I don' t recall being painted White, ONLY black

[nursemyBPD]

30 years into this marriage w uBPDh , and In reflection I cannot recall husband ever painting me white, or professing his love or adoration for me, ever, like in never? I could be blocking those memories, but honestly all I can recall is just expectations, ridicule, jealously, & silent treatments. Even the periods of time that we were supposedly getting along fine, there was physical affection, but never confessions of love, never complimenting me to anyone, He has complimented ACTIONS on occasion, but they usually had to do with cost saving tasks, or letting others know I was a nurse, & could help them with their medical issues, or questions.         

The only time I can even recall any vow of love, was when our son uncovered what i found to be an emotional affair w/ an employee. He of course blamed me in a round about way for pushing him there, but that is when I finally started to set boundaries with him. Of course he immediately, escalated his objections to the new boundaries, to the point where I told him I was done , & would be planning to separate real soon. For the first time ever, he cried, really, cried, and pleaded that he wanted our family in tack, and not to push him away.

      Shortly thereafter ,despite attempts at discussing, & resolving our communication issues, he still remains a classic BPD, there is no evidence of the continuation of the emotional affair, & due to my maintaining those boundaries, the conflict has decreased significantly than all our 30 years, instead of every few days, they are now 1 a month. But the conflict & chaos, are just replaced, with indifference, silent treatments, and basically us leading parallel lives, with the wifely benefits, because we also run a business together we work together everyday for 2-3 hours, and just go through the motions.

     It's kinda hard for me to admit, but if I get all the blame, criticisms, workload, turmoil etc, why can't I also get the ONE good aspect of the BPD disorder? Where's my adoration, confessions of love etc, & since I am not even getting that why is it so hard for me to just throw in the towel?

       I know I too have abandonment issues, from childhood, as I was LITERALLY ABANDONED as a child, dropped off at age 7yrs to an alcoholic abusive father, for supposedly 2wk, which turned into 6 years. I realize that this has shaped my care taking persona, and always trying to "JUST BE GOOD", to be " SEEN YET NOT HEARD" ( this was a frequently used term growing up.) if I only tried harder' perhaps someone would love me etc.

       I am great full however that my psychological stae was not more severely impacted, I feel I have a firm grip on reality, get along well with other,s never get in trouble, always held down well paying jobs, etc,but I do feel empty & distant & uninvolved , I recognize my aloofness, and standoffish personality, but, I still can display friendly demeanor when needed. I can turn my emotions on & off like a light switch.

      I am finally going to start seeing a therapist, since discovering this possible diagnosis in my husband less than 1 year ago, & enmeshing myself in learning all I can about it. It is my hope that the therapist can help me set better boundaries, and / or help me get in touch with my TRUE motives in wanting & trying to make our marriage still work, rather than walk away.   

        I feel that since finding this missing puzzle piece, ( likly BPDh) it is necessary to do some sincere soul searching, and seek outside input into the whole picture, expectations on my part in aging this knowledge & tools, and the longevity of it all.

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