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Relentless
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« on: August 01, 2013, 03:01:29 PM » |
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I did something stupid, but not malicious. Unsure of best course of action at this point.
I ask one thing of readers... . Please assume what I say about myself is true. I already feel stupid for what I did, and I know it was innocent, yet stupid. I tried on a different site, and people made me feel like garbage. I'm a really nice guy, who loves people and I have no malicious intentions towards anyone. I don't always have a filter for making the best decisions, but I definitely mean well, or I don't mean to hurt. Anyways, if what I say isn't true, I'm only hurting myself by not being honest, since no one's advice would really matter if I don't tell the truth.
So here is my situation:
I have known my girlfriend (or ex) for 14 years now. We started dating at the end of 2012. It was amazing for the most part. She and I matched on many levels and on many goals in life. I'm 31, and she is 28. We never knew how compatible we were as companions, we were always just friends. I would have asked her out when she turned 18, but 9/11 happened and I joined the army. I said happy bday to her every year, and checked in from time to time.
She has used silent treatment against me a few times before this time. She thinks the fights are always my fault, because I say something that she doesn't like. I try to tell her that her reaction is more important in causing the actual "fight" than my words, since I don't have intentions of starting a fight and we all say things that we either don't mean, or that we intend in a different way and is taken a different way.
Anyhow, this time: She was really upset all day, she cried thinking I was going to leave her, or cheat on her. She was certain of it. I listened to her and consoled her. We napped for a bit. When we woke up, we were intimate (no sex), it was great and wonderful.
So she went to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep, so I was playing with my phone. She turned over and demanded to see my phone. She was convinced I was taking pictures of her. She demanded to see my phone. So I gave her my phone... . no pics of her. Then she went in my email.
Here is the stupid thing I did. We JUST started P90X together a few days ago, she didn't fit into her swimsuit, so I was going to get her a new one. A friend of mine on facebook had a pic of herself in a cute swimsuit that I thought would look really good on my gf. So all I did was send the pic to myself. I swear to all that I can, I didn't do anything with malicious intent. It was just so I would remember to go on amazon and have a good idea of what to get the next day.
Anyways, before she could open that email I grabbed my phone. She was convinced I took pictures of her and sent them to someone. Not true... . AT ALL. I've had pictures of ex's... . I am not THAT guy. So even if I had some of her, no one but I would see them. And in this case, I had no pics of her on my phone (other than the ones of us kissing or out on dates).
Well she was demanding, refused to listen to me talk. She got physical and tried to grab the phone back. She just repeated herself over and over, "Give me the phone." Or "Show me the email"
So I figured, well I have to show her, because they're not pics of her. She saw the pic of the girl in a swim suit, and flipped out. She yelled at me, "I'm your girlfriend, how dare you have pics of another girl on your phone!"
Yup... . the pic meant nothing... . and it was one pic... . not more. I just did a stupid lazy guy thing. I should have just typed myself an email, but it was easier (10 seconds easier) to just email the pic to myself... . I could have wrote, Check FB picture of xxxxx to see swimsuit and find that one. But I took the shortcut.
She refused to listen to me... . she wouldn't even let me drive her home. So I walked with her, she called her dad. I wasn't going to let her walk alone in the city at 4am. Her dad came and got her. While we were waiting for her dad, I did unload a bit on her (nothing not true, but things of how she was a crappy gf at times)... . Who knows what she told him... . anyways. I haven't spoken to her since she got in the car... .
I asked her dad to get her stuff, he came Sunday 7/21 and got her things and dropped mine off. I've been the best bf to her that she has ever had. I know because I've known her for 14 years. And I know about her exes etc. I don't need to give examples, but I can if anyone wants any. I've been extremely loving and affectionate in all forms.
I was frantic the first few days and obsessively texted. Then I took a 48 hour break. So I texted once on thursday, once friday, once saturday, and a few times Sunday. I texted her just once to say thanks for our first date last year. I say that to her every 29th. All of my messages have been loving and caring, I've not once expressed anger. And I was only begging the first day or two.
I'm not sure what to do. I have never gotten it this bad at all. Should I lose hope? I mean 14 years is a long time to have something with someone. I know the romantic relationship is a fraction of it... . but could she really be cutting me out forever? Or is she likely to come back at some point? She has maintained friendship with other guys (other than her abuser), but she also never had a true loving adult relationship. Her dad told me I'm the only guy she called a bf in 5 years and that I'm the best relationship she has ever had, (he told me she said this stuff)... . the last was the abuser. The other two guys he didn't even know were ever her "bf". Anyways, I know no one can say for sure what she will do... . but the silent treatment has been going on 12/13 days now. I haven't texted now since Monday 7/29. I text every 29th to thank her for our first date. Didn't want to break that continuum. From someone with BPD... . what is she likely thinking? What would you end up doing? I've heard that the Silent treatment can last typically for 2weeks to 2 months in cases like this. Does the 14 years of friendship matter? I did treat her exceptionally well. Ask anything of me. Okay, I'm done rambling for now. Thanks in advance. I sincerely appreciate anyone who can give me some insight.
I have no clue what is happening. I never did a thing that was malicious to her. I've done so so so much for her, and loved her. IDK.
I'm having a terrible day today. This weekend I'm spreading my father's ashes in NJ, I was really counting on her love and support today. last weekend was my first full weekend as a booked comedian, and the weekend this all happened was my birthday weekend. I'm devastated right now. I'm shocked, and in disbelief.
I really want to save our friendship... . I don't want a romantic relationship with her right now (well I impulsively do minimally still, but I don't because I know it's not good right now). She is leaving for 4 months in a few weeks.
I sent a text saying basically what you said, except I said "I'm going to try not to text you again, not for awhile at least. I don't want to push you away. If you ever need anything, I will be there for you right away. I cannot force you to come back in any capacity. Whenever you're ready, I will be waiting to be there in some positive capacity."
Has anyone been given or given the silent treatment for extended times and "hated" the person they once loved immensely? If so, how long? ever get back together? Ever end up friends?
One big question I have is... . do you read messages and cards etc? I made a card for her and a puzzle, and gave it to her a week ago Sunday. Put it through the mailbox slot. She stayed with a guy who abused her physically and verbally for 4.5 years. I am so devastated she would do this to me based on a belief I did something I wasn't doing. No benefit of the doubt for me? But stay with an abuser for 4.5 years. She wanted to wait for marriage to go all the way, and I was totally fine with that. She didn't wait with anyone else except her high school bf. IDK... . Is it possible her BPD didn't fully develop until recently if she hadn't had a loving relationship before me (as an adult)?
Thank you to anyone who reads this and takes the time to respond. I'm struggling hard right now, and I respect everyone. Thank you to those with BPD that take the time to help me understand and cope. I've cried myself to sleep half the nights in the last two weeks over this. My birthday was the worst bday I've ever had, and each day has just been such a struggly, knowing in my heart I was the best to her, and never did anything malicious... . Okay, I'll stop with the novel. Thank you so much. PM me if you have any specific questions or anything at all. Thank you. And I hope whoever reads this is having a good day, or doing as well as you can.
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