Learned behavior?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

     In detaching from my psyco ex many questions have came to mind. The one that I am hung up on has to do with boundaries. Ok let me see how anybody else thinks about this.

    We learn our behaviors with relationships from our family units. Mom dad and the kids. This is what I am gleaning from all the psyco babble that I have been reading. We are all human none perfect. Disrespect. We tolerate a certain amount as parents. We give a certain amount as children. We learn that there is forgiveness. We can cross that boundary and we may get a consequence but we won't get kicked out of the family. The family relationship continues. The family doesn't break up. So we learn to tolerate disrespect. Who can say that they broke up with the ex at the first sign of disrespect. Did anyone run at the first sign of trouble? I know without doubt that we all saw the parade of red flags. I know I have boundaries. I know that I have forgiveness. How much disrespect should have been enough?

[Perfidy]

     In detaching from my psyco ex many questions have came to mind. The one that I am hung up on has to do with boundaries. Ok let me see how anybody else thinks about this.

    We learn our behaviors with relationships from our family units. Mom dad and the kids. This is what I am gleaning from all the psyco babble that I have been reading. We are all human none perfect. Disrespect. We tolerate a certain amount as parents. We give a certain amount as children. We learn that there is forgiveness. We can cross that boundary and we may get a consequence but we won't get kicked out of the family. The family relationship continues. The family doesn't break up. So we learn to tolerate disrespect. Who can say that they broke up with the ex at the first sign of disrespect. Did anyone run at the first sign of trouble? I know without doubt that we all saw the parade of red flags. I know I have boundaries. I know that I have forgiveness. How much disrespect should have been enough?

[Moonie75]

I in all previous relationships used to give people three strikes & you're out!

Was quite arrogant in some ways & not in others. It did actually work in stopping me venture too far into dating loons. But I think this most recent one who had me overlook my self imposed rule, managed by me being so sentimental of our meeting. Also she did display more red flags than anyone else but she was also more intriguing than anyone else. I need to work out why I let my curiosity shelve my own defense rules?

I also think I love sex, LOTS OF IT & THE MORE RAMPANT & DOWNRIGHT DIRTY THE BETTER!

That might have tipped the scales a little bit.

[Perfidy]

Ok fine have it your way. Loons then. She was something else for sure. Should I include smoking meth as a red flag? Man... I hope I get my sense of humor back soon. Actually I do feel better more if the time but I still am grieving. I know this because of the depression. The anxiety. I do seem to have slight relief now. It's brief but it gives me hope.

[Learning_curve74]

Perfidy, I don't see it as a matter of disrespect. Parents give kids leeway because they are not just little adults, they are children who are learning how to relate to other people in this world.

The boundaries are for you, not for controlling your partner because you can never really control what another person is going to feel, think, or do -- you can only control your own actions. One boundary may be that you won't accept being yelled at for trivial things (like wearing the wrong clothes  ), so you may decide that when that boundary is violated you won't participate in an argument and will leave the room until she calms down. A different boundary may be that you won't accept being physically attacked, and your choice may be to call the police. Or you might not accept being cheated on, and therefore when that boundary is violated, you'll end the relationship.

I think whether you choose to forgive or be resentful are maybe a separate matter? Maybe it depends on the particular boundary being crossed, something less important to you may be forgiven, something more important might not be forgiven. That's just my thoughts.

[Perfidy]

Learningcurve thank you for replying. This is a tough one for me. I appreciate all input.

As you can see by the words that I chose and the words that you chose to respond with we agree on the learned aspect. Leeway is a weakened form of forgiveness. Appropriate for unlearned consequence. I do completely understand that it is wrong to control another person from a morale point of view. I also know that people can be controlled. People can be controlled with a variety of things. Money,sex,drugs are the big three. Pain is also a whopper. Some people are more resistive to the first three. Everyone responds to pain.

     My boundaries are indeed there for my protection. If I tell you that I have a certain boundary and then you violate that boundary I can forgive you. If I can't forgive you then I will suffer. This suffering is what I experience. I must forgive so that I can have peace in myself. It doesn't mean that it's ok if I forgive, it doesn't mean that I accept the disrespect. It means that I want to have happiness.