Crumbs

[Hazelrah]

Does anyone here have any experience with their SO leaving ‘crumbs’ (in regards to possessions) behind following a relationship’s seeming demise?

When my dBPDw chose to move possessions out of our house about a month ago, she was seemingly meticulous in what she took with her or, conversely, chose to leave behind…ignoring gifts I’d given her, leaving behind equitable amounts of presents that had been given to us as a couple…removing all romantic pictures of us, yet carefully redecorating to cover the holes or empty spaces on the shelves as best she could.  It was downright eerie, is what it was.

Yet as I’ve moved through the house since, I’ve found countless possessions of hers that were too obvious to have missed when she pulled her vanishing act.  A number of books, texts and vids on yoga (she became a yoga instructor a while back) in various locations, a bag of vintage clothes in a closet, additional books that obviously belonged to her, which ironically included The Emotionally Absent Mother, a book her former therapist had recommended when her mother had been diagnosed as borderline.   

Perhaps she was in haste or simply missed these items, but is there possibly an ulterior motive in having left behind items of this nature?

[Moonie75]

Trade mark BPD.

She thinks you're still in the game!




Get used to it son!

[Moonie75]

Sorry Hazelrah i shouldn't have been so flippant.

To a person suffering from BPD, leaving things behind = opportunity to reconnect with the excuse of retrieving 'forgotten' belongings. It's second purpose is to remind you of her so you don't forget her (as if!).

You could make more than a couple of attempts to get her to retrieve all of it believe me.

Mine used to get in touch & say she was coming to collect the last of her stuff. It had to be soon too because she really needed something I still had... . Then she wouldn't show.

Fast forward a few weeks & it would repeat. It was VERY draining & became boring & irritating. It only got sorted on last occasion when I said I'd leave it outside if she failed to turn up & anybody could help themselves to her things!

[Hazelrah]

Hey Moonie... . I didn't take your reaction as flippant.  I get what you're saying--there are some Xmas items in our attic she is now asking for, yet she's conveniently omitted the other items in the house that are still lying around.  I even found a few jackets left behind that I know had significant emotional value to her--she couldn't have missed them, as they were in a closet that she otherwise emptied rather efficiently.  Really manipulative behavior, the more I think about it and the more I read of other peoples' experiences.

[Clearmind]

Don't read too much into the left possessions. When you a relationship breaks down the last thing you think about, when your mind is in emotional turmoil is whether you collected everything on the way out.

Borderlines are not manipulative although it may appear that way - to be manipulative is to suggest its calculated and premeditated. Given Borderlines operate on an emotional level - there is no room for pre-meditated actions.

Believe it or not - none of it is actually about you - yet we personalise it all.

[Reg]

Clearmind,

I actually have doubts about this.  My ex was always very punctual on not forgetting things when we did go somewhere.  When she came to my house she always 'accidently' did forget something.  And I do mean always ! And when she heard about it, she would collect it when she was coming back, even when I was going to see her earlier at her place.  It was not important she said, but it was a reason to be certain to come back to my place.

Even during the brief period she lived at my house, when she left because she missed her family to much while I was at work all day, she had forgotten not one item that was hers in any of my cabinets, even if there was only a single item in them.  But she left 'accidently' some clothing in her part of the large wardrobe, which is very hard to look over... .

Even when she had all of her stuff returned after the final breakup she used a bathrobe as an excuse to contact me again, while I knew exactly where it was in her house.  But according to her it wasn't on that location.  But she found it back on a very abnormal location, a cabinet with papers... .

There was way to much of a pattern in her behavior on that matter.  Most curious !

Reg

[gallerykey]

I agree Reg, leaves that door open as such so there is an excuse no matter how small.

I had a good tidy up today and got rid of all the crumbs, dropped them off for his friend to collect and pass on. No need to come back here at all, but just to make sure i changed my lock as he has a key and now hes off meds im taking NO chances

[Reg]

imj72,

It was one of the curious patterns which I recognised very soon.  She was in her work very perfectionistic, didn't forget things, and if we went somewhere she would always check if she had everything with her.

It didn't take me long to figure out that she did this actually as an excuse to be able come back, or to have a reason to come back.  Which she didn't need BTW.

It is almost as if she knew that she might do something stupid in the mean time... .

This had nothing to do with crisis situations (certainly not at my place where she felt good as she always said).

Reg

[gallerykey]

hi reg,

this was a pattern with my ex, whenever he had one of his episodes and took off to mums to escape the crap i was giving him (right) he would take nearly everything but had to leave some things. After a while i knew to look and if anything was here he would be back (yep he was) This last time he did leave things but i think as my boundaries became firmer and i was real hung up on his lies i didnt give, then when my anger set in he turned the tables so i was made out the bad one and obviously finding out about the new girlfriend put real stop to him ever coming back. Any form of cheating is a huge NO NO to me so i clered it all out. Its just easier for me that way, not for all.

He always used to take something of mine with him too though, again so had to come back? Ive asked for it to be left outside my house as he has no need to keep it now as hes moved on, his weapon is no longer required, I would of fallen for it right upto finding out about the other woman so Im soo glad i did.

[Reg]

Curious, you remind me of something else and similar as well.  For one or other reason some of my socks, underpants and even a swimming trunks were 'accidently' taken with her, from my part of the wardrobe where there was none of her stuff.  Hard to explain that !

[Clearmind]

Clearmind,

I actually have doubts about this.  My ex was always very punctual on not forgetting things when we did go somewhere.  When she came to my house she always 'accidently' did forget something.  And I do mean always ! And when she heard about it, she would collect it when she was coming back, even when I was going to see her earlier at her place.  It was not important she said, but it was a reason to be certain to come back to my place.

Even during the brief period she lived at my house, when she left because she missed her family to much while I was at work all day, she had forgotten not one item that was hers in any of my cabinets, even if there was only a single item in them.  But she left 'accidently' some clothing in her part of the large wardrobe, which is very hard to look over... .

Even when she had all of her stuff returned after the final breakup she used a bathrobe as an excuse to contact me again, while I knew exactly where it was in her house.  But according to her it wasn't on that location.  But she found it back on a very abnormal location, a cabinet with papers... .

There was way to much of a pattern in her behavior on that matter.  Most curious !

Reg

Borderlines dysregulate/dissociate/check out emotionally - its no doubt they are forgetful.

[Hazelrah]

It may have been unfair of me to attribute manipulation directly to BPD... . plenty of nons are manipulative as well. 

I will thank my W for leaving one last thing behind--the cat she owned when we first met.  Perhaps she painted him black to a certain degree, too.  He bonded with the cat I brought to the relationship, so I'm glad they don't have to be separated from eachother.

Jeez... . an eventually single man with two cats.  I'll be the new Marc Maron.