They Move on so fast, scared of their own shadow of shame?

[Iamdizzy]

A common topic that I am seeing is the "how do they move on so fast" and I would appreciate the opinions of everyone on here since we all know what it's like to try to move on.

Could it be that they move on so fast because they rather just self medicate (sex, idealizations & validation, drugs, alcohol) to repress the shame that they have due to their upbringing and the shame they have because of the pain that they caused us?

I'm steadily looking into myself, picking apart as to why I allowed this to happen and why I made so many excuses for her but I'm trying to at least grasp their psyche when it comes to moving on so fast. I remember when I was a child 5-6, I split some friends black because I hated that they moved or that they stopped being my friends (a phase I quickly grew out of) to ease the pain. I could never do this now or even during my prepubescent years!

Is this just a child inside of a grown adult who is desperately running away from their own shadow of shame caused by their past and the pain they cause us and their oh-so bad exes?

[Moonie75]

Yup.

I see it as a snowball of shame. As life rolls on the snowball gathers more & more shame. And as the ball gets bigger it gets ever colder & the need of someone warming them NOW, gets more & more desperate. Hence the drastic decisions & choices. 'Any port in an internal storm' so to speak!

[Perfidy]

The behavior mystifies me. I have no real idea why they move on so fast. I know why I did in past relationships. I did because I was done and wanted to get out before the toxicity grew. I was fairly healthy at one time. Not so after meeting little miss personality disorder. Now I am forgetting about "HER" and trying to focus on ME. It is hard. I'm no where near strong and healthy. I do keep falling back into "HER" but the more I look at me the easier it gets.

[Validation78]

Hi Iamdizzy!

I think some pwBPD move on so quickly is because they are afraid to be alone. They have little identity of their own and without a partner to mirror, don't know who they are. They also need to feel whole and validated. It's also important to appear well composed and healed to others. So after a breakup, they find your replacement, and it looks like they are successful, and wanted, the ex must have been the one with the problem. It's a lot easier to blame someone else for your problem than it is to fix your own.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[mcc503764]

Same game, just different players.  People are "band-aids" for them.  The shame that is associated with their reality is too much to face, so what do they do?  Slap another Band-Aid on the wound.  This only works for so long, because the initial wound needed stitches and is deeply scarred and infected by now... .

MCC

[babushka]

With the mirroring thing: do you think they feel better when they are mirroring someone who is nice, has real friends, and is stable and independent as opposed to dating another emotional/impulsive mess?

[LetItBe]

Hi Iamdizzy!

I think some pwBPD move on so quickly is because they are afraid to be alone. They have little identity of their own and without a partner to mirror, don't know who they are. They also need to feel whole and validated. It's also important to appear well composed and healed to others. So after a breakup, they find your replacement, and it looks like they are successful, and wanted, the ex must have been the one with the problem. It's a lot easier to blame someone else for your problem than it is to fix your own.

Best Wishes,

Val78

Well said.  My ex didn't know who he was and could never seem to get enough validation.  Not long after our breakup, he started making it a point to stop and talk to a close guy friend of mine on his way home.  My ex would be smiling and appearing happy, like everything was fine.    My friend could see right through him.  So could others who didn't even know him or our background.  Now, it's been about 4 months, and my ex has a gf that he's made a point of stopping to introduce to people around here, so, he looks "successful, and wanted."  Honestly, I wish he could be happy (even if it's not with me), but I know he didn't change that fast.  I know how he suffers.  I know logically -- and in my gut -- that it's a facade.  

[Iamdizzy]

Thank you all... . Val I agree with you, I guess you could say pwBPD lack a sense of self and quickly unravel when they are alone. I see it as a validation and perhaps a "loan" on looking into themselves, a postponement into some serious soul searching.

Babhuhka, I guess you could say I am what you have described in your post. My ex, not sure if its just typical BPD or not, but she would feel inferior although I have never made her feel that way.she has to,d me numerous times that I'm too good for her and that she's not good for me because I have x y z going on to benefit my future. On the other hand, my BPDex dated a guy who I believe has NPD and she stayed with him through the physical abuse, the drug use, the attempted suicides. I asked her why the fk Did you stay, well... . "I don't think I deserve anything good, I deserve to be treated like crap"

[Moonie75]

With the mirroring thing: do you think they feel better when they are mirroring someone who is nice, has real friends, and is stable and independent as opposed to dating another emotional/impulsive mess?

But people who are balanced, stable & carrying no issues of their own will see the red flags very quick & get out before the ride really gets going. Leave & stay balanced (with just a memory of a nutty person they dated for a while). If a BPD is mirroring a healthy person, they won't be mirroring them for very long!

[Perfidy]

With the mirroring thing: do you think they feel better when they are mirroring someone who is nice, has real friends, and is stable and independent as opposed to dating another emotional/impulsive mess?

But people who are balanced, stable & carrying no issues of their own will see the red flags very quick & get out before the ride really gets going. Leave & stay balanced (with just a memory of a nutty person they dated for a while). If a BPD is mirroring a healthy person, they won't be mirroring them for very long!

Lol... Funny! That girl sure put her hooks into me! I wanted out almost immediately. She didn't let loose until I had NOTHING left for her.

[Perfidy]

Eight fricking years later! Where are them cyanide pills. Kidding sorta

[babushka]

That's true, moonie75,

If I was completely healthy I would have only put up with 1-2 bouts of disregulation. The thing that sucks about coming out of the "fog" is I have to deal with my own shame and anger at myself for being a doormat... . but more productively, I need to learn from this and deal with myself rather than just look at it as a tornado hit my life and I was totally an unwilling participant and a victim. Fool me twice kind of thing. Should have listened to grandma.

[Iamdizzy]

babushka- feel your pain. I agree that we all have some sort of issue/reason as to why we stayed, it wasn't/is not/ and never will be healthy. I stayed because her stories about rape, horrible boyfriends, broken home, the common things you see on here... . I just couldn't leave her. I didn't want to be yet another douche who leaves her. I don't deny the fact that those experiences might have occured but... . I'm not too sure if I could believe them 100% now. I alternate between anger/self loathing/ missing her/ realization that she was crap and so was the relationship/ and being positive about the future. Feel the self loathing. Talk to yourself and know that hey you made a mistake and it's ok. You're obviously not the only one who fell victim to the BPD hooking devices and you're definitely not alone! 

The major difference between you and your ex, you're dealing with it. I need to learn from this and deal with myself 

we all do. I'm not going to date until I am ready and if I date the next girl who tells me her deep issues in a matter of a few dates, believe me when I say I will run away from her until I get an excersize induced asthma attack!

I don't believe that we are the victims. We stayed, we played with fire and we got injured by it, for some reason or another. Most of us did not have a clue as to what BPD was when we were with them. We have our reasons for staying BUT their abusive behavior BPD or not is unacceptable.  We can't split them black either we have our fault in it but abuse is abuse and ok we stayed but that does not mitigate their actions.

[musicfan42]

I stayed because her stories about rape, horrible boyfriends, broken home, the common things you see on here... . I just couldn't leave her. I didn't want to be yet another douche who leaves her. I don't deny the fact that those experiences might have occured but... . I'm not too sure if I could believe them 100% now.

Yup-this type of thing is playing on my mind! I feel like the stories I've heard are at least exaggerated/distorted/embellished and even if they are real, then they're just being used as a sob story... a manipulation tool to elicit attention/sympathy/pity/care-giving. I think that some of the stories I've heard are just lies too. I think there's some truth mixed in with embellishment and lies basically as it has to sound somewhat believable. I've actually become more hardened and don't really want to hear about anyone's sob story anymore-I've just had enough of it! I think to myself "wow, I've gone through stuff and yet I'm not complaining about it all the time". I feel like I'm in a relationship to have fun primarily-not to hold someone's hand and be their therapist. It's something that really angers me so I'm glad you've mentioned it!

[Iamdizzy]

Musicfan,

My uBPDex once used her past story of her rape as a manipulation to get me to stay after I had enough of the relationship. She knew that was my weak spot and she exploited that fact. To me as horrible as this may sound, a person who has gone through such a traumatic experience such as rape would never use it to manipulate others, in my opinion. But in the realm of BPD, where suriviving is a key priority, anything goes I suppose.

[Clearmind]

They Move on so fast, scared of their own shadow of shame?

They move on fast because they need another to mirror - you were mirrored once.

On the flipside! We don't move on fast because we have our own shame and guilt to contend with.

[Jep]

I believe my ex can't be alone for a few hours by herself without soothing her issues with some sort of validation. I absolutely do not think it has anything to do with shame for the betrayal of us. After all its not her fault at all anyway. If her new bf isn't around she sends a couple probes out to make sure I'm still around and I'm sick of it. I feel like I have to answer her cuz we have a 6 year old son who lives with me, but he's not the reason she calls. It's to see if I'm here, w/somebody, or not. You get the idea

[Learning_curve74]

On the other hand, my BPDex dated a guy who I believe has NPD and she stayed with him through the physical abuse, the drug use, the attempted suicides. I asked her why the fk Did you stay, well... . "I don't think I deserve anything good, I deserve to be treated like crap"

Yes, my BPDex told me almost the same thing about not deserving anything good. The scary thing is she also told me numerous times "you're a part of me now" (mirrored so much we were now one and the same)  , so no wonder she had to treat me like crap and hurt me the same exact way she "deserved" to be! 

It is actually quite a tragedy that my BPDex devalues herself so much.

[musicfan42]

Musicfan,

My uBPDex once used her past story of her rape as a manipulation to get me to stay after I had enough of the relationship. She knew that was my weak spot and she exploited that fact. To me as horrible as this may sound, a person who has gone through such a traumatic experience such as rape would never use it to manipulate others, in my opinion. But in the realm of BPD, where suriviving is a key priority, anything goes I suppose.

No it doesn't sound horrible at all... . I know exactly what you mean unfortunately.

People were telling me to "move on" and I thought that they were being too harsh with me. I wanted an explanation! But then today, I was reading yahoo answers strangely enough and I got the most amazing advice from it.

There was this woman who mentioned how her husband had divorced her and how she had found letters from his girlfriend six months later. Her attitude was "now I have my evidence of what really happened", She said it took a while not to want an explanation but that after a while, she didn't need an explanation and could move on with her life.

After reading that story, it just suddenly clicked with me that my BPD ex was dead weight anyways-that he was holding me back and that I deserved better. That's what people mean when they say "move on" so from now on, if anyone says it to me, I won't take it as an insult and realize that they actually mean it as a huge compliment.

Jep-you've hit the nail on the head.

[mcc503764]

They Move on so fast, scared of their own shadow of shame?

They move on fast because they need another to mirror - you were mirrored once.

On the flipside! We don't move on fast because we have our own shame and guilt to contend with.

After our initial split, I called her a monkey... . (wont let go of one branch until she has her hand on another... . )

I could always tell from her actions, who/type of people she was surrounding herself with (post breakup).  Yes, multiple recycles over the past two years (that I have obviously allowed,) we'd go months with NC and every time we'd hook up again, she was a different person... . different views, opinions, thoughts, goals, identity, etc... . NO consistency, but then again, there never was I guess... .

I know that I/ we don't move on so fast, because we need to process / understand what we have been through.  We invested so much of ourselves into the r/s and need to concentrate on recovering from it... . figuring out what happened... .

And, at the end of the day, the truth is that we sincerely loved them.  We have to process the loss, grieve / mourn the death of the relationship.  Once we are able to do this, we are able to move on with our lives again, but this takes time... .

MCC 

[Conundrum]

"Moving on" is an amorphous term. There's a large difference between "moving on" and "moving forward." They disconnect fast, in abrupt ways, and that hurts. I think we rationalize it (or even demonize them a bit), by the assumption that they've forgotten about us, we meant nothing etc. Almost as if they suffer from some sort of retardation. They remember everything. In fact their memories are extremely acute. They struggle with holding onto sentiment. For us, the sentiment that we attach to the relationship is visceral. We recall it effortlessly at will. Not so for them. They have to make a concerted effort to feel the sentiment from the prior attachment, and often it is not a pleasant process because it is steeped in shame. Quite often their actions were objectively unethical.

The new attachment is a palliative. It serves a two-fold process. It numbs the shame of knowingly repeating abandonment cycles, and it provides meaning. I often think we forget how much the innate human desire to lead a meaningful life (a search for meaning) plays into this, and how skewed the situations are that they find themselves in. I do not believe that they are pure materialists, or sensualists, though that is often the only available coping tool within their grasps. In the non-world, a new attachment is quite commonly used as a palliative too--hence rampant infidelity exists. But with them it's much more rooted in their relational disorder. New attachments give them hope. One of the worst feelings in the human condition is "hopelessness." There is nothing to look forward to. A new attachment is an aspirational act for them. They get to replay the cycle from the beginning again, with all the exaggerated relational aspects that provide meaning within their unsettled identities. The fact that they already know the eventual outcome, does not diminish the relief they feel during the process. It's a case of the means justifying the ends.

For a non, what should be taken away from this is that the great majority of pwBPD cannot conventionally sustain long-term romantic relationships. A great deal of suffering is alleviated when we accept that without acrimony. Many of us perhaps did crack their codes to a certain degree and have touched them deeply. Still, that "connection" cannot inhibit maladaptive schemas originating in early childhood trauma. Unfortunately, left untreated it's almost as if they have inherited a Sisyphean relational destiny. As a non, you can either go along for a partial romantic ride with them while accepting inherent limitations, or in the alternative, be traumatically damaged by the abandonment cycle that they're reenacting.