When Do I let go

[tayana]

My partner was officially diagnosed with BPD during her last hospital stay.  I have thought she was BPD for quite some time, and noticed a lot of the thing she was accusing me of, she was actually doing.  I'm actually relieved when she has to go to the hospital because I feel like I'm living with a time bomb waiting to explode.

I have tried to be supportive.  I have tried setting boundaries, just to be told that I'm playing mind games.  She keeps threatening to leave with my youngest child, the child we had together, if I don't change.  I'm just sort of sitting here trying to figure out what games, manipulations that I'm doing.  When I try to tell her how I feel about what she says or does, then I'm putting words in her mouth or else I've invented a scenario in my head.  The tone of voice and facial expressions she has suggest strongly that what I feel is dead on, but she comes back with that I've invented everything each and every time.  The energy in my house is completely different when she's not home, and I'm almost ashamed to say, I'm happy when she's not there.  I look forward to when she will be leaving just so I can have a little of that peace of mind without worrying about what I say or do setting her off. 

She reacts irrationally sometimes, especially towards my oldest child, who ends up with punishments that are excessive for the crime.  She's tried to make him into someone he's not by claiming he is deceitful, manipulative, and a liar.  I don't see these traits in him anymore than in other teens. 

I don't know when I should just say this isn't worth it anymore.  I care about her, but the love I feel towards her is slowly sliding away into resentment.  I grew up in a house where I walked on eggshells all the time, and I don't want to live that way anymore.  As much as I want to help her, I don't see what I can do.  She keeps telling me I am the source of her depression/suicidal thoughts/etc because I don't care enough about her and can't communicate effectively.  I'm tired of accepting guilt and blame for something that's not necessarily my fault.

[Newton]

tayana I'm truly sorry things are so challenging for you... . there are positives... . you have found this place with people who totally understand what you are experiencing, and your partner has a diagnosis. 

It sounds like you and your kids are on the receiving end of large doses of projection... . remember, you didn't cause this disorder and it's not your job to fix it... . I too grew up "walking on eggshells"... . there is no need for you to live this way as an adult!

I haven't had the time to read your back story... . do you have a therapist to help you through all this?

Try not to beat yourself up about enjoying the peace... . many of us here know exactly how exhausting it can be... . there is also a legal board here who could help if you are concerned about her leaving with your youngest... .

[seeking balance]

Tayana,



I can remember asking over and over when was "enough" and I always received the answer - you will know when you know... . which I would then roll my eyes at - but, it is true.  Leaving without guilt or keeping your own values in tact is very important.

Do you happen to have a T for you to sort through your own emotions?

Now that your partner is diagnosed - is she going to start DBT?

Peace,

SB

[tayana]

I do have a T, and she is trying to help me through with it.  My partner is supposed to look for DBT provider, but I don't think there are many in this area.  I also have my doubts whether she will go through with it.  Her doctor isn't sure she should even be at home, and so I'm expecting another trip to the hospital soon.  I think she'll go see her girlfriend in jail first.  I'm nervous about leaving her with my kids now since she's been cutting, and already admitted to me that she still wants to die.  I want to give her a chance, but my patience is running out.

[Validation78]

Hi Tayana!

Glad to hear that you are working with a T yourself and have support. Many of us here can relate to the running out of patience feeling, and having support helps a lot.

Since you mention boundaries and her reaction to them, it may help you to know that it's a good sign. She notices that you are protecting yourself, and of course, she won't like it since you are not allowing her to have her way if it compromises your values. She'll adapt, which is the goal. There are many other communication tools that may be helpful to you while you contemplate the future of the relationship. In fact, you will need them no matter what happens since you are forever connected via your child. Check out The Lessons on The Staying Board!

I spent 2 years asking myself the question, when will be the right time to say I've had enough. Just as SB said, and I will confirm, you just know. When you've exhausted your options, when it just feels right, you'll know, as many of us did!

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your children!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[seeking balance]

I do have a T, and she is trying to help me through with it.  My partner is supposed to look for DBT provider, but I don't think there are many in this area.  I also have my doubts whether she will go through with it.  Her doctor isn't sure she should even be at home, and so I'm expecting another trip to the hospital soon.  I think she'll go see her girlfriend in jail first.  I'm nervous about leaving her with my kids now since she's been cutting, and already admitted to me that she still wants to die.  I want to give her a chance, but my patience is running out.

Glad you have a T.

Well, you know an in-patient DBT program may be what she needs if she is still actively suicidal.  Can you push for this with the Dr. or her insurance company?  I have read often that a pwBPD needs a strong advocate at times balanced with a real boundary of consequences you are willing to live with if she doesn't go.

I understand about being scared leaving her with the kids... . do you have other options at the moment?  If you left, you would need other options - maybe regarding the kids, do what your gut tells you.

We all know we cannot save somebody that does not want to be saved - living in this way is exhausting.  Please keep taking good care of you and the kiddos.

Best,

SB

[tayana]

I don't know that I have any say with the doctor or the insurance... . she's kept all of that very secret from me.  She's not put me as an emergency contact several times just so I can't talk to the doctor. 

I've been having friends stop by, stay with her, etc.  She doesn't want that though, so I have to give her a chance.  I don't like surprise trips places without saying anything until they are ready to leave, which happened today.  I think they'll be OK, but it was very odd, and she would have been furious if I'd done something like that.