Can anyone tell me what is happening?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I've been with my uBP male partner for 3.5 years now. We were in our early 40's when we met, him unemployed 2 years (then, now 5 years), and me working full time the whole time, plus weekends, (haven't had a weekend off or a holiday in over 4 years now).

For the first month or so, we were only friends, and then became involved, he had been crashing on my sofa in between accommodation and work. Once we became involved, after about 3 months, he stopped looking for work, and became overly enmeshed in my life, (not to say he wasn't trying to already  ).

Suffice to say, every aspect of my life gave him something to provoke fights, arguments, rages, rants, violence, threats over. Mainly the fact that I had several male friends when we met, but my family was the target too, like I said, everything was.

His techniques were to trap me, so I couldn't leave my own house to get away from the accusations, rage, violence etc, or mostly, his favourite was sleep deprivation, preventing me from leaving for work, stealing my keys, phone, wallet etc.

He used everything, and if that didn't work, he would follow me to work, and try to argue there, if I said I wasn't doing this conversation at work and that he wasn't to come to my workplace if we were both upset, he ignored me, and turned up anyway, publicly humiliating me on several occasions over the 2 years he lived at my house off and on.

When he left, (almost once every week) he would, (if he had unemployment pension left) disappear to his favourite nearby city to sleep in his car, and sit in it by the sea to chill out.

If I ever tried ringing him on his mobile, he would never answer it, and he would often be there for at least 2 days and nights at a time.

If I had done the same thing, we know just how that would have gone down, there would be no excuses for me.

By February 2012, he had instigated physical violence yet again, with close members of my family that board with me, (my daughter and her fiance'.

BP expected me to take his side over this, but I stood firm, and said NO, that he had the chance to resolve his differences with them several times, and he had refused to live here in peace, so he would have to go.

He flew off in a rage, *******and vowed to never see me again, and ******and *******.

After a week, he had phoned back, and recycled me, then wanted me to start coming to stay several nights a week, in his shed-room where he resides at his elderly parents, (free of charge).

Initially I did so, driving 40 minutes each way, several days/nights per week, but as time went on, his behaviour coupled with his own parents dysfunction, age, and ill health, deteriorated the whole situation. So what could have been beneficial all round, was turned upside down, because he stays in denial (nowadays) about his health and need of treatment.

His twisted perceptions have him believing that his own parents are starving him, (he hardly eats himself) and he has lost even more weight than he had when I first met him, (as he said then being 'homeless' had caused him weight-loss). He wasn't actually 'homeless' as he always had a place to sleep/shower/eat at his parents, (had done off and on for the past 13 years he has relied on them for free).

9/10 times I went up to spend quality time with him, he would use sleep deprivation, threats, rage, dysregulating, projecting, mostly the whole time. There were many times I had to leave in the middle of the night, or late at night, as there was nowhere safe I could drive to, to let him cool down, and give him a chance to stop his behaviour.

Last year his parents served him with a 72 hour restraining order, because he threatened his Father with a heavy tool.

This year he also foot tripped his Father, during a heated conversation, which caused an Emergency Department visit for injuries to his Father's shoulder.

It has deteriorated up there so much, that he had even started using extreme verbal abuse to his Mother, and now she keeps reminding him that he has to leave too, (although he is still there). They cannot cope with the extremes of his behaviour, and given they are on a pension too, he is always out of money, and worse to be around, sadly, this is often.

He usually runs out of unemployment money within two days of getting it, even though he has regular high interest cash loans most months, plus help from his parents, (last week they gave him a cheque for $100!). He also sells car parts he 'finds' most weeks, and makes an average of $100 extra on top of his unemployment money, (which is $170 after $60 comes out to the short term cash loan lenders). So he makes $170 on Tuesday morning, yet is out of money by Thursday morning? I don't think it adds up, and I could almost guess he has a substance abuse habit.

Anyway, by the 10/6 this year, I had gone up to stay overnight later on the 9th, after work.

He woke me in the middle of the night, verbally abusing me cruelly. Then after several hours of provocation I just decided to leave, either way the abuse gets worse, no matter what I try to do.

That time, I'm afraid I lost my own temper, (exhausted and yes, justifiably angry too). I shouted at him that I was sick of his refusal to seek help, even though he had often admitted he was in need of it in the past. I told him this refusal was ruining his relationship, and I was sick of his crap every week, sick of him expecting me to be his therapist when clearly I am not qualified to do so. I also said that even therapists need a break, they are not on call 24 hours a day 3 or 4 days per week.

I should have known better.

With that, he came at me like a lunatic, pushing me over again and again, with massive force. He punched me several times too, and was screaming threats of extreme violence and death at me. I couldn't leave, because my stuff was in his room.

Next, he smashed my new phone, grabbed all my keys, wallet, bag, toiletries, shoes, throwing them with force out into the darkness, where I had no torch to find them.

I told him I couldn't leave, because I couldn't find my keys, with that he ran at me again, punching me, and pushing me over again, and told me he would *****kill me if I came near him again.

So, bruised and bewildered and in shock, I tiptoed off in the dark, initially knocking on his parents door, then deciding against it and sneaking off to try find a neighbour awake, (hopefull) to call the police for help.

An hour later, (after much hassle) they came and picked me up down the road, walking to his shed/carport area to help retrieve my stuff/car.

This took an hour, of course BP tried to minimise his damage, by pretending everything was fine, (I was of course overreacting) and I could stay if I wanted to.

He seriously thought I would stay after what he had done?

I left, but annoyed at the police, especially now that 'The Line' is out in public.

For 3 days I was in shock, but eventually had to wrestle with my phone provider to replace my phone, (luckily I got another on a technicality they overlooked). BP rang, (after I caught him early 13/6 driving past my street to check up on me I believe). He of course had been away in his favourite beach city for two days, chilling in 'his car'.

He rang trying to act all detached and business like, and offering to replace my phone, when I said I had already had to urgently address that issue, he then launched into a denigration of his whole relationship experience with me, (nothing unusual and a weekly event anyhow).

After several hang ups on his behalf, despite my trying to validate HIS feelings, I copped more and more verbal abuse, so I pulled my house phone out, and ignored him for the day.

Next morning, he rang back, this time decidedly more humble and apologetic. He seemed to want to chat as normal, over the days following, even asking me to message him Goodnight, like I normally do.

By the 16/6 when he realised I wasn't taking his offer up of visiting him and staying over, he got angry and nasty and distant, I simply said I needed more than an apology this time, I needed firm reassurance that he would be nice to me and that he would never do what he did again.

I got a snarling response, and his screamed excuses as to what was foremost for him right now, (food, a place to live, and a job). He has the first 2, and always has had, but the last one?, well he would need to apply for jobs first to get one! 

Then, he slammed the phone down so hard, he cracked it, (his Mother later told me).

He went NC for two weeks, and ignored my two texts and emails.

Finally, the 3/7 he rang out of the blue, (I was starting to get over him or trying to), he wanted to talk as normal, and eventually by the 7/7 he wanted me to go stay overnight. I did, but was very wary.

I guessed right. It was another bad night. This time he also raged out of control, within an hour of my arrival, it was amping up as we drove through the takeaway he had insisted on getting himself and I, (me paying).

He wanted to sit in the carpark of the closed shopping centre, and he began raging, amping up more and more. I simply said I wasn't prepared to do this conversation again, as I have heard it before.

He jumped out of my car, verbally abusing me and slamming my door, I sat in shock, and waited for ten minutes or so.

Then got out to see if I could see him, and make a decision about what to do. He was walking back over, and when he arrived, (about 20 metres at the side of my car) he began raging with the takeaway food he was carrying, and threw it up on the roof of the shopping centre, screaming abuse at the top of his lungs.

There was a crowd of people still watching over the road, outside an all you can eat joint. 

I just decided to drive off, (wasn't going to be his audience any longer).

I was intending to drive home, but went to his parents instead.

They told me to make him walk the hour walk back, so I had a quick chat whilst I decided what to do. I did ask them if they felt he was better when I wasn't in his life for that 2 weeks, they said No, it doesn't make any difference, if anything, he is better, when he has me around.

I thanked them, and apologised for the things that had happened, (acknowledging that we are all only human and don't always react well to their illness ourselves).

I then told them I would try and pick him up, and hopefully a bit of a walk had forced some calmness to him.

Not so, as I drove down to see him, he flagged me down arrogantly, and wanted to jump in, as soon as I drove off, he asked me to park somewhere, and he ranted on until 10.30pm.

I said I would like to leave, there were odd cars hanging around us, and my back problem was acting up sitting in the car for this long.

He ignored me several times, and in the end, I just started the car, and safely drove off. As we drove along, he was again denigrating our relationship. I said ENOUGH and went to pull over. With that, he jumped out of the car, screaming abuse at me, and throwing things and threats.

I tried to get him to calm down, but there was no go. So I drove off, after witnessing him throwing his shoes and socks and jacket into some bushes, still raging.

I drove in the direction of home, but being in shock a bit, must have taken a wrong turn. So I turned around, and decided to pay the petrol station guy a visit, (that BP visits to 'chat'.

I then drove back to see BP, (an hour later) my car wheel bearing had begun to go, so my wheel was making a loud humming noise if I drove over 50 km an hour. BP was at first humble and sorry, and pleased to see me, but that didn't last long, he would not let me close to him, and was angry, hateful and still ranting.

I finally got him to stop at 3 am.

By 5 am, I woke to hear verbal abuse again, so I decided to just leave, (feeling anxious and very scared as I got my things together, luckily sleeping in my clothes).

Since he seemed to be trying to get me to leave, I did. Then I went to the door of his shed and stated that it seemed he wanted me to go so I was again. He said "I thought you were going to be late for work", but he didn't get up.

So I backed out the driveway, and next thing, he run up it after me, throwing heavy things at my car and screaming abuse.

I was glad I had gotten away that time with no harm much. So I drove home, heartbroken again.

Decided not to go up there ever again.

He rang back later, and since the 8/7, I have not seen him in person. He still wants to talk on the phone every day, but no longer accepts financial help of any kind from me. He fobs me off seeing him all the time, and several times has put ultimatums on me, about getting a place for the two of us, and making being with him a priority in my life for once.

Yea, but it looks like again, I have to provide the accommodation, and quite frankly, I am reluctant to, after the way he has treated me.

He is as skinny as a rake, (keeps talking about how he is dying and ill and skinny), says he feels bad about the way he looks naked, doesn't appear to be concerned about our lack of sex life, or intimacy/affection together missing.

There have been several signs that he may well be lying about his supposed lack of interest, but if I try and broach the subject, even gently, he becomes snarlingly irate about it.

Yesterday, I asked if he was interested in looking for someone else, or had been thinking about it? I was not accusatory, merely asking because I have concerns about us not seeing each other at all. He turned it into something nasty, although if he brought the same subject up with me, he would be instantly accusatory about it.

So, what do you think peoples?

This is a guy who has been lean since I met him, and it never worried him before being naked, so why do you think he is putting off seeing me in person, but still wants to act like we are together, talking on the phone every day as normal, me texting him Goodnight as usual, says he loves me, and we are together, and 'soon' he will get me up there  for some nice times and cuddling. I am not sure if he is being totally honest with me, and also, he normally would not hesitate to ask for a bit of cash, (which I would not begrudge, even buying him food). I wonder if it is guilt that will not allow him to accept any help from me now.

[rollercoaster24]

Just to add.

It seems that he is avoiding me. When he has money, he fobs me off seeing him, even though he says he feels better about himself in those two short days a week, and the rest of the time, he seems OK, but as Friday, Saturday and Sunday move round, he becomes worse and worse.

I feel like there is always an excuse not to see me. And quite frankly, I cannot deal with never seeing someone when we don't live countries or states apart. I have a van, that we can infact go park somewhere in for the weekend and sleep in, and camp in. He knows this, because it was a project we worked on together, as is his project car and drive car.

He uses staying at his parents as the excuse, or him having no money and it makes him feel bad. But is that any excuse to be nasty company to the woman you say you love and want to be with?

I feel really anxious about the whole thing, I am reluctant to give up my family and security where we live, (we all get on and work well together) and it saves us all money to share expensive rents these days, (this is average rent here, $ 365 per week).

BP could be here too, and much more comfortable than at his parents, I would never begrudge him food, hell I wouldn't even ask him to pay utilities/rent, (never did before either). He could be doing repairs on his cars, and eating better, showering, and feeling better about himself than he is now.

He could also be more able to seek employment, (since he would then have back all the things he says he lacks from his parents, funny thing is, he used to tell them the same stories about living here).

He could be with me again, instead of insisting on something that neither of us are in the position to provide right now, well I am, but I am reluctant to serve him up exactly what he demands on a plate, because I don't believe it will make one difference.

And what then? I move out of a secure place to live, cost myself more money to give him a house for the two of us only, so we can have 'privacy, since we have never had any!'  baloney he had plenty of it, but he chose to ruin that with his acting out).

Or the alternative, I wait for how long? A year before I can see him again? Whilst he starts eating and finds a job?

He isn't even interested in getting one!

I have offered him 3 jobs, and he turned all of them down, or ruined his chances working with me, due to raging, ignoring our work orders, and threatening our supervisor whilst I was discussing the work on the phone.

I am at wits end.

Have tried breaking off several times, and he keeps calling back, and I end up being talked back into staying together, and being fobbed off about spending some time together, cuddling, (that's all I ask for!)

[rollercoaster24]

Hi again

Sorry it's been a long one folks! And gulp, I have more!

Yesterday I was having a lot of difficulty again, with being fobbed off, after several attempts at trying to break it off when he ignored my feelings about the necessity of seeing each other in person to 'reconnect' and cuddle.

Am I wrong to feel upset about this?

Is it fair when most days I am expected to act as a therapist to his rants/moans which are always identical, (and about things that really are none of his business or issue?)

I had a bad moment, and sent quite a few texts, with some name calling although nothing along the lines of the verbal abuse I cop from him. In fact, texts are often the only chance I ever get to speak my own mind about my own feelings, limitations etc)

The next day, he carried on as normal, and ignored the texts, (not even sure he reads them actually), and still wants to remain in contact every day, (apparently together) although that could all change in a few days when 'he' decides he wants to denigrate our relationship.

He even spoke of me coming up tonight, (yesterday) although I want to, there is obviously a lot of anxiety around this, because every time I do, I feel instantly 'conned'. In that he says he wants to see me, misses me, and then instantly acts out and ruins our precious limited time together anyhow. I did realise of course, that by today, he would have another excuse as to why I shouldn't come.

Today? Sure enough, he has very little money, until later today allegedly, so I should be 'wary' of him, (his words). It seems he is warning me of his likely mood, which is great thinking, but what about the beginning of the week, when he has money, and fobs me off once again?

On Tuesday he did yet another disappearing act, up into the 'hills' behind his parents, (according to him) and he was supposed to return later when it got dark, (so they cannot hassle him and there would be no possibility of conflict).

I had last spoken to him around 3 pm, and he wanted me to message him later, but I had no idea where he might actually have been, if indeed he did even go back to his parents for the night. When he 'disappears' he is unavailable by mobile to call at any rate, I find this odd, although his mobile provider is notorious for bad reception, so that is likely the culprit.

I also notice that he never often calls me at nights either anymore, like he used to in the past. From Tuesday-Thursday, his mobile is 'unavailable' in the evenings, but as he starts to run out of money, he answers his phone again.

[Surnia]

Hi rollercoaster24

So sorry to hear all this. 

Honestly this is far more than any human should deal with. There is so much rage and no one should be endure physical abuse!

I have big concerns about your safety! Did you ever consider to reach out to a DV help desk? I would strongly recommend to do so.

Take care and stay tuned, rollercoaster!

Safety First

[Scout99]

I am so sorry too, to hear about the amount of horrible abuse and fear this guy puts you through over and over again... . He seems to stop at nothing and seems totally out of control, not even able to stop himself from hurting his own parents who give him, (a full grown middle aged man room and board and even some of their hard earned pension... . )... .

I too feel as I have read along what you have written with the one worse thing after the other, an increasing worry about your safety and your well being... . You have been under this terror for so long it seems that you have begun to  create in your mind an acceptance to it, where there should be none... . And that worries me. You are worth so much more than this! From what I can read out of how you describe him, he is severely dysregulated in his BPD and probably would have other diagnoses to, if he ever got into care, (which he needs). But since he doesn't want to there really is nothing you can do, or should do for this guy... . He is an adult and has to take responsibility for himself and his actions, and that counts for his eating too... . Him starving himself is not your responsibility, the way I see it.

I think you should sit yourself down, and talk to your daughter w boyfriend who lives with you and let them tell you what they think and see about this man, so you could maybe get some more input and perspective to help you detach yourself at least a little bit from the enmeshment in his dysregulation that you have gotten yourself so tangled up in... .

I if anyone who have managed to get myself involved with not one but two men in my life with PD's knows how strongly we feel for these men, and how much under their spell we can get, (at least I did)... . It also fills up all the voids in our own life, killing all thoughts and feelings of lonlieness, since we get so caught up in all their mess, that there is just no time to stop and even think about ourselves... . But in truth it is one of the loneliest places to be at the same time, which you don't see until long after you have gotten out and had some time to heal... .

I really think, if you ask me, that you should start thinking about going NC with this guy for a couple of months at least to earn you some time to find yourself again and lift the perspective a bit, at least so you can start seeing more clearly what a destructive impact this man has on you and your life... .

Keep posting here and allow yourself to vent! You, and how you feel are important!

Best wishes

scout99

[papawapa]

What is happening is you are setting yourself up to be seriously injured or killed by a psychopath. Stay the hell away from him and stop engaging him. Do they have harassment restraining orders in your country? You really need to let go of him and move on.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi papawapa and Scott99,

Thanks for writing to me, and yes your right. BP is dangerous, and he has never changed since I met him.

I blamed myself, thinking I just made him worse, since he has gone all out to convince me how hard done he has been by being involved in a life with me.

But it was all smoke and mirrors, to deflect me away from the real truth of him.

For the first two years he was with me, he admitted often to 'needing help' and that he was mentally ill. He would joke about it sometimes, and tell me to 'just ask my parents' they are fully aware!

They would get on the phone and talk about it, (and he would be there too!). Actually, I think back to the first month I knew him, before we started to become involved romantically, he mentioned how he had been staying at his parents, and how his Father is a screwball, and was trying to have his son, (BP) committed to a mental health unit.

BP had been going through their rubbish again, nosing through receipts etc, and found a letter his Father had written about him and screwed up and thrown out in the recycle bin.

I know now, that BP's Mother always stood in the way of Mental Health treatment being forced on her son. She blamed the Father for the way he was, since the Father was apparently exactly the same in his younger years of marriage to her.

She would rather it seems, sit back and stir up trouble between Father and son, and then when it goes too far, (BP threatens or hurts Father) she then decides to back up and side with Father.

But daily now all BP's life, (or the past 13 years he had used parents as an accommodation backstop), she dumps all her insecurities about her husband onto her son BP. How he always leaves her at home, doesn't seem to want to be out with her in public, chats up all the women in their neighbourhood, and leaves her sitting at home alone.

So BP has his own pain unresolved with his Father from childhood, and he also has his Mothers too, not making for a nice easy relationship between Father and son is it?

BP used to keep telling me that I was like his Father, and he aligned himself with his poor ever suffering Mother, violins please. The disgusting things he has said to me about his parents, (on a daily basis) made me feel like nothing more than his bloody therapist for several years. And I am not qualified either!

Not to mention even therapists need a break now and then, and they are not on call 24 hours per day either.

So guys/gals, since the 10/6 when he last assaulted me, I have only seen him once, that was either the 7/7 or the 14/7, the shock has given me a bit of amnesia I think.

I have been regularly told, (snarlingly) that we haven't had a relationship for the past 15 months, since I 'kicked him out in favour of some other bloke', (yea my son in law).

I know he tells people that will listen, (probably women) that his girlfriend never had time for him, and the poor wee waif was sitting waiting for her to spend time with him, (poor him because his partner had to work, unlike him!) and she had a succession of 'other blokes' travelling through her relationship the whole time.

Hmmm, yes, my senior employers, family, and friends?  Isn't it normal to have friends when you meet someone? Isn't it normal for a woman, (especially) in her early 40's to perhaps have had children, and if she is separated, an ex that is the Father of those children still in her life, (albeit only a small part of it when getting together to discuss your children's welfare?)

Yea, I was painted out to look like a total sl**! this was his favourite term for me actually, and he used that word to publicly humiliate me at work and in general, usually on my front lawn in front of and in full view of the neighbours. If he knew the male ones were outside listening, he would really play the "your a slut" card to the fullest.

Strange that he thought it was justified to abuse his partner because he believed her to be one. When she refused to argue or defend herself against his frequent tirades/abuse he merely amped it up more, and became unbearable.

My children both moved out for a time, my son first, (he couldn't stand to watch his Mother being hurt so much) and my daughter met some guy who came to stay here first, and then used the situation here to manipulate her for his own ends. It turned out that this young man was a meth user, as I had found broken light bulbs in their washing one day.

Oddly, (our Mr Straight BP) knew what the lightbulbs were for, (smoking meth). I always wondered how he knew so much about how they use it nowadays if he hated the stuff, how could he know the latest methods for users?

At any rate, BP tried to instigate a physical show down with both my daughter and her then boyfriend, (Mr Meth head). Mr Meth Head, manipulated my daughter against me, (easy when BP was here doing his act) and they moved out to share a flat together. Mr Meth manipulated my daughter to take out a loan for $15K, helped her spend most of it, she brought him a ute, ($5K) which he was supposed to keep in her name until he had paid her back for it), but he left her, screwed around, stole the TV and other stuff she paid for, and took off, leaving her in her first flat, and struggling to pay everything.

In the end, (luckily the Real Estate agents only gave her a 3 month lease to start with) she came back home to me, but clearly, with BP still here, it wasn't the best situation either. BP certainly hadn't changed his ways, if anything, when my daughter and son had gone, and nobody was bothering us anymore, he then complained suburban life was too boring for him, and he pushed me away and got cold and nasty over that.

There always had to be something, and there was always an excuse for his nastiness.

At one point, BP was trying to provoke yet another argument with me late at night, (he would wait until daughter had gone to bed) but she woke to him shouting outside the house, (I told him to leave for a while, to calm down, and when he refused, I told him to leave the house and go back to his parents. This enraged him more, my refusal to play a part in his ragefest, and his abuse amped up whenever I did the right thing.

He jumped the back gate, and stood outside the kitchen windows, screaming threats at the top of his lungs, he was going to ***murder us both, burn down the ***house with us in it etc if I didn't let him back inside.

My daughter was really upset, and scared. I didn't know what to do. In the end, he came to the sliding door, and said that if I just let him in, he would leave by the front door. So I went to open the door, and my daughter was yelling not to open it, and not to trust him. I said I had no choice, and maybe he might stop.

As he came towards the door, his fist was raised, and he stepped in with a clenched fist, and grabbed me, pulling me to one side, this must have freaked my daughter out, as she stepped in, (I believe protecting me) and grabbed him and started throwing punches at him. He tried to grab hold of her fists, and I think only one of them connected to his forehead.

After this, he screamed a torrent of abuse, threatened to lay charges, and left, returning several times to snarl and abuse me. I refused to interact at any point, finally ringing the police because he just wouldn't stop.

They eventually came round, and warned me against having future involvement with him. I said I wasn't happy that my daughter had punched him though. They said she was afraid he was going to kill me, and I had to think about that.

The following times of violence, he was cunning enough to make sure nobody ever witnessed it close hand. There was an attempt at premeditated murder, and several other moments where he tried to kill me, (once or twice by almost driving me into a power pole). The others, he pushed me with great force into brick walls and pillars at my home, and walls in general, grabbed me, raised his fists at me, threw rocks at my head, tried to stab me with a sharp stick in the side, damaged my property, my car, my home, my workplace doors.

The next time he instigated violence, (after threatening son in law and daughter indirectly through me for a year and a half and thinking this was acceptable behaviour) was after he turned up at my home unexpectedly, and trying to provoke me into yet another argument on my front lawn. I refused to argue, or defend, and I also refused to listen to him denigrate my family again, so I told him I was driving off since I was having a hard time believing that he indeed missed me and wanted to be with me right now.

He screamed abuse at me, and I thought he was driving off too. I needed to get to work at some point, but didn't go early, incase he followed me up there and tried to publicly humiliate me again. So I drove to a petrol station only five minutes away, to fill up.

As soon as I pulled in, I had a call from my daughter, she said a fight had broken out, that BP had started, and she had hit him again, as he attacked her fiance' on the lawn. I was a little annoyed at all of them quite frankly.

She was warning me that BP would likely take it out on me, so watch out at work. I said I was coming home straight away, and did so.

As it happened, after I had driven off, I thought I saw BP driving off out of the street behind me, but it can't have been him, he actually waited until I had disappeared, then started doing skids up and down the driveway to lure daughter and partner out to see what the noise was.

Son in law went out onto the front lawn, to spot BP just about to drive off, but when BP spotted son in law, he jerked his car to a halt, and jumped out, running fast up to son in law, wrestling him to the ground.

Daughter came out, freaking out, and fully aware of all the indirect threats BP had made against her fiance' up to this point. I guess she was afraid again, and so she ran at BP, and punched him twice, which got him out of his wrestling match with son in law.

BP shouted that he was going to the police to lay charges, and they simply told him it didn't happen! BP jumped in his car and drove off like a lunatic.

Several hours later, he phoned me, and began to blame me for it all. It was my fault apparently!

Oh, that must be why I didn't have anything to do with it then I guess?

He dumped me again, and vowed to never set foot in my **** of a house, with my ****family, and other verbal abuse, (nothing unusual).

I simply thought "just another drama in life with BP, and sat inside with my family, helping them get over the shock.

They said they did not feel comfortable with him being in our home any longer, the mere fact that he steals and opens their mail, goes through handbags, snoops through their bedroom does not make them rest easy knowing he could be alone in the house, if I choose to stay with him.

I said I felt the exact same, and did not trust leaving him alone in the house for very long either, at any point since I had known him.

Any information is dangerous when given to him, so you have to be very careful and protect your life and safety as much as possible, since he is so easily set off by the most basic of things in life.

I agreed, and said that I did not think I would hear from him again after this night anyhow, (honestly felt that way).

They asked what I would do if he rung, (like he usually does after a couple of days), I said I didn't know right now, but I would respect their feelings, and certainly would not be choosing him over them.

BP did ring back after about a week I believe, and wanted to reinstate our 'non relationship' by me going to stay with him at his elderly parents home several times per week. I did start doing this, and the stories he was telling his parents were causing trouble in the attitudes they had towards me at times.

They are supposed to know better, when it comes to their son's ability to present the truth of things. He does this to them after all, and they expect me to know the difference when he presents the facts of living with them, yet they cannot seem to realise that he is the same here.

I have been fobbed off from receiving love for so long, that now, I really don't miss not having it so much. The last time I saw him, I pretty much said Goodbye in my own mind, (well the last two times really). I am still so very very sad, because I still have memories of the nicer things he did at times, but it seems like so long ago, I cannot remember them, since his nastiness has far outweighed any good things he did to me.

Strange that I still mourn for this man so much really.

I think I mourn not being loved, maybe at all?

[Scout99]

I have been fobbed off from receiving love for so long, that now, I really don't miss not having it so much. The last time I saw him, I pretty much said Goodbye in my own mind, (well the last two times really). I am still so very very sad, because I still have memories of the nicer things he did at times, but it seems like so long ago, I cannot remember them, since his nastiness has far outweighed any good things he did to me.

Strange that I still mourn for this man so much really.

I think I mourn not being loved, maybe at all?

I think this is a very important insight that you have reached about yourself and where you are. I think most of us here, if not all of us here, have been right where you are, regardless of we have left, been left, or remained in a r/s with a person with BPD... . Or in any type of dysfunctional r/s for that matter... .

The hardest part about being in a r/s with a person who has a personality disorder is just the fact that in the beginning and during those few moments of bliss that these relationships are capable to create, things feel so out of this world good... . And somehow along the way we become addicted to those moments or slivers of pure love. That of course are in a way real too. And we live for those moments and in long periods on just the memories of them. And in the light of that it becomes almost impossible to comprehend all the h*ll and pain that when the r/s is really dysfunctional take up way more time and space in the r/s... .

In those times we also feel that the borderline thing is vaporizing, disappearing, and for a moment in time the r/s is just "normal", or at least feels that way to us... .

But in truth most of the relationships with people with personality disorders, and especially those that are undiagnosed, untreated or in other ways denied are most of the time dysfunctional and very destructive. And like you so well put it... . We spend so much time mourning not being loved. And that in itself is very self destructing... .

From a logic point of view it all seems so easy. Like you say, from the logic mind comes thoughts like, this is the last time. I will now say goodbye to this. But then the heart starts to play it's tricks on us, and the memories of the moments of good times well up and hope takes hold of us... . And that is really I think the sole reason so many of us put up with such incredible amounts of pain and suffering and abuse... .

But we really shouldn't. I believe there are times when it is worth it to endure some pain in order for good times to be able to emerge, like if the partner is willing to go into therapy and or medication and we ourselves work on us to create functioning boundaries, learn communication skills and detachment skills and so on... . But there are also times when we need to just stop ourselves, take ourselves out of a destructive situation and simply count our losses and realize that it is a lost cause... .

I will not tell you what I think you should do, since that fills no purpose whatsoever... . But I want to let you know that you are not alone. And you are important. And there are more possibilities in life than hanging on to this r/s. And encourage you to continue on the route you have started to explore right now where you begin to see yourself a little bit again, and perhaps it is time now foe you to actually allow yourself to mourn the lack of love that this r/s displays. You are worth it is a tired slogan, but the truth is you are worth a better life for yourself.

And I also want to encourage you not to accept or take any more abuse from this man. Not even the smallest sign of it... .

I also think it is great that you have found your way here, and that you allow yourself to reflect and vent all the things you have been through. It helps! It really does, no matter how painful it feels to do it... .

I think I speak for all people here too, when I say that we are here for you, we want to listen, and we are here to help to the best of our ability... .

Best wishes and keep at it, you are on the right track, as long as you are the focus of it... .

scout99

[rollercoaster24]

Dear Scout99

Thanks so much for your incredible insight and ability to put it in a nutshell for me.

I appreciate your very great wisdom, and it has truly helped.

Part of the cycle that kept me addicted, was the brainwashing they do to you, that tells you you deserve the way they act around you, or treat you, (saying it is because they are involved with you since after all their life was so great before they met you right, NOT!).

I so easily brought into all his guilt and justifications for his abuse towards me.

I also was (in the times I could not escape to take 'time out' from his rage) intermittently reinforcing his act to stay the same, (unwittingly of course) and then there were the times when I fought back after taking so much of his crap every day and being so supportive, whilst he gave me nothing at all, (least of all love).

Last night and today have been no exception for me.

Yesterday, I knew he was beginning to run out of money yet again, (will be broke by Sunday). I listened to him and validated him once again, (expected to be his therapist on call) for 3 hours. I was not feeling well myself, very tired, and nauseous too, after reminding him that I would have to end the call now, I was again ignored, or he would start his sulky tone of voice, (how dare I have needs or feelings).

By the time 3.30 came around, and sick of his yelling and snarling in my ear, I firmly and loudly said I was going to hang up now, and say Goodbye, and would text him Goodnight later if he wished, as I do every day.

He didn't sound like he cared if I did, because of the way he responded.

Later on, I decided to call him around 7 pm, to say Goodnight instead, I rang his mobile, (no answer yet again). So I rang his parents, (thinking he might be inside with them after dinner). His Father answered and rambled on and said BP was lucky to have friends like them and myself, (I'm a little tired of his parents calling me his 'friend'.

The Father talked about his own stuff, then put BP's Mother on the phone, (who I always feel doesn't really wish to talk to me by the tone of her voice). She seemed happy I was well adjusted, (I was acting) and we talked about happy things, I pretended it was OK that she was perfectly fine with her adult son, disappearing overnight without his partner again, she wouldn't care if I was upset about it, as she isn't interested anyway, unless it is about her.

I said Goodbye after she had told me he had rung her saying he had gone to his favourite city again and ran out of petrol on the way but it was OK, he had sorted it. She said she didn't think he would stay overnight this time, since the weather was a bit rough, (like this is perfectly acceptable for him to do whilst in a relationship!)

We ended the call, and I decided this was it for me. It is not fair that I get the twenty questions about where I am or what I do at nights if I don't go to work, yet he gives no information about what he does, or where he goes, and never answers his phone, yet has told me all along that he is always 'alone' and sleeping in his car. He also told me all along that since he has made a habit of sleeping in his car, he has to always be on alert to danger from crime, so he always sleeps lightly, and only ever from 12am-4am. Amazingly, he doesn't answer his phone the whole time he is away, and cannot be contacted until the next morning again, or later the following afternoon.

So, being again incredibly hurt that he ignores how I feel about his staying away at nights unreachable, I sent a lot of texts, telling him off, and yes, calling him out on his whole act with me, and also names too.

I am not proud of this, but I have had enough of being expected to soak up all the hateful crap he dishes out in my ear, and his 4 days a week painting our 'non-relationship' black. Yet I am not allowed to dish out criticism myself, since he doesn't want anyone making him feel bad about himself.