Wants to buy a fixer upper 600 miles away

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. Last weekend I was informed that I needed to write up a letter to be notarized that stated that I paid the mortgage (we split it) for the past 14 months so that she would prequalify for a mortgage in another state. ?  But we both pay it!

We have had some difficulty over the summer. I feel like she has checked out. I noticed in June that she has not been engaged in anything outside of our home, interested in the garden plants that she so carefully cultivated... . many things were ignored that she always used to love to do. I believed that she was becoming depressed. This was about the time when she told me that her doctor said that he believed that she met the criteria for BPD. She has been managing Bipolar disorder for many years and has made incredible progress... . we both have. I had a lot to learn about support, patience, and love.  So now, almost like a switch, these persistent symptoms for BPD are always looming. Mostly in the form of anger or rage. She does not self harm. Unfortunately, her therapist cut her back from once a week to once every 2 weeks but put her in a DBT group every week. I know that she took the therapists adjustment pretty hard.

So, the mortgage. I know that I need to pick my battles, be supportive of her ambition, set boundaries, and listen to her intent but I feel that this is a reaction to other things that she can't control. The diagnosis maybe? Cut back of therapists time? Both plus some?

I cannot put our financial life in her hands right now. I guess I'm apprehensive about saying no. I wish she would talk about her idea in group. I really don't know that she hasn't but I just feel it.

[wiltry]

Hello. Last weekend I was informed that I needed to write up a letter to be notarized that stated that I paid the mortgage (we split it) for the past 14 months so that she would prequalify for a mortgage in another state. ?  But we both pay it!

We have had some difficulty over the summer. I feel like she has checked out. I noticed in June that she has not been engaged in anything outside of our home, interested in the garden plants that she so carefully cultivated... . many things were ignored that she always used to love to do. I believed that she was becoming depressed. This was about the time when she told me that her doctor said that he believed that she met the criteria for BPD. She has been managing Bipolar disorder for many years and has made incredible progress... . we both have. I had a lot to learn about support, patience, and love.  So now, almost like a switch, these persistent symptoms for BPD are always looming. Mostly in the form of anger or rage. She does not self harm. Unfortunately, her therapist cut her back from once a week to once every 2 weeks but put her in a DBT group every week. I know that she took the therapists adjustment pretty hard.

So, the mortgage. I know that I need to pick my battles, be supportive of her ambition, set boundaries, and listen to her intent but I feel that this is a reaction to other things that she can't control. The diagnosis maybe? Cut back of therapists time? Both plus some?

I cannot put our financial life in her hands right now. I guess I'm apprehensive about saying no. I wish she would talk about her idea in group. I really don't know that she hasn't but I just feel it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[momtara]

It is hard to have to jump through hoops to keep someone happy.  There's a limit to how much you can do it.

How often is she going to drive out there?  10 hours each way?  Or fly?  It's difficult either way.

Maybe she'll drop the idea on her own?

[wiltry]

Well, that is what I am concerned with. I sat down with her tonight and let her know how I felt about it. That I was concerned that this was an impulse and that I was afraid that she would regret it. Also, that the reality to me was to buy something so far away might become something that would be more than regrettable, but another source of strain and stress. I was prepared for whatever may happen but I had to get it out there. You know, she never ceases to amaze me. She was upset but she understood my concerns. She also let me know where she was coming. We talked about it and neither one of us became defensive. No ping ponging.

I think that she will still look but I am confident that we won't end up in a bad way. Sometimes you just have to trust someone and not walk around always expecting the worst which is kind of what I have been doing for the past few weeks.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I feel like she has checked out. I noticed in June that she has not been engaged in anything outside of our home, interested in the garden plants that she so carefully cultivated... . many things were ignored that she always used to love to do. I believed that she was becoming depressed.

It sounds like she's setting things up so that she could leave you and move to a newly purchased home.  Then, she'll have a home/mortgage, and you'll be left with the entire mortgage at your current home.

You can just tell her that you can't lie on the notorized papers.  That's illegal. 

[Suzn]

It sounds like she's setting things up so that she could leave you and move to a newly purchased home.  Then, she'll have a home/mortgage, and you'll be left with the entire mortgage at your current home.

We do not want to assume this.

Wiltry it may best to let your wife know that buying another home effects you financially as well as your credit rating and you are not prepared to agree to this at this time. This can protect you financially.

You are probably right she is feeling the stress of a new diagnosis. Do you feel she has accepted the diagnosis?

[wiltry]

Thanks for your posts-

I did let her know that the financial consequences are a huge worry for me. I guess that I'm just really confused. I believe that my almost... . hyper vigilance has let me assume the worst. I have been reading and now I have some support... . at least some great things to think about through this website... . and with this I have read some of the tragic situations other couples go through.

I don't have the same thoughts in my head that sadwifeofBPD has. I'm sorry for your situation sadwife.

I suppose that there are varying degree's of this disorder? You know, we have been through quite a bit together and have grown as a couple even though we have these goofy things that go on. Sometimes I feel pretty beaten up but I might not if I get better at dealing with conflict. It's almost like every now and then the volcano has to blow.

What has thrown me for a loop I guess is the name to the behavior. On one level I was relieved that we had something to work with and on another it was... . What the Hell! Somebody cut her a break! You know what I mean?

She said to me that we can't erase this and that we have to enjoy what we have. I agree.

I have a lot to learn but feel fortunate that I can post. Just knowing that there is an opportunity to vent and then someone to give me something to think about helps. Thanks.

[wiltry]

I'm sorry-  Yes. It seems that she has accepted the diagnosis. We have talked about it within the last couple of days. I have a feeling that she new long before she disclosed to me.

I believe that she gets a lot out of the DBT group. She shared the first workbook with me and she is now in the second phase... . acceptance and change, I think? She has made a friend too which is really nice because she has not been particularly sociable for quite a long time. I have a lot of rewarding experience through my job and school and know how good it feels to be appreciated. She is really talented and really nice and funny and I want other people to experience her like that. It would make her feel really good to be appreciated by others too.

we'll see.

[Suzn]

Yes wiltry wanting someone to cut her a break, I get it totally. Expectations wiltry, it's hard to know where the "severity" lies with your wife. You and hopefully her therapist know her best. BPD is not a death sentence, DBT can be successful in helping your wife cope better. I'm glad she feels comfortable sharing with you. 

It takes courage to say no, I get that too. Have you visited the Lessons to the right of your screen? Specifically Lesson 3. This will be helpful to you.

[wiltry]

Thanks Suzn. All this is really helpful.