Update and Question

[Jai Yen]

Hi all, it's been a while since I've checked in. I had my stbx uNPD/BPDw served divorce papers back in February. She lives and works in her home country Japan. She's scheduled to come back August 21 to hopefully settle. We run a successful business that relies on both of our input. We also have a D17 and S16.

Since February we've done OK. We've continued to run our business and even cooperated through the sale of a recreational property. I end Skype calls with her if she backs unregulated or disrespectful. My doing this consistently seems to have helped to make the boundary with me clear.

She needs to provide her L with financial information from her end such as her retirement plan, value of her condominium and a second investment property etc. She's yet to provide this.

I told her this:

We must both provide all of our financial information so we can determine how best to equitably divid our assets. I intend to make sure this process goes as smoothly as possible from my end. I have made it clear that I intend to continue to co-parent with you and run (our business) with you. I expect you to cooperate fully as well.

I went on to inform her that I would not be staying at home while she's back. She can use the car etc.

Her reply was basically that she doesn't respect my decision not to get her from the airport (our D17 can do that) and that if I really want to divorce I should come to Japan to take care of it and she will not come here. She told me she will not cooperate any more with our business because there is no trust between us.

How should I respond or not respond?

[ForeverDad]

If she refuses to provide information, then you can have information estimated and submitted regarding the missing figures.  Then it's up to her to contest it. If only your information is submitted, then teh judge should rule on the information provided.

For example, your properties... .

Your house assessed by county as $300K for RE taxes calcs but appraised at $360K

Her  house assessed by county as $200K for RE taxes calcs but appraised at $?K

So you submit to the court either a tentative appraisal for her property based on no internal inspections... . or you prorate her appraised value based on your house's data.  As above, your appraisal is 20% over county's RE tax calc.  So take her $200K RE tax calc and increase it by the same percentage and submit to the court that your reasonable calc is $240K for her home's value.  (I think the court might require her property be appraised but if she refuses will the court order appraisal anyway?)

So you don't know how much retirement she has?  Do you know what company has her account?  Your lawyer can subpoena that company for copies of statements.  Or so I believe.  If even that fails, then estimate how much she could have been saving.  Don't calc based on conservative 3%, calc based on federal annual maximums.

What I'm saying is that her idea of obstruction is only a delay, it will still get done one way or another.  Your lawyer would probably tell you that if she fails to provide required data, you can make your own estimates or pay for your own estimates (don't sell yourself short, favoring you at least a little is fine) and leave it up to her to counter with her own data.

And no, we all know you won't sabotage yourself and agree to throw out all the hard work you've already done on the divorce process and start over on her home turf where she likely could control the pace and even outcome.

[livednlearned]

If she is like my ex, this could be bluffing. The fact she is put out that you won't pick her up from the airport, and then in the next breath tells you to go to Japan to figure things out seems like a classic power trip.

Unfortunately, testing you and really messing up your life kinda go hand in hand.

Ask your L how much you can accomplish without her input, and if she stonewalls, how the judge might handle your case. When parents don't cooperate, after agreeing to cooperate, I think there are procedures you can appeal to so that you are not stuck in limbo. For example, parents that don't show in court -- I believe the court has a process for tolerating the no-shows, and then can make a ruling in their absence that is usually not favorable. Like stripping them of custody.

Not sure how it would work with the financial settlement and your business, but perhaps there are similar steps. Your L will know, and then you can convey that info to your ex. My guess is that not cooperating (or not showing) is more advantageous to you than her, even though it will likely be crappy for both. 

[Jai Yen]

Thanks for the feedback. This is a frustrating situation. I'm sure they all are. In a long rambling email she's attempting a last ditch effort to keep the marriage together which is hard to believe. Her attorney contacted my attorney and said that she hasn't received the requested financial information yet. Her attorney is also asking for another $10K.

Another twist in the plot is our S16 is with his mother in Japan. She finished work late July and has until mid-Sept off. She's scheduled to return here with our son on August 21 and return alone to Japan on Sept. 10 - during which time we have settlement conferences scheduled. Our son's been over there for about a month now and is scheduled to return with his mom. They visited her sister in Osaka and relatives in Tokyo. She currently has too much free time which is never a good thing. I know you must be wondering why I allowed him to visit her. I discussed it with my son and his councilor and his mother in detail. He, to the extent his 16 year old mind will allow, understands his mother's condition and learned some skills to deal with it from his councilor. This may have been a mistake on my part. Time will tell.

I've done everything I can to manage this divorce process in hopes of not screwing up our kids, keeping our business operational, and determining how best to divide our assets.

I want this circus to end. I simply want to move on with my life. I need 2 years to get a new business project off the ground. Our shared business is doing fine and even if she doesn't cooperate fully it'll benefit her too and provide enough income to get the kids off to college.

I will discuss options and tactics with my L today. Positive vibes my way are welcome!

[livednlearned]

I'm always impressed that people can think so clearly and be so organized when there is this level of chaos going on. The only way I've been able to move the ball forward is to ask lots of questions, find out as much information as possible, and develop a really good windshield so N/BPDx's stuff hits my windshield, and not me. Then I apply the wipers.



If she does not show, the judge may issue a continuance, but I believe the judge will award you whatever you're petitioning for, eventually (which is the hard part -- a lenient judge may keep issuing continuances longer than you care to wait for). But your ex may back down from her power trip if you explain the court's power trip, and how it will benefit you, not her, if she doesn't show.  

[Matt]

It will be important to work with your lawyer to develop a plan which does not assume any cooperation from the other side.  What are the steps you will take if the other side does not cooperate at all?  That should be your main plan.  Then if the other party cooperates sometimes, things may go a little better, but don't assume any cooperation.

Also, I would suggest all communication related to the divorce go from your lawyer to the other lawyer.  Instead of you telling your wife, "We need this information!", it should be your lawyer telling the other lawyer, "Please send this information by August 16.  If we do not recieve it by then, we will take the next steps through the court, and we will ask the court to cite your client for not cooperating, and we will ask the court to require your client to pay my client's legal fees which result from your client's choice not to send the required information."  Your lawyer should know how to do this - tell her to do it.

Has a trial date been set?  You may need to file a motion to have it set as soon as possible.  That will set the end date for the divorce.  Then any failure on your wife's part to act properly will not cause delays but should only make the court rule in your favor.

[Jai Yen]

It's interesting my L suggested some language to reply to my stbx's email that seems, for the moment anyway, to have worked. I told her that I have thought long and hard about continuing the marriage (true to an extent just not recently) and that we must continue with the divorce. I went on to tell her that we should focus on the areas that we do well at when we cooperate such as co-parenting (parenting has mostly been my domain to the kids benefit - but sometimes it's form over function) and as business partners. I also told her I care about her as a person (again true to an extent - I feel sorry for her "condition".

I told her that the divorce will take place with or without her cooperation. If she doesn't cooperate it'll happen anyway but it'll be much more expensive, time consuming and harmful to our post-divorce relationship. At this point she simply needs to provide financial info from her end and return here for a settlement conference. She replied that she will not ask to save the marriage anymore and carry out her responsibility.

I have significant leverage in terms of our business which is connected to her career and title (which is extremely important to her). She knows she stands to do much better financial, career-wise and as far as her relationship with her kids goes if she cooperates with me. Again, I've spent the past 20+ years building our businesses. I have several new business opportunities that I plan to pursue once the divorce is finalized but I need money from our shared businesses to take care of the kids for the next 2 years and while they're in college. I also, need 2 ~ 3 years to get a new business not involving her off the group and profitable.

I'm visualizing her signing the divorce decree and us resolving assets and continued operation of our business before this date next month.

[catnap]

I'm visualizing her signing the divorce decree and us resolving assets and continued operation of our business before this date next month.

Sending positive thoughts your way! 

Just a reminder since she will be using your house for a bit, remove all important paperwork.  I have read a lot of stories of stbx and ex's snooping when given a chance. 

[Jai Yen]

I've been working on that today. I making sure to remove anything that can cause problems. Thanks for the positive vibes!