Why have I stayed for years.

[Theo41]

I'm wondering if there's a special phenomenon which occurs that causes us to stay in a relationship when neutral observers might or do say things like:

1. You don't deserve that.

2. Why do you allow her to talk that way to you. You need to take her to the woodshed for some strong talk.

3. You must be getting something out of it.

4. You deserve better. Are you safe? You might want to pack and leave.

My guess is because:

1. It's not all bad. 50-85% is good. ( it's just very bad when it's bad)

2. She's smart and attractive and charismatic

3. She won't let me go. She "recycles" me back in ... . with threats if necessary.

4. She tells me she loves me . I'm the center of her life. She can be giving and appreciative. (she's a study in extemes: very good or very bad.)

When the opportunity to leave is there, I have not taken it. After I say "why didn't I "

Anyone have any helpful ideas as to why I seem to resist exiting even when it gets very bad.

Thanks. Theo

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaybeSo]

There are two options/questions:

Why do we stay (for years)?

Usually we have some of our own family of origin issues that makes  unhealthy dependency feel  attractive or normal to us. On your list of good things about her... . you state you are the center of her universe.  There's a clue. The questions your friends ask "why do you let her speak to you that way etc" points to boundary violations that the average person would find unappealing. Poor boundaries show up a lot in these relationships, for both the pwBPD and the "non".

You might want to read up on codependence.

So, then the other question is

Why stay without making changes to help make things better?

Many of us didn't know we could improve things by changing ourselves and taking steps to

be healthier for ourselves. But, you can, and that's what this board helps you to do!

Good luck!

[Cipher13]

THEO41

Sounds like familiar. I too wonder the same things. She has removed a lot of the outside world from my life and in that I have not had other people say "why does she do that" or "why does she say that to you" type of thing. I had to observe others relationshipd to see that hey that isn't how it is in mine. That seems better.  I know that i no "real" way to guage any relationship. I also have realized I let it get that way and helped contribute to that. Unknowingly of course. How ever says hey I'd like to be yelled at and berated.

So why do I put up with it? Why am I scared to move on?  My opinion or feeling or even fear is that it won't change anything in my life or even get worse. I will feel guilty for leaving her. She has made it so I am her support styructure and to leave something that vulnerable is difficult. Plus if I did decide to leave I don't think I woul dever truly be away or out of the realtionship. I also fear her doing or saying the samethings from out side the realtionship to get at me and to get me back into it.

You are right that when things are good more than 50% of the time its easier to stay. If it were 75 to 100% bad then leaving is much easier.

[Vindi]

=we feel we deserve to be treated a certain way

think its love... . and love will keep us together

putting up with things, even though we say we will leave, this means setting *firmer boundaries* and sticking with them

sometimes love is truly blind

yes, you have choices to leave, but you stay for a reason, dig deep and find out that reason, maybe hoping things will change down the road, how long are you willing to take for these changes to happen?

and yes, I know alot has to do with codependency, huge factor

try working on yourself, be real with you answers to yourself and ask yourself if you really are truly happy, and make necessary changes

within yourself, you can't change others but you can change the way you want to have your life and what you will and will not put up with.

Know you are not alone!

[SadWifeofBPD]

Yes, many of us ponder this question.  I think there's a thread about this same issue.

Yes, outsiders wonder why we stay.  I've had some friends/family tell me that they understand why I stay because of the financial ties (married 28 years, jointly owned properties and assets).  We also have 2 kids.  We'd have financial ruin if we split up, and we're too old to re-earn that money.  H wasn't too bad early in our marriage, but he became an alcoholic about 10 years ago and things started getting worse and worse.  The last 3-4 years have been ridiculous.  H has been to rehab, but won't stop drinking, even tho he knows (and says) that he should. 

I am working on firmer boundaries and using SET and DEARMAN.

[Theo41]

Thanks everyone for your feedback, support and suggestions. Lots of help her and hope for improvement (validation, boundaries,etc.) Theo

[yeeter]

Great question Theo, and an important one to ask yourself.  Because there are reasons you stayed (not always good ones, but reasons none the less).  

Understanding why you stayed, along with how you got into the relationship in the first place, will be quite valuable to understanding yourself.  Which will help you navigate going forward.  Since some of the reasons you stayed will be hurdles for your own improvement/path forward.

You are definitely not alone.  It took me over two years to develop a clear and honest answer to that question.

[Alfalffasgirl]

I think we stay because we know that if BPD weren't present the relationship just might be perfect. AND since it is NOT really their fault they have BPD we might feel guilty for holding it against them. We love them so we sympathize with their condition. It's heartbreaking to know that however bad they make us feel it has to make them feel so much worse for making us feel that way. Sad story.

[Cipher13]

I think we stay because we know that if BPD weren't present the relationship just might be perfect. AND since it is NOT really their fault they have BPD we might feel guilty for holding it against them. We love them so we sympathize with their condition. It's heartbreaking to know that however bad they make us feel it has to make them feel so much worse for making us feel that way.

So true. We had a huge episode last night. If an outsider was looking in for the first time they would probabley have been completely shocked that I did not shout back or call names back. That they would say why did you just take it and not fire back... . beacuse those words are not really what is going on in there. Those words are used to get me to react. You have to get past that and understandwhat is really behind it. And oh man is it difficult to handle. It is draing and taxing. And even now I feel I want to walk away from it. But I don't or I can't.

[Alfalffasgirl]

I am in that same boat Cipher 13.

When do we know when enough is enough... . how do we walk away when we still love them?

[Cipher13]

I told myself she will leave first. I don't wan tot be the one that shows they didn't love the other to stay. Thats what my mindset has always been. She may ahve broken up with me 20 times or more in the 1 1/2years we dated before we got married. After the first couple times I wanted out to. Did I say that... . nope. I said I want ot stay I want to be together. Why when I wanted out then... . so I wouldn't look like i didn't care. Now I am here and I do care but I think I still want out. I just can't do it. I can't be that one that walks out. No matter how much I think I want to.

[yeeter]

Why when I wanted out then... . so I wouldn't look like i didn't care.

For me, I think this starts getting into the heart of it.  Outside perception.  Feeling like I 'should' stick it out.  Fear over being perceived as lazy or not doing the work giving the effort.

And the thing about these type of feelings, is that they are outside reflections of our self.  We let how others might perceive us to take priority over whats really in our own best interest.

Lack of confidence and self worth.  So the work for me was to get that confidence back.  Get strong, both emotionally and physically (still a work in progress).  Trust in your own decisions.  Feel good about yourself and own your feelings - no matter what the outside world might think.  (its good to calibrate as a reality check, but sometimes we do that over and over and try to get every single person to calibrate with - to the point that we lose ourselves in it and can no longer make a decision and feel good about it, knowing that we are capable and competent in assessing whats healthy for us, and overcoming the fear of the unknown/change needed to improve our life)

Its not a competition.  It doesnt matter who is the first to stand up and say it isnt working.  Or healthy even.

[Skip]

We mate with our emotional equals.  This is Bowen "family systems" theory - developed by Murray Bowen, M.D. in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s when he was a psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic. After his time at Menninger’s, he moved to the National Institute of Mental Health, to Georgetown University Medical Center and finally established the Georgetown Family Center in Washington, D.C.  Bowen's theories are at the base of much of what is taught in family therapy.

An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select ... . partners who have the same level of emotional maturity. Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D

We mate with our emotional equals.  

A relationship is about two people - as are the relationship problems. 

A hallmark of a BPD relationship is emotional immaturity by both partners. Its not about "good people" (us) and "bad people" (them) - if we're totally honest, many of us acted badly too.  

So the solution starts with us.