I am still black but at least he isn't moving out anymore

[pecia]

For those of you interested in the back story - please see my initial post. I am looking for some feedback on my current situation. After a fight over me mentioning his non-stop text messages from others was triggering me, my home life has been in an uproar. He leaves if I am home, wont text me unless it is derogatory, etc. Initially he told me to get out. I was going to out of guilt (emotional infidelity on my part, physical affairs on his part). Then it occurred to me that moving out would only give him future ammunition and that he would probably just see it as me abandoning him. So, I refused. Then he said that he would leave then. First he threatened to just randomly disappear, then decided he would give me a 3 week notice so I could arrange to take on all the financial responsibility. I said ok. I can financially do it alone. I went to visit my family (6 hrs away) for 2 days. He didn't talk to me the entire time I was gone. When I got home, he had left me a note that I was to split all the bills 50/50 because he wanted to see where every dime of his money went. Ok. I previously had split the bills up to where each of us paid certain items. I do all the grocery shopping and pay the utilities. He pays the house payment and cable. It equaled out to fairly even. And initially he agreed on it. At some point he got the notion that I was taking advantage of him. I pulled up all the bills and did the math in front of him. Showed him bank statements of how much I spent on groceries, etc. He still would not believe me. He still claims when I was having my emotional affair that I was planning on leaving him with all the bills and animals and running off with my dream man. I suppose this is just residual from that. I am trying to not be encouraged by the fact that he isn't moving out. He still wants nothing to do with me. This has been going on for a month and I am really lonely. I am very codependent (which I am working on) so I am miserable. My affair stemmed from being painted black and his affairs. He claims it was just because he wasn't enough for me. When it is good with him - its fantastic, but when its bad it is horrible. I just don't want to start over with someone new. I have been with him for 18 yrs. I don't know how to be an adult without him. I only figured out he was BPD a couple years ago. Now I have had an epiphany about how I have responded to him for 18 yrs in the total wrong way. I am trying to work on me now and not make the whole situation worse. He is very high functioning, but he projects on me and splits really badly. I know he has had several physical affairs. He only admits to 1 and blames it on me not wanting to have sex with him. He told me last night that the past 8 yrs have had no good times. Then he asked me to name times I was truly happy during that time. I did and he got mad. When I attempt to validate him, he says "whatever" and shuts down or retorts with some really vile comments. Its exhausting. He admits to being BPD but says its a gift not a problem. Any suggestions? Thanks - pecia

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