I'm losing sexual interest, need advice

[joe_schmoe]

My uBPD wife says that she was sexually abused as a teenager. She doesn't know by whom, just that she "thinks" she was. So I believe her. During our whole marriage she has exhibited inklings of sexual issues, but I overlooked them and thought they weren't that big of a deal. Now, years later, she seems to be slowly trying to remove all sexual relations from our marriage.

Most of the time, I have been the initiator of our sexual relations. Every once in a long while, she will initiate, but it is rare. Of course we've discussed it before and while she won't admit it, she has a problem showing me affection. I say she is trying to remove sex from our relationship because she wants to do less and less things in bed and less and less of the time. Of course she does all the things that go along with BPD, (criticizing me when I ask for sex, saying I use her for my own sexual gratification, etc.) But she does enjoy RECEIVING the pleasure when SHE is in the mood. She just refuses to give any affection or sexual pleasure to me. She won't touch me or anything. She'll kiss me, but that's about it.

To make a long story short, I'm growing tired of always being the giver and very rarely being on the receiving end. Yesterday, during the day, in a rare moment of clarity, she mentioned that she wanted to have sex with me that night. So I happily agreed. Well come nighttime, I approach her and she just lays there (as usual). Of course I know what this means. Me doing everything yet again. So I said to myself, well its either this or nothing, so here goes. So without getting into all the details, I proceed to massage her and caress her and kiss her and do all the things she likes until she is ready to go. Then, about 30 minutes later, I laid next to her and she wouldn't touch me. She looked at me and asked if something was wrong. I asked her if she would reciprocate and you would have thought I had just killed her dog or something. It was painful for her to even try to please me. She gave a very begrudging attempt at it and I was so turned off, I simply "lost all interest" (if you know what I mean) in having sex with this person who has no desire to please me and it ended. She asked me what was wrong and I tried to explain it to her. Of course that is fruitless with a BPD, so nothing will become of it.

She has no interest in sex if it means she has to put any effort into pleasing me and I'm losing interest in having to climb the mountain and navigate the sexual minefield every time I want to have sex. I don't know what to do.  When I grow weary and don't attempt to engage her for a while she starts with the whole "you find me repulsive don't you", or "there must be someone else", etc.

I can't go on like this and its really starting to affect me.

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[izzitme]

Oh WOW!  I came here to post this exact same topic!  I feel for you so much.  I have been sobbing for hours.  There is no greater pain in a romantic relationship than being demeaned sexually by an intimate partner; it shreds the soul.  No matter how emotionally healthy someone is I don't think that it wouldn't hurt their self esteem.  I have no advice because I can barely help myself but maybe reading my story will make you feel like you aren't alone?

My BF of 2 1/2 years isn't officially diagnosed BPD but he has most of the defining traits.  The woman who set us up after our divorces has known him 25 years, is a psychologist and is now convinced that he is borderline.  He used to lament that his first wife never wanted to have sex and when they did he ended up feeling emasculated by her.  He said that he feared he would live a celibate life with her but his loyalties wouldn't bring him to stray.  I am very much alive and healthy in this area so it was a delight for me to finally have a partner to mutually enjoy this part of adult life that we both very much were deprived of in our first marriages.  At first it was great, he thought I was so beautiful, a fantasy that he never dared to dream he said, and I never trusted or felt more safe and open.  but let me fast forward to now.  He is refusing to have sex with me or show any lingering affection because he isn't attracted to me- I need to dress up (provocatively) and i need to stop reacting angrily to his behavior before he will have sex with me.   This is so laughable to me because I have an expensive wardrobe of clothes that HE bought for me.  I'm attractive and confident with my looks, personality and sexuality.  But I am a woman with feelings and this 2 month boycott of me is affecting my self esteem.  He gave me the list of ways that I need to change in order for him to be attracted to me again and of course there are elements of truth in every point.  Yes, I do react angrily.  I have so many layers of hurt by him and his intensity, demands and self absorption drain me so much that it feels abusive, neglectful and I react threatened.  After having been spurned so many times I tend to not want to put my neck out there and initiate anymore.  I'm not going to get all gussied up when I go over his house and he is yawning and disclaiming in advance about how tired he is.

Last week I made the decision after reading information on this site that I am going to get off of the crazy train and stop making things worse.  There was a definite improvement and he even went all out and made me dinner and promised me affection at bedtime.  His mood however started to plummet and he got very grouchy as it approached bedtime so needless to say nothing happened.  I was still determined to be the healthier one and things were calm and sane for a few more days until he was on my phone all day in crisis about his computer.  When he brought it in to be fixed he told me the repair guy was taken a back by all the porn in such a short period of time... . what the heck?  Why would he smear that in my face?  It isn't so much the porn but it takes on a different meaning in light of the witholding and the putting me down for wearing yoga pants around his house. My behavior is driving him to that.   My psychologist friend and my own therapist told me to get out before he completely ruins me.  My self esteem is already so shot A: by what he does to me but B: because I DO react in unhealthy ways and I'm losing respect and worth in my own eyes. 

I'm hurting and sad and I'm so sorry that you are to.  It isn't us, its them.  We aren't angels but we are human being deserving of affection.  Witholding is emotional abuse on many levels (in my opinion, I could be wrong- it feels that way) and we are being controlled by our desires to have our basic needs met.  They might as well withold water... . at least then we wouldn't feel so humiliated.