Trying to hang on

[Peace train]

We are 4 days in to one of my husband's rages.  It started Monday because I asked him to help with something that would take 5 minutes.  It escalated into how trapped he is and how I've caused all his problems for the 3 years we been married.  I've been reading a lot about BPD and, intellectually, I understand the condition.  I'm having such a hard time getting past my own emotional feelings.  The criticism hurts and it goes on for so long.  I've used some of the recommended techniques and it calms things for a few hours.  Then, he comes back at me with more anger and fierceness than before.  It's like he can't come out of it until I'm beaten down.  I haven't broken down crying yet in this latest episode, and I'm determined not to.  How do I rise above the cruel words and attacks?  I'm not sure I'm strong enough. 

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[Vindi]

eventually he will calm down, part of his rage and anger is part of his BPD... . you are strong, and I know you don't like being attacked with cruel words... . set some boundaries for yourself and tell him what is acceptable and not acceptable, and keep taking the needed "space" til things cool off, even if you go in another room or to a friends house.

I wish you luck... .

[zaqsert]

Remember too that you do not need his approval, agreement, or acceptance whenever you choose to take a time out.  He most likely will not give it to you even if you ask for it.  It is yours to take.  No need to justify it to anyone.

Hang in there.  Keep posting whenever you want to.  It sounds like you have already been reading through the lessons (on the right of these pages), which is good.

[NoSocks]

Peace train, the details of your experiences mirror my own. My H and I have been married almost three years and he too tells me/rages at me that I'm the reason for all that has gone bad in his life since we got married. I have been working ACTIVELY for the last 8 or so months to bring him to choosing treatment. And also to be officially diagnosed. I struggle with some of the techniques given in the BPD material that's suppose to help calm him down. Like your H it only makes things worse. The criticizing and not stopping until you cry. My H continues to up the antie as I get stronger and refuse to hook into his rages. The longer it takes for him to break me down the harder he tries. So using the ":)on't hook into his tantrums" as they teach us Non's, will only work for some. You and I and others like us will have to search out something else. Keep posting though... . it makes ALL the difference. These ppl here are a God send.

[Gueneviere]

Peace train I am also four days in, starting with something really petty that we argued over on Monday. This one has been a silent treatment ever since his initial outburst. We'll have been married a year in September. Like you and RX, though, the times he is vocal are when I also hear that I am the cause of his unhappiness. Usually also that he doesn't love me, wants a divorce, and only married me because at the time it was too late to turn back with the wedding.

I also have been resolved not to feed into his drama this time... . usually by now I'll have broken down but this time I've just gone on with my business and left him alone. Four days is a long time for him -- usually by day 2 or so he starts acting as if nothing ever happened. So I'm also getting the sense that he doesn't want to let up until he gets a reaction from me. I don't intend to give him one this time... .

Hang in there. We all deserve better than this.

[Peace train]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

RX, you described exactly what I go through!  And yes, setting limits and removing myself hasn't worked yet.  It only gives me a momentary break.  And then, when we have contact again, BAM! he's at me with greater force, determination and hurtful remarks.  It's sad, but I don't feel so alone knowing other people go through similar things.  I haven't figured out what will work.  So far the only thing that ends the rage is letting him tell me how horrible I am for 3-4 days.  There's gotta be a better way.

Gueneviere, I would love to know how it turns out this time.  It will be interesting to see what he does if you don't get drawn in.

My H is over his latest storm.  Just like that, everything was fine for him.  He got in his last licks this morning.  I didn't say much and stayed cool.  Tonight he's all happy and back to "normal."  I made it through this one without crying.  First time in three years.  It's a small step but maybe it shows I'm starting to understand a little more.  I get so discouraged because my H goes through this about every 7-10 days and then rages for 3-4.  I don't have enough time to recover between storms.

[arabella]

And yes, setting limits and removing myself hasn't worked yet.  It only gives me a momentary break.  And then, when we have contact again, BAM! he's at me with greater force, determination and hurtful remarks.

... .

My H is over his latest storm.  Just like that, everything was fine for him.  He got in his last licks this morning.  I didn't say much and stayed cool.  Tonight he's all happy and back to "normal."  I made it through this one without crying.  First time in three years.  It's a small step but maybe it shows I'm starting to understand a little more.  I get so discouraged because my H goes through this about every 7-10 days and then rages for 3-4.  I don't have enough time to recover between storms.

Sounds like an 'extinction burst'. You set a boundary he doesn't like so he pushes and pushes and huffs and puffs and hopes that just a little bit more will be all it takes to get you to back down. It's the escalation before the surrender. Unfortunately it often happens more than once. BUT if you keep hanging in there - good news! - they usually just stop. They realize their behaviour isn't delivering the result they want so they quit. This is what people mean when they say "it gets worse before it gets better".

You're doing great! This is a change from your previous three year pattern so it will be interesting to see what happens. Congrats on surviving your first burst!

[Chosen]

Hi Peace train,

It's so exhausting and emotionally tiring when we're amidst our pwBPD's rages, and like yours, my H can rage for several days.

When you come back after a while, expect him to keep provoking you, so you will engage in whatever the fight was with him.  He may seem calm for a while, and then of course he will try to push you, blame you... . but don't give in.  It's hurtful, yes, but you also have to know that at that moment, he is doing everything he can to break you.  I know my H would.   And when I used to break down in tears, even though he had won, he would still continue with the shaming because I confirm his feeling that I'm scum, b-ch, every bad thing he calls me. 

It is really hurtful to hear these comments, and this is why I don't tolerate them anymore.  By that, I mean if he chooses to call me names like that, I no longer discuss whatever the issue is.  I may stay there, but I don't respond.  It's their choice how to address us and our choice on how to respond.

[Peace train]

It does take longer than it used for my H to get to me.  I'm going to try your ideas and see what happens.  I'll listen, but I won't engage, no matter how false or absurd his accusations are.  I'll still remove myself when my feelings are starting to boil up.  This sounds like a plan.  I should have a few days to practice this in my mind before he gets fired up again.

I have a new concern that this latest episode brought up.  He has said several times "he's about to lose it."  I don't know what that means.  When I asked, he just started in again about how I don't take care of him.  Is he looking for extra attention or could something major happen?  Any thoughts on what I do if he does totally lose control?

[Blazing Star]

Hi Peacetrain,

and 

I am sorry to hear that he is on such a short and intense cycle, it sounds like you have time just to catch your breath and hunker down for the next one.

It does take longer than it used for my H to get to me.  I'm going to try your ideas and see what happens.  I'll listen, but I won't engage, no matter how false or absurd his accusations are.  I'll still remove myself when my feelings are starting to boil up.  This sounds like a plan.  I should have a few days to practice this in my mind before he gets fired up again.

It's great that you are able to detach a little more from your H's rages, and removing yourself is a great idea too! For me when mine is triggered I take it as a sign to go into heavy selfcare mode, otherwise I am going to get triggered too, and be anxious and unhappy. So I detach as much as I can. I try to do things that nourish myself, be it a hot bath with a book, or if I just have 5mins then a cup of tea in the sun and some deep deep breaths.

When he is raging I try to detach and give him some validation, "You seem really upset right now" if that doesn't work I might nod and 'mm-hmm' and not actually listen to the words, imagine them floating over my head like a fluffy cloud, and then exit and go do something self nurturing. If he is abusive or accusing and the rage is directed at me then I exit pretty swiftly "I understand you are angry right now, I am willing to talk to you about this when you are calmer and able to talk to me without shouting or saying mean things" and take my time out.

I have a new concern that this latest episode brought up.  He has said several times "he's about to lose it."  I don't know what that means.  When I asked, he just started in again about how I don't take care of him.  Is he looking for extra attention or could something major happen?  Any thoughts on what I do if he does totally lose control?

Mine has done this in the past, it is like he is threatening me. Do you feel he is threatening you or informing you?

What would happen if now, in a normal time you asked him "Honey when you said you were about to lose it, it worried me, any thoughts on how I could respond to that if it happens again?"

Primarily you need to look after yourself, and then him. If he loses control and you are scared then call the police. Do not worry about the possible consequences of this, you need to be safe.

You said he started going on about how you don't take care of him. We are all responsible for ourselves. What are your thoughts around this? What obligations do you feel around looking after him?

We are here for you! Looking forward to your reply.

Love Blazing Star

[Peace train]

Blazing Star, those are some good ideas.  I like letting his words float over like a cloud.  I think that's the key.  If only I can hold out long enough.  I don't know what the meaning is behind his saying he's about to lose it.  I recently asked him after he calmed down and he didn't answer and then changed the subject.  I'm going to watch for an opportunity to ask again.  My feeling is he doesn't know what he means by it.

The "taking care of him" has gotten us into much of the conflict.  If there is something he doesn't like, he offhandedly hints at it.  If I don't pick up on it right away(and for a long time I didn't-it was so subtle) he lets it bother him and he will bring it up as a rage days or weeks later.  It seems he wants me to intuit things he needs.  When I don't pick up on these things, he accuses me of not caring about him or taking care of him.  I used to think he's an adult and if he wants something new, he can take the initiative and buy it or ask me to. Or, if he wants to do a task differently, he can do it or run it past me for an opinion.  Instead, he stays quiet until he blows.  And over 3 years, he remembers every episode, "sees a pattern" and during his rage will repeat everything that he perceives I've done wrong that proves I don't take care of him.  I don't want to minimize his concerns because to him they really are major.  It took me a long time to realize this because most of his complaints are very small things to most people like how the dirty dishes are stacked.

I am soo glad I found this site.  I thinks it's really going to help me stay sane.  It's so good to be able to talk to people who understand.   

[NoSocks]

Hi there guys,  Just after my H and I began to get serious, followed by getting married he would cycle 3-5 times daily. I can remember all I did in those days was cry several times a day. Mass confusion, as I didn't know what was happening. Still to this day my H will tell me he was forced into marriage. I try not to get hooked in at that point, but the fact is he went through three pastors to get us married. It's a really long story, I'll spare you the details. But yes it's true. He sought out three pastors, the third one married us. So, when he says he was being forced, I really have to laugh and I usually share that fact with him just to TRY and bring some levity to what he's doing. Doesn't work though... . you know them.

[Gueneviere]

RX,

I get the same thing . Some variation of him being forced into marrying me, he just did it because I wanted to get married, we were too far along with the planning to turn back, etc. Never mind that he organized an elaborate mountaintop proposal... . and made the altar for our ceremony... . but then when dysregulated acts like a gun was pointed at his head.

I guess this isn't as uncommon as I thought... .    

[Blazing Star]

Peacetrain, tricky one with the 'taking care of him' stuff. You sound pretty perceptive on it all.

Have you spoken to him, during calm times about taking responsibility for ourselves, that you are not a mindreader, we are all unique individuals with different needs, and we must be responsible for meeting our own needs? Do you think he would be capable of hearing this?

Would it be worth having a couple of lines SET style that you repeat until he gets it?

S (support) = Honey, I am here for you

E (empathy)= and I understand how frustrated you feel

T (truth)= I am not here to look after you and I am not responsible for your feelings.

Sounds a bit clunky I know, and just thought it might be good for you to work on this yourself, and even if you just repeat the SET in your head like a mantra, so you feel strong on it, a reminder that you are not responsible for him, not a mind-reader, not here to look after him etc.

I am working on this one too, the different ways of doing things (yes as simple as stacking dishes!), trying not to take it personally when I do something that to him is wrong. When I am feeling strong I can let it go, and ignore it, when I am not in a good space it feels like the last straw. Mine does the hints to rages over the small stuff, it is Hard to deal with I know 

Love Blazing Star

[Peace train]

Right on schedule!  7 days and my H started a rage today.  I've been practicing letting the words go and not saying much.  I need so much more practice.  He got to me today, the first day.  He says such vicious mean things that my instinct to defend myself is stronger than my resolve to stay quiet.  How do you do it?  How do you let the attacks go?  I feel as though I'm losing myself.  Any ideas are appreciated.

[Blazing Star]

How do you do it?  How do you let the attacks go?  I feel as though I'm losing myself.  Any ideas are appreciated.

 It is hard I know!

What do I do?

I try not to hang around for much it. I schedule an extra appointment for myself with my T. I take myself on dates. I visualise a white bubble around me, a shield protecting me. I repeat to myself that he is ill. I do some work in the SWOE (Stop Walking On Eggshells) workbook. I take something from my 'Makes me happy list' and I do it.

Don't lose yourself, find yourself again, find the parts of you that are separate from him and untouched by his stuff, do some things you used to love doing before he was in your life, hang out with friends that bring out the fun and lighthearted in you.

Let us know how you get on

Love Blazing Star