Have I really changed?

[qcarolr]

I found this old journal entry on my computer yesterday. I am feeling so similar in so many ways right now. That sense of exhaustion. I am working to give back responsibilities that are not mine to carry. To eveyone, DD27, gd8, dh, co-workers/boss... .  So if I stop a moment to ponder:  I can do this if I find ways to take care of my own needs. I can accept that I will have times when I backslide to old patterns. I can find ways to repair relationships damaged by these down cycles of mine. I need to reach out for all the support I can find to make this happen in more consistent ways.

I want to share this journal entry. It is long. It was when gd8 was about 7 months old, her daddy had been in jail 5 weeks and was waiting his sentencing, DD was 19 at that time. She was not dx BPD until 2009 - she was taking meds. for depression and bipolar, or at least supposed to. In so many ways she has not grown up yet since she still will not accept treatment for her mental illness and substance use (self-medication).

Feb 10, 2006; 11:49pm

DD is at friends overnight – she needs a break. She is worried about not getting her period yet. God I pray she is not pregnant as she does as DH does. It must have hurt so much to have DH ask if the baby would be his! He has no trust of DD. Is this based solely on his past experiences with women?

How do I get you outside with GD in the morning sunshine instead of resting on the couch with the curtains closed hoping she will take a nap. DD, you feed her and change her and talk to her during the day and are so ready for a break. I know you call asking when we will be home to help you have a time to hold onto to get through the last piece of the day.

How do I convince you to accept some counseling from T or whoever to get out of the house at work or school. I do not know how to help you with this. Even if you want to be dependent on government support disability you have to do the therapy. It helps others, so why can you not even give it a serious try? What gets so in the way of your success? It cannot be all how you were raised.

I feel full of evil thoughts whenever DD is out – angry that I am making baby milk, doing baby laundry, settling GD for bed each night. Then I also feel guilty because I enjoy doing each and every thing for Emma and not letting it go until DD does it. She knows how – she has done it before.

How do I help DD see the benefit of teaching herself to sleep at night so she can be a part of GD's day with hope and energy? DD senses that it will only require more and more of her to parent GD. Does she have doubts about holding up to the effort?

It does feel like DD is the day care provider and Larry and I are the parents for Emma. Does Lori really think she is the main provider? I hear her talk to DH about getting joint custody of SS,Jr. for the summers. She must know that a stable, independent home environment would be needed for her family. What is she able to do to work toward that goal? Even if she gets housing support, Adam cannot live there with his legal record. I think she does have regrets about having a child, and panic about getting pregnant again. Sometimes I get so tired of the treadmill of my life. DD must feel this way also.

I am so lucky to have MY DH in my life. I need to focus more energy on loving him and not fighting him everyday – mostly about DD. But I truly believe if we can give her some consistent, dependable time during the week maybe she will be able to focus on something besides sleeping when we are home with GD.

I wish there was a way to honestly talk to DD about my thoughts and fears for her, but know she doesn’t want or can’t hear these things as she struggles to put these same fears to rest every day.

She is so concerned about DH getting religion in jail as part of his recovery. She is so against anything in control of her life or mind, including God. How will this be reconciled? I hope she gets some support from her friends tonight. I am so sad W and C have stepped back from her since DH's arrest. Their friendship was so valuable to DD. Would it be overstepping my bounds to say anything to either of them?  Yes, probably it would push them or DD away from each other. It is so hard to step back and let the pain fall on DD. And yet when I step up it is painful too. The pain is so overwhelming sometimes I just want to sit and cry. But I resist this every day – I don’t want to be a whiny baby. I want to be calm and mature and consistent with everyone around me but I am not this way.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi Q-

Saw this last night but my internet connection went out while I was answering. I get up early and your post was on my mind.

I have to say, your journal entry from before is so honest and stark. All of the things you worry about are significant. I can't imagine how painful it must have been to have your DD so young and actively involved in so much... . and to know that each of her poor decisions was negatively impacting her life and yours in such a significant way.

My BPDSD22's life is out of kilter but she is "not so bad" and one of the  things that I sort of feel I need to remark on is that your DD is struggling more, has brought children into the world and is very low functioning comparatively. I think many, many of us here have kids who can work (but need lots of encouragement and frequently screw up their work situations in various ways).

Your daughter has been threatening. My SD hits walls, breaks mirrors and windows, cuts herself shallowly and when her addictions got out of hand she volunteered for treatment and the second time she bought into AA.

Still, she is a mess and has BPD and that sets in motions many negatives and I am frustrated and hurt and confounded by her behavior. She pisses me off in major ways all the time. We feel like she is constantly infringing on our peace of mind, feel like she will have issues and problems for her life. My DH sees where he made mistakes in her early childhood, we fight about his parenting, used to really struggle with this situation.

So Q---I hear how you are hurting and why wouldn't you be? So much is so wrong and the situation is near impossible and

your GD is being affected negatively. And you aren't getting any younger.

So, if you stumble, we are here to catch you and right you and support you until you are standing on your own again. You have faith... . now would be a good time to rely on it strongly.

There is no wishing this away. It is HARD and you are taking measures to change the ways you deal with your DD and I, for one, believe that you are such a good person. You keep this very difficult child in your heart and try your best.

My DH tells me that at times he wishes he could just walk away from SD. He would never do it but I can't ignore that she has stretched him to the limits and he is only human afterall.

Quantitatively, my SD isn't "as ill" as your daughter. She doesn't have some of the same limitations as your DD. And my SD would try the patience of a Saint. What is going on with your DD would bring anyone to their knees.

Q- please don't beat yourself up. Even if you can only take 15 minutes today, go outside and breathe in some air and reflect on the splendor of this beautiful earth.

I have found writings from five or six years ago that sound exactly like things I would say about SD today. Can you find any hope in the idea that sometimes they get better in their 40s? SD is just so immature- but when I met her she was acting 7 and now she is acting more 13-14ish. Sigh.

 

xoxoxo

 

Thursday

[qcarolr]

Thursday, thank you for being here. For the encourgement.

I do hammer myself too often. I do forget that things are getting better as dh and I get on the same page, gd is able to be verbal about her feelings and needs, and DD is gaining in her self-awareness. DD has also accepted some of our boundaries about her living in our home. She wants to be in our family - she NEVER LETS GO OF THIS NEED. Today, I can be grateful for this.

So, I continue to work at letting go of the outcomes for DD. She is in charge of her life. I am in charge of maintaining the reasonable emotional, physical, and financial boundaries I need with her. She knows what resources are out there and where to connect with them. The skills I need now are to find ways to get the constant thinking of her out of my head. It is like a habit to be always thinking of her.

Any ideas?

qcr  

[Suzn]

The skills I need now are to find ways to get the constant thinking of her out of my head. It is like a habit to be always thinking of her.

Any ideas?

YES. Mindfulness. qcarol do you have a DBT workbook? If not, go get one and work on it. DBT isn't only for pwBPD. It is for ANYONE who struggles emotionally. What you've been dealing with is hard, I agree totally with Thursday. I bought this workbook myself to learn more about this therapy, I've also scoured the web for mindfulness exercises. I use them. With these practices I can attest to being able to control my anxiety today.

Not only can you help yourself, you can teach mindfulness to your gd and possibly your dd. Meaning, "teaching" by them witnessing you doing. By practicing these techniques yourself people in your family get to see the results. Talking about your experiences with mindfulness and breathing exercises at home can rub off on others.  Yoga and/or meditation classes may be helpful, getting out of your house to go to a class once, or a couple of times, a week is something you can do just for you. It could very well have a ripple effect.

[vivekananda]

Hi qcr, you have changed... . a lot. It may not be so obvious to yourself, because the sort of change we go through is gradual. We are changing the way we think - that is hard. We are not going about it in a superficial way, we are delving deep into ourselves and creating neural pathways that help us achieve a wise mind.

I don't need to add to suzn's advice except to say, I am off to yoga now and I will set aside 10 - 20 mins for a deep meditation this afternoon. (I haven't got the patience/head space for the DBT exercises... . maybe later).

One thing that hasn't changed is that the heartbreak we feel will always be there. What does change is how we cope with it.

It is a practice that we engage in with our loved ones especially: boundaries and validation. These are practices in being mindful and acting with a wise mind.

Vivek