Its just hard

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Its been 12 days of NC.  I have good days and bad days.  I just miss her.  I am back to wondering if she is thinking about me and missing me.  I have not  wondered this in a while.  But the last few days it has been on my mind.  I am back to is she with him?  I feel like I have stepped backwards.  I know it is normal but it sucks.  I just want to move on and I am but and every day I make progress.  My T says I am clearer now than I have ever been... . funny I don't feel clearer right now.  I feel stuck in the same depressed place. 

[willtimeheal]

Its been 12 days of NC.  I have good days and bad days.  I just miss her.  I am back to wondering if she is thinking about me and missing me.  I have not  wondered this in a while.  But the last few days it has been on my mind.  I am back to is she with him?  I feel like I have stepped backwards.  I know it is normal but it sucks.  I just want to move on and I am but and every day I make progress.  My T says I am clearer now than I have ever been... . funny I don't feel clearer right now.  I feel stuck in the same depressed place. 

[Reg]

WillTimeHeal,

No worries, you'll get there !  It takes time like all wounds to heal. It is important to get out of your house, see friends, pick up your hobby, listen to uplifting music, go to the movies, etc.  Don't stay between the four walls of your house.

Don't worry about her, care about yourself, learn the lesson why you did get this far, and finally you will move on with your life. 

We've all been there, we all had to get back upon our feet.  Take care ! And do something just for yourself tonight !

Reg

[willtimeheal]

I feel like I have been strugling in the same cycle for 4 and a half months.  I feel good then I feel like crap.  I get out, I go places, I see my friends but it is so unfullfilling.  I try not to worry about her but at times it just consumes me.  I will never let her know she has done this to me or made me this sad and pathetic.  I will never giver her that power or satisfaction but what I would give to just hear from her. 

I post on other peoples boards to hang in there it will get better. That what they are feeling is normal.  It will get better.  Get out, see people, forget about them... . I am such a hypocrite.  All I want is my BPD girl. 

After everything she has put me through and how she has treated me, why can't I stop loving her? 

She left me when I needed her the most and moved in with a guy.  She text me two weeks ago and says she is miserable and loves me but won't tell him.  It is killing me.  Why hasn't she contacted me?  Why can't she tell him the truth about how she feels?  Does she even know how she feels or is it just a game to her?  I feel so strong and good some days but then I just fall apart.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.   

[Reg]

WillTimeHeal,

You're not a hypocrite, you're just a human being that was hurt.  And hurt severely.  You are supportive for others here, and you have moments with ups and downs, been there myself.

We have to face it, our BPD's are not going to change, we are not going to change them.  You know it, I know it, we all somehow now it.  But we have to dare to face it as well. 

Loving someone is not a switch from a light that can be turned on or off.  Not for us nons, not even for the borderlines who see us an object, not as a person.  So it hurts, it needs time to heal.

I'm sorry to say so, but your BPD girl doesn't know how you feel, because she doesn't feel love the same way we do.  So it is impossible for her to understand also how she feels.  She doesn't know it.  Sne needs help, it is not a game to her either, she suffers but in a very different way, a way that is unknown to us.

I published my book early this week, in my own language, it ends with one line, forever in my heart, but never again in my life.  It is much to toxic, and if they don't seek help, it is of no use.  We have to let go of them, and they of us. 

You are the lucky one, you know why you have to let go, she doesn't.  So hold on to that luck.  You get a new chance in life, accept it, embrace it.  A day at the time.  It gets better, believe it !

I'm not always good with words, and that as an author, , but I do hope this helps a bit !

Reg

[willtimeheal]

Thanks Reg

I am in such a funk. I spent most of the day crying. I know I should be happy that I am free of her and the drama and hurt she brings but I just miss her so much. I found  myself today checking her Facebook page. I am waiting for it to say she is in a relationship with this new person. Every time my phone beeps I jump and hope it is her. I have gone backwards today and it is okay. I just hate how our heart and mind plays tricks on us. I feel good and then boom I am so depressed.  It hits out of no where. I have been thru a lot in my life and I have always viewed myself as a strong person but I have never felt so hopeless and weak. This BPD break up is kicking my a$$ 

[Perfidy]

We could be the same person! Seriously?, this is too weird. You just described my feelings exactly! Four and a half months. She took a huge crap on me. I miss her? What is wrong with me! Depression? Anxiety? I should be celebrating! The curse has been lifted

[willtimeheal]

Perfidy

It gets better. I actually drove past her house today. Haven't pulled that one in quite a while. She wasn't home so my mind starts to race and wonder what  She is doing who she is with. It's crazy!  It seems my depression and anxiety increase on the weekends. Especially when I know the kids are not with her. Then my stress level increases cuz I know she is with him. Why do I care?  All she brought me was  heartache and pain. But I miss her and so desperately want her back. weekends are tough and it has been 12 days since she contacted me. This is is the longest she has ever gone. I am so scared she doesn't think about me anymore. Unbelievably crazy!

[Perfidy]

Dude... . I blocked her Facebook. Been no contact for months. Decided to burn the bridge. She took a fricken MASSIVE dump on me. I was with her for almost eight years! I still think about her all the time. You can read part of my story in my most recent post... Sick of myself... Seriously I almost feel like I'm obsessed but I really DON'T want anything to do with her! At the same time I'm destroyed. It is a battle between my head and my heart. STUPID heart!

[willtimeheal]

I was with her for a little over four years. I feel like I am obsessed too. Like I am addicted to her. And she is no good for me. I should be doing the happy dance that she is someone else's problem but yet here I sit depressed and missing her. I hear you on the stupid heart. Either my heart is stupid or I am stupid or both. Right now I am pretty sure  it's both.  I want to be with someone who treated me like $hit. I am destroyed too. I wonder if I will ever get out of this funk and off this roller coaster of emotions. I am so sick of the ride.

[Perfidy]

Some thoughts. This sickness. It seems to be the result of the combination of two people together. The cure? Being alone? Is that the cure? Time? If time is the answer and this crap won't leave me for years my life won't be worth living. Get zen about it? Stop having desire and suffering will end? Pray? To a supernatural being and acknowledge the evil? I do know that forgiveness helps. Compassion? Hard to find compassion for someone that has no remorse. Look at it as a sickness and feel sorry for them? I wish I was that big. Mean while she's with her new dude laughing it up and living it up in a new and exciting romance I'm suffering like I have been thrown into the lake of fire. What a joke.

[willtimeheal]

I don't know what the cure is. And I read on these boards how people are still struggling years after their breakup and it scares me to think that this can take years to get over. I don't want to live like this for years down the road. I ended up getting antidepressants and they help a little but I still have massive anxiety. I see my therapist every week.  I am working on me but it just isn't getting better. It pains me knowing that she is living it up with her new bf and I am here heart broken. Some days are better than others but there are still way too many that I spend thinking about her and I spend depressed. I hate living in this funk. I am suppose to have surgery but I am rescheduling it. I need to go back to work. I can't sit home for two months recovering. I need to be busy and to work or I will just sit here and think about her. I do not like how this is consuming my life. I just want to be that happy loving person I was before. Will I ever know that person again?

[willtimeheal]

Now I am just feeling angry and losses off!  I hate her for not contacting me and for leaving me and putting me in this hell. And I am angry at myself for letting her do this to me. I am not this miserable person!

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Reg

I am in such a funk. I spent most of the day crying. I know I should be happy that I am free of her and the drama and hurt she brings but I just miss her so much. I found  myself today checking her Facebook page. I am waiting for it to say she is in a relationship with this new person. Every time my phone beeps I jump and hope it is her. I have gone backwards today and it is okay. I just hate how our heart and mind plays tricks on us. I feel good and then boom I am so depressed.  It hits out of no where. I have been thru a lot in my life and I have always viewed myself as a strong person but I have never felt so hopeless and weak. This BPD break up is kicking my a$$ 

I'm with you.  The funk.  The leap at the phone.  The worrying he's with someone else.  The a$$ kicking.  Thought I was stronger than this.  I hate it all.

[willtimeheal]

I'm with you.  The funk.  The leap at the phone.  The worrying he's with someone else.  The a$$ kicking.  Thought I was stronger than this.  I hate it all.[/quote]
I know she is with someone else. She set up a whole new life with someone behind my back while we were together. It is killing me because she texts me and says she wants and loves me but I am not stupid. I do realize that it has been 13 days since she contacted me (and I will not contact her) and during that time she has been with him. If she really loved and wanted me she would have left him and been with me. It's just a hard thing to stomach and it hurts so deeply.

[willtimeheal]

Woke up this morning in a full blown panic and tears. 14 days and I have not heard from her. I am not stupid I know it is over but I am having the hardest time accepting it. In her texts to me she gave me hope and now I get complete silence from her. The silence is what hurts. Just tell me you are through. But these little glimmers of hope are killing me. I absolutely hate my life right now. How can anyone be so cruel?  This roller coaster is too much. Two weeks ago I was fine. Feeling good. Now I am back to not eating or sleeping and crying. I think about her all the time. What gives?  Does this ever end?  When does the point come when I don't care?  Honestly as.much as I miss and love her I absolutely hate her at this moment.

[Emelie Emelie]

I totally understand.  I think I even posted about how much I hated him once .  I'm having a very hard time accepting that my relationship is over too.  Friday was a pretty good day for me.  I was really hurt by a text exchange we had on Thursday night and on Friday I was in an F him place.  Yesterday I was a mess.  Sobbing all day again.  Obsessing. 

I know I can't go back to my relationship... . even if he would have me.  I've said here before that I do know this pain will end at some point.  If I go back it will never end.  I've had my frantic moments when I feel like I'd do anything to have him back.  But in my heart I know I can't.  And that's given me some peace.  Because this is something to get through.  The pining and yearning for him will diminish eventually.

Getting her back will be a temporary relief.  Please think about whether you want someone who is "so cruel".  Who keeps you on a roller coaster.  How many times do you want to go through this?  I'm no one to give advice... . I've been a freaking mess myself.  I'm just saying for me it helps to know it's over. 

[willtimeheal]

My mind knows it is over its my heart that is having a difficult time accepting it. I know I have to stop obsessing and stop thinking about her. One thing I have struggled with is I am friends with her children on FB. This keeps me connected to them. I don't want to hurt them (I love them very much) but when I go on FB and see their names it just breaks my heart all over again.  What do I do?  I need to delete them for my own sanity don't I?  I don't want to hurt them but seeing their pages hurts me and sets me back and puts me in this depression. Any advice?

[Perfidy]

Might help you to temporarily block the kids from Facebook. It is YOU that you need to think about now. If its too painful then you have answered yourself. I had the same problem. Head knows heart won't listen. It's hard now but it will get easier. Just give the kids an explanation. I personally don't recommend really trying to be friends with them. That's just how I am though. If I have to be tough for me then that's what I have to do. I have no compelling reason to be attached to ANY part of my exes life. I want to heal. I want to feel good and feel good about MYSELF. For me that means pouring gasoline on the bridge and tossing a match. Scorched earth! 

[willtimeheal]

I am just a mess today. I have all sort  of emotions going on. One moment I am crying like a baby then I am angry as hell. I am all over the place. I feel that everything in my life has finally caught up to me. My bPD break up my personal internal struggles just everything. Like everything I have been juggling finally fell and it is just all around me. God help me.

[Learning_curve74]

I am just a mess today. I have all sort  of emotions going on. One moment I am crying like a baby then I am angry as hell. I am all over the place. I feel that everything in my life has finally caught up to me.

Virtual hug time! 

When your emotions are going all over it's extra difficult. I've felt the same for over a month now. BPD behaviors aren't called crazy-making for nothing! You just have to hang in there, right?

Remember it's not you. As a human being, you are not merely the result of what happens to you. Awful things happen to everybody. You always have the choice to choose a path of growing and healing. It's not necessarily easy, but I believe it's worth it!