Struggling with the rebounds and then NC

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Hi Family

1st post for a while but I log on and read the posts everyday... . it's so much help.

My story is long but I'll summarise and keep it brief.

My udBPDgf left me 18 months ago, for reasons that I don't know. I felt relief that she had left but I got in contact with her a couple of months after the split and the last 16 months have been a nightmare.

2 months after we split she had found a male 'friend' who, as she has continually said, angrily said, is just a friend. Anyway, for the last 16 months we have recycled more times than I care to think.

What I'm struggling with is that she'll spend a day with me, we have a great time, we make love, we walk to a restaurant hand in hand and then the following day she'll text 'leave me alone, don't ever contact me again'. It hurts so much and I don't tend to text for several days but then I can't resist and I send her a message. It seams to be me that always makes 1st contact. The texts continue and we progress to meeting up and spend another lovely day together... . see the pattern? I ask her why she  crashes us so often but she doesn't explain. The latest incident came a week ago. She text me saying I can't wait to spend the weekend with you, we should make plans to spend our life together. 2 hours later she changed her mobile number and I've not heard from her since and it's taking it's toll on me. I just don't know what to think. I know I should finally call it a day and I may have no other choice because I can't contact her.

99% of me believes she is in a sexual relationship with her friend but she is so convincing when she tells me she isn't. I think to myself 'If she loves him why is she still in contact with me, making love with me?' I guess it's that thought that keeps me going back and believing her. She does lie continually, I know that for a fact.

I guess my question is... . do they know how awful and painful it is to be with someone one day, promising the earth, and then the following day want NC. I know it's splitting but surely some part of them must know how terrible it is on the non?.

There is one other question. Is she treating the new guy the same? does he suffer all the hurt?

Sorry for the length of my message family.   

[Zack]

Hi Family

1st post for a while but I log on and read the posts everyday... . it's so much help.

My story is long but I'll summarise and keep it brief.

My udBPDgf left me 18 months ago, for reasons that I don't know. I felt relief that she had left but I got in contact with her a couple of months after the split and the last 16 months have been a nightmare.

2 months after we split she had found a male 'friend' who, as she has continually said, angrily said, is just a friend. Anyway, for the last 16 months we have recycled more times than I care to think.

What I'm struggling with is that she'll spend a day with me, we have a great time, we make love, we walk to a restaurant hand in hand and then the following day she'll text 'leave me alone, don't ever contact me again'. It hurts so much and I don't tend to text for several days but then I can't resist and I send her a message. It seams to be me that always makes 1st contact. The texts continue and we progress to meeting up and spend another lovely day together... . see the pattern? I ask her why she  crashes us so often but she doesn't explain. The latest incident came a week ago. She text me saying I can't wait to spend the weekend with you, we should make plans to spend our life together. 2 hours later she changed her mobile number and I've not heard from her since and it's taking it's toll on me. I just don't know what to think. I know I should finally call it a day and I may have no other choice because I can't contact her.

99% of me believes she is in a sexual relationship with her friend but she is so convincing when she tells me she isn't. I think to myself 'If she loves him why is she still in contact with me, making love with me?' I guess it's that thought that keeps me going back and believing her. She does lie continually, I know that for a fact.

I guess my question is... . do they know how awful and painful it is to be with someone one day, promising the earth, and then the following day want NC. I know it's splitting but surely some part of them must know how terrible it is on the non?.

There is one other question. Is she treating the new guy the same? does he suffer all the hurt?

Sorry for the length of my message family.   

[Moonie75]

18 months ago split. 2 months off before 16 months of recycling... .

What was life like with her before the split 18 months ago? How long did first spell last, was it destructive as last 16 months?

Do you know what triggered the first break up?

[Moonie75]

Do you see anything in your behavior which might have taught her she can have her cake & eat it?

I think a lot of what they do is down to what we unwittingly teach them we will accept!

Don't want to accept & won't accept are VERY different stances to take.

[winston72]

Hey Zack,

I am on the west coast of the USA and it is 11:45 am here.  It is fun to realize the geographic diversity of people on this site.

I read all of your previous posts.  You seem like a really kind and cool person.  If it was possible to read your own posts as though they were written by someone else, you would probably have all of the answers to your own questions.  She is, of course, treating the other guy just as awfully as she treats you.  And, he seems to be in worse shape than you are.  She is lying to him and he denied the simple and direct facts when you showed them to him.  That dude is in crazy denial-world!  She has spun quite the web of deceit around him.  He is in for a world of hurt in the near future.  Ouch. 

But, you know what that world of hurt feels like because you have lived in it for a few years, and you still choose it.  As you note in an earlier post, this web site is only secondarily about people with personality disorders.  It is primarily about people who choose to identify with those people.  It is, indeed, all about us. 

I am continually telling myself that I should be someone different than the person I am (strange grammar, but could figure out a better sentence!).  I do it in many ways and this underlying feeling about myself creates a pattern of trying to make the relationship work through my adaptations.  It also applies when I (and you) say that any normal person would RUN from such a relationship.  Telling myself this over and over has not provided much insight.  I am finding more progress by accepting that I have chosen over and over to be in such a relationship.  I am drawn to such a person and such a relationship.  I was in it (2.5 months NC as of today) because I wanted to.   Something in that woman and that relationship is very attractive to me.  I liked it.  Why?  Do I really want to live that way? 

Going off a bit here, but my growth edge has been to look at myself honestly, to accept my own feelings and hoping that as I do so I will develop new desires and urges that lead to a more enjoyable life and relationship.  That is an over simplification as I am also in therapy, but there it is.

That girl is awful to you.  You are continually hurt and disappointed by her.  Why do you like to feel that way?  I don't see any indication that she is going to change... . so what about you?

[Octoberfest]

Hi Zack,

Something that is CRITICAL for us to understand about pwBPD and our relationships with them... . It is ALL ABOUT THEM.  This is a huge piece of the puzzle.  Healthy relationships are supposed to be give and take.  pwBPD ONLY take.  We as partners are little more than means to an end for our BPDex's. I had the thought and told my BPDex quite awhile ago... . I said something to the effect of, "You always told me how much you loved me, how I couldn't possibly understand or appreciate how much you loved me.  The truth is you loved how I could make you feel.  You loved the feelings of warmth, security, being wanted, being loved that I provided.  It isn't who I am as a person."

That might sting a little to hear and let sink in, and in fairness, I DO believe that our BPDex's DID love us for who we actually are, to some extent.  But it sure didn't start that way.  When they were first attracted to us, when they first started to "love" us, it was because of how we could make them feel.  Any feelings of love for us as individuals, for who we are, came later.

I think this theory may better help some understand how they can move on so quickly.  How they can often be dating people simultaneously, or start seeing someone a day after a breakup, or be moving in with someone and marrying them after 2 months.  It is because of how those people make them feel, NOT because of who they are.  They may as well be faceless entities, as long as they can hug the pwBPD and make them feel wanted.  It does not last though.  The feelings are never enough, so they go searching for them in other places as well.

Whenever I have feelings or fears that "Maybe it was me.  Maybe my BPDex is going to ride off into the sunset with the new guy, they will live happily ever after, and it will have been me who was the weak link", I remember that at the age of 22, my BPDex was already married and divorced at 19, has been with 30+ partners, was still dating the guy before me in her hometown when she started dating me in our new college town, cheated on me start to finish of our 9 month relationship, was dating 3 guys at once and 2 people at once several other times while with me, and that she has been engaged 3 times.  The pattern of crazy and instability started LONG before me, and it will continue LONG after me.

I think low self confidence and fears of inadequacy may be a defining trait among us NON's.  They are what make us ask the above question when it is so glaringly obvious that IT WAS NOT OUR FAULT. My BPDex is now possibly engaged (I say possibly because she has told many people different things. She is a liar to this day, shocker) to the guy she was cheating on me most recently with who I finally ended things over.  They have known each other just over 3 months now, and when they may have gotten engaged it was 2.5.  There is nothing special about the new guy.  He is just today's flavor.

pwBPD are USERS.  They take and take and take until there is nothing left to give.


So, to your question... . No, they very well may not know how badly it hurts you.  They don't have the self awareness necessary to see the consequences of their actions.  Life is a day by day adventure for them.  It is what makes it impossible for them to hold something together in the long run.

[GreenMango]

Oh this would do a number on me too... .

What I'm struggling with is that she'll spend a day with me, we have a great time, we make love, we walk to a restaurant hand in hand and then the following day she'll text 'leave me alone, don't ever contact me again'. It hurts so much and I don't tend to text for several days but then I can't resist and I send her a message.

This is the dysfunctional dance.  Round and round.  It's really painful.

Have you read the lessons on the leaving board?  They help to explain things a bit.

[Blade99d]

Boy can I relate to this... . the hand holding, the subtle ways she got her hooks into me... . yet every time there was a tiny fight, her favorite words... . WE ARE DONE... . then a few days later, I would apologize, as I have always learned to be the bigger person and admit my faults.  We went to opening day for our local MLB team and she dumped me the following Friday.  That was the last recycle for me.  I got off the roller coaster, did not pass go, and certainly did not collect my $200... . she projected big time on to me, but she was also right in a lot of ways.  She knew I had little to no boundaries. 

[Moonie75]

Blade, If it was her experience that you had little or no boundaries & "WE'RE DONE" was a safe & proven tactic for her, how long did it take her to accept that you really meant business?

Did her efforts to recycle get an upgrade, or did she readily accept it was the the end of the cycling when YOU ended the cycle?

[Zack]

Hi Moonie

I perhaps taught her that I was an easy going bloke and that I would keep giving her chance after chance.

The last 16 months have been the most destructive for sure. Our 2 years as a couple were tough. She would often split us up because of the simplest of reasons... for example she would say 'you shouldn't have cut the lawn, you should have sat with me on the couch'... . 'you shouldn't have gone for a run, you should have stayed at home with me'.

She would often come up with an excuse not to see me, she would blame and illness she had.

The first major red flag happened within a couple of weeks. She phoned me to say 'we cant be together, they wont let us' I drove to her house where she showed me a letter someone had posted to her. It called her a prostitute and other awful names and really had a go at her. I told her I didn't believe them and to ignore them. Her and her son would cry at the letters. The letters went on for 12 months or so and I started receiving them at my house. They would say 'she is being fu***d hard when you're not around, she'll ruin your life'. She always claimed she did not know who they were from but there are only 2 options. 1, she wrote them herself... which is very disturbing or 2, she had ruined someone's life prior to meeting me. I'm not sure of the answer. If someone had wrote them how would they know where I lived?

There were so many red flags.

[Moonie75]

My 'WOW-meter' just jumped off the wall & ran up the street!

That's horrendous mate!

[Gaslit]

Zack :

The texts continue and we progress to meeting up and spend another lovely day together... . see the pattern?

The pattern requires your participation. BPD requires your participation. Stop, and the pattern stops.

Can you stop?

[Clearmind]

Zack you are on the leaving board - what is it you want from this person?

You are playing a role here - you may not see it - however each of you are gaining something from this interaction. She is receiving validation and so are you - however the validation quickly turns to confusion because you are holding onto a fantasy of who you want her to be for you - she is not!

[Zack]

Moonie you're right, it's terrible. I'll never know the answer, whether she wrote them or someone was trying to warn me.

Gaslit, I have no choice but to stop, she's changed her number. If she hadn't I would no doubt have text her. It's a problem with me I guess, to put up with the abuse.

Greenmango, thanks for your thoughts, I'll check out the lessons.

Octoberfest, you're right it's all about them.

Winston, thank you for your kind words. No, I hate feeling like this, it's a good thing that I cant contact her. And the new guy? I guess he maybe experiencing some of what I put up with... . maybe she is different with him... . I really don't know. If the letters I spoke of earlier were a warning then she has done this before and will perhaps always do it.

Clearmind. I'm not sure anymore... . and I should be sure. I guess I'm holding on to the fantasy that one day she'll realise the hurt she's caused and change.   

[Zack]

Octoberfest

Your quote... . (see below) makes so much sense to me, I've read it over and over... .

Something that is CRITICAL for us to understand about pwBPD and our relationships with them... . It is ALL ABOUT THEM.  This is a huge piece of the puzzle.  Healthy relationships are supposed to be give and take.  pwBPD ONLY take.  We as partners are little more than means to an end for our BPDex's. I had the thought and told my BPDex quite awhile ago... . I said something to the effect of, "You always told me how much you loved me, how I couldn't possibly understand or appreciate how much you loved me.  The truth is you loved how I could make you feel.  You loved the feelings of warmth, security, being wanted, being loved that I provided.  It isn't who I am as a person."

I think the defining part of the quote for me is how we make them feel... . how they initially don't love us but they absolutely whole heartedly love the way we make them feel.

At the beginning of most healthy relationships we are on our best behaviour, trying to impress, trying to make the potential partner feel good, to feel wanted... . the 'honeymoon' period. As the relationship develops these feelings become 2nd nature and before we know it we fall in love, both parties fall in love, it becomes natural. I guess in the mind of a pwBPD the initial 'honeymoon' period should last forever and perceive this to be real 'love' and are unable to recognise the development of empathy, respect and closeness after the initial 'honeymoon' period is over to be love. They then associate this loss with being unwanted and fear the partner is leaving or becoming distant and so looks for another relationship to latch on to in order to get back to that 'honeymoon' period. 

In my mind that makes sense... . putting that into words is tricky... .

How do you post a quote btw?

Zack

[Clearmind]

Creating quote boxes