Not sure who I hate more right now... him or myself.

[Emelie Emelie]

I just managed to completely humiliate myself with XBPDbf.  Long story short thought I saw his car at restaurant we used to go to next door to a party I was at.  Texted to ask if he was there.  He said no... . but maybe it was someone like me.  I'm just having one more night of staying home getting drunk all by myself.  So idiot me is sucked in and worried and said I can meet you for dinner... . pals.  He replies not what I was going for.  I'm perfectly content.  Thought you'd know the song.  I'm thinking song?  Then I realize he's talking about the Adele song... . where she's totally heartbroken and singing I'll find someone like you.  Punch in the gut.  I am so embarrassed.  A sobbing wreck ONCE AGAIN.  I feel like I'm the crazy one.  I don't even recognize myself.  I just need to get a freaking grip.

[seeking balance]

I just managed to completely humiliate myself with XBPDbf.  Long story short thought I saw his car at restaurant we used to go to next door to a party I was at.  Texted to ask if he was there.  He said no... . but maybe it was someone like me.  I'm just having one more night of staying home getting drunk all by myself.  So idiot me is sucked in and worried and said I can meet you for dinner... . pals.  He replies not what I was going for.  I'm perfectly content.  Thought you'd know the song.  I'm thinking song?  Then I realize he's talking about the Adele song... . where she's totally heartbroken and singing I'll find someone like you.  Punch in the gut.  I am so embarrassed.  A sobbing wreck ONCE AGAIN.  I feel like I'm the crazy one.  I don't even recognize myself.  I just need to get a freaking grip.

Oh hon, take a hot bath and let yourself cry. Most of us here have done a version of something we were embarrassed about while we are detaching... . myself included 

We do this until we don't... . I wish there were some other motivation to change besides pain, but I have not seen it.

It will be ok... . when you have calmed down, maybe write down what this dynamic has taught you about your own feeling and needs.

Hang in there,

SB

[Perfidy]

Someone told me that its like a dog f@&!ing a skunk. When it gets tired of the stink he quits doing it. Dunno if that helps but it made sense to me at the time. I guess it's all about the behavior. I find that zero contact works best for me. I have no common connection with my ex. I have no reason to ever speak to her again in my life. no desire either. We cannot be friends. She failed miserably in the friend department. We have no children together. We own no property together. I could care less where she eats. She has never been in a position where she could support me financially, emotionally, or any other way. She is sick and weak. I am strong. I am well grounded and I am a whole person. I need no one to look good. I look good by myself. I can love myself and love others. I hurt because I am healthy and I care. I will heal. I am fortunate. She was so poison for me and now I am free. You be free too. Free from the control that you give away to someone else. Keep it for yourself. You can do better than someone who doesn't care about you. You care about you.

[WalrusGumboot]

Emelie, during my separation and divorce, and the aftermath, I kept this Winston Churchill quote in mind: "When in hell, keep going."

I felt damaged to the point of no repair. I felt like I was in hell, but I knew I could not stay there. I knew something better was down the road, but didn't know what it was or how to get there. I just kept going.

Now when I look back at some old posts or some emails I sent to people during those times, it is like it came from a different person. Time goes a long way in erasing the pain.

You seem to be where I was, so I am encouraging you to forge ahead. Life will get better as long as you don't stop where you are.

Also, me being one who is rather fond of trying to drink my troubles away, I'm sure you know it doesn't work. You have the same problems in the morning, plus feel like garbage.

I wish you well.

[VeryFree]

Did something like that to. Natural thing to do.

I tried to get back together a month after we broke up.

Did that because I thought she wanted that too. Clearly misinterprated her words. She turned me down hard and I know she had lots of fun about it. Back then I felt like you do now.

Since then have learned a lot, about BPD, about myself. And trust me: things will be better.

Take care.

[patientandclear]

Emelie: While globally I completely understand how hard this situation is, I'm not sure what you have to be humiliated about in this story from yesterday ... . sounds like he was saying he was imagining you might find someone like him?

What hurt about what he said exactly?  Doesn't sound like you did anything to have a moment's embarrassment about.

[Emelie Emelie]

Patient and Clear: 

I probably over reacted a bit in the moment.  But what hurt so much about the "song" was that the  she's completely heartbroken and begging him not to forget her.  Saying maybe she'll find "someone like you" knowing full well she won't.  Maybe I read too much into that.  He might have just been playing off the title.

That wasn't the worst of it.  He was saying he was "home alone getting drunk" and I reached out to him... . said let's get together... . and he said nope... . perfectly content.  I just felt so rejected.  Once again.  Which is why I need to stop reaching out to him in general. 

I just miss him so much.  I know he was bad for me.  I know we could never have a healthy relationship.  I know he was a raging a$$hole a lot of the time.  I am trying so hard to detach and I just can't seem to do it.  I am scared by the intensity of my grief over this.  I think there is something fundamentally wrong with me when it comes to relationships.  This thing has triggered insecurities I never knew I had!  I tell myself to stop being a weak sobbing mess and get a grip and start taking care of myself.  I'm smarter than this.  I'm acting like a victim.  I'm acting pathetic.  I am embarrassed.  I am acting nuts.  I am not taking care of my house.  I am going through the motions at work.  I just want this pain to stop.  And I know one of the first steps in that is NOT contacting him.  But I keep breaking down and doing it.

[tailspin]

Em,

You don't have to hate either and you certainly don't have to hate yourself for being human and reaching out.  I kept doing this too until one day I realized I was more important than he was.  It really was as simple as that.  It's ok to put yourself first; we've forgotten how, haven't we.

It took me hitting rock bottom to realize this because when you're at the bottom... . the only way back is up.  I think you're doing great so don't be so hard on yourself.  One day you will look back at all this and laugh. We all will.

tailspin

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Tailspin - I don't really hate him.  Kinda wish I could  .  I do hate the way I'm behaving.  And I hate, hate, hate that I keep contacting him.  I'm definitely not doing great... . but thanks for the vote of confidence.   I just hope that all this pain will lead to figuring some things out about myself. 

[Just Stumbling Along]

I'm new to this board, but have been going through this for a while.  I kept hoping for my uBPD stbXW to contact me and making excuses to contact her.

I think that what finally helped me was when I realized that what I was attracted to, and was so miserable about not having, was not real and never had been.  Of course I was deeply in love with her.  She had taken the sum of everything that I believe is good or noble or decent and reflected that back at me.  But none of it was ever true.  I was allowed to experience just enough to make me want more.  It was really just the ultimate unattainable goal. 

[danley]

Thanks Tailspin - I don't really hate him.  Kinda wish I could  .  I do hate the way I'm behaving.  And I hate, hate, hate that I keep contacting him.  I'm definitely not doing great... . but thanks for the vote of confidence.   I just hope that all this pain will lead to figuring some things out about myself.  

OK... . so all of us here went thru this or are currently going thru this. Wanting to reach out and contact him or have him contact you... . both painful but not abnormal. I have been in your shoes. It's like an addiction. It's the only way to explain it. I relate it to me trying to quit cigarettes... . my ex being the cigarettes. So basically if my ex were cigarettes... . .Even tho I know it's not good for me, I crave it. When I'm feeling down or anxious I want a cigarette. But i know its not good for me. I'm addicted to every part of that cigarette. But I know it's not good for me.  I have a sense of comfort knowing I have the cigarettes in my pocket if I want to reach for them. But i know its not good for me. The way the cigarette touches my lips and the great sense of relief and sensation I get when I light up is exhilarating. But I know it's not good for me. The slow inhalation of smoke fills my body and makes me feel intoxicated and calm at the same time. But I know it's not good for me.  Exhaling slowly makes me feel like I'm in a daydream of pure bliss as I lose myself in the fog of smoke floating in front of me. But I know it's not good for me... . but i still have urges for that cigarette/ex. It's an addiction and it's a hard habit to break especially if it's something that gives you pleasure or a sense of comfort. You become a fiend. Just like making or not making contact, it's easier to wean yourself off slowly. Or if you're hard core you can go cold turkey. Don't hate yourself. It's not easy kicking a habit. Trust me, I know.

[Lao Tzu]

Hi BPD Family,

     This is such an important thread.  It would be nice if we could just say "This is stupid!  I don't do stupid things, so I won't do this.  End of story."  Of course we wouldn't have many posts on this site  and they all would be: "Just change what you're doing and feeling. Have a nice day."

      We're not robots and this meeting of the attachment disordered pwBPD and the detachment disordered "non" leads to a great deal of rather nonintelligent behavior on our part.  My expectation for myself is that I will continue to think stupid things and do stupid things, just less frequently.  Maybe it's the same with you.  Eventually we will be able to file this r/s away like others in our lives (when we get sufficiently tired of the smell ).  My guess is that there will always be some silly stuff in our heads, though.

       If it's any help, the 'trick' to ending this obsession is to quit the habit of beating yourself up.  When you can figure out how to always be nice to yourself because you genuinely feel you deserve it you can live in the love (for real) that the pwBPD pretended to create for you.  You can do it; start by understanding what needs they filled for you.  We're all here for you.

LT