Something I've never understood problems with holidays and special occasions

[Reg]

Hi,

If there's one thing left that I dont understand about my ex partner her behavior it's this, I can't really relate to it concerning borderline behavior :

Mine was able to ruin almost all of my and her birthdays in that period.  And Valentines days, and Christmas and New Years Eves. 

In the close to 4 years (3.5 years of relation and half a year of aftershocks) I actually had one birthday together with her, one Valentine, and one Christmas.  Not one New Years Eve !  There was always an excuse, and she was always looking for a fight in that period.

In some cases it seems that she actually was at Christmas and New Years Eve with her husband (from whom she's going to divorce since 4.5 years... . ) still playing the happy family to the outside world.  This one I can relate to shame in a way... .

Our trip to Milan was a disaster, because she missed her daughter to much... . 3 whole days !

Our second holiday in 2010 to Kos, was completely ruined, afterwards the reason she gave was that an old friend (who did beat his woman often, but she refused to see this) had asked her why she didn't give her husband another chance in changing his behavior and that these words had been in her head the whole holiday.

The long weekend we did to Achouffe, I had been constantly repeating during two weeks before that we left that she did have to change her mentality on what others had or did say concerning this weekend or that it would be a disaster also.  It was the only great holiday we had.

The one at Budapest was also a disaster, I had been there 29 times (job related in the past) and when we arrived I said it felt a bit like coming home.  The reaction I got was o, ok if you feel like coming home, why don't you stay here, and her mentality was set for the rest of the holiday, except when she was going shopping... .

What the hell is the reason for this kind of behavior ? It seems to be very concentrated on this kind of moments in my case... .

Reg

[Nearlybroken]

Good question... . my position with my expwBPD is slightly different.He would always go completerly overboard on my birthday  kindle, jewellery , very expensive make up and perfume ... . spending way too much ... . hundreds ... . now he KNEW  that I am not materialistic  ( I would be perfectly happy with a few flowers and would then go on to worry about the effect his spending spree had on finances ) but whenever I said "You really should'nt have bought all of these things... one small present would have done" , he would go in a mood and accuse me of not caring.Whenever it was HIS birthday he would not want to have any effort made by me at all and would go out of his way to undermine my efforts... . once failed to turn up for a meal where I had arranged for friends to travel to even though he knew they were coming and I had planned it for months.Once told me , when I gave him his presents " I do not want to sound brutal but could you not just give these to someone else?".But as for holidays... . for some reason he would go out of his way to cause me upset... . we once went away with a group of friends... . everytime we were alone inthe car travelling to different places he would sob but not tell me what was the matter.I tried to find out the issues but he just sobbed.In front of our friends though he was OK.I was later accused of ruining the holiday " by talking to me and making me cry then asking what was wrong and making everything a disaster"(?).

[Reg]

Nobody else with similar experiences ?

Reg

[Moonie75]

Yes ME!

I had 4 birthdays while I was with her (on & off). She ruined 3.

Ruined 3 out of 4 Christmas days.

We never had a valentines together coz she'd always freak out the week before.

We booked 4 holidays that she ended up going on & I did not. due in no small part to her freaking out a few weeks before those.

[Moonie75]

Nearly Broken & Reg, that's almost enough to make me glad I never made it on a holiday with her. GOD KNOWS what would've happened!

[Reg]

LOL Moonie, I think you were the lucky one after all with the holidays, as I mentioned our trip to Kos was hellish !  So was Budapest !

Seems our borderlines were very similar on these matters... .

I'm really curious to know if anyone here can point in the direction/reason for that kind of behavior which we both have experienced.

It is something I still don't understand into connection with BPD behavior.

Reg

[Octoberfest]

My BPDex had a knack for ruining what should have otherwise been awesome, fun special occasions.  Two formal group trips that my Fraternity took to resorts turned into nights filled with drama and crying.  She ruined valentines day by choosing to go out to the bars that night with some guy friends from high school? What? .  We didnt have a christmas together because that was when we split because she was dating another guy the entire time in a different town.

What awful people.

[Moonie75]

Reggie boy, what's happened to us is we've become addicted to heroin with tits!

We've had the initial highs, the biggest highs imaginable.

We've 'chased the dragon' & let everything else slip.

We've watched the fabric of our lives & efforts come crashing down around our heroin addict feet.

And now my friend, to truly conquer this diseased addiction... . we must face the D.T's!

[Moonie75]

I don't quite know what D.T stands for?

Other than it's something to do with foaming at the mouth & having violent convulsions coz ya can't have your fix!

[Reg]

LOL Moonie, mine had actually great tits !  

Better to kill the dragon as St.-George did  

In my case I was stuck between a borderline and someone with very serious narcistic features, the husband she had left and who didn't accept no for an answer.  I stared myself blind at this situation, thinking she was just naive and could easily be influenced by his manipulative behavior.

Well we've learned another lesson in life... .

Octoberfest,

Very similar behavior again, still wondering how this comes... .

Reg

[Gaslit]

Maybe as a child their birthdays and holidays were ruined for them by a parent. And now they are simply replaying that trauma with us. They replay all their other trauma with us, so maybe this is also the case with special occasions.

i.e. Imagine being a kid and looking forward to your birthday or Christmas, only to have your alcoholic father ruin it every time. Or something similar.

[Reg]

Gaslit, interesting way of thinking !

Mine actually always said these were just days as any other.  Which makes it the more curious she wanted to ruin them.  But that may just be the reason on the other hand, the fact that they didn't have good memories about them from their childhood.

Reg

[Gaslit]

Yes, I too heard, "It's just another day."

Like a little kid, those words are meant to project to the world that they don't care, when in reality, inside, they are tormented. And do care, probably too much.

[Reg]

Gaslit, thanks, it made me realise a number of things on that matter.  Especially due to the fact that her father had a serious drinking problem when she was little... .

[Moonie75]

I think Gaslit's hit it on the head here!

Reg, uncanny similarities again! My ex has best bangers I've ever had the pleasure of too!

On a more serious note.

Her ex (from what she said) was quite controlling with the money coming in, she never saw any house bills, she didn't even know what he earned each month. She just knew that everything got covered & she had to be home when he got home at 6pm. On some level I respect him for standing so firm with her & seemingly keeping her inline. On another level I'm so glad I'm not a control freak & want to afford people the freedom to enjoy free speech, choices & movements of their own. Although there's no doubt I've had those values abused & exploited to the max!

My ex readily admitted to me that her father used to promise the earth & never deliver, often never even turning up at all. (two little girls sitting in their bedroom window waiting for daddy to arrive & take them for that fab day out he told them about... . But seldom happened).

She told me how broken promises throughout the year brought even greater promises at birthdays & Christmas. Just for the same to happen again!

I'm amazed Reg & I have had such similar experiences with these two women, and neither of us figured this one out.

THANK YOU GASLIT & God bless

[MammaMia]

Yes.  My sdBPD hates any kind of family gathering.  He says everyone is just pretending to be nice and have a good time.  They are all liars and everything is an act.  Everyone is actually miserable... . just like he is.   He has always said he feels like he does not belong ... . and no one wants him there anyway.

He has ruined many special occasions for others because he chose not to participate or he went and pouted the entire time.  He never seemed able to be genuinely happy for anyone else, even as a small child.  Over the years, this behavior has frustrated and saddened me.  Others do not understand his alooftness.

That was before I realized he had BPD.  Now I respect his feelings to not attend.

Do pwBPD believe they do not DESERVE to be part of a family or celebrate birthdays and other special occasions?  :)o they feel UNWORTHY of the attention they so desperately seek?   They certainly lack the core value of "belonging".  We know they lack empathy.

It is just one more facet of BPD... . and it is what it is.  We cannot change it.

[Reg]

Thank you very much for all the replies ! Seems clear that it has to do with their past and early years indeed now !

Reg