why are my parents trying to turn everybody against me?

[kharma]

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I've spoken about the abuse I've endured from my parents.

Recently, I had a conversation with my mother about the emotional abuse my father is inflicting upon me. He gives me the silent treatment, is nice to everyone in the household but me. He singles me out. My mother justified this by saying "your father loves you. he just says this is just his way of showing tough love and teaching you a lesson."

What lesson that is Im unsure of. She won't say. Im not sure why I am routinely singled out by my father. He wishes everyone a Happy Birthday but me. He even tries to pit my siblings against me by having my brother call my sister on her birthdays but not me

I'm really worn out. I know he thinks by now I should be further in life. But I am desperately trying. I return to nursing school this fall and hopefully next year I'll be an RN. Im praying I make it through


At this point the damage is beyond repair and there is nothing I can do to salvage my relationship with my father. He is very angry with me and resorts to sabotage my reputation by trashing me to everyone who will listen.

My mother recently has been playing a role in this, she tries to pit my niece against me in arguments that she provokes sometimes. I'm the black sheep of the family... . the scapegoat...

[GeekyGirl]

Hi kharma,

The silent treatment is the worst. That's my mother's favorite form of punishment too. I'm sorry that you're going through this.   

What's happening with your parents sounds like triangulation. Have you heard about the Karpman Triangle?

Has your relationship with your parents affected any other relationships? You mentioned that your parents have tried to pit you against your niece and siblings. How do they treat you?

Hang in there. There are many of us here who know what you're going through.

[Calsun]

Hi Kharma,

Thanks for your share!  You are definitely not alone.  I grew up with an uBPD mother and a father in denial and covering up the degree of her sickness.  My mother labeled me as the black sheep of the family and a sicko.  Now, keep in mind that borderline personalities are not integrated people.  They project part of their story onto their children, and they split, often picking the good child and the bad child on which to project these fragmented parts of their own personality.  Really understanding that dynamic has been very liberating for me and has helped me in the process of becoming an integrated person, myself.

The non-BPD parent is really integral to this whole system.  It's almost like good cop, bad cop.  One looks good and nice, at least that was the case in my family, but they are both unhealthy and both are upholding an unhealthy system at the expense of their children.  It took me longer to come to terms with how my really nice, smart father was betraying me.  Rather than validating my reality about my mother's illness and abuse, he would say, but she loves you, she cooks and cleans for you, etc.  He must have grown up with abuse himself.

Just remember there is a lot of hope. A good therapist who understands  borderline personality could really help, and this site offers a lot of support.  It's been quite a revelation to know that others have experienced almost exactly what always felt to me like my lonely, unique situation.  Because no one in your family might be able to validate your experience does not mean that others outside of your family are not able to do so.

Best,

Calsun

[hoping4hope]

Definitely not alone Kharma... .

You try to explain your parents to people and it is hard to grasp until you've seen it for yourself.  My parents moved away from our home town.  They came back and visited a church we had belonged to.  They were sitting talking to some new people and basically trashing their 5 children.  An old friend of the family over heard them talking about these terrible children... . and felt sorry for such misused parents... .   She was shocked when she turned around and found out it was OUR parents. She confronted my parents!  She was quite a feisty lady! Then she called my sister and told her that she finally understood what we had been talking about.  Those kids my parents described were not the people she knew and had watched grow up.

It is really important to know who you are and what you are capable of in this world.  Even against the opinion of your parents.  (Of course it is also good to be honest about your faults.) Self respect man... .   it could be the most important factor to a happy life.

[Sitara]

I completely understand.  I've heard plenty of excuses for the way I was treated such as, "We were trying to make you an independent woman," or "I'm just trying to help you build thick skin."  My family has a rotational black sheep, depending on who my mom was most mad at at the time.  At this point, it's probably going to stay me though because I decided enough is enough and I deserve to be treated better.  My mom also recruits people to her team.  Currently my sister and my dad are doing everything she says, but the frustrating part is that she's trying to get my husband's grandmother (the only familial relative I've managed to form a healthy relationship with) on her team too.  Fortunately I've talked with her quite a bit about what is going on and she is unwilling to put herself in the middle of the drama.  In my family, I think part of the reason family members are so willing to jump on the bandwagon is because they are just so relieved that they aren't the current target, they feel like maybe this time things will stay good, and now there's someone else to take their frustrations out on.  Understanding the why doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm in the same place as you, realizing that too much damage has been done.  Just focus on what you want and need to be happy and work toward making that happen.  It's not easy, but it's worth working toward.  You can do it.

[kharma]

Hi kharma,

The silent treatment is the worst. That's my mother's favorite form of punishment too. I'm sorry that you're going through this.   

What's happening with your parents sounds like triangulation. Have you heard about the Karpman Triangle?

Has your relationoship with your parents affected any other relationships? You mentioned that your parents have tried to pit you against your niece and siblings. How do they treat you?

Hang in there. There are many of us here who know what you're going through

My niece and nephew are a bit distant from me.

However, my father hides the severe mental and verbal abuse from them. He's evil to me when they are not around. If extended relatives visit, he talks to me and acts like everything is okay


I lived on my own for two years (had to come back because I ran out of student funds). During the Holidays, my mother begged me to come back home for a few weeks, despite the fact that I vehemently refused because I didn't wad ant to deal with my father's mental and verbal abuse. She turned the tables and said that I would be tearing the family apart (and I would hurt my neice and nephew in the process) by not coming back home to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. Reluctant, I agreed and was MISERABLE. My father could not even be cordial considering the circumstances. When she left to run errands, my father called my brother up, and loudly complained about how he couldn't stand me, that I was lazy for just sitting around the house all day, and he couldn't wait for me to leave. I was absolutely hurt. I was also STUCK, and couldn't leave because I had no transportation

If I asked to leave after what had happened, mom/sister or even dad, would have treated me like I was crazy, and that my decision to leave was erratic.