Was I cheated on? Does it even matter?

[Mehhh]

I have been dating my BPD girlfriend for roughly 9 months.  For the first 5 or 6 months we were unaware that she had BPD until a trip to the psych ward for being suicidal came back with the diagnosis.  I must say, the diagnosis for BPD fits her to a tee.  To no surprise, our relationship has been a roller coaster for nearly the entire duration.  For the first several months I was so confused.  Confused whether my actions were wrong, her actions were wrong, or simply why things were just so difficult between us all the time.    It has taken me most of the 9 months to fully acknowledge and admit that our relationship has been so unhealthy.  I have not been able to muster up the courage to rid myself of the relationship for tons of reasons.  At the end of the day, I find myself having nothing but love  and compassion for this girl. 

Like everybody in this world, I have my own problems.  When it comes to this relationship, I have always had problems controlling my temper or threatening to break up if things weren't going how I wanted them to.  Neither of these things are conducive to a healthy relationship, especially when your partner has BPD.  To this day, I am continuing to work towards fixing these bad habits. I am bringing this point up because of its relevance to my story.

One thing that may set my girlfriend apart from other BPDs (I may be wrong) is that she is well aware of what she is doing wrong and what she needs to be fixing.  She has a good understanding of her symptoms, what they mean, and how they effect those around her.  Of course, she still struggles tremendously trying to prevent these things from happening. I have come to accept this side of her and have stood up for her countless times when people tell me to get out of the relationship for my own benefit.  It is not until recently that she may have done something that I can't accept.  Something that I may not be able to move on from. 

Roughly two months ago, my girlfriend and I got into a fight.  Like many fights before, this fight got out of hand.  It ended with me threatening our relationship if she didn't stay and talk things out (I realize that this is not right of me). After the fight, she took off to a friend's house and decided late in the evening that she was too upset to come home and was going to be back home in the morning.  She came back the next morning and things were still very uneasy.  We fought some more, but as with every other fight it ended with us being back together again. 

Just yesterday my girlfriend came clean and told me that she had slept with another man during her night away.  She left her friend's house some time in the evening and texted a man she had only met once telling him that she had just broken up with her boyfriend and that she had no one to turn to.  The man invited her to come stay at his house, where she proceeded to have sex with him and stayed the night afterwards.  She immediately claimed that she didn't cheat on me because we were broken up.  Whether or not this is the textbook example of cheating, it still hurts just as bad.  I have been cheated on before in past relationships, and this feels no different.   

I broke up with my girlfriend immediately after hearing what had happened.  For the first time in our relationship, I did not play the break up card in order to get a reaction.  I felt as if she had done something that I could never come to forgive.  I can see that she truly is sorry for what she did.  I have had to be careful with what I've said around her because she is filled with self-hate right now.  She is absolutely devastated that we are no longer together.  It has been very hard for her to give me space since we've broken up.  After lots of begging and pleading to be taken back, I finally got her to go stay at her sister's house last night.  Tonight she'll be doing the same thing.  By the end of this week, she will be moving out of our apartment.  What I have last told her is that in one month I will reconsider things and let her know whether or not I'd like to pursue a relationship with her again.  For now, we are no longer a couple. 

The last 24 hours have been absolute torture for me.  My heart is broken, and I feel like no matter which decision I make it will always be broken.  The news came as a huge surprise to me.  My girlfriend suffers from codependency on a very grand scale.  This has always led me to believe that she would never cheat on me.  Faithfulness was something I never thought I would have to worry about.  That was something I valued greatly in her.  I guess I truly didn't understand how codependency could come back to get me in the end. 

I have been struggling to decide whether or not I am making the right decision.  I know that BPD's are often sincere when they say they are sorry, but it almost always ends up being meaningless in the end.  A big part of me truly does believe that she'll never do this again.  I can see that she understands the magnitude of what she did and its tearing her up.  At the same time, I don't think someone with BPD is always strong enough mentally to steer themselves clear of making this same mistake again.  Every part of me wants to believe her, but I feel like I'd be foolish to ever take her back.

I would greatly appreciate any and all advice.

[WalrusGumboot]

Hello Mehhh,

You are focused on the cheating and whether she would do it again, but I am more concerned with her visit to the psych ward about being suicidal, and whether she would do THAT again.

There are no statistics that I can point to, but an educated opinion is that a pwBPD is more prone to cheating than those without. Whether yours is truly repentant or just smoothing things over with you is hard to tell.

You have 9 months invested in this relationship, and you admit that it has been a roller-coaster ride the whole time. My question to you is, are you comfortable with this kind of relationship? You didn't mention that she is receiving any kind of therapy, so things will probably remain the same, or get worse. 

Do you have enough love and compassion to accept her for who she is right now? I understand what it is like to be in your shoes. I stayed with mine for 23 years, but there came a time when I could not endure it any longer.

[Validation78]

Hi Mehhh



You've been through a lot in this relationship and I'm sure your emotions are all mixed up now. Take some time to decide what path you want, and please make yourself aware of what BPD is and how it will be a part of your relationship.

There are many resources here on the site to help you learn more about BPD, and the tools to communicate and improve your relationship. We talk a lot here about the impact you can make. Have you checked out The Lessons on The Staying Board?

I think you need to give some thought to your ability to forgive. If you can truly forgive her for what she's already done, trust can be regained over time by her actions and sincerity. It's not easy, however, if you both work at it, it is possible.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Mehhh]

Hello Mehhh,

You are focused on the cheating and whether she would do it again, but I am more concerned with her visit to the psych ward about being suicidal, and whether she would do THAT again.

There are no statistics that I can point to, but an educated opinion is that a pwBPD is more prone to cheating than those without. Whether yours is truly repentant or just smoothing things over with you is hard to tell.

You have 9 months invested in this relationship, and you admit that it has been a roller-coaster ride the whole time. My question to you is, are you comfortable with this kind of relationship? You didn't mention that she is receiving any kind of therapy, so things will probably remain the same, or get worse. 

Do you have enough love and compassion to accept her for who she is right now? I understand what it is like to be in your shoes. I stayed with mine for 23 years, but there came a time when I could not endure it any longer.

Thank you for the response.  I forgot to mention that she is getting therapy.  She began getting therapy about 2 months ago, and does 1 visit a month.  I don't feel that she has been taking an aggressive approach towards fixing anything however.  This is a concern that I've brought to her attention on numerous occasions.  It usually takes me initiating things in order for her to have the motivation to get things done.  Since breaking up, she swears that she will try as hard as possible to prove to me that she does care about working towards a healthier mental/emotional lifestyle.  She also takes medication regularly for depression and mood stabilizing.

Her trip to the psych ward was not her first.  It was her third or fourth for such matters.  The past times had been when she was in no sort of romantic relationship.  This is not to lessen the severity of the issue at all.  I have struggled to decide whether she would be better off without the stress of this relationship.  Part of me thinks she would, the other part of me thinks she wouldn't. 

With each of the last people she has lived with, it eventually always reached the point where the two of them were clashing so much that she was forced to move out.  She gives in to black/white thinking very easily.  Someone can be her best friend, and she will talk/think so highly of them (almost too much), and then that person will do one thing wrong and suddenly she hates that person and thinks they are disgusting.  I don't want her to go through this cycle over and over again.  That is what I want to be here for her and assist her as she learns how to maintain healthy relationships. 

Hi Mehhh



You've been through a lot in this relationship and I'm sure your emotions are all mixed up now. Take some time to decide what path you want, and please make yourself aware of what BPD is and how it will be a part of your relationship.

There are many resources here on the site to help you learn more about BPD, and the tools to communicate and improve your relationship. We talk a lot here about the impact you can make. Have you checked out The Lessons on The Staying Board?

I think you need to give some thought to your ability to forgive. If you can truly forgive her for what she's already done, trust can be regained over time by her actions and sincerity. It's not easy, however, if you both work at it, it is possible.

Best Wishes,

Val78

Hey Val, thank you!

You are absolutely right when you said that my emotions are all mixed up right now.  I do know that time is the only thing that can help me think things through clearly.  I haven't begun browsing through the lessons yet.  I will definitely give them a read through. 

I do believe that this is an issue that I can get over in time and learn to forgive her for.  However, right now is a great opportunity for me to be able to step back, analyze things, and truly decide whether or not this is what I want in life.  That's what I plan on doing.

[Mehhh]

Hello Mehhh,

You are focused on the cheating and whether she would do it again, but I am more concerned with her visit to the psych ward about being suicidal, and whether she would do THAT again.

There are no statistics that I can point to, but an educated opinion is that a pwBPD is more prone to cheating than those without. Whether yours is truly repentant or just smoothing things over with you is hard to tell.

You have 9 months invested in this relationship, and you admit that it has been a roller-coaster ride the whole time. My question to you is, are you comfortable with this kind of relationship? You didn't mention that she is receiving any kind of therapy, so things will probably remain the same, or get worse. 

Do you have enough love and compassion to accept her for who she is right now? I understand what it is like to be in your shoes. I stayed with mine for 23 years, but there came a time when I could not endure it any longer.

Thank you for the response.  I forgot to mention that she is getting therapy.  She began getting therapy about 2 months ago, and does 1 visit a month.  I don't feel that she has been taking an aggressive approach towards fixing anything however.  This is a concern that I've brought to her attention on numerous occasions.  It usually takes me initiating things in order for her to have the motivation to get things done.  Since breaking up, she swears that she will try as hard as possible to prove to me that she does care about working towards a healthier mental/emotional lifestyle.  She also takes medication regularly for depression and mood stabilizing.

Her trip to the psych ward was not her first.  It was her third or fourth for such matters.  The past times had been when she was in no sort of romantic relationship.  This is not to lessen the severity of the issue at all.  I have struggled to decide whether she would be better off without the stress of this relationship.  Part of me thinks she would, the other part of me thinks she wouldn't. 

With each of the last people she has lived with, it eventually always reached the point where the two of them were clashing so much that she was forced to move out.  She gives in to black/white thinking very easily.  Someone can be her best friend, and she will talk/think so highly of them (almost too much), and then that person will do one thing wrong and suddenly she hates that person and thinks they are disgusting.  I don't want her to go through this cycle over and over again.  That is why I want to be here for her and assist her as she learns how to maintain healthy relationships. 

Hi Mehhh



You've been through a lot in this relationship and I'm sure your emotions are all mixed up now. Take some time to decide what path you want, and please make yourself aware of what BPD is and how it will be a part of your relationship.

There are many resources here on the site to help you learn more about BPD, and the tools to communicate and improve your relationship. We talk a lot here about the impact you can make. Have you checked out The Lessons on The Staying Board?

I think you need to give some thought to your ability to forgive. If you can truly forgive her for what she's already done, trust can be regained over time by her actions and sincerity. It's not easy, however, if you both work at it, it is possible.

Best Wishes,

Val78

Hey Val, thank you!

You are absolutely right when you said that my emotions are all mixed up right now.  I do know that time is the only thing that can help me think things through clearly.  I haven't begun browsing through the lessons yet.  I will definitely give them a read through. 

I do believe that this is an issue that I can get over in time and learn to forgive her for.  However, right now is a great opportunity for me to be able to step back, analyze things, and truly decide whether or not this is what I want in life.  That's what I plan on doing.

[WalrusGumboot]

That is what I want to be here for her and assist her as she learns how to maintain healthy relationships. 

I'm sure you realize that she might not ever learn this. Or for various reasons, quit therapy. I then have to go back to my initial question, do you have enough love and compassion to stay with her as she is right now, because it might be the way she is for the rest of her life?

By the time my marriage ended, I was exhausted in just about every way possible. I would love to have those years back. Nothing ever changed, but just got worse.