Guideline

[Perfidy]

Can anyone help me here? Yes... . It was a messed up deal. EVERYTHING BPD applies to my ex. Is there a clear way to define this insanity? This is the most horrific painful thing for me. This breakup. She is pretty ok with it. Seems way out of balance just about like everything else about our failed romance. It was never good enough for her. I tried as hard as I could. Was I simply just not good enough? Was I TOO good? Should I already know? Am I insane?

[Octoberfest]

Deep breaths!

I have felt (and still do sometimes) how you feel right now. We second guess ourselves, beat ourselves up, and try and make sense out of things that make little to none.

I think one of the biggest things to be conscious of is that there is a MAJOR disconnect because expectations and reality in relationships with pwBPD.  This is due to the fact that their brains simply do not work the same way we do.  We could be given the EXACT same information as our BPDex's, come to a logical and reasonable conclusion, and be SHOCKED at what our BPDex's came up with.  We struggle often to understand their actions and words because from our perspective, IT MAKES NO SENSE.

You feel this way, depressed and grieving, BECAUSE YOU ARE HEALTHY.  It really seems kind of backwards, that the ones who are disordered seem to be able to move on so easily and effortlessly and that the "healthy" ones get stuck in so much misery in pain.  Realize however, that the whole "she is pretty ok with it" is an appearance only thing.  She buries the grieving process, which necessitates addressing and coming to terms with ones own role in the failure of the relationship, in new relationships and other unhealthy outlets.  I always told my BPDex that she seemed to be forever running away from things... . it is the truth.  They can never stop running; there is a monster chasing them in the way of all of the shame and pain that they have buried away.

I will advise you however, DO NOT play the "I wasn't good enough" game.  It is a self destructive and dark one.  One of my biggest regrets is saying to my BPDex after our breakup (caused by her AGAIN cheating on me), "sorry I wasn't good enough" in a text message. I think I was fishing, looking for her to say "it wasn't you, it was me!".  Unfortunately, if I am looking for a disordered person who is incapable of taking responsibility for their actions to do just that, I am going to be waiting a long time, and you will be too.

A much healthier way to look at this is to say "We were not compatible.  There is a disconnect between my needs and what she can provide me".  It can go the other way as well, that you are not able to fulfill her needs either, but in reality, NO ONE can.

This is brief because I need to hit the sack and get up early for my own therapy session, but I hope it helps!

[Perfidy]

Crying

[Octoberfest]

Hey perfidy,

I just went back and read your introductory post to get a real grasp on your particular situation.

Your BPDex is a meth addict. And she didn't start when she met you.  You did not cause her to start.

Your Ex, just like mine, and just like everyone else's here, had all of their problems LONG before us.  The ONLY common denominator in our exes history of pain and broken relationships and other misfortune is THEM.  And I promise, they are not just unlucky.  They all make their own choices.

It IS NOT your fault!

[really]

Perfidy I have those thoughts regularly but I will share something my T said

She said

- write down all the reasons you believed her - why you had reason to

- write down all the things that you did that were consistent with your beliefs and being you as you are

It is not us.  Sure we played the dysfunctional dance but we could have been the most patient validating forgiving person in the world and still had the same outcome

We are with you brother. 

[Trick1004]

Perfidy,

It IS agonizing. I thought I knew what emotional pain was but have now experienced a whole other level of it. You can't understand anything about their actions looking at it from a normal perspective, because they are not normal. The only way to even begin understanding is to look at through the BPD lens.

It does get better everyday you keep out of interacting with them though. Nothing about the failure of the r/s has anything to do with you, I think everyone on this board gave everything they had to make it work with their BPD partner and given enough time start to realize it was and never would be enough but would only continue to eat you emotionally away.

Keep your head up, keep posting here, and keep moving forward. We are all here in different stages and want to help.