Need Feedback - Ex in panic over never seeing me again.

[Hurtbad]

Hi,

As is well documented here, my ex is leaving town for good to live with the guy she flew out to his city to sleep with  three days after breaking up.  She met him on Facebook.  She is moving in with him in three weeks.  BTW:  This has all taken place after only three months.

She just got back after spending a week with him in Florida and is in a panic because I am... . was... . her best friend.  It is hitting her how final it all is and wants my assurances that I will remain her friend and be there for her to talk her down from her moods etc. and support her.  I honestly wonder why her new guy is not doing this for her, or why he is not helping her move.  I did not throw these things at her because I know how fragile she is, and I may as well leave well enough alone.  As much as I love her I just want her to go.

Now that all the drama is over, all that is in front of her is the new job out there, and her new life.  I am, she now realizes, gone forever.

Anyway, I have chosen to be kind.  I feel bad for her pain,but it seems as one more example of her impulsiveness and instability.

Any advice about how I should deal with the next three weeks would be appreciated.  I am glad to have my life back, and want to hold onto it.

HB

[GreenMango]

As much as I love her I just want her to go.

whew I know that feeling.

Impulsive and unstable... . that pretty much nails it.  Not much to do about it.  She's gotta sort out her own choices.

Hard to dig deep like that and hold onto what's important to you - like your principles - when your hurting.  Good job.

Just keep putting those first along with yourself, and know its okay to have boundaries, communicate your needs and to pick yourself.

[Trick1004]

Good advice from Green Mango,

I think you laid it out pretty well in your initial post what you want to happen. Mine wants to remain friends with me also, I don't think that will ever be possible. At some point you have to let them live with their decisions and do what is best for you.

[Reg]

Mine asked the same over and over again.  I gave her a choice, seek help and keep a friend, or lose me.  She said I was manipulating her and nothing was wrong with her.  It was her choice finally.

[cska]

Anyway, I have chosen to be kind.  I feel bad for her pain,but it seems as one more example of her impulsiveness and instability.

Hurtbad, I'm the same, if my ex asks me for something, I'm always kind to her. I cannot harbor any anger towards her because I know that she is in constant turmoil and pain. But, I have to warn you, when me and my ex were together, she would constantly fall back to her ex when she would be upset at me. They didn't do anything sexual (although one time they did hook up), but she did keep him on a short leash. Whenever I would need space to breathe from her demands, she would hang out with her ex, and then leave him in the dust and get back with me.

I personally don't want to be like that guy. I don't want her to be her shoulder to cry on, I wnt to move on and heal. So be careful there.

Btw, your post kind of made me mad. You're her "best friend" and yet she going to Florida to live with some dude 3 days after breaking up with you. That's a nice way to treat your "best friend"  ...

[goldylamont]

Hurtbad I know it's hard too i had to live with my ex for a couple months after breaking up. Trust me, she's not your friend. And she will use you to make herself feel good, give you nothing in return other than false hope to control you, then throw you away when she doesn't need you anymore. If she wanted to be your friend then she would be compassionate and listen to how you feel/felt and you two could make amends with each other--she don't want it. here is what compassionate responsibility towards you feels like for her -->   

sure, she's going through a lot of pain, has been for a while and will most likely continue to do so with many other people. but there's nothing you can do about this. so as someone else recommended, be kindest to *you*. do whatever you need to feel better. whatever you do for her won't really be appreciated or reciprocated, no matter what facade she puts up. and the new guy is just being manipulated like you... . why is he not able to give her the emotional support she wants? hah; he's probably wondering why you couldn't be a better partner to this wonderful new woman in his life--trust me, most likely he's not the problem here. he's the next victim doing his best with a ticking time bomb

[IamDevastated]

Hurtbad I know it's hard too i had to live with my ex for a couple months after breaking up. Trust me, she's not your friend. And she will use you to make herself feel good, give you nothing in return other than false hope to control you, then throw you away when she doesn't need you anymore. If she wanted to be your friend then she would be compassionate and listen to how you feel/felt and you two could make amends with each other--she don't want it. here is what compassionate responsibility towards you feels like for her -->   

sure, she's going through a lot of pain, has been for a while and will most likely continue to do so with many other people. but there's nothing you can do about this. so as someone else recommended, be kindest to *you*. do whatever you need to feel better. whatever you do for her won't really be appreciated or reciprocated, no matter what facade she puts up. and the new guy is just being manipulated like you... . why is he not able to give her the emotional support she wants? hah; he's probably wondering why you couldn't be a better partner to this wonderful new woman in his life--trust me, most likely he's not the problem here. he's the next victim doing his best with a ticking time bomb

I could not have said this better myself. Everything you say is the truth and the word "ticking time bomb" is VERY appropriate in this situation. I have gone from hating how my exBPD hooked up with new guys after our breakup to genuinely shuddering at the thought now. Not shuddering for my own loss but for the new guys/victims! If they only knew what awaits them... .

[Gaslit]

You have to let her fail.

She is no longer your responsibility.

Accepting her request is ALL about her. There is no regard for your feelings.

It also sets up the perfect triangle with her being the victim. Guess what that makes you? Soon enough, the persecutor.

This is now about self-respect for you. Would you really be okay with yourself, accepting this?

Don't lose yourself to save her. She can't be saved.

[ObiRedKenobi]

The way I feel about my ex is that until she starts seeing someone else I'll be as supportive as possible. Right now she's adopted hermit/waif qualities. I feel bad for her even though I know in reality she will survive just fine. But when she does start seeing someone else that is their responsibility. I'm not quite ready to move on I'm sure she will before I do but when I move on I can't continue to be her support system just because I'm familiar enough with her moods and actions that I can somewhat deal with her.

It just doesn't seem fair to anyone involved. Its not fair to her future victim because she won't talk about needing me for support. Its not fair to her to continue to be her crutch. Its not fair to me when I'm trying to move on with my life and get it back in order. And its not fair to anyone I date in the future because I feel like my attention would be split between my ex and new relationship. That just sounds like starting off on the wrong foot.

Thats just how I feel about it and why when she moves on I need to withdraw my support.

[WalrusGumboot]

Hurtbad, there is not much to add to the other posts, which offer great insight.

If I had to choose one thread that exemplifies typical BPD behavior, this one would be in the running. Total lack of empathy for the hurt she has caused you... . she found a shiny new toy to play with, but wants to keep the old one around in case it breaks.

My exBPDw wanted to be so-called friends after the divorce, but I knew what it was that was all about. I played along to get her out the door, and when things went sour she was living on the other side of the state. If you want her gone and she is insistent on being friends, you might have to do the same until she moves. Then shut the door.

[Perfidy]

Wow... The behavior apparently is pretty standard. My ex told me that she had been in a relationship with another man for months. She could have at least had the decency to break up with me first. I told her I didn't want to be her friend or enemy. I told her I just wanted to forget. She freaked and started blowing my phone up. Crying... Saying she didn't want to lose me for a friend. Wow! Take a massive dump on me and ask to be my friend. Ha! Right!

     No way ever do I want to see or hear from her again. Scorched earth. I remain no contact. I know this bridge must be burned. I am burning it.

[bpdspell]

Hurt bad,

You have received some good advice on here but we all know that we get up from the table when we're full.

To me it sounds like you haven't made the decision to fully detach. You are holding on to whatever crumbs she's willing to give you under the guise label of "friendship."

But you need to ask yourself: What does friendship mean to you?

Friendship to me means mutual respect, feeling good around that person, trust and shared emotional values. None of which a person with BPD can offer. I'm sorry but her mental illness will limit her ability & capacity to be your "friend."

Do not dupe yourself into believing that her panic means "care." To be brutally honest her panic is more about securing supply since she isn't so sure that her out of state buddy can give her what you're so eager and willing to give to her.

Again. It all boils down to them and their needs. It's all one sided, lacks reciprocity and is all about us sacrificing ourselves so they can be happy.

Don't you feel you deserve more than that?

Spell

[Hurtbad]

Thank you all for the replies and support.  He helps me see what I do not see, and it reminds me how I have to I often lose sit of how she was not acting like a friend the way she did what she did.

BPDspell.  You are 85% correct in your assessment that I still hold on to those crumbs to some extent. The good news is that I will be glad for her to move her 2000 miles away, and am further away than I ever dreamed I would in terms of detaching.  Posts like yours remind me, also, of how easy t is to fall into their "spell."

I am doing much, much better, but but need these fresh blasts of reality air to keep me on track.

Thanks all

[GreenMango]

I like to ask myself what a friend is in this situation.  What those standards/expectations are for myself and them.

I got myself into trouble bending too much for the other person when they didn't really have those requisite qualities and I found myself in more pain than it was worth.  My expectations were pretty unreasonable given the facts. 

When it gets more painful to stick around versus letting go - well that's a sign.