How quickly they move on... Should I believe it?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been about 3-4 months now since I outlined my situation with my ex... . Been no contact for a little over 100 days now, but I still let curiosity get the best of me. I found out that her new boyfriend bought her an engagement ring 4 months into their relationship, and she said yes... . also they're getting married sometime next year and her parents allowed him to move in to her room in their house. All of this in less than 6 months... . It's just mind-blowing to me, really. Is it typical behavior for people in general to move on so fast with someone else so fast and so hard after having breaking up?

[dogpirate]

It's been about 3-4 months now since I outlined my situation with my ex... . Been no contact for a little over 100 days now, but I still let curiosity get the best of me. I found out that her new boyfriend bought her an engagement ring 4 months into their relationship, and she said yes... . also they're getting married sometime next year and her parents allowed him to move in to her room in their house. All of this in less than 6 months... . It's just mind-blowing to me, really. Is it typical behavior for people in general to move on so fast with someone else so fast and so hard after having breaking up?

[Bananas]

  dogpirate,

I know how you feel!

I think a lot of us are on the same boat.  My ex and I broke up in March, he moved in with another woman in April, got engaged in May and was married in June.  Who does that?  Although I don't wish him anything bad, when I look at it objectively it looks like a train wreck in the making.

[expos]

Hey dogpirate,

Yes.  The move on fast.  All BPD's do.  Don't take it personal at all, even though it's very hard not to.  This all on them and their void/emptiness. 

Let me ask you a question.  How quickly did she attach to you?  Was it fast like her new guy?  If it was just as fast, it will end just as quickly as yours did. 

4 months and an engagement ring?  Get the popcorn ready... . this outta be a heck of an ending.

There is nothing special about her new guy... . other than he is "new" and she willing to overlook all of his faults.  It's exciting to her, but these feelings cannot be sustained, and when the excitement dies, so does that relationship.  Be glad it's not you on the receiving end of this hell she's going to put him through.   

[danley]

Like said before, it could be a case where they started moving on before the breakup. I can't speak for anybody else but I believe my ex had a lot of expectations to live up to relationship wise from his family and friends. All these expectations are of course imaginary but very real in his head. I could be the perfect mate but if it doesn't line up with what he thinks everyone wants than It's not good in his mind. His fear of rejection from family and friends is what steers his every move in life. Whether It's what will make him happy doesn't matter because he cannot bear the thought of someone judging him. A dramatic scenario fantasized in his head that torments him every second. Sucks to be him... .

[Saffron2]

I think this is quite common.  My husband started moving on while we were still together!

There is nothing special about her new guy... . other than he is "new" and she willing to overlook all of his faults.  It's exciting to her, but these feelings cannot be sustained, and when the excitement dies, so does that relationship.  Be glad it's not you on the receiving end of this hell she's going to put him through.   

Couldn't have said it better.  Grab some popcorn and a cold one - this will become very interesting soon. 

[charred]

Yep... its normal for them and painful to you. Was horrible for me the first few times... and less so as it happened again and again... . the last time... swear to god... I wanted to warn the guy and I felt sorry for him... . didn't have the same sting once I really started understanding and accepting her for what she is, not what I wanted her to be and tried to make her be.

The last new great guy she went for... . she had pics on FB, was so happy... and nasty comments about me, then the good news stopped, then all his pics were removed and she contacted me wanting moral support as she needed a procedure... . once the BS stopped... . found out he gave her an STD and dumped her, said she was forgettable and nuts.

YMMV... . but if she is BPD... . the guy that marries her quickly... . will be in for a whole new kind of hell.

My exBPDgf... . in the 30 yrs since we first dated... . lost count of boyfriends, was married and divorced twice, was engaged 7 times... . had two STD's I know of, and an abortion... . that I know of. (none of that was me for any of those.) Oh, did I mention she told me she wanted to be a nun?  And everything was my fault... and so on. They are unstable, and have or will have a history of unstable relationships. I would have argued with anyone till I was blue in the face back when we split first time that she was the one, and that I should be with her... . and was damned because I wasnt... . but I was wrong. The damage was bad... . but I was lucky... the guys that married her had it worse, and the guy that is the father to her son... . still is in hell. Seeing her deal with ex makes me so glad I am not the hubby or ex... . its taken a long long time to see it, but pining for a toxic r/s is not something you should do much of... . work on yourself, accept that she is like she is and find someone that is not disordered... . life gets much better when you do.

[Clearmind]

Yes because just like you experienced – these two are idealizing and mirroring one another. Life is great right now.

My friend, my guess is you moved pretty quickly with your partner too. Its no different.

[Octoberfest]

Yep... its normal for them and painful to you. Was horrible for me the first few times... and less so as it happened again and again... . the last time... swear to god... I wanted to warn the guy and I felt sorry for him... . didn't have the same sting once I really started understanding and accepting her for what she is, not what I wanted her to be and tried to make her be.

The last new great guy she went for... . she had pics on FB, was so happy... and nasty comments about me, then the good news stopped, then all his pics were removed and she contacted me wanting moral support as she needed a procedure... . once the BS stopped... . found out he gave her an STD and dumped her, said she was forgettable and nuts.

YMMV... . but if she is BPD... . the guy that marries her quickly... . will be in for a whole new kind of hell.

My exBPDgf... . in the 30 yrs since we first dated... . lost count of boyfriends, was married and divorced twice, was engaged 7 times... . had two STD's I know of, and an abortion... . that I know of. (none of that was me for any of those.) Oh, did I mention she told me she wanted to be a nun?  And everything was my fault... and so on. They are unstable, and have or will have a history of unstable relationships. I would have argued with anyone till I was blue in the face back when we split first time that she was the one, and that I should be with her... . and was damned because I wasnt... . but I was wrong. The damage was bad... . but I was lucky... the guys that married her had it worse, and the guy that is the father to her son... . still is in hell. Seeing her deal with ex makes me so glad I am not the hubby or ex... . its taken a long long time to see it, but pining for a toxic r/s is not something you should do much of... . work on yourself, accept that she is like she is and find someone that is not disordered... . life gets much better when you do.

:'(

I'm not sure why, but reading that made me incredibly sad.  I think it is just the hopelessness of their situations; that they are plagued to continue having these broken relationships and to be the creators of their own misery.

May we be ever so grateful.

[Hurtbad]

Dogpirate,

Yes, indeed, that is the pattern.  Here is the thumbnail of my story: Three days after she asked to take a break, and before I even moved out, she flew to to another city to sleep with a man she met on Facebook.  We were together three, plus years.  Now, three months and a week later, she is preparing to move out west and live with him.  My previous posts outline my total devastation. Other than an illness many years ago, nothing like this had ever happened to me, nor had any other of life's bumps hurt me so much.  Thanks mostly to this site and a good t, I am doing better, and you will too.  A big part of it is realizing that this is a common thing with BPDs.  Who knew.

Anyway, hang in there and know there are many stories like mine.

HB

[paperlung]

Dogpirate,

Yes, indeed, that is the pattern.  Here is the thumbnail of my story: Three days after she asked to take a break, and before I even moved out, she flew to to another city to sleep with a man she met on Facebook.  We were together three, plus years.  Now, three months and a week later, she is preparing to move out west and live with him.  My previous posts outline my total devastation. Other than an illness many years ago, nothing like this had ever happened to me, nor had any other of life's bumps hurt me so much.  Thanks mostly to this site and a good t, I am doing better, and you will too.  A big part of it is realizing that this is a common thing with BPDs.  Who knew.

Anyway, hang in there and know there are many stories like mine.

HB

Sounds like my ex, haha.

[Tordesillas]

They move on fast but you have to take that out of the context of normal healthy human behaviour.  They don't really actually "move on".  They compartmentalize.  Their feelings are like computer programs that they close and open based on their emotional needs.  They might go through the behaviours of someone who has "moved on" (new relationships... moving in... getting married) , but that doesn't mean they've actually gone through everything we mean when we think of the healthy human process of "moving on".   

[charred]

Yep... its normal for them and painful to you. Was horrible for me the first few times... and less so as it happened again and again... . the last time... swear to god... I wanted to warn the guy and I felt sorry for him... . didn't have the same sting once I really started understanding and accepting her for what she is, not what I wanted her to be and tried to make her be.

The last new great guy she went for... . she had pics on FB, was so happy... and nasty comments about me, then the good news stopped, then all his pics were removed and she contacted me wanting moral support as she needed a procedure... . once the BS stopped... . found out he gave her an STD and dumped her, said she was forgettable and nuts.

YMMV... . but if she is BPD... . the guy that marries her quickly... . will be in for a whole new kind of hell.

My exBPDgf... . in the 30 yrs since we first dated... . lost count of boyfriends, was married and divorced twice, was engaged 7 times... . had two STD's I know of, and an abortion... . that I know of. (none of that was me for any of those.) Oh, did I mention she told me she wanted to be a nun?  And everything was my fault... and so on. They are unstable, and have or will have a history of unstable relationships. I would have argued with anyone till I was blue in the face back when we split first time that she was the one, and that I should be with her... . and was damned because I wasnt... . but I was wrong. The damage was bad... . but I was lucky... the guys that married her had it worse, and the guy that is the father to her son... . still is in hell. Seeing her deal with ex makes me so glad I am not the hubby or ex... . its taken a long long time to see it, but pining for a toxic r/s is not something you should do much of... . work on yourself, accept that she is like she is and find someone that is not disordered... . life gets much better when you do.

:'(

I'm not sure why, but reading that made me incredibly sad.  I think it is just the hopelessness of their situations; that they are plagued to continue having these broken relationships and to be the creators of their own misery.

May we be ever so grateful.

I feel a loss of hope these days. Spent many years thinking I had a true love and had missed out due to my issues, and then I tossed 22 yrs of marriage aside for a second chance with my dream girl... . and found out life with her was a nightmare. The intense emotions both made me feel like I was alive... . and in hell. It was confusing, no matter what I did, it didn't make her happy. We had a 7 hr argument... . and things turned after that, as even I, smitten at times, knew deep down that I wasn't going to spend my life with someone that wanted to argue for nearly an entire workday. The small amount of rationality I had demanded that I check facts and hold her to being rational... . and that brought the end of the r/s about rather quickly. The r/s for my psyche was like picking up a board and finding out it wasn't solid, but had rot, bugs, and structural issues I wasn't aware of.

I am still not thrilled to learn the truth, but it wasn't something you could build on either. Been seeing my exwife, and she is normal... . but the hole the pwBPD filled briefly... . lets me know I didn't escape childhood unscathed... as I used to think, far from it.

[bpdspell]

Dog Pirate,

People with BPD don't move on; they repress. They have tons and tons of shame filled and painful memories and lots of emotional baggage incurred from childhood and intimate relationships. Because of their stunted emotional growth they lack the skills to mourn and grieve pain and loss... . which only adds on to the emotionally painful heap that is their closet full of skeletons.

So translation: When I was with my ex... . it was all gravy in the beginning... . then the ornery grumpy ___ testing side started to reveal itself in giant red flags that I ignored... . unbeknownst to me was the chaos he accumulated in all of his personal relationships... . the drama, the cheating, the lies, the abuse, how he abused others and how he himself was abused as a child. They don't have the tools to make peace with their past so they carry the toxic sludge into each brand new situation.

The signs were all there: he blamed all of his exes, took zero accountability, and just wanted to find the "right" one. I fell for his twisted versions of his story until it became quite apparent that he was the common denominator of his car pile up of ex's.

Dog Pirate. Being with new supply is not moving on. It's hitting the restart button in idealization hoping that the next person can relieve them of their unstable sense of self and fill up their bottomless pit of need and vast emptiness. But we all know that this is short-lived. The shame of who they are and what they've done never goes away and their pretzel logic and fear of abandonment and engulfment will rear it's ugly head once intimacy and vulnerability is required of them. It's a never ending cycle of hopelessness and never the happy ending they seek. Being married or engaged does not remove who they are at their core. Being married is not the fantasy that will change their lives of internal misery into bliss.

I personally believe that what they do to others truly haunts them.

The only thing you need to believe is that your ex is mentally ill and is doomed to rinse, wash and repeat the toxic cycle of her BPD.

Spell

[Perfidy]

Reading this thread raised awareness in me of my own issues and my own behavior. I am guilty of moving on quickly as well. In the last twenty years I divorced my wife after a fifteen year relationship that we began as teenagers. The split was mutual eventually bur i didn't give myself time to heal and regroup. I was with a really nice girl within a couple months after my wife and I separated. I was still reeling from my marriage ending. The next relationship lasted about four months. I ended it because she started getting neurotic on me and had a lot of anxiety. She got pregnant and we went through an abortion together. It ended and we never saw one another again. I really liked her too. After that relationship I talked with an old wise friend and took his advice. Stay out of relationships for a year. I made it ten months. Began another relationship that lasted almost two years. Started another relationship while I was in the relationship because I knew I was going to end the one I was in. She had control issues. She also gave me an std. I was way turned off. So the next relationship began and it lasted almost two years. I moved out and got my own apartment. Dated a few girls and had a few f*** buddies. Ended up moving back in with the girl I had previously left after being on my own for a year and a half. It lasted three months and I ended it again. Bought my own house and shortly afterward began the relationship with my BPDEX. So I clearly moved on quick myself. After my marriage failed I didn't stick around to live through the hell again with these other women. I ended it and moved on fast. I made clean breaks when I could and recycled with only one of them. I left before it got to the toxic crazy stage with all of them except for little miss personality disorder. She ran through my life and just tore it apart. That was the weirdest thing ever and still am reeling from it. Holy cow.

 So I see patterns of instability in relationships within my self. I always wanted to find "the one". Never was a player and always wanted to be in a long term healthy relationship. To share my life. To love and be loved. All of the reasons people have relationships. I am the common thread in all of my failed relationships. I am a good person. Not addicted to drugs. Not a big drunk. I have an excellent income and a lot to be thankful for. I have great relationships with my family,coworkers and friends. I do see and feel my own codependency.

I did not move into another relationship since the split with "HER". It's been four and a half months for me. She started another relationship while I thought we were still together. Like six months. She is practically married to the new guy. She moved way fast.

[Sharkey167]

Wow everyone has the same experience. My ex and her fiancee spent 3 weeks together before her bf talked to her parents about marrying her and gave it another 4 weeks for good measure before he proposed to her  

My guess is he is a little broken as well. All in all, 7 weeks seems reasonable to determine if you wanna spend forever with someone right?

[charred]

I started out a football player, jock, player... dated a lot, had my own successful company in college... but grew up in a family with some issues. Met my pwBPD... fell hard, got dumped, thankfully graduated despite being among walking wounded... . and moved as far from her as I could. I met another gal, didn't have the electricity... we married, had a kid and then 27 yrs after breakup with pwBPD she came back in my life and turned it upside down again. Felt like a second chance at getting it right... and it was the opposite. Invested myself in really making the r/s with the pwBPD work... . and rode it through the repeated crashes till I had to give up after about 7-8 recycles. After all that... my self esteem is all but gone, have no idea what I want anymore, no real goals or dreams that motivate me. I can't believe I was ever a player or jock... . seems like a different person, a different life.

So... at 50 trying to start over again... would say "make sense of it all"... . but I understand it now... but that hasn't helped all that much.

If BPD can be caused by a few childhood incidents... . the WMD like effects of it over time are truly amazing... . my life and many other guy's... . have been badly effected by pwBPD. I usually can look at a situation and figure out what should be done... its what I do for a living really... . but for this... don't see any big fix, just lots of band aids.

[VeryFree]

I personally believe that what they do to others truly haunts them.

The only thing you need to believe is that your ex is mentally ill and is doomed to rinse, wash and repeat the toxic cycle of her BPD.

This would mean that after each break-up their life would become more miserable than before?

This would even mean that her bizarre behaviour during our pending divorce is going to haunt her later?

Is this true?

If so: why does she do it? It would be a road to total disaster for both of us.

[bpdspell]

I personally believe that what they do to others truly haunts them.

The only thing you need to believe is that your ex is mentally ill and is doomed to rinse, wash and repeat the toxic cycle of her BPD.

This would mean that after each break-up their life would become more miserable than before?

This would even mean that her bizarre behaviour during our pending divorce is going to haunt her later?

Is this true?

If so: why does she do it? It would be a road to total disaster for both of us.

This would mean that after each break-up their life would become more miserable than before?

Yes. They don't become happier or emotionally escape the damage they accrue. They're also never at peace. They have a lifetime of toxicity that lives inside them that didn't begin with us.

This would even mean that her bizarre behaviour during our pending divorce is going to haunt her later?

Is this true?

Her entire life haunts her that's including her bizarre behavior during your divorce. No one... . including me can read their minds... . but their behavior and how they treat others is indicative to the amount of emotional pain they live in daily. And yes. Their pain is haunting. Repressed trauma is painful. Shame is painful. Pretzel logic is painful. Being intensely fearful of intimacy is painful. Not trusting is painful. Not being understood is painful. Being mentally ill is painful. Hurting others is painful. It isn't fun or sport for them. But once their disorder is triggered they are liable to hurt those closest in the process.

If so: why does she do it? It would be a road to total disaster for both of us.

Many of us feel that them being mentally is a bogus. And I understand this feeling. I once felt the same way.

But mental illness is as real as my hands.

I know our ex's may look normal and attractive on the outside but on the inside they have a very damaging history that has nothing to do with us. Never mind their looks; focus on your ex's history.  My ex was raised, neglected, and abandoned by two drug addicted parents. When they were out getting high and drunk my ex was left to defend himself from exploitative wolves as a child. My ex was also sexually abused by a baby sister. My ex would cry and cry as a baby as his mother laid across her bed passed out from being drunk... . my ex suffered deeply and carries that suffering with him to this day... . my ex uses drugs to escape his painful feelings of shame... . abandonment... . sorrow... . hurt... . brokenness... .

The why is that they're mentally ill. She's soul sick in the head and heart. Her sickness lived inside of her before she married you and will continue to live inside of her after your divorce. Your relationship did not cause her sickness. She was sick before she met you. We make their behavior personal when it's not. They have lived toxic and disordered their entire lives. When we step onto the scene we are pulled in because of our own need to be loved, validated and accepted.


Spell

[Hurtbad]

BPD Spell

Well said.  It is a good thing that you added this balance.  Out BPD exes hurt us badly, but they are not just evil human beings to be painted all black without context.

HB

[NiceGuy83]

My ex moved straight out of my place, and straight in with the new guy.

The real reason was that I had stopped pampering her, and allowing her to call the shots, and I was setting boundaries.  Not that she will ever recognise that.  I hear things about what she's up to now and then... . it's complete chaos.  She got fired, lost her license through repeated speeding offences, but has new guy waiting on her hand and foot, while bleeding him of money.

I really do not envy him.  Count yourself lucky, pal; I do!

[VeryFree]

Thanks for that post Spell.

After participating on these boards for months now, I should have known this (and I know), but sometimes it's good to read it again and have it explained in clear words.

It's a nasty illness.

[Trick1004]

Believe it? Ya, I believe it the extent that they are back at square one with the pattern they are continually trapped in. Took my ex all of three weeks after leaving me for her to sleep with someone else and despite her continual denials I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was cheating on me throughout my r/s with her.

She might appear to be happily moving on while I'm still stuck with the pain of processing the end of the r/s but I know in the long run, given enough time, I am capable of dealing with the breakup and emotionally healing. For her though, over the long term, I know she will continue to be miserable as her BPD pattern repeats itself over and over again like it did before I met her.

[dogpirate]

Just looked this thread for the first time after posting it and I am very grateful to be able to read all of the insightful replies posted by members.

I can definitely see from the perspective that they compartmentalize their thoughts and emotions in an attempt to move on, and they have a dysfunctional need to idealize someone as a figure they can use to fill the voids in their own self-image.

What I can gather from it is, whatever they do will feel 'right' as long as they think it will keep from them from feeling 'wrong'.

[push pull]

He's a desperate sucker who's no doubt been snared by the intense sex during their honeymoon period, now she's slowly started to turn the sex tap off in order to get him to do as she says. What normal guy would propose after 4 months? A guy in fear of loss, that's who. And why is he fearing losing her? Because her snide manipulation tactics have begun to get under his skin.

Make no mistake about it, she's the same person she ever was, it's just that she's hiding it so well.

[dogpirate]

The hardest thing for me has been the fact that she has a publicly maintained social web presence. So I can see what is going on in her life with ease, and it's very hard for me to not look at it occasionally. It's something I've struggled with from the beginning. Even now, she still posts things about me. And it hurts because usually they are very spiteful and/or negative. The latest has been slander directed toward some anon poster whom she latched on to as being me (one thing I have maintained is no direct communication).

Anonymous: that's good to hear... . who is 'that dude'?

someone I used to be involved with but I’m not anymore and I kinda wish they would just let me be or leave me alone but they always seem to wind up in my business again... also someone I have very negative feelings for because they wasted my time, money, and a good portion of my life... they ruined my self esteem and self worth and tons of other things... they’re the reason I disabled anon a while back...

if you think you’re that dude, then you probably are...


Anonymous: how'd they ruin all that?

all they ever did was lie to me, take from me and never give anything in return, emotionally abuse me, take advantage of me sexually, nearly kill me, cheat on me, abandon me for an extended period of time, and a bunch of other stuff...

but I’m sure you already knew all of that...


Anonymous: that sounds terrible... . did they ever apologize?

I can’t recall because it was a while ago... probably, but their word means nothing to me... I honestly don’t care either way, because there are some things that can’t be made up for with ‘sorry’...


Anonymous: what's the worst thing?

my entire relationship with them...

please, tell me why you’re so interested in hearing these things...


Anonymous: empathy

hah... look, I know who you are (and I have known) and there’s really not a reason for you to be bothering me anymore, because I thought I made that clear... kindly f**k off...

The thing that hurts the most is the blatant slander and the lying. I treated her better than I treat myself... . It just blows my mind that she feels I am the reason she is depressed and has low self-esteem, when I first met her she was suicidal and I brought her back from the brink and helped rekindle her passion for photography and art. It just hurts to see someone you put so much effort and compassion into throw you to the curb like a bad disease.

[VeryFree]

Do you feel emotionally beaten up when a musquito sucks your blood? No, you don't.

Why care about the things a mentally disturbed person says about you? It's what they do.

[So hurt]

Thank you to all for your posts. I don't feel so alone.

I caught my soon to be ex husband cheating on me in Febraury on a business trip. He never came back to the house because he refused to be accountable for his actions. Then he refused to speak to me or have any contact. I was completely devasted. Lost 25 lbs and shook constantly from the trauma of it. The anxiety was killing me.

I got myself into therapy and tried to reason with him about marriage. He refused to respond to me for 3 months an when he did he was extremely nasty to me. There was no remorse from him about cheating only anger that he got caught and now everyone knows he is not such a nice guy.

Hi boss protects him because he makes lots of money off of his backside and my ex hates his boss. He went form being a loving, commited husband to a sex addict sociaopath.

He led me on to believe he was living in a room all by himself a only going to work and being lonely. Turns out he moved in with a different woman in March and has spent thousands of dollars on him meanwhile I am his wife, he abanded us, left us strapped financially and emotionally devasted.

The courts and his lawyer is his new weapon to hurt me and drag me through the dirt. I will be in court with him soon for the divorce and will need help and strategies to deal with him as he will portray me as the crazy one.

I guess the do the dance from the coals to the fire and back and forth.

emotionally healthy people would get sick of there feet being burnt but not BPD's. I have had enough and want out!

[Aussie0zborn]

As is typical they usually have the next one already lined up or in mind. Mine had a guy move in the day after I left - my bed was still warm, so to speak, when he moved in.

From what I've read here and other reputable websites, they need to fill the void and feel "loved". Their twisted interpretation of love however is what brought us here. "Prove that you love me" actually means, "let me see how much ___ you are going to put up with".