He wants me to "talk" when he is dysregulated

[connect]

Am struggling with BPD world today – coming on here for a bit of a vent.

Dysregulated bf who has been freaking out on our past week off together with his child. Few ups and downs (including apologies and vows to do better on his side) but we got through it with some good times.  He has another week off with his child next week and a birthday party for him which he is organising. More disregulation predicted.

We agreed on Sat afternoon that I would go home and give him some space to himself and then stay over again last night. This was volunteered by me as he has requested this in the past as a way to keep him levelled out.

Sunday evening I arrive and as the evening progresses its obvious he doesn’t really want my company. By then I was over the limit to drive so was “stuck”. No affection, limited conversation and a kind of “silent” rage emanating from him. I want to discuss this but choose not to as I know it will be the excuse for a real rage so I leave it. Bed early – cold shoulder from him. Seriously like I had done something wrong. What the heck.

On his time without me he had gone to the local pub alone and met loads of people there. He told me needed his “freedom” (trying to rile me) and had enjoyed meeting new people (subtext: GIRLS) without me being there all jealous in the background. I didn’t rise to the bait but of course it wound me up. He spent the following day kite flying with his friends.

I was quiet this morning as I was pretty hacked off with his rude behaviour to me and the cold shoulder in bed. Choosing my battles I was prepared to let it slide until he asked me outright if I was OK. I said “Actually I am pretty upset about last night” This gave him the excuse. He didn’t rage but started on with “ I have been doing a lot of thinking about things recently – you never want to talk - why didn’t you talk last night (because you would have loved an excuse to rage!) I need to sort out my life - I need to be happy – I am coming out of my depression and I am scared you will kick me back down again – I am assessing things - I would like to have a talk with you blah blah blah... . ” This is his typical dissatisfied sub rage chatter.

There was no raging/shouting, he did cuddle me but I left asap before anything could escalate. His main complaint again was why didn’t I talk to him last night.

My question is;

What do you guys do if you have a dysregulated partner who wants to talk about your r/s?

I always advise people on the boards not to talk about the r/s when they are like this. The problem was that I DID want to talk to him knew what would happen if I did.

Really REALLY struggling today. Am feeling duped and angry about changing my whole life, putting myself through months of continuing personal and financial hardship to be with this man. Duped because the bad behaviours come after I have made a massive commitment to him. Duped because he doesn’t act like he wants a girlfriend at all.

Arghh!

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[123Phoebe]

By then I was over the limit to drive so was “stuck”.

Hi Connect, I'm assuming this means that you had a few drinks?  Not a good time to discuss things of a serious nature.  Alcohol can also impair our own judgment.

That is part of owning our own stuff.  And by that, I am not saying that you drank too much or anything of the sort.  It's taking the focus off the pwBPD and their issues, while owning up to what is ours... .

"I don't like to 'talk' or get into serious discussions when I've had a few drinks"

Make sense?

[connect]

Hi Pheobe,

Thanks for the reply. Yes I totally agree - for clarification,  I had 1 and a half drinks but I wont drive if I have had more than one. Thats why I felt a bit stuck. But yes - drink and talk dont mix - mine was more an end of the day wine with dinner. Me being small means I am a lightweight so I keep under the recommended limit for drinking.

[MaybeSo]

as he has requested this in the past as a way to keep him levelled out.

It is not YOUR job to level him out. why volunteer for this?  I don't care what he wants... . why are you not taking care of your own needs?

 

Sunday evening I arrive and as the evening progresses its obvious he doesn’t really want my company. By then I was over the limit to drive so was “stuck”. No affection, limited conversation and a kind of “silent” rage emanating from him. I want to discuss this but choose not to as I know it will be the excuse for a real rage so I leave it. Bed early – cold shoulder from him. Seriously like I had done something wrong. What the heck

Drinking enough that you can't leave a mentally ill person should the environment take a turn for the worse... . is not take care of yourself... .

Am feeling duped and angry about changing my whole life, putting myself through months of continuing personal and financial hardship to be with this man. Duped because the bad behaviours come after I have made a massive commitment to him. Duped because he doesn’t act like he wants a girlfriend at all.

It is your job to take care of yourself. Why do you think you are not taking care of yourself?

[Scout99]

Hi connect!

First off I want to thank you for your many wise thoughts and advice to me recently. And secondly let you know I feel with you where you are right now, especially since I am myself in a similar position, and have initiated a NC period with my BPD guy since friday, also because of serious dysregulation and violation of my boundaries... . Not sure what will come out of that, and maybe it is indeed it... . But that calls for a different thread! Now to your situation!

Don't I soo recognize how good so many of us are at keeping boundaries, disengaging, taking care of our own needs and stuff when it is about someone else's problems with their dysregged partners... . And then find ourselves right in the eye of the storm and step right into the eggshell land or the mess again... . Why? Because it is hard to maintain your composure and all that other stuff, when we stand there just as a "girl asking a boy to love her... . ". And fear of loosing out alltogether sets in... .

Not to mention getting into the feeling you so well describe here of getting stuck like the cat got our tongue and feel prevented to speak... . since that must be the only thing to do once BPD bf starts to throw baits and dysregulate... .

It is so typical that your guy picks up on your silence and uses that as an excuse to question your relationship... . So typical that they are soo perceptive to the least little sliver of attitude from you... .

And immediately plays the I need alone time, I need levelling out time... . and I need to see other girls time... .

Lately as in the last few days I have come to the conclusion about myself that I believe I have often gone about these things in a totally wrong way, even when learning about the tools and such... . Still with the tools my focus has been not to rattle him, not to upset him, as in finding a way to soothe him with my way of communication and choosing when to speak and when not to engage and so on... . But during the few days of silence, (solace in a way an no more holes in my head any way from ___ed up talks), I came to realize it is not at all in the talk, or in what is being said! It is all in my attitude when I say it and do it! I need to feel and be assertive and calm... . (almost like that dog guy on tv Caesar) . And I need to feel that I can say and do whatever the ___ he thinks or he may react or whatever... . It is only when he starts to freak out I need to disengage and calmly say, we can continue talking about this when you have calmed down... . Until then I will do something else... .

That is what r/s can one possibly have if being in it means living with a constant gag order or fear of speaking ones mind? I mean like in your case, not doing so makes him criticize you anyway, for not speaking... .

I think the trouble is really that when we are not stable enough, or as in my case not there often enough they start to feel insecure... . And insecure to them spells fear of abandonment and best solution when fear of abandonment arises for them is to check for possible replacements... . Just to make sure... . Or withdraw to feel depressed for a bit... .

Anyway... . I am not quite there yet with my theories... . But I think an important key is to work on confidence and assertiveness and attitude more than what to say and when... . Would be interesting to try anyway... . Don't know at the moment if I will get the chance though... . My BPD guy is pretty bad at the moment... .  

Best wishes to you... . And I agree with the others, it is time you switched focus at least a little bit now... . But I know how hard it is when all we want at the moment is to "be allowed" to be close to them... . and not pushed away... .

Hugs

scout99

[123Phoebe]

I give you a lot of credit, Connect, for reaching out for support.  It takes courage to open up the way you have  

for clarification,  I had 1 and a half drinks but I wont drive if I have had more than one. Thats why I felt a bit stuck.

Totally understand not wanting to drink and drive.

Drinking enough that you can't leave a mentally ill person should the environment take a turn for the worse... . is not take care of yourself... .  

As MaybeSo has pointed out, if you can't leave a mentally ill person because you're over your limit (or any other number of different reasons), it isn't taking care of yourself.  There are other ways to leave the scene also-- call a cab, call a friend, walk somewhere else etc... .

If you aren't willing to leave, you're not taking care of yourself, period.

It takes two to tango  WE play a HUGE part in our dysfunctional dances.  There has to be a shift in perspective, from focusing on them to focusing on US.  What is our part?  At some point we have to own it.

We can feel duped and crappy and like we are giving up all kinds of things... .  Bottom line, we're choosing to stay in the relationship (for the night, a lifetime or anything in between) even though some our needs aren't being met.  We We We, Us Us Us.  We cannot expect them to change and meet our needs, if we're not honoring ourselves and willing to meet our own needs, ya know?  We cannot expect them to care more about our needs than we care about our own needs.

Complaining, talking about and feeling crappy over his issues will not make his issues go away.

How many times have you had the same argument with your guy?  What has really changed?  Is the focus still mostly on his issues?  Have they gone away?  How and in what ways have you changed throughout this relationship?

Focus on yourself... .  What are your issues?  In what ways are you willing to change?  What can you do to lead a more fulfilling life?

[Scout99]

for clarification,  I had 1 and a half drinks but I wont drive if I have had more than one. Thats why I felt a bit stuck.

Totally understand not wanting to drink and drive.

Drinking enough that you can't leave a mentally ill person should the environment take a turn for the worse... . is not take care of yourself... .  

[/quote]
I am not entirely sure here, but I have a feeling that I have read in some of connects threads before that she doesn't live in the same town as her bf, so leaving might mean having to fly or take a train, or perhaps at least a long drive... . ? And in that light it is easier to understand that leaving might not be that easy... .

[arabella]

I hear you about not wanting (or being able) to leave. That isn't really the issue here though, I don't think. It's more his reaction the next day. I mean, yes, you have to deal with your own feelings - but if you decide that staying is better for you than leaving, then I'm not going to debate your reasons, I'll just say it's your choice and leave you to that. As for dealing with his reaction the day after, I have two thoughts:

1) Why did you tell him you didn't feel good about the previous night? What reaction were you hoping for or expecting? I realize it was the truth, but I also know that you knew you were going to get a negative response - so why did you respond the way you did? It was the truth, and you shouldn't edit for someone else's benefit, but sometimes taking care of ourselves means not putting things out there if we aren't prepared for the feedback. But you know this too. So now I'm curious as to what your motivation was.

2) I think 123Phoebe's first post offers a helpful suggestion (as I'm reading it anyway). If he asks why you didn't talk to him, rather than go off on how he wasn't in a good mood, you could just tell him that you had a bit too much to drink and didn't want to start a conversation when you weren't in a proper head space. You are owning the reasons for not talking to him rather than blaming your silence on him. I think that could help defuse the situation in the future perhaps?

All in all, I think the answer is just that "it's hard". There is no right answer most of the time. We stumble along trying to do the best we can and stay off the rollercoaster ride as much as possible. Wish I had better advice!

[connect]

Thanks Maybeso -

It is not YOUR job to level him out. why volunteer for this?  I don't care what he wants... . why are you not taking care of your own needs?

I try to give him space as we have talked about how he needs it to process things when he is getting overwhelmed - also when we rejoin after some space things are better between us - which in turn makes a happier Connect and a happier Connect meets my needs.

It is your job to take care of yourself. Why do you think you are not taking care of yourself?

I agree I have not been taking care of myself properly. After my vent on here today I set up a job interview for a better job with more pay and also started arrangements for my ex to leave the flat we shared so I can get back in there.

I think that allowing myself to get emotionally drained by all this hasn't helped me at all. No energy left over for my stuff. I think some of my upset today has been caused by realising just how much I haven't been looking after myself and I am angry with myself for this too. I was hanging on to the fact that my b/f's house was my "base" and in denial that it isn't in reality my base. Sorting out my own stuff (the flat specifically) means that I am having to face the fact that the promises he made aren't there anymore ie of us living together. I suppose that it was easier for me to live at friends rather than face the cold hard reality of it... .

I will answer the other posts later as have a job interview to get ready for.

Thanks guys   

[123Phoebe]

After my vent on here today I set up a job interview for a better job with more pay and also started arrangements for my ex to leave the flat we shared so I can get back in there.

I will answer the other posts later as have a job interview to get ready for.

Yay Connect!  Now that's taking care of yourself

[connect]

Hi

Thanks Pheobe - much appreciated as ever

Hey Scout! Good to hear from you - sorry your guy is playing up atm - I meant to ask you how things were going. Maybe you could start a thread? You are so good at helping out other people

I came to realize it is not at all in the talk, or in what is being said! It is all in my attitude when I say it and do it! I need to feel and be assertive and calm... . (almost like that dog guy on tv Caesar) wink. And I need to feel that I can say and do whatever the ___ he thinks or he may react or whatever... . It is only when he starts to freak out I need to disengage and calmly say, we can continue talking about this when you have calmed down... . Until then I will do something else... .

What you said here Scout is spot on. I think I may have been using the tools with my mind being more about him rather then using them for my benefit too.

Arabella   always a pleasure.

1) Why did you tell him you didn't feel good about the previous night? What reaction were you hoping for or expecting? I realize it was the truth, but I also know that you knew you were going to get a negative response - so why did you respond the way you did? It was the truth, and you shouldn't edit for someone else's benefit, but sometimes taking care of ourselves means not putting things out there if we aren't prepared for the feedback. But you know this too. So now I'm curious as to what your motivation was.

Now this is a mystery to me too... . I knew full well what would happen if I raised this at this time. I spent the evening carefully avoiding doing this only to fall at the last hurdle when my hand was on the door handle to leave in the morning. I think my reasons were that he is very perceptive when I say I am ok when I am clearly not. This in itself tends to esculate things to an even higher level of disreglation as then I am "hiding" things in his mind. I think in hindsight that was the main reason why I answered that I was upset about last night. Lesser of two evils. Also it was my truth and it was busting to come out.

You are owning the reasons for not talking to him rather than blaming your silence on him. I think that could help defuse the situation in the future perhaps?

This is so true - more about my reasons and less about him...

So the update is that I had the job interview that went well. I felt tired tonight and decided not to persue my usual Tuesday night visit. I spoke to him on the phone instead. This time this was for him AND for me.

I doubt we will see each other until the end of the week due to plans. I have also made plans for 3 nights this week with my friends. Something I have been reluctant to do before for some kind of co-dependant/fear/eggshells reason.

I think the trigger for this change attitude has been dealing with my flat/job issues and also my ex has found himself a nice g/f which made me feel much more than I expected. Wierdly instead of becoming MORE desperate around my b/f it seems to have done the opposite. I dont understand why that is -. Anyway, it may not last but it feels better to be thinking about myself more today even if some of the reasons why have been a bit emotionally challenging for me.