you come to fully realize that you have no choice but to get out, it will start getting better. I promise you, it will get better. The pain will abate, and you will be able to enjoy life without all of the madness, pain, and misery that you suffered wile in a relationship with a pwBPD.

In the meantime, hang in there   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers 

[cska]

Hey! I found an article in Psychology Today called "How to Mourn a Breakup to Move Past Grief and Withdrawal". Maybe it'll make you feel a little better. It made me feel slightly better when I was going through my pain...

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201306/how-mourn-breakup-move-past-grief-and-withdrawal