Verge of breaking "no contact"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm on the verge of breaking No contact. It's 6 days today.

I've written the message i want to send, just asking if she wants to meet for a drink as i miss talking to her & it would be good to catch up.

I know i shouldn't send it, but i really want to contact her.

[Eric1]

I'm on the verge of breaking No contact. It's 6 days today.

I've written the message i want to send, just asking if she wants to meet for a drink as i miss talking to her & it would be good to catch up.

I know i shouldn't send it, but i really want to contact her.

[Perfidy]

Do it. You will get tired of the pain. I went through that. Part of the grieving process. Bargaining.

[Eric1]

I'm more at the acceptance that its over, but scared by it. I don't want to let her go.

[Reg]

Eric1,

Let's say you do it, will she miraculousy heal ?  Be another person ? What will it solve ? What will change ? Will she change ?  And why do you not want to let go of her, the most important question !

Do yourself a favour I could not do for myself at the time, I didn't know about the BPD, answer these questions for yourself or here in the topic.  Be honest with yourself.  Nobody will critize you on your answers if you post them here, we've all been there.

And make that list with all the things that you allowed her and yourself of going way over your bounderies.  Take the confrontation as I did.  It helps !  And when in doubt, look again at it.

Reg

[Eric1]

Shes uBPDex, so i don't even know if she has it.

It's difficult to explain. She was not only my bestfriend, but she felt like my soulmate. Cheesy, i know.

Gutted. Absoloutly gutted.

[Scout99]

Hi Eric!

I feel with you and the pain you are going through... . 6 days can feel like an eternity at times like these... .  

Sending the message or not is entirely up to you.

Choosing how to respond or not is entirely up to her... .

Sometimes remaining in no contact is what is the least painful, but then again when the break is so fresh, sometimes we are just not ready to commit ourselves to no contact and if so that causes pain too... .

Since the response to such a note is entirely up to her, it might be helpful to ask yourself some questions to remain as true as we can to ourselves at such times though... . Questions like;

What can I expect, knowing what I know up to now, from her at this point?

Will I get out of sending this message what I aim for?

What am I really aiming for?

Are my expectations realistic?

How will I feel if she chooses not to respond or if dysregulated rage will be what I am met with?

No matter what you choose, we are here for you and want to support you. Part of accepting the end of a relationship is the intellectual acceptance but another part is accepting it emotionally. Not until we are ready to accept it from both aspects we can say we are truly in acceptance. And only you will know when that has taken place in you... .

What I am trying to say here is, yes, it may sting even worse if her response will be a negative one, but then again if so, it will sometimes be easier to reach the point of full acceptance if we put ourselves through that. Then again in some cases it is best not to... .

If you want to dig into it further before making up your mind, we are here for you... . So keep venting and keep processing it with us here.

Best wishes

Scout99

[Undone123]

Breaking no contact is your call, man I broke it loads... .

What helped me was this board. You need to try and see through the soul mate, best friend stuff (I know it is tough)

If it is BPD then she more than likely mirrored you during idealisation... . What you saw in her was your own reflection. In the run up to the break up with my ex she shouted at me once, "YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH I CHANGED FOR YOU"... . Before I new what BPD was, I naturally thought that was a bit of an odd thing for her to say. On reflection, she wasn't the person I thought. She was mirroring me, or being the person she thought I wanted to be with during the idealization phase, and made changes to her behavior based on me without my knowledge... .

Bottom line, if your ex has BPD you will feel like she is your soul mate because she reflected your qualities. It is mirroring, and it will keep you hooked unless you really look into it.

I also thought mine was my soulmate and best friend. But a soul mate is another person being themselves and a best friend doesn't disclose all your secrets and personal information at the drop of a hat either.

[Eric1]

It's daft, because we did use to finish each other sentences. We would make the same jokes at the sime time, and be thinking the same things at the same time. I don't think she was mirroring me, i think she was compatible. Obviously, apart from the rages.

I've asked a buddy to go drinking tonight, so i've bought a new shirt to look good and hopefully it'll take my mind off things.

The message i've wrote, is "Hey (Ex Name) Fancy meeting for a drink soon? It's cool if you can't, no dramas.I miss talking to you& it would be good to catch up"

Does that sound desperate?

[Eric1]

If i sent it, don't get a reply or get a no reply, at least i can put it to bed then?

Does that message sound desperate or needy?

[Undone123]

I think that's fine A second would be... .

[Scout99]

If i sent it, don't get a reply or get a no reply, at least i can put it to bed then?

Does that message sound desperate or needy?

From an objective perspective there is nothing in a note like that, that would sound desperate. However, that does not mean she might see it the same way... .  Regardless... . why is that an issue?

Does it have to do with what you might expect her to react?

To answer your other question about being able to put it to bed aftewards, that depends a lot on what, if any, the response might be... . Only you can really answer that... .

If you wont get any reply - will that make you feel confident about putting it to rest then or not?

If she responds with rage - will that put your mind at ease or not?

If she responds with something that doesn't make sense to you, will that put the matter to rest for you then or not?

If you decide not to send it, will that give you peace of mind or not?

Only you know, even though many of us have been and are where you are, it often feel like d*md if you do and d*md if you don't... . But what ever you decide to do that you feel ok about is the right thing to do, at this time.  

Have a great evening out with your friend! New shirt on, excellent choice!  

scout99

[Eric1]

If I don't get a reply. I know it's time to leave it.

If I do get a reply saying no, then I've tried and again, it's time to leave it

If I don't send it, then I'll ask, what if I did.

It's more trying, saying what & how I feel, rather than mulling over it, again & again & again.

[Skip]

Many good comments in this thread!

I'd like to offer a very different perspective - not to counter any of the prior advice - but add more depth to it.

Let's say that you have decided that she is reasonably healthy, the relationship struggles were normal relationship struggles, and there were things you wish you had done differently. In short you want her back.

Is the "wounded puppy" lunch the way to go?

Probably not.

Most relationship coaches would tell you that you have to play this one out. In short, most new relationships fail in the first 90 days, and if you still have standing with her when that occurs, she will contact you or be receptive to your contact.   Trying to reconnect while she is in the “new relationship fantasy” and you are in the “whipped dog” mode is not likely to help your cause. In fact, it will likely close out future opportunity.

A relationship coach would say now is the time for a tactful retreat with strength -  then wait it out - might by 45 days - 90 days - 6 months. In the meantime, reconnect yourself to the man she and other women will be attracted to, that your friends like, that you like - the confident, self-assured, independent Eric 1.  

Doing this not only positions you better for rekindling the old relationship and to stand strong and alone while you grieve -  it also paves the way enter a new relationship.  It's a win-win-win.

"Hey (Ex Name) Fancy meeting for a drink soon? It's cool if you can't, no dramas.I miss talking to you& it would be good to catch up"

This is “whipped dog”.  We all recognize it as we wrote them too.   You might do better to have a friend help with a note or gesture that stands tall and closes this chapter on a up note.

Hey, Gina, enclosed is the $100 I owe you - I didn't want to forget.  And thanks for helping me out when my pup was sick.  You deserve the best.

By the way, a breakup coach would call this "release with grace".

My point is that the best tactic for getting back or moving on is, in a sense, the same tactic.

You will need strength here.  Strength to exit clean, to rebuild, and to not misinterpret a safety net request when they have their first fight as a rekindling of the relationship.  Its time to become a stronger and better skilled relationship partner for your next chapter - whomever that may be.

 

There is work to do.  There is uncertainty that will be hard.

Good mental health is hard at times like this.  It takes strength.  

[Perfidy]

Good lord! I get panic attacks just thinking about going back to my ex! Anxiety!

[Gaslit]

Eric1,

At a bare Minimum, please lose this part!

It's cool if you can't, no dramas.I miss talking to you&

It is soo weak. Seriously lose it. Sorry, for the brutal assessment. By writing this, you are causing problems before they start (mentioning drama, etc). And the 'missing you' part could be a trigger/stress causer for her.

That said, I am guessing if you two were "soul mates" and meant to be, you wouldn't be writing on a web forum about "breaking contact." And you wouldn't be struglling with what to do. You would simply reach out to her like she was a normal person... .

Oh yeah, there in lies the problem.

Sometimes we have to fail over and over to learn. We have all been there.


p.s. Skip had some great advice for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

The thing that got me through the early stages of detachnment was to remember why I left her in the first place; because she was abusive as hell, I was completely tired of her sht, and I was pissed off, so I bailed.  And then of course I would think about when things were great in the beginning and miss her, and need to remind myself over and over that it was critical to remember how it was at the end and not at the beginning, because the beginning was what I had tried to get back to for months and it didn't work.  It doesn't make sense because it's a disorder, it just is, and we need to act accordingly for our own sanity.  And take our word for it, if she is disordered and you go back it will always get worse not better; the only winner is the disorder.

[musicfan42]

I'm going to be blunt here Eric-you're setting up yourself up for failure even writing "No Contact-Day 6" as if it's some ordeal! No Contact is for your OWN benefit-get busy and distract yourself from your ex, focus on yourself. You're a grown man so it's up to yourself what decision you choose to take however I would say that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

I've gone No Contact on a few people because I couldn't stand them anymore-I'm just wondering why you don't feel angry at your ex? I presume that you're here because your BPD ex mistreated you in some way... . forgiveness is totally overrated. I'm not advocating revenge either but I don't think you should be in such a hurry to forgive and forget someone that has hurt you. If I think that I'm going to cave and contact someone that hurt me, then all I have to do is remember all the ways they hurt me... and bam! I don't want to contact them anymore. It's fine to have moments when you want to contact them but it's not a good idea to act on that urge... it's just an impulsive urge and will pass at the end of the day anyways! People talk about anger like it's a bad thing but it can really help you stick to No Contact and navigate your way out of a relationship break-up successfully!

Are you repressing that anger or is it just not there?

If I've offended you Eric, then apologies however I think there's times when all of us, including myself, need some "tough love"!

[Octoberfest]

To echo others, NC is a very personal thing.

I have tried and failed going NC SEVERAL times, but each time there was more and more time in between... . The bottom line is that NC is ONLY going to work if you truly want it to.  If you still pine for contact with your BPDex but are trying to maintain NC, it really is going to end up hurting you even worse I think.  For me, I was only able to truly commit to NC (including FINALLY blocking her number, email, skype, etc) when I decided that enough was enough and that truly, I did not want to hear anymore from her because all it did was make me hurt.  All of the times I broke NC, I don't think I was really committed to moving on.  And that is ok. 

It is one thing to be on this board because you know in your head that it is time to move on.  It is an entirely other thing to be on this board because you believe in your heart that it is time to move on.

Go ahead and reach out to her, if that is what you need.  There is a part in you that still desperately clings to her; again, perfectly normal.  This is ALL a process of letting go of that part, and it is a painful windy path to walk.  You will be able to commit to NC and find yourself not counting the days when you get to a place where you truly believe that NC is the right way to go.

[bondafc]

At the end of my relationship last year

I bought a nice paper notebook and a pen.

At the top of the first page I hand-wrote:

"IT'S NOT OK THAT SHE:... .     "

And below that, in bullet form, I wrote every miserable, selfish, horrible thing she said or did to me.

It filled up almost two pages.

I keep it on my nightstand... .

When I get nostalgic about the "Good Times" we had, or wanting to reach-out to her, I re-read the list.

BTW, hand-writing the list is somehow more "real" than typing it into a computer... .

Respect... .

[me757]

I respectably disagree with some people here regarding contacting her again. If you were addicted to drugs but weren't ready to quit yet, no one would say to give in. BPDexes are drugs and one way or the other we need to break free. The sooner the better. Look at my situation. I found it too hard to go full NC with my uBPDexgf and kept up contact a full 8 months after the break up. We dated for 5 months yet I still was broken 8 months later. I delayed the inevitable. I still am broken after 1 month NC now and it's hard to ignore her calls. Hell, I want to call her now so bad. I'm in the same shoes as you. The problem is that they are the cause of our pain and there is no positive in talking to them. It's gonna take pain to get rid of pain unfortunately. You may not feel ready to let her go but you gotta realize it's over. It needs to be over. These BPD's are toxic and will ruin our lives. Do you want to feel like you do right now 6 months from now? Realize that every time you contact her you are kicking the can down the road. Wouldn't you love to be somewhat over all this by the time the holidays roll by? I know it's hard to let go. I still don't want to but I know deep down that it's the only way to getting back to normal. Think about all the pain your ex has put you though. That won't ever change. There are healthy people out there who will love you and not abuse you. I think you should maintain NC and embrace this pain you feel now. Trust me... you will have to face this no matter what. Life is short. Feel the pain, let yourself heal and grow from this. You will come out of this a stronger person I promise you and because of this, you will find yourself in a better relationship.

[Scout99]

Hi Eric1  

How are you doing? Did you have a great time in your new shirt and out with your buddy last night?

Did you get any wiser from all the very different advice you received in the thread?

As you can see, there really is no right or wrong answer to it, and therefore there will be a great diversity in the responses. The only important thing is really what you think is right for you!

Let us now how you are doing?

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Eric1]

Had a good night! Didnt text her, however, I ended up trying to ring her... . At 4am. Drunk.

Not a wise move. Don't know if I should message her and apologise.

All the advice was great & I am starting to feel better about myself. I'm just trying to remember how she treated me and I know she'll be the same with her new bloke.

[Scout99]

Had a good night! Didnt text her, however, I ended up trying to ring her... . At 4am. Drunk.

Not a wise move. Don't know if I should message her and apologise.

All the advice was great & I am starting to feel better about myself. I'm just trying to remember how she treated me and I know she'll be the same with her new bloke.

Great news! The therapeutic effect of a great night out with good friends and a new shirt may have on us should not be overlooked!

Nice going Eric1!

About the four o'clock call, just write it up among the forgiving notes to self, that we cannot expect ourselves to act perfectly all the time! We are after all only human!

Keep up the good work and keep in touch!

Best wishes

Scout99

[emotionaholic]

I think Skip's advice was the best.  A "tactful retreat" then work on you.  There is no respect in chasing someone who does not want to be chased at this time, it will only add fuel to the dysfunctional fire.  Both parties in a relationship must want to be there.  If there is NC between parties there is a reason for it.  She may not want to be contacted, and needs to work through her own stuff.  You contacting her may very well spark the "I miss him" part in her and she will go to drinks with you and you end up getting together.  But the healing part never was given proper time.  The wounds are still fresh and need time to heal or they just reopen and get infected. 

You need to regain your strength.  Especially the strength that you will be just fine without her.  Irinically it may increase her desire to be with you, but the strength to be fine without her must be true.  Win, win, win as skip said.

I have broken the NC rule while being the whipped puppy more than once, and most times it was met with stonewalling, anger and blaming.  Making me feel even worse.

I am into week 5 of NC and as much as I want to reach out every moment of each day it is getting easier.  When I left just over a month ago, she told me to leave, I did calmly and compassionately tell her that I loved her and that I wanted her in my life.  The rest is up to her.  A healthy relationship takes both parties wanting it.  Forcing, enticing, or convincing the other party to be with you may work in the short term but never for the long haul.

[peas]

My experience with no contact: The first days and weeks are really hard. Like super hard. And relapse is normal. My uBPDbf dumped me in grand manner, a rejection with rage and harsh words and blame. In the past, he would break up with me but after a couple days he would call me and want me back and our relationship seemed stronger than before. But I could tell the last breakup by him he was finally done with me, or done with making any effort to be with me. I left it at that and held out for 10 days NC. Then I texted him to ask if I left anything at his house (I spent weekends with him). He responded with more hate and anger and said to leave him alone and we are over for good.

So I did NC another week or so. And then I tried calling him because I wanted some some civility in our breakup. I didn't want things to end so badly where the last time we were together is the lasting memory of a terrible argument and him throwing my things out. I wanted to talk to him like an adult and try to get some questions answered. I wanted peace and for him to not hate me.

Well, he refused to answer my phone calls. He instead engaged in a text exchange with me and the texts were very hurtful. He said, again, that he wants to be left alone, that I'm a creep and a psycho b***h, and he was going to call the police on me if I didn't leave him alone. He said our relationship was dead from the start (this, from someone who said he wanted to marry me and have his kids), etc.

So be prepared to hear a lot of things you don't want to hear or read. Be prepared for her to tell you to eff-off, that you are vile and that she never loved you and she is happy without you. That's what I got.

Since that last text exchange a month ago, it's been NC and something in my heart and mind refuses to relapse. I am playing a game with myself, which I intend to win, that I will not break NC. Even though I start and end each day thinking of him and us, I am determined to put him behind me and I know NC is the way to go. I would be too embarrassed to break contact. I would feel bad about myself and he would see me as weak.

Today, the sharp pangs of loss are turning to more of a dull ache. Right after the breakup I imagined him moving on with other women -- I am convinced he had women waiting in the wings, his actions pointed to that -- and I had terrible obsession and anguish about it. But lately it hurts less. The pain doesn't last as long during those moments. I know it will be a while before I am able to be healthy and strong again. But my progress is in letting each day go by with no contact and being okay with it.

Sure, I have fantasy thinking that he will contact me a couple months down the line, like others with exBPDs, but I'm not counting on it. I'm prepared for the "worst" (which is actually the best for me), that he is simply done with me forever. I remind myself that I don't want to be someone who doesn't want to be with me.

[Emelie Emelie]

I respectably disagree with some people here regarding contacting her again. If you were addicted to drugs but weren't ready to quit yet, no one would say to give in. BPDexes are drugs and one way or the other we need to break free. The sooner the better. Look at my situation. I found it too hard to go full NC with my uBPDexgf and kept up contact a full 8 months after the break up. We dated for 5 months yet I still was broken 8 months later. I delayed the inevitable. I still am broken after 1 month NC now and it's hard to ignore her calls. Hell, I want to call her now so bad. I'm in the same shoes as you. The problem is that they are the cause of our pain and there is no positive in talking to them. It's gonna take pain to get rid of pain unfortunately. You may not feel ready to let her go but you gotta realize it's over. It needs to be over. These BPD's are toxic and will ruin our lives. Do you want to feel like you do right now 6 months from now? Realize that every time you contact her you are kicking the can down the road. Wouldn't you love to be somewhat over all this by the time the holidays roll by? I know it's hard to let go. I still don't want to but I know deep down that it's the only way to getting back to normal. Think about all the pain your ex has put you though. That won't ever change. There are healthy people out there who will love you and not abuse you. I think you should maintain NC and embrace this pain you feel now. Trust me... you will have to face this no matter what. Life is short. Feel the pain, let yourself heal and grow from this. You will come out of this a stronger person I promise you and because of this, you will find yourself in a better relationship.

I have to remember what you're saying here... . that every time I contact him I'm just extending the pain.  Very good advice.

[Undone123]

My experience with no contact: The first days and weeks are really hard. Like super hard. And relapse is normal. My uBPDbf dumped me in grand manner, a rejection with rage and harsh words and blame. In the past, he would break up with me but after a couple days he would call me and want me back and our relationship seemed stronger than before. But I could tell the last breakup by him he was finally done with me, or done with making any effort to be with me. I left it at that and held out for 10 days NC. Then I texted him to ask if I left anything at his house (I spent weekends with him). He responded with more hate and anger and said to leave him alone and we are over for good.

So I did NC another week or so. And then I tried calling him because I wanted some some civility in our breakup. I didn't want things to end so badly where the last time we were together is the lasting memory of a terrible argument and him throwing my things out. I wanted to talk to him like an adult and try to get some questions answered. I wanted peace and for him to not hate me.

Well, he refused to answer my phone calls. He instead engaged in a text exchange with me and the texts were very hurtful. He said, again, that he wants to be left alone, that I'm a creep and a psycho b***h, and he was going to call the police on me if I didn't leave him alone. He said our relationship was dead from the start (this, from someone who said he wanted to marry me and have his kids), etc.

So be prepared to hear a lot of things you don't want to hear or read. Be prepared for her to tell you to eff-off, that you are vile and that she never loved you and she is happy without you. That's what I got.

Since that last text exchange a month ago, it's been NC and something in my heart and mind refuses to relapse. I am playing a game with myself, which I intend to win, that I will not break NC. Even though I start and end each day thinking of him and us, I am determined to put him behind me and I know NC is the way to go. I would be too embarrassed to break contact. I would feel bad about myself and he would see me as weak.

Today, the sharp pangs of loss are turning to more of a dull ache. Right after the breakup I imagined him moving on with other women -- I am convinced he had women waiting in the wings, his actions pointed to that -- and I had terrible obsession and anguish about it. But lately it hurts less. The pain doesn't last as long during those moments. I know it will be a while before I am able to be healthy and strong again. But my progress is in letting each day go by with no contact and being okay with it.

Sure, I have fantasy thinking that he will contact me a couple months down the line, like others with exBPDs, but I'm not counting on it. I'm prepared for the "worst" (which is actually the best for me), that he is simply done with me forever. I remind myself that I don't want to be someone who doesn't want to be with me.

The best thing about this site, for people with uBPDex's or diagnosed BPD exes who have kept it secret (as I think mine did)... . Is that when I question myself, and amateur diagnosis, I come here and see that the exact same things have happened to others. The STRENGTH that gives is unbelievable.

[Eric1]

I'm not gonna ask her for drinks. I did text today saying that 4am is great time for a chat, sorry about that.

She's replied, haven't read it tho

[fromheeltoheal]

Reading this thread gave me a flashback of how mine ended: after 4 days together, when she was pms-ing which exaggerated everything, she showed me rage, devaluation, and not one speck of affection, basically a royal btch with nothing but a look of pure hatred and disgust on her face, I'd had enough and bailed.  About 3 days later I get a call which I didn't answer, still pissed as hell, and she leaves a voice mail starting "Hi, it's me" in this squeaked little innocent voice, as if everything was just hunky dory.  I'd always known she lives in perpetual chaos, but the contrast between that call and the raging btch I'd spent days with was so extreme, and I'd started to learn about the disorder by then, that the pathology was staring me in the face and there was no more denying it.  What I was mostly was shocked, like how could I have been so snowed, but hey, I fell for it and at least made it out alive.

Good luck man, if she's anything like mine you don't want to go there, and pay attention to whether or not you're being your own worst enemy.

[Eric1]

She replied - it's ok :)It didn't wake me up.You ok?x

Going to Ask if she wants to go for a drink. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.