Opinions please

[Sunny2013]

Hello all- 

After 12 years of marriage (7 of them absolutely horrific), I have decided to leave my uBPDh after learning about his almost 2 year affair and their profile on a swingers website that was created one year ago. 

Believe it or not, the girlfriend is a therapist! So my question is - do you think that since she is a therapist she will be able to have a good relationship with him since she knows how to deal with people with problems?  Or will she eventually get tired of being his therapist and always having to validate his feelings all the while never getting her needs met?

Or since he is having his feelings validated will be be able to meet her needs?

Your thoughts?

[Validation78]

Hi Sunny!

I think that any therapist that has a relationship with a pwBPD and a married one at that has some problems of her own. Starting the relationship on shaky ground at best is a pretty good indicator of where it will end up, IMHO!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[GreenMango]

Second on Val's comment.

That's a hot mess in the making.

[Saffron2]

What's with all of the cheating?  Good grief!

I think that any therapist that has a relationship with a pwBPD and a married one at that has some problems of her own. Starting the relationship on shaky ground at best is a pretty good indicator of where it will end up, IMHO!

Exactly! A hot mess in the making is right!

I'm not sure what you do for a living, but how would you like to do it 24hr/day, 7days/week? I bet that this is going nowhere fast. 

[KE151]

Disaster, train wreck, chaos is about to start or is already happening there. The set of moral values of this therapist equals your ex's. They will have a miserable r/s.

I have a male acquaintance who is a T, he started a r/s with a BPD queen, a patient of his. He was a narcissist or with strong NPD traits. The r/s and the end result was devastating for both of them. Severe depression, unemployment, foreclosure of the house, restraining orders, court battles over child custody. You name it, they had it.

[Sunny2013]

Thank you all for your responses! 

Does it make me look bad if I said that reading them made me happy?

BTW- there's more cheating going on as she cheated on her husband with mine and is now in the middle of her own divorce!

Anybody else care to chime in and make me smile?

[Moonie75]

Yeah Sunny,

The swinging caper will be the trust, jealousy, confidence cancer of that relationship.

Swinging is ONLY successful for the couples with the most highly polished & developed trust.

That therapist is a lamb to the slaughter.

You sound nice to me. I'm a frank talking country lad, your husband sounds like a prick!

[Sunny2013]

 Moonie-

You have never been more right about anything  - my husband is a prick and although it hurts, I'm glad to be dumping his ass and looking forward to someday having a healthy relationship!

Thanks for making me smile

[Moonie75]

Yes it does hurt, it hurts like hell...

When I first found this forum i only really dipped in & out of it a little. Possibly because I was unsure what I truly wanted & believed i could have. But then events carried me to knowing exactly what I wanted & was & was NOT going to put up with.

Then I came back to this forum & have recently used it much more & have participated as best I can. It's enabled me to vent, learn (about her & me). It's made me no longer feel alone and best of all, I can feel the goodness I'm getting from it. I can feel my sense of humour again & even laugh & chuckle at some of the $hite I've been through. I'm learning to laugh at her, and best of all at myself again.

It's a powerful tonic that can give me that back, and this forum will give you the same I hope.

Good luck Sunny, & enjoy the people here x

[ObiRedKenobi]

It sounds like the thoughts of what if the next person makes them happy and they live the rest of their lives happy but with some specific reasons for that fear. BUT some therapists I know don't like dealing with people with BPD because it is SO hard and thats within the confines of therapy not an intimate relationship. I don't know many therapists so I can't say many.

I look at the staying board from time to time and there are some heart wrenching stories there. Successes too but for me I just couldn't imagine anyone walking into a relationship where they know full well its going to be so damn difficult.

Therapist or not she's diluding herself if she thinks she has the tools to deal with it succesfully. Add the swinging and both of them cheating and I don't want to be around when that bomb goes off.

[Sunny2013]

Obi-

You're right ... . That's my worst fear right now and what's making it so painful for me.  I'm so afraid that he will go into his new life and live happily ever after with his new family. That's what I wanted with him and I never got it.  I was robbed.

However, everybody tells me that's impossible.  He didn't like to spend time with me or his kids EVER, he was extremely selfish and always put himself first (even before his kids), he's a big liar ... . You know the drill ... . So he will be the same person with a different woman.

Hearing that he won't have a good relationship is what's getting me through each day right now.  I hope one day I can release that and just have pity for the fool!

[GreenMango]

It seems like a good time to leave this maelstrom to itself.

Getting your ducks in a tow with the kids and yourself is really important.  As much as this hurts right now putting focus on his bizarre actions is going to set you back. 


What's your plan?

[Sunny2013]

GreenMango-

I've never heard of the word maelstrom and had to look it up.  You hit the nail on the head!

My situation is a bit complicated as we still live together in the house he owned before I met him.  However, given the circumstances he's a f****** pervert and the fact that he stays at his girlfriend house four nights a week, I'm hoping I can have him removed from the house until the divorce is final.  If that doesn't pan out I have several relatives who have already told me I can live with them.  So housing is not a concerned for me right now.

In the meantime, I'm meditating, going for acupuncture, going to support groups, anything I can do to heal myself.