How do I protect myself

[tayana]

My partner and I are in the process of splitting up.  We are still living together for now, but I am ready to move on.  We have a young child, who is 2, between the two of  us.  She has threatened several times to take him and leave.  We are not married, though we have a civil union in Illinois, but that is not legal where we currently leave.  We are a same sex couple.  I am the child's biological mother and no adoption has ever taken place.  My partner is not on the birth certificate, although he does have her last name.

Although she has no legal rights to this child, I am afraid she will take him and leave and deny me access.  She is talking about moving, but wants to take him with her.  I told her if she wanted to move, that was fine, but the baby needed to stay in his home with his brother and we could work out visitation, etc.  She really wants me to sign over all my rights, and swears I promised to do this, although I never made such a promise.

She has been in and out of the hospital over the past six months, and is currently suicidal and has cut herself while home with the boys.  I don't trust her at all, and I really want this whole nightmare over with.

If we were to go to court, does she have any legal way to get custody of the baby?

How binding is the civil union, and do we need to have it dissolved?  What rights if any does that give her as far as property, custody, etc?

She is currently living in my home, but is not on the deed for the house?  If I wanted her to leave, do I need to do anything other than ask her to?

She was just diagnosed with BPD and has been doing ECT treatments, but is supposed to find a DBT provider.  If she does not actively pursue these treatments, should I take any action as far as her being home with my kids?

Is there any way I could get copies of her medical records, so I can find out how much of what she is telling me about her doctor visits is true?  She admitted to a suicide attempt in the hospital, but I think she deliberately ordered food so she would have a severe allergic reaction.  I'm not sure they were aware of it.  She admitted that she still wants to die and can't feel anything, and I don't want that around my boys.  Am I out of line if contact her doctors?

I am trying to be supportive because I do care about her, but I've begun to realize there's nothing I can do to help her.  The feelings of love I had for her are deepening into resentment and anger, even though she swears I have no reason to be mad at her.  Hopefully someone has been in this position before and can offer advice.

[momtara]

Have to leave work so I'll respond quickly.  I am going thru a divorce - not exactly the same thing.  Courts these days try to make sure children see both parents.  She could get 50/50 custody.  I advise you to carry a tape recorder and keep a journal of things.  It is sometimes hard to prove someone's illnesses, and courts really do want both partners to see the kids.  They don't want to mess up the status quo.

As for her taking the kid and split - you should look up some family lawyers that give free consultations about preventing this.  It has happened before.  There's someone on this board whose husband took their baby for 30 days, although this of course made him look bad in the end.  It's a tough situation.  I don't really know what her rights and your rights are in your case.  I hope someone here can help.  But try not to give into the fear and intimidation.  Just try to make sure you are around and available.  I wonder if there's an injuction you can file to keep her from leaving with the kid, but I'm njot sure.  Family law varies from state to state, at least slightly.  A local lawyer can help.

[livednlearned]

If your civil union is not legal where you live, I don't think she has parental rights. You may not have to worry about a custody battle, but ask an L just to be sure. Consultations are usually free or cost a small amount (as opposed to a retainer, which can be thousands). Ask how to have someone evicted from your home -- for married couples, in my state there are laws about how to do this. There is probably something similar for you in your home state about having someone legally required to move out. If you do that, start a thread here about what to think about when you ask her to leave. You may want law enforcement to do a domestic assistance visit to make sure she doesn't harm you or herself.

If you have lived in your town/county/state for longer than 6 months, those are the laws that apply. If she has no parental rights and takes the child across state lines, that would technically be kidnapping.

I don't think you can contact her doctors because of HIPPA laws. Same for her medical records.

Even though it's hard, and you may still have feelings for her, you're doing the right thing. Let her get treatment and show a genuine effort to seek help before allowing her to live in your home around your boys.

[papawapa]

The best thing you can do is contact a family law attorney in your state.

I know that in MN where I live because my ex and I were never married I had no legal rights to our children, despite having signed paperwork when they were born and being listed as the father on their birth certificates. I had to go to court to be adjudicated as their father. I was fortunate that my ex left our children with me and moved out. I was able to file a custody case and get temporary full legal and physical custody. As someone else mentioned if your partner does not have any legal rights to your son and she takes him she would be guilty of kidnapping.

As far as removing her from the home there is an eviction process that you will have to follow. You will have to go to court and file for an eviction and your partner will need to be served. It is likely, unless there is a history of domestic violence, that she will have thirty days to vacate the home.

You yourself cannot obtain medical records, but as was also mentioned an attorney should be able to subpoena them. Do not contact her doctors; they won't disclose anything to you.

[catnap]

As the others have advised you need to consult with a family law attorney to see how this would be handled in your area. 

Get important paperwork together (birth certificates, Social Security cards, house deed/mortgage, banking records, income tax records, etc) and put somewhere safe.  Often these are hidden or destroyed by the disordered partner. 

IMPORTANT: DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE CONSULTING AN ATTORNEY. 

[mamachelle]

Hi tayana,

I'll just add to what others have said and agree on consulting an attorney soon that can answer your questions. In custody issues I would get a hard line old school attorney that is not going to waste your time, make mistakes, understands PDs, and can help you right away. With my kids I got one of these guys and he was a bit expensive but he scared my ex BPDH and he knew the judge and system and it made life easier in the long run. Even if you just hire an attorney to write her a letter to leave the house or warning her some serious legal consequence if she tries to do anything with your S it will be worth it.

Have you seen this book:

Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

Many of us lived in fear just prior and right after the split with our exes with BPD. This is the time when the behaviors escalate and worsen. Threats worsen too. Your GF actually sounds a bit like she may be disassociating and could be psychotic so I would keep her away from the kids if possible.

If I remember your little one has some health issues as well right and she could not and has not cared for him much?

I think as others suggested making recordings secretly of her threats- regardless of whether you can use them in court would be a good idea.

You sound exhausted so be careful as you plan for breaking things off. Do you have  a safe place you could stay away from her with your boys for a little while if needed?

Please keep posting.

 mamachelle

[momtara]

 Also, you can get a restraining order if you are in danger, but the laws on those - and what will happen next - are different in each state.

[ForeverDad]

She really wants me to sign over all my rights, and swears I promised to do this, although I never made such a promise.

You made a reasonable offer and she responded with a complete sense of entitlement and all-or-nothing pressuring - all for her or nothing for you.   That is typical BPD behavior.  While you can't afford to ignore her claims, don't let them weaken you or your parenting either.

My ex too made claims that never happened.  I couldn't reason with unreason and in time I realized the conflict was rising and the marriage had imploded.  Her entitled perceptions and cognitive distortions were so overwhelming though.

Legally she may be in a very weak position, yet she will never recognize it.  Accept that you are no longer an authority to her and therefore the only other authority left - that supersedes even her - is family court.  Find out from an experienced attorney how to proceed.

If you can use her frequent hospitalizations and intensive treatments in court - should it come to that - it will mean a lot, though perhaps not as much as you would expect.

If you don't own a house, you can simply move out and that would avoid the problem of having to evict her, though you might still be legally responsible to some extent for the apartment until the lease ends.

[Waddams]

Sounds to me like legally, the child is all yours, and since you're in a place where marriage/civil union is not recognized, her living in your home and not being on the deed makes her your tenant.

I don't think you'll have to do much besides just have her evicted.  I don't see much anything else.  You shouldn't need to divorce, the child and home are legally solely yours, etc.  If she continues to harass you, you can seek a restraining order.

I think sometimes BPD's through so much crap at us it confuses us and we end up making simple situations more complicated than they really are.

As others have said, though, consult a family law attorney and confirm everything.

[livednlearned]

If you don't already have a T, I highly recommend getting one during this process. Ending a relationship like this is serious business, and you need someone with skills in this to help you get through. Especially if your ex is making attempts to get treatment, while also attempting to commit suicide. That has to just mess with your head.

You may be in a really good situation, legally. For me, leaving the relationship was the second hardest thing I've ever done. The hardest thing I've ever done is deal with BPD in the court system. Talk about a nightmare.

[tayana]

Unfortunately, I do own the house.  I wish I didn't.  I would simply take my kids and move.  She won't move, no matter how toxic she thinks the environment is.  She says I have set her up so that she has nothing and can't leave, which isn't true.  I would gladly sign over a car to her and let her go just so I can live in my own home in peace.  She even tried to say I agreed to let her girlfriend who is in prison move in with us, when I didn't. 

I am looking for an attorney to set up a consult with.  I just want this nightmare over with.  I wish I had listened to my gut when we first met and not gotten involved, but it was partly I developed feelings for her and part that I felt sorry for her.  I wanted to make her happy, now she accuses me of ruining her life when I gave her home when she homeless, paid for her car before it was reposessed and tried to figure out ways that she could earn money and stay at home.  These were all things she says are "Chains" to keep her with me and tie her down.  According to her she quit her job, when she was fired, moved out of her apartment, when she was evicted, and gave up her life for me.  I never asked for that.  I just thought I'd found someone to spend my life with.

[ForeverDad]

Depending on where you live, there may be rigid rules on how to do an eviction.  Sadly, it too is a process and not an event.  Don't take shortcuts, get legal advice.  Yes, it sucks that you would have to pay a lawyer, but a DIY eviction could be sabotaged in so many ways that it could create legal expenses anyway, so best to make sure you do it right from the start.

[Waddams]

i think the eviction process is similar in most places, at least the statutes are similar.  it's probably enforced differently though.

here, you file.  then there's a hearing.  at the point the judge rules to evict or not.  once the ruling is done, then you have some more hoops to jump through until you can go present the tenant and sheriff with a writ of dispossession (name might vary a bit from place to place).  the writ is the document everything builds up to gtting and is what orders the sheriff to go forcibly remove the evicted tenant.

in cases like this, it might be best to hire a lawyer that is experienced with eviction laws.  it's easy to run afoul of landlord tenant law out of ignorance, and end up in a bad position as a landlord.  tenants have rights, and the proper way of eviction sometimes varies between tenants on formalized leases, or tenants "at will" which is where someone has a residence with you but not a signed lease.  i believe your STBX would be considered a tenant at will since she's been there for an extended period of time.

it's a straight forward process for someone that knows how to follow it to evict someone, it just takes time.  here it takes 30-40 calendar days from when you first file the eviction paperwork with the court to when you have a writ of dispossession.

i have seen a few times similar situations to yours (and experienced the same once myself) where there was lots of drama and one person refused to leave, but then when the eviction was filed, the person left almost immediately on their own.  when you disengage from the drama and just act on your own, it seems to help spur action from the other side.  they know they won't be able to fight the eviction, so they just go, and it's over and you can move on.