I cheated on her

[nolisan]

 Our r/s was classic push / pull - she would run away when things got to close. Or she would call a time out if I made a mistake. I perceived that as punishment. Who really knows what her motive was.

Twice, when she withdrew, I found and engaged sex workers though the internet. I hadn't done that in abut 5 years while in recovery and single (I had thought about it).

I felt no remorse and even felt justified. It was a secret revenge that I actually savored.

Towards the end of things I suspected that she was sleeping again with her hubi. After the split I found she had a personal ad on a dating site and I had suspicions about that she was up to in her "time outs" from our r/s. I felt even Better about my unfaithful acts = revenge.

But two wrongs don't make a right and if I ever am in another r/s I don't want to do this regardless of the other persons behavior. I need to keep my side of the fence clean.

[Rose Tiger]

   Ex would come home from work and go to the neighbor's house across the street for beers with the boys.  Every night.  One night, I got so fed up, I jumped in my car, drove 60 miles, went into a Chilis and started drinking jack and cokes.  Chatted with a jewish scotsman about religion.  Got in my car and drove back.  Not too bright driving 60 miles home after knocking a few back.  Ex called my cell, he said, your daughter is worried about you and I said I'll be home soon.  I never told him where I went (revenge), he would poke, were you at your friend's house?  And I'd say nope.

I don't know why that felt so good.  Probably so sick of being hurt and not knowing how to deal with it all.

[bpdspell]

Nolisan,

All you can do is take responsibility for your actions and learn from your mistakes. Forgiving yourself is essential; even when we know that what we're doing is wrong. There is no one in this world who's perfect and makes all the right decisions all the time. That's a fantasy.

I said horrible things to my ex. Horrible things to attack his already incredibly low self-esteem and sense of pride. I blew gaskets on him out of pure justified rage and due to my own ignorance about mental illness. When I look back at the things I said and did (including destroying his personal items or chucking them out of the nearest window) I am ashamed. It took a while to feel remorse because I had been so angry at how our relationship was beginning to crumble into fairy dust. In many ways I punished my ex and really didn't care. In my mind; he deserved doses of his own medicine.

While my ex was testing out and screwing his new replacement I took a guy's phone number and went out on a date... . all for a revengeful moment with my  BPD. It was lots of tit for tat behavior that I'm not proud of; including accept calls from the new guy right in front of my BPD.

I forgive myself. I'm human and I had had it up to my neck in being devalued by my ex.

Spell

[seeking balance]

Cheating and being cheated on both hurt... . I, too have been on both sides of the fence.

I know my own limits and realize why boundaries are crucial to my own psyche.  Forgiving myself didn't truly happen until I was actually cheated on... . I hope you can forgive yourself, it is important.