Hi all,
Today is set to be another hard day... . I had the most vivid dreams of my BPDex last night that I have ever had. I will lay out what happened and then provide my thoughts about it after.
The dream... .
I was at a party (incidentally I dreamed I was at the same party that I ACTUALLY was at last night) and a friend was calling my name telling me to come outside. Outside there was a big TV that was connected via Skype or another video chat program to a living room in my college town where the staff of the bar that my BPDex works at was seated. I was apparently doing an over the camera interview for a position as a bouncer at the bar for the coming year. I didn't even really remember applying, but I was told they were waiting so I went to talk to them. I noticed as I talked to them that my BPDex was not present. Evidently there were three of us applying for the same position so they were looking to choose the right candidate in what was almost a game-show type process. Fast forward and I along with 2-3 buddies are physically at the bar in my college town. I have never actually been in it so the location was a fabrication of my mind. I do remember distinctly however sitting on a couch with my friends facing away from the main portion of the bar and my BPDex walking up behind me to my left and starting to talk to me. As she talked and laid out some expectations like, "If you are going to be a bouncer you actually have to stick up for me even though we dated and broke up" and several other "guidelines" if you will. I stared straight ahead and did not acknowledge her. As she continued to talk her voice got more and more anxious and frustrated because she could see that I was ignoring her, even though she was standing 2 feet away from me. She finally started crying from frustration and turned and stormed away and shouted at me, "I am going to tell everyone that you cheated on me!". With that I decided that it was time to leave. My friends and I stood up to walk out the door and as I went to leave a man grabbed my arm firmly and pushed me back inside. I looked and saw it was a police officer- apparently someone had called because people had been destroying traffic cones (
?) outside the bar and they were trying to sort out who was who before letting people leave. So while I sat inside and the cop was talking to my friends my BPDex walked up in front of me and my good friend put himself between me and her to keep her away from me (I talked with my friend in real life last night and he told me this coming year that if she were to ever show up that I should call him and he would come get me and take me away no matter where and when. What a good friend!). She started pushing him and an older man who was standing nearby got between them and started pushing them apart. I shouted over all of it "Watch out, she is going to go and tell everyone that you punched her now!". The older man turned to me and shoved me and said "don't you dare threaten my daughter. I have a black belt in (something or other)". I was surprised that this man claimed to be her father- she did not meet her biological father until she was 18 and she hates him, and the man she claims as her dad looks nothing like the guy present.
That sequence ended and then... .
It continued that she was pregnant and claiming the child was mine. I was adamant that it was not and drove to her families home in her hometown to contest it. I remember looking at the calender on my phone and doing the math in my head on the way working out if it was possible. When I got there it dissolved into a shouting match between my BPDex, her "father" (the one from the bar scene) and I, as well as I think maybe her new boytoy. I finally turned and I think told the father off, told the BPDex I wanted ZERO contact from her UNTIL she sent me the paternity test so I could prove to her that the child was not mine, and I don't remember what I said to the new guy but I have a feeling it was something along the lines of "you don't know what you are in for, good luck chump".
The really defining thing in all of this is that I was VERY assertive, which is something that I have never been with her or about her.
Whew! thanks for sticking with me through that, but I needed to put down WHAT gave me the thoughts and such that I now have concerning all of it.
I see my thoughts and worries concerning my BPDex transitioning more and more away from her as a person and to the issue underlying all of it. The underlying issue has A LOT more to do with me... . I saw, I want to say Clearmind, post in another thread and say something incredibly revealing and totally true in my case. A pretty new member on this board said something to the effect of, "I stayed because I loved her so much and I didn't want to be another one to abandon her, I had such a connection with her". Clearmind suggested that these reasons, which were EXACTLY the ones that I believed in and gave myself, are in fact pretty superficial ones that we use to cover up the deeper, harder to deal with, personal ones that hold the truth.
It is a reality that I must face... . I knew and told people even when I was dating my BPDex that, "I am not going to marry her... . too much bad stuff has happened between us, she has a really rough past, etc, etc." And yet I kept pursuing the relationship, refused to let go of it, suffered through tons of lying and cheating, all to stay with someone that I had decided early on was not "the one".
I did love her dearly... . but that does not hold the whole truth as to why I stayed in such a destructive relationship.
For me personally, it has A TON to do with the fact that I am very inexperienced with women and that I had never had a relationship before. I had had sex, but I had had NOTHING in the way of an emotional connection with someone before. I don't really know that I knew how to (or really, that I even know how to now). I had it for the first time with my BPDex, and I LOVED IT. I loved being able to be so open and close with someone... . it was a great gift. And it is THAT that I woke up truly missing this morning. I think the grief that I feel is that here I FINALLY had an opportunity, a shot at a relationship, and it panned out the way that it did (albeit was near destined to due to my BPDex's disorder). I am grieving the lost potential I guess. The loss of that connection with someone, the loss of it being OK to feel so strongly about someone and have the feelings returned (however intermittently). I have used an analogy before... . It took my BPDex putting a hole in my heart for me to realize that there was already one there. Sort of like how sometimes it takes getting a small cut to realize you are already bleeding pretty badly.
I think it has been so hard to let go of her as a person because she is the only thing I have to associate with those feelings of love. Letting go of her means letting go of the warmest I have ever felt in my entire life. It means a return to the seemingly hopelessness I have always had when it comes to women. When I say that, I am not talking about getting laid; I find it near impossible to find a woman my age who I can really level with. We seem to be caught up in different things.
Another pretty profound thought struck me... .
For the past 3 months I have been depressed, my appetite gone, not sleeping, not seeing much point in life, etc. I have pulled up some for sure in the last month, but there is still a cloud over my head. This experience that I had with my BPDex, the trauma that came with dating a serial liar and cheater who crossed all kinds of boundaries and challenged and broke even my strongest beliefs in who my friends really were has left me in a bad place. I still think about daily and near constantly all that happened... . it's just there, constantly being relived.
I had the thought that this must be what our BPDex's feel like ALL THE TIME. I know that it must be true of my own BPDex. With all of the things she has in her past... . she told me many many times that she must always be around people, doing something, because if she isn't she just starts thinking and goes to dark places. She told me that when we went to bed together at night, her cuddled into me and me holding her, that for the only time during the day she felt safe and at peace. Everything was OK. She told me that the reason she got high by snorting hydros was because it made the voices in her head stop, even for a moment. She wasn't constantly reliving everything.
I have a newfound appreciation for WHY pwBPD do what they do... . I think the most appropriate thing I can say about it is that they just have maladaptive coping strategies. It HURTS to sit here and try and process and work through all of the hurt. Given all that they have to live with, I much better understand why it would be easier for them to run from it and try and put bandaids on it in the way of new partners instead of sitting down and really weathering the storm.
I don't know that I could go on living if I were to feel this way for the rest of my life. I am counting on the fact that I will make my way through this process eventually and emerge stronger and wiser. I think this post and these realizations are part of that process. I really need to come back and reread some of my posts a week or so later... . to remind myself.
It is amazing what simple things like dreams can tell us about ourselves and provide insight into our experiences and feelings.
Sorry for the novel folks... . but that is what this website is for. People are willing to listen.
