HARD... heartbroken, but proud of myself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am struggling to keep believing I did the right thing... .

My BPD SO broke up with me about two months ago. He did the same thing to me last year. He started having a lot of stress, then I would witness a few rages and dysregulations, then he would break up with me, "not able to handle us." Through it all I have told him that I love him and am here for him if he needs anything.

We started texting a few weeks back. Just little superficial things here and there. They started getting more emotional and personal over the last week. We had a text talk this weekend and he told me he will never trust anybody because his parents ruined that for him by abandoning him. I told him relationships couldn't survive without trust and that I hope he would learn to trust. He said he wanted to try to learn to trust me.

Then yesterday and this morning the texts turned to missing me and wanting to see me. I decided to let everything off of my chest. I told him that I was afraid of getting back into something where he might just up and leave when the stresses of life happen. I told him I didn't deserve that. I deserve emotional security. I deserve someone who will turn to the one person that loves them unconditionally, rather than push them away. I told him that a relationship isn't something that can just be tossed aside when life happens. He replied that I was right. I do deserve that. He said he can't promise anything because hes failed at it once before. He told me as much as he loves me, he is just going to hurt me.

I told him that I wish he thought more of himself because HE deserves better for his life. That he should not let the effed up things of his past determine his future. Basically, he came back with he does not need fixing. He is just fine. He then told me that he was glad that I decided not to do this again because that will protect me. He ended it with a "Goodbye, Sweetgirl."

I was proud of myself because the old me would have agreed to see him, would have just tried to put a bandaid over the problem. But I could not do that this time. I cannot go through that hurt again. I told him I am still here and hope its not goodbye, but that's all I can do. He has to help himself. I was proud, but now I'm just so sad. I was so excited (yet, nervous) to see him and am dying for one of his hugs. If this was the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong? :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[Newkate]

I am struggling to keep believing I did the right thing... .

My BPD SO broke up with me about two months ago. He did the same thing to me last year. He started having a lot of stress, then I would witness a few rages and dysregulations, then he would break up with me, "not able to handle us." Through it all I have told him that I love him and am here for him if he needs anything.

We started texting a few weeks back. Just little superficial things here and there. They started getting more emotional and personal over the last week. We had a text talk this weekend and he told me he will never trust anybody because his parents ruined that for him by abandoning him. I told him relationships couldn't survive without trust and that I hope he would learn to trust. He said he wanted to try to learn to trust me.

Then yesterday and this morning the texts turned to missing me and wanting to see me. I decided to let everything off of my chest. I told him that I was afraid of getting back into something where he might just up and leave when the stresses of life happen. I told him I didn't deserve that. I deserve emotional security. I deserve someone who will turn to the one person that loves them unconditionally, rather than push them away. I told him that a relationship isn't something that can just be tossed aside when life happens. He replied that I was right. I do deserve that. He said he can't promise anything because hes failed at it once before. He told me as much as he loves me, he is just going to hurt me.

I told him that I wish he thought more of himself because HE deserves better for his life. That he should not let the effed up things of his past determine his future. Basically, he came back with he does not need fixing. He is just fine. He then told me that he was glad that I decided not to do this again because that will protect me. He ended it with a "Goodbye, Sweetgirl."

I was proud of myself because the old me would have agreed to see him, would have just tried to put a bandaid over the problem. But I could not do that this time. I cannot go through that hurt again. I told him I am still here and hope its not goodbye, but that's all I can do. He has to help himself. I was proud, but now I'm just so sad. I was so excited (yet, nervous) to see him and am dying for one of his hugs. If this was the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong? :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[emotionaholic]

Newkate

It is so easy to just get sucked back in.  You showed a great deal of strenth and wisdom.  I am envious. 

It feels wrong because it hurts and you know if you went to him things would be great for a bit, but it would all come back.  I think you set a firm boundry on this one.  It sounds like you are still undecided.  If your SO gets therapy where would you stand?

[SweetCharlotte]

I'm glad the ball came back into your court, newkate. It feels better to know that you were not dumped and that you opted out of more of the same treatment, which he was virtually guaranteeing you.

Why do you feel sad and like you did something wrong? My guess is this is because you were willing to speak/write to him at all. You had a heart-to-heart text-talk, which was gratifying to him because a person who has consistent feelings was willing to share them with someone who hasn't any (him). He succeeded in recycling you, though it was only on an emotional level. I would say that you are feeling the after-effects of that.

If you want, you can see this as a momentary relapse on your part and go back to strict NC. That is the only road to recovery once you have decided you're done with him.

[patientandclear]

Newkate:

I can completely understand why you are feeling so awful.  I had almost an identical exchange with my ex two years ago.  I told him my condition for getting back together, after he'd left contrary to all logic and with no effort to work on issues with me, was that he examine (probably in therapy -- but he already had enlisted a therapist) why he'd junked our r/s with no effort to salvage it when he first felt bad feelings, and how it would not happen again the next time he felt bad.  I told him "it WILL happen again" (bad feelings) & that I could not go through that kind of pain again.

He wasn't up for that.  He didn't think anything was necessarily wrong with him.  Yet he said his therapist agreed he would hurt me again if we started up again.  So we said goodbye, too ... . and though we've been close friends during a portion of the time since, he's never seemed to really consider doing that work to pursue a romantic r/s with me since then.  It's been heartbreaking, as you say.  It's as if his overriding reaction is that he is OK, and that must mean there is something wrong with our r/s.  He's never been able to identify what that might be, but that is the only thing that could explain his bad feelings, right?

They have incredibly strong defense mechanisms that preclude doing the seemingly simple step of looking within to figure out how and why they destroy genuine love relationships.  It's awful.

The problem is there is no good alternative.  If you just go back, it WILL happen again, and that ends up being so destructive and pre-occupying, you cannot get back to a healthy you and a healthy r/s between you.  It becomes really fear- and resentment-based, almost inevitably, it seems.

I did what you did, I thought it was right, I still think it was probably right ... . and yes, it just broke my heart.

[Newkate]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It means the world to me to have a support base who UNDERSTANDS!     

It feels wrong because it hurts and you know if you went to him things would be great for a bit, but it would all come back.  I think you set a firm boundry on this one.  It sounds like you are still undecided.  If your SO gets therapy where would you stand?

That's what I'm beating myself up over. Part of me wishes I could have seen him in person. Part of me wishes I could go back to him and just be strong when he throws our relationship in the garbage. At least their would be that initial romantic stage. I miss that.

My SO is in therapy, at least I think he is. When he broke up with me last year I told him that he needed help, he realized he needed help, and he finally got around to finding a therapist. For a while he was going weekly, then he cut it down to every other week. I thought it was helping. He was able to admit his issues, talk about problems after they happened and how his reactions were uncalled for. He won't admit he has a personality disorder. Now he's telling me, he doesn't need fixing.

If you want, you can see this as a momentary relapse on your part and go back to strict NC. That is the only road to recovery once you have decided you're done with him.

The problem is I was never NC. I was always there telling him if you need anything, I'm here and I love you. Part of me feels like I led him on, but nothing I ever said was untrue. I guess I feel guilty over that. I realize I have to go NC now since he told me goodbye, I said my last few loving things. I still don't know if I'm done with him. I'm just done with the "I can't make you promises." If he can learn to get the help he really needs, I would love to see him. In the meantime, I know this is highly unlikely and must get on with my life.

Newkate:

They have incredibly strong defense mechanisms that preclude doing the seemingly simple step of looking within to figure out how and why they destroy genuine love relationships.  It's awful.

. I feel you. It was just yesterday he was talking about how he didn't feel my unconditional love for him. I told him flat out that there is no reason he shouldn't feel it, here I still am after having my heart crushed, not once but twice. I told him that if he can't feel it, he needs to look inside. He AGREED with me. Then today he said he doesn't need fixing. I told him if after telling me he can't trust anyone and couldn't promise leaving the one person who loves him unconditionally, if he doesn't need to fix that, then that saddens me. I told him HE deserves a life of love and trust, but he can't have that without fixing these things.

I guess giving up and running away is easier.

[patientandclear]

Running away is easier, yes, but another way to look at it that is perhaps more compassionate toward your guy, and mine, and others like them who walk right up to the edge of trying to deal with this, is that it would be incredibly hard.  Definitely harder than any self-examination I've ever had to do.  Imagine confronting the idea that you have to basically remake your self entirely, and learn to re-examine every emotional reaction  you have ... . it sure would be preferable to think that maybe the problem is this relationship, and in another r/s, not all this re-making would be necessary.

It sounds like you've spelled it out about as a clearly as a person can.  So you won't have to agonize wondering what would have happened if you had laid it all out clearly.  Now, it really is up to him.

It's confirming for me to hear you report that your guy said he didn't feel your unconditional love.  I think when they hear that they need to change in any way to continue the r/s, it feels like you don't love them as they are.  I absolutely think that is how my ex experienced my "I need you to figure out why this happened & how it won't happen again."  He knew it would happen again, and to him, it sounded like I was saying I couldn't love him as he is.

Boundaries are very very hard.  Easier when the person you're dealing with is able to respond to them by changing their behavior.  Very hard when the person you're dealing with isn't able to do that, as in my case.  I think it remains to be seen, in yours.

You are being very principled and acting with integrity toward yourself, him and the r/s.  Despite the pain, please remember that there is a worse pain, when you lose yourself and your integrity because you are so attached to another person that you can't stop even though what's going on is destructive.

[Newkate]

It sounds like you've spelled it out about as a clearly as a person can.  So you won't have to agonize wondering what would have happened if you had laid it all out clearly.  Now, it really is up to him.

Despite the pain, please remember that there is a worse pain, when you lose yourself and your integrity because you are so attached to another person that you can't stop even though what's going on is destructive.

Thank you for your reply, Patientandclear. I told him that I could never promise him that I wouldn't ever hurt him, and I wouldn't expect that from him either. We are human. But I told him I can promise I would always do my best to right my wrongs, and I can promise that I would never leave him or give up on our relationship. I told him those are promises I would make to him, and promises I would need to be happy in a relationship.

He wrote me again last night (after saying goodbye). He said, "I don't know what to say. I didn't really want to talk via text, but we're doing it anyway. I really put my all in. I wish this were different. I don't know what was wrong, but I'm not going to where I was ever again (he said this last year when this happened, btw). I've never been so depressed. There's no purpose for that. Who wants to be unhappy."

I ended things this way... . "If you ever realize that I am worthy enough for you to promise to not run away from our love, I would love to see you in person." I also told him that no matter if we aren't able to be what we were trying to be, for him to know that I will always love him.

Ughhhhh, its just so hard. I want him to reply, but I don't. I know this is a lot less than the pain of putting a bandaid over things and then getting hurt again, but its still really.really.hard.

[eyvindr]

Hi Kate,

I feel ya, girl. Your pain and sorrow comes through loud and clear in your posts.

I recognized your name -- turns out we both joined the site within a few days of each other last year. Found an old reply to one of your threads... .

Not sure how to respond, really -- so much of what you describe feeling is just so uncannily familiar. It's like we and/or our SO's wBPD share some kind of r-ship timeline. Weird.

What is very clear from what you've shared is that you are a deeply compassionate and giving person. I believe that you've tried to be the best partner you could be to your love. It's not your fault that it didn't work, Kate. We seem to share the opinion that, despite their faults, despite all the crazy-making behaviors, the turbulence, etc. -- that our SO's did truly love us, albeit in a highly dysfunctional and erratic manner. It wasn't an illusion -- it was just ephemeral. We admit that we aren't perfect -- just as flawed as any other human. Takes two to tango.

But, if there's an illusion, it sadly may be that we keep thinking there's some way that we could have just the "good/happy/kind/loving" side of our partners. As has been discussed over and over on these boards -- in pwBPD, the illness comes with the person. There is no separating the two -- you want the person, you also get the illness. It ABSOLUTELY sucks, big-time -- because we remember so clearly how happy we were with these people when we were happy.

I'm coming to accept that, you know what? As much as I would give almost anything to make that dream come true with my ex, it's much more likely to come true with a person who doesn't have BPD than it ever would be with someone who has BPD. I've heard that there are LOTS of people on the planet who don't suffer with this horrible, destructive disease. Maybe we should be trying to find them.

In a separate thread, you asked how long I've been out of my r-ship. First break-up was about a year ago -- we were apart for about 2 mos, then reconciled. Second chapter has been better in some ways, worse in others. Just split up again 3 weeks ago. I'm only where I am today because of the work I did a year ago -- going into this break-up, I have a lot more knowledge than I did a year ago, thanks largely to this site and the members. I'm still shell-shocked, but I'm much more familiar with what this kind of break-up looks like. Last year, I was completely and utterly stunned.

Happy to talk more if you want to. Hang in there. Good to see you again -- sorry it's back here. *hug*

[blurry]

You kinda just described all of my makeup cycles with my uBPDw, its like a passive/ agressive type thing she does, and she always switches back to the old behavior within a week or two. Its like she has no empathy or remorse for what she did leading up to the previous breakup or for what she did during it (usually nonstop raging at first, then sleeping with someone else). I get told to " get over it" or " go f yourself" if I bring up the past as an explanation of why something minor she did might seem bigger in my eyes at the time.

I promise you, without some serious change, he might mean those promises now " ill never leave you again" " ill always put you first" ect, but it'll be right back to the insanity sooner or later.

[Inside]

eyvindr, you said:

“As much as I would give almost anything to make that dream come true with my ex, it's much more likely to come true with a person who doesn't have BPD than it ever would be with someone who has BPD. I've heard that there are LOTS of people on the planet who don't suffer with this horrible, destructive disease. Maybe we should be trying to find them.”

Quote of the Day!  Brilliant … if unapparent to the bulk of our community

Newkate, patientand… you gals are good ~

[PhoenixRising15]

Running away is easier, yes, but another way to look at it that is perhaps more compassionate toward your guy, and mine, and others like them who walk right up to the edge of trying to deal with this, is that it would be incredibly hard.  Definitely harder than any self-examination I've ever had to do.  Imagine confronting the idea that you have to basically remake your self entirely, and learn to re-examine every emotional reaction  you have ... . it sure would be preferable to think that maybe the problem is this relationship, and in another r/s, not all this re-making would be necessary.

Is it common for them to say they are going to confront and examine themselves and then not?

My ex seemed to have a "breakthrough" where she said she realized how much her past was tormenting her and she needed time to sort through it. She asked for a few months, and I granted her that space.

I'm not sure if I'm being recycled, or kept on a shelf, but she seems to have a genuine desire to examine herself and her reactions... .

[eyvindr]

My ex seemed to have a "breakthrough" where she said she realized how much her past was tormenting her and she needed time to sort through it. She asked for a few months, and I granted her that space.

I'm not sure if I'm being recycled, or kept on a shelf, but she seems to have a genuine desire to examine herself and her reactions... .

Maybe, maybe not. If she really does it -- good on her. There's no way for anyone to determine what's going on in her mind.

What will you be doing separately from her to bring you closer to living the life that you want to be living?

[PhoenixRising15]

Honestly, I'm in bi-weekly therapy.  I'm starting to exercise and meditate again.  I'm trying to eat more and healthier (lost 40 lbs in this r/s... . i'd say at least half due to stress).

And reading and posting on here.

This board has been my lifeline in the past few weeks.

When it was down for a few hours the other day, I just kept hitting refresh and panicking... ... . wait... . thats not funny... .

[eyvindr]

QF --

Those are great things to do. Good for you! Keep it up.

You sound like you're on the path to recovery. Still a ways to go, still some bumpy days ahead, probably -- but you're doing what you need to do to get back on your feet, and back to living in the present in your life -- not as a character in someone else's life drama.

Hang in there!