Ultimate disrespect/lack of boundaries

[Perfidy]

During the course of my eight year relationship with this very sick individual I experienced something that was quite unusual for me. I didn't really think too much of it at first because she was so tiny. She would get so angry that she would punch me and slap me. It escalated to throwing things at me and that's when I knew. At first it was kind of cute that she had so much passion that she actually got angry enough to want to hit me! I of course pointed out to her the first time that it happened that I don't agree with violence ever and that there are much better ways to communicate. I told her that i wanted to fight for her but not with her. What I SHOULD have done was called the cops and had her removed from my home and placed a restraining order on her. No female had ever punched or slapped me ever up till then. This was a violation of the boundary of respect at the most basic level. I explained to her that this was a lesson most people learn in preschool. Keep your hands to yourself. Don't hit. It isn't nice to hurt other people by hitting them and there can be a penalty for it. Go to your room.

     She repeated this behavior often enough that I could see it was going to get worse. I began giving her consequences for hitting and slapping me. If she did it in public(and she did) I would leave and go home with out her. Let her fend for herself. Find her own ride. Call someone. I didn't care. I do not accept violence even a little. Words had no effect. I wanted her to leave. She had no respect for me and I wanted to break up with her. Clearly she had no boundaries of her own and no respect for mine. Even on the most basic level. This caused me to lose respect for my self and feel shame by staying in a relationship and accepting physical abuse. If I were healthier then and understood more about myself I would have slammed the door shut on that girl then and there and not even looked back.

[Clearmind]

If I were healthier then and understood more about myself I would have slammed the door shut on that girl then and there and not even looked back.

Very true and its natural to get angry at ourselves for staying despite it all…... so

Any ideas why you dismissed this behaviour? Respect is something we also need to show ourselves and by staying despite the abuse is not showing ourselves kindness and compassion and also shows we don’t have limits or boundaries.

Dig deep and see why you were drawn and stayed with this person.

[musicfan42]

Perfidy-it's NOT your fault that your BPD ex was abusive. Please stop blaming yourself. Give yourself some kindness-if this happened to your best friend, what would you tell him? You would probably say "wow, you had a raw deal there but it's great you're out of that situation now and safe. It's time to take care of yourself-to focus on your own needs and learn how to set boundaries so that when you're in a new relationship, it's a healthy one". You wouldn't give him a hard time so don't give yourself a hard time!

There are some threads on domestic violence against men on this website so I would suggest that you read them. I was commenting in the domestic violence thread that many victims of domestic violence feel a sense of shame for staying, for putting up with it etc however there is a cycle of violence. Basically, the person is incredibly charming at the start and that lures the person in. There are women's domestic violence charities who have websites and I would suggest that you have a read over it-just change the pronoun "she" to "he". 

There's also great threads on boundaries and lessons in the workshop thread so please read over them. I've learned so much from the workshop section of this website so I'm sure that you will too

It's good that you're talking about it-talking about your emotions really helps so keep posting whenever you like

[Surnia]

Perfidy

I really like your post. So much honesty and clarity what happened.

I can relate with your shame, realizing that you did not the best for yourself, that your boundaries are weak.

And yes, good to talk about it. 

[babyducks]

hi perfidy,

My r/s also became abusive, over time, and not all that slowly either.  I get why my partner acted the way she did, the bigger question for me was why did I find that tolerable.

I like to say that I brought my own set of gifts to the ~party~ that was my relationship.  There were  right in the beginning that I ignored.   Because the early infatuation was so intense and pleasing.  Who doesn't like to be worshipped.

And some of it was that things degraded over time and like the frog in the boiling water metaphor, I didn't see the whole picture.

The rest of it is that this relationship mirrored a lot of how I grew up.  Now I hate talking about my family and my childhood.  It makes me want to    but this was my childhood all over again.  How could I resist the urge to back up and try that one more time and hope for a different result.   

It felt so normal to be treated like that,  but the big epiphany here is that normal DOES NOT equal good.  Duh. 

that's why I stayed,  and that's why it was so hard for me to walk away.   it was a desperate bid to fix something broken for both of us.

babyducks

[Perfidy]

Well... I think everyone gets into relationships for all of the same reasons. Sex,companionship,the idea of giving love and receiving love. Attraction plays a big part but mainly for our own egos I think. Why I stayed? Every relationship has problems. I don't run at the first sign of trouble. The sex was fantastic. Yes, a shallow reason but powerful. My own desire to love and be loved. Did I mention that the sex was outstanding?

[Clearmind]

Well... I think everyone gets into relationships for all of the same reasons. Sex,companionship,the idea of giving love and receiving love. Attraction plays a big part but mainly for our own egos I think. Why I stayed? Every relationship has problems. I don't run at the first sign of trouble. The sex was fantastic. Yes, a shallow reason but powerful. My own desire to love and be loved. Did I mention that the sex was outstanding?

Borderline relationships are somewhat different - and the break up is all the more confusing and heart breaking. In time you will find your reason. It doesn't lie in the present - in time we dig deeper Perfidy to the core of why we entered an abusive relationship and stayed.

When the Sex is Too Important

[Perfidy]

She used the sex as a tool. She would pacify me with sex whenever there was an issue that I felt we needed to talk about. It was an avoidance maneuver. It was the hook in the first place. I didn't even want a relationship with her in the beginning. It began as casual sex and shortly after I got played with the wounded bird act. Fell for it like a rock. My bad.

[Perfidy]

Four and a half months later. Crying again. Second time today. Every day I cry or feel like it. Sucks. So tired of it.

[Clearmind]

She used the sex as a tool. She would pacify me with sex whenever there was an issue that I felt we needed to talk about. It was an avoidance maneuver. It was the hook in the first place. I didn't even want a relationship with her in the beginning. It began as casual sex and shortly after I got played with the wounded bird act. Fell for it like a rock. My bad.

Ok then boundaries needed to be established.

The great thing about these relationships is that we learn a lot about ourselves - and ask ourselves why we allowed it to happen, why were we boundary-less, why did we permit ourselves to be walked over instead of walking away.

We need to be needed - and attaches ourselves to a sick person is the perfect way to receive the validation we cannot provide ourselves.

Four and a half months later. Crying again. Second time today. Every day I cry or feel like it. Sucks. So tired of it.

We are devastated because these relationships trigger a very deep core wound.

Sometimes for some its our own abandonment trauma, sometimes it's feelings of inadequacy from early childhood (lack of emotional validation as kids), sometimes its being bullied at school - either way we fix, care take to fill a void that we otherwise cannot fulfill ourselves.

I'm sorry you are hurting - it does get better.

[babyducks]

Perfidy,

Hang on.  Just hang on, and put one foot in front of the other.  Some days will be like that.  And it does feel like it will never freaking end.

But it does. I promise.  Every storm eventually runs out of rain, and in the spring the grass grows by itself.

Clearmind spoke truth.  We fix/caretake to receive the validation we aren't good at providing ourselves. Some where in our past we absorbed an awful lot of negative messages.  We coped with them by giving away our good to others. 

I know I have done a lot of things in my life so I could hear the words "babyducks you did a good job".

That became a problem with my EX, because I didn't consistently hear  'you did a good job',  sometimes I heard 'you are a jerk'.

Spun my head right around.  Hurt me to bone.  The tools I used to define my feelings of self worth didn't work with my EX.  Eventually ended up breaking me.   

For me thats is why this breakup hurts so badly,  the bedrock I have been standing on all my life failed me.

It takes time to repair that foundation.  I think I got the beginnings of a new emotional home going up.  Looks kind of like a shack right now but the goal is for a cathedral.

Be kind to yourself.  Treat yourself the way you would treat others.

Babyducks

[Perfidy]

The great thing about these relationships is that we learn a lot about ourselves - and ask ourselves why we allowed it to happen, why were we boundary-less, why did we permit ourselves to be walked over instead of walking away.



I tried to set boundaries. She crashed through every one of them. I tried to get her to leave. She threatened me with having me thrown out of my own home. pacified me with sex. I really did want it to end right away. I was just out of a relationship that I ended. I explained to her that I didn't need a relationship and that I had made the choice to end every other relationship that I had been in except for one. I told her that I had ended the last four relationships. This must have stirred her own fear of abandonment. The way I understand BPD,  abandonment is a huge fear for those affected. She did act desperate to stay with me.

[Clearmind]

I tried to set boundaries. She crashed through every one of them. I tried to get her to leave. She threatened me with having me thrown out of my own home. pacified me with sex. I really did want it to end right away. I was just out of a relationship that I ended. I explained to her that I didn't need a relationship and that I had made the choice to end every other relationship that I had been in except for one. I told her that I had ended the last four relationships. This must have stirred her own fear of abandonment. The way I understand BPD,  abandonment is a huge fear for those affected. She did act desperate to stay with me.

Perfidy, I think you are missing my point. You did all that, helped, set boundaries and you were unhappy and walked over but you stayed... . what was your reason for staying - and this has nothing to do with your ex - its to do with you! YOu are talking a lot about her - I was hoping you would talk about you.

You my friend, has some healing to do - its you that stayed, allowed this person to walk over you and disrespect you - Why?

Can I ask what your parents r/s was like and how you fit into the family dynamic as a child?

[Perfidy]

I tried to set boundaries. She crashed through every one of them. I tried to get her to leave. She threatened me with having me thrown out of my own home. pacified me with sex. I really did want it to end right away. I was just out of a relationship that I ended. I explained to her that I didn't need a relationship and that I had made the choice to end every other relationship that I had been in except for one. I told her that I had ended the last four relationships. This must have stirred her own fear of abandonment. The way I understand BPD,  abandonment is a huge fear for those affected. She did act desperate to stay with me.

Perfidy, I think you are missing my point. You did all that, helped, set boundaries and you were unhappy and walked over but you stayed... . what was your reason for staying - and this has nothing to do with your ex - its to do with you! YOu are talking a lot about her - I was hoping you would talk about you.

You my friend, has some healing to do - its you that stayed, allowed this person to walk over you and disrespect you - Why?

Can I ask what your parents r/s was like and how you fit into the family dynamic as a child?

   My young life was not all that great. No. It's true that I have my own issues. My parents divorced when I was five. They got back together but never remarried. my dad died when i was 16. He was abusive. He drank. Abused my mother. Abused me. I am the youngest of three children. I know I have codependency issues. I take hurt pretty hard. I despise violence. I get very defensive when someone hurts me. Especially physically. I saw how it caused horrible problems in my parents. I don't accept it. I told my ex this when she became abusive with me. I don't even like to play fight. I promised my self I would only love my kids and not repeat my fathers behavior. I was successful. My kids are all very high functioning happy healthy adults now. I took custody when I divorced their mother many years ago. Very proud of my kids. No druggies. No jail birds. No drunks. No f'ed up relationships.  All very good people.

[Clearmind]

Do you see the link between what was shown to you as a child regarding relationship patterns and how that may have affected your own relationship choices?

I'm not suggesting you were a bad parent or bad partner - kudos to you for raising great kids.

What I am suggesting is that we are a product of our upbringing - we learn our relationship skills by watching our parents.

[Perfidy]

I agree. I learned that my parents had a crappy marriage. I tried my level best not to be my father. I wanted my kids to feel nothing but honest to god love from me. We are very close now that they are adults. I do recognize the fact that unacceptable behavior was the norm when I was young. I felt sickened in the toxic r/s with my BPDEX. I KNEW it wasn't healthy. Always thought it would change. It did. It got worse.

[Front runner]

Hi Perfidy,

How are you?

Just reading your posts and am astonished at how similar your situation is to mine.

I too am the youngest of three (two older sisters).  Sociopath drunk abusive father and co dependent mother.  Constantly trying to break up fights sleeping with knives and catapults etc (even a shotgun under my bed at some point).  Then sent away to school aged 8.

As a result from the age of about 12 to 15 I thought I was posessed by the devil. And had a serious eating dissorder aged 20.  I too have a child from a previous with whom Im doing my damdest not to be my father.

Also I had a relationship with a slight woman who I think was a meth head too.  What are the symptons?.  My gf scratched a lot.  Face. body etc quite deeply. She said it was coke but im not so sure.  She didnt have much cash although I paid for everyhing and put her up too. Sex too was incredible. 

Aside from the cheating lying using sex as a tool, the violence kicked in in the last three months. I too found the first punch quite exhilerating.  Almost flattered.  The last and final time was an assault.  Punched so hard of nowhere (blind drunk) Fell to the ground and got a proper shoeing.  Footprints on my chest etc.  Then I treied to get back together with her a week later.  Had to take a large part of the responsiblity for being beaten!

I too find violence completely disgraceful.  Reminds me of my Dad.  In fact I left the mother of my child because she was driving me up the wall so much I felt like hitting her so just got out.

The fights with the ex usually started when I confronted her about all the cheating.  Then shed get her knickers off and everything would be ok again.  What are we on?

Talk about double standards.  One type for ourselves and one for them.

[winston72]

Pefidy writes:

Clearly she had no boundaries of her own and no respect for mine. Even on the most basic level. This caused me to lose respect for my self and feel shame by staying in a relationship and accepting physical abuse. If I were healthier then and understood more about myself I would have slammed the door shut on that girl then and there and not even looked back.

Front Runner writes:

Talk about double standards.  One type for ourselves and one for them.

This is a helpful thread, with the insightful twist of turning the focus to ourselves.  On these boards, people typically note with complaint the double standards and hypocrisy of the BPD in their lives.  it is very important to understand the dynamics of our relationships, but the most direct route to clarity and a better way of living for us is to see the double standards we have for ourselves.  That gives us all the insight and awareness we need.  How does the other person's behavior affect us?  What do we want?  Is this how we want to live?  Regardless of the actions of the other person, what do we want to do about it?  Period.  End of story.  Who are we and what do we want out of life? 

The focus on the disordered person... . actually, whether they are disordered or not doesn't matter... . just the excessive focus on the "other", derived from the lack of connection to ourselves leads to so much heartache and trouble!

And, for whatever curious reasons, it is such a struggle for me to connect to what is really going on within me.  After limpnig through the initial break-up with the help of this site, the ongoing process for me has been getting more connected to me.  And this site has been so helpful in this process.

[Front runner]

A lots got to do with the space we were in when we met our exes.  I was not in a great place.  But certainly in a better place thean where I am now.

Looking back at my relationship history the most 'normal' relationships have taken place when I have been happier, probably been alone for a while 6-8 months and doing stuff I enjoy.

The BPD's I have been involved with have come on the rebound or when I'm depressed. I guess they're the ultimate 'pick me up'.

Maybe all us NONS suffer some kind of depression that can cloud our judgements sometimes?