telling someone you think they have BPD?

[Jhensohn]

Hello,

I think I remember this topic being here before, but do you think I can tell my exBPD something like:

'In struggling to understand how you could just leave me after two months ago claiming I was your first, you were sure you wanted to marry me, etc, I've come across something that has been a way for me to explain to myself and make some sense of all that has happened that I had no other way to make sense of. I've read a lot about it, and pretty much everything fits. It is called Boarderline Personality Disorder. I'm not saying that I know for sure you have this, I'm just saying it has been a way for me to explain everything to myself'

What do you guys think? How would she likely react? is it OK to even mention it?

[ObiRedKenobi]

Every person and situation is different. I know from my experience with my ex that if I were to bring it up to her eventually I'd get accused of being BPD and if anyone else was to try to say something to her she'd say that oh she knows about it thinking I was actually the one with the disorder. For me and my situation it just wouldn't be the best idea to directly try to tell her.

But as I said every person and situation is different your ex might be more receptive I'd advise EXTREME caution.

[Octoberfest]

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

[MaybeSo]

If you chose to break off a romantic relationship for your own reasons that made sense to you at the time (Made sense to YOU, not necessarily the person you broke it off with)

and the feedback you got from the ex who you broke if off with, is that the only reason you could possibly have suddenly ended things is because YOU have a very serious mental illness called borderline personality disorder?

Would you see your 'ex' as an objective person who has no agenda of their own for suggesting that you are mentally ill? No axe to grind? No ego to protect? No personal motivations of their own for saying this?

Of course not!

No one would!

Seriously, How would you feel if your ex who you broke up with,  said you were mentally ill and your mental illness is the only reason why you broke it off with them.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JHen, suggest you leave the diagnosing to professionals.  Agree with those above, any suggestion from you along these lines is likely to be poorly received, so try to resist the temptation to share your knowledge.  Lucky Jim

[Jhensohn]

Thanks all. I won't say... .

[alliance]

During a brief recycle, my ex found this site on my computer. I was still logged in. It was not pretty.

[Moonie75]

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Can you please explain?

[Scout99]

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Can you please explain?

It is a link to an article on the subject. The headline of the article is "perspectives... . "

Scout99

[cal644]

My exw was diaginoised with PTSD, extreme codepedancy, - she was/is an adult child of an alcoholic.  She has a number of OCD issues, suffers from symptoms of anorexia.  And with all of these other issues fits a number of the issues involving BPD.  However, whenever I would try to even bring up the issues she knew she had and was diagnoised by a professional - all hell would break loose, I was the one with issue, I was bi-polar ().  Many times they are affraid to look at themselves as the one who could have issues.  You have to be the problem becuase their is no way they could be! Do I regret telling her some of her issues - yes, but at the time I did it in a loving, concerned way in order that she may finally confront her demons from her past, and also that she might take the steps of getting true help and finding herself. But why I did it in a loving way to help her confront her demons - the true demons came out.  The person I thought I knew and loved for 19 years is a person I don't even recognize anymore.

[Moonie75]

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Can you please explain?

It is a link to an article on the subject. The headline of the article is "perspectives... . "

Scout99

We'll chalk that up as one of my dumb ass moments 

[Scout99]

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Can you please explain?

It is a link to an article on the subject. The headline of the article is "perspectives... . "

Scout99

We'll chalk that up as one of my dumb ass moments 

There are no dumb questions! 

[beeker]

Told my ex I thought she had BPD. Thought I was helping the kids by pointing out she needed help. I had no real understanding how someone with BPD would react to being told something was wrong with them. I started by admitting my faults in the relationship and thanking her for having the strength to end it. I thought if I took on the blame for the relationship ending she would understand I was bringing it up to improve her relationship with the girls which was rapidly falling apart. Biggest mistake I have made to date. She acted like she heard me and understood but suddenly anything we had agreed verbally on in the divorce was gone. She hurts me any and every way she can. I was too naive to understand telling someone who can't accept blame for anything would take that information well. I am very new at this so I don't have a lot of advice to give but having made this mistake personally I would caution against it.

[Moonie75]

Well that's that sorted if (like me) you don't want to ever see them again.

If she ever rocks up here I know what to say... . "Go get some help for your mental disorder that's responsible for you thinking it's a great idea to start shaggin our neighbors & terrifying your children with your venomous rages. And only when you think you've made enough progress with your journey from Narnia to The Real World, I'd like an empathic apology for *-list of my own experiences-*! which stands the test of time & doesn't get fully U-turned the next day! Once we get there, of course we can be friends dear."

I reckon that might keep her away long enough for me to have repaired myself, moved on, married, had kids, retired & sold the house, then bought the yacht that'll sale me & healthy wife & Co into the horizon from old raging neighbor shaggin loon pot (reformed).

That's me plan, Cheers.



 

[Littleopener]

What if they are not getting the treatment they should?

I know no-one but a professional can diagnose BPD but what if they don't get the whole story as we know pwBPD lie or twist things.

Could maybe suggesting BPD as something they should consider might help them in recovery?

I don't think I have the courage to suggest it to my (ex) bf (who is in therapy but for depression) though because I'm pretty sure the way he would not react well... .

[Scout99]

What if they are not getting the treatment they should?

I know no-one but a professional can diagnose BPD but what if they don't get the whole story as we know pwBPD lie or twist things.

Could maybe suggesting BPD as something they should consider might help them in recovery?

I don't think I have the courage to suggest it to my (ex) bf (who is in therapy but for depression) though because I'm pretty sure the way he would not react well... .

Even a skilled therapist may choose to let even years go by in treatment before ever mentioning the "borderline" word to his or her client, since it can so easily jeopardize all trust and future progress in treatment if taken the wrong way and instead become a trigger for dysregulation or rage... .

In honesty the diagnose in itself is not that important... . It is really just a tool for the therapist or, for a partner to use as a means to choose how to best deal with that person and the problems they are facing (or not facing in themselves... . ).

So like most, if not all has already said here, it is not advisable to as a partner say it to your partner as an argument for seeking help... .

That does not mean it is always wrong to encourage a loves one to seek help... . But in doing so one must tread carefully and above all choose to have focus on them and their need and situation, and not what it would mean for us as partners if they got help... . Guilt is a major player here, and if awoken it will only cause h*ll... .

Seeking therapy for ourselves is sometimes a good place to start, both to eliminate some of the fear about what it means or perhaps prejudice about "needing a shrink"... .

If talking about it, talk about the pain you see them in, the thoughts and feelings they have and so on... . But it is hard... . And it can very easily backfire... . And even if one should make them get to a therapist, chances are they do it for you, not themselves, and the the treatment won't work... . Being in treatment means being ready to face and remain in some pretty tough discomfort... . for in their case extended time... . And the choice to do so must come from them... . not us, no matter how much could be gained from it... .

If getting to a point where for whatever reason your partner chooses to seek help, what one could do, is (secretly) talk to the physician and just let them know you as a partner believe it is about borderline disorder, which can sometimes be helpful to them. I know psychiatrists where I live, have said that on several occasions that they appreciate a partners tip in the initial evaluation phase of taking in a new patient. But then also that you gracefully back out and let things take it's course, even if that means that your partner comes home with an on paper completely different or no diagnose... . and trust their judgement, (at least if said doctor seems serious... . )

Since like I said in the beginning. It may not be helpful at all to receive a BPD diagnose at that stage for some, whereas it would feel like a relief for others... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[bruceli]

During a brief recycle, my ex found this site on my computer. I was still logged in. It was not pretty.

Same here... .

[slimmiller]

Well that's that sorted if (like me) you don't want to ever see them again.

If she ever rocks up here I know what to say... . "Go get some help for your mental disorder that's responsible for you thinking it's a great idea to start shaggin our neighbors & terrifying your children with your venomous rages. And only when you think you've made enough progress with your journey from Narnia to The Real World, I'd like an empathic apology for *-list of my own experiences-*! which stands the test of time & doesn't get fully U-turned the next day! Once we get there, of course we can be friends dear."

I reckon that might keep her away long enough for me to have repaired myself, moved on, married, had kids, retired & sold the house, then bought the yacht that'll sale me & healthy wife & Co into the horizon from old raging neighbor shaggin loon pot (reformed).

That's me plan, Cheers.



 

I -ed for real! Although my choice of words for describing mine would be censored here.

Thanks for the laugh.

Back to the original question, I would not tell her. I tried after she asked me what was wrong with her. One of the biggest wastes of time I have ever experienced. I would rather talk to a fence post and tell said fence post all that is wrong with him i.e. just standing there and being otherwise completely useless and how said fence post does not meet my needs and how its all a one way street and who does that and blah blah... . The outcome would be less draining because I would not expect the fence post to drain me emotionally and then say yes but, and blame me for something stupid from 10 years ago as being the problem.

If they were looking for help and wanting to improve, they would already be doing that. In the meantime its pointless and a waste of your time... Instead spent that time doing something nice for you. Maybe go out for a stroll or read a good book

[danley]

I didn't say specifically to him that he may have BPD. I just made a general comment that he wasn't the person I knew anymore and that he's a complete stranger because all the things he's said and done is not like him. I told him I didn't know who he was anymore and that I was wondering if any of the good things were real or fake. I told him that i couldnt trust him anymore. I then kindly suggested he seek professional help and I walked away. He already has a therapist. He had seen her before but stopped after a few months a couple years back. He went on his own to see her because he was separating from his wife and felt like his world was crumbling. He stopped seeing her after a few months. He felt he was OK. But obviously he wasn't as the issues of fear, guilt, and shame still laid dormant in him.

After I said this, he started acting like himself again. So I thought he had taken my advice and gone to his therapist. I found out last week that he hadn't been seeing her. He mentioned he needed time off from work to pursue a promotion in another division and his idea was to tell a story that he is going thru a lot and needs times away from his current position at work. I said it was a valid point that he was going thru a lot outside of work but to use it as an excuse to try and get a promotion didn't sound honest. He said he could even go to his therapist and ask her for a note. This is when I asked him if he was going to sessions and he said no but he could just tell her he needed to talk just so he could get a note to wiggle his way into the other division where he wants to try and get a promotion.

So it made me wonder why the sudden change to trying to be his "normal" self if he hadn't been going to therapy sessions. I think he probably wants to do the healing on his own. I see progress but I'm afraid it's just surface. I think he needs the help of a trained therapist to dig deep to fix his issues. I'm thinking that since he's in a communicatime, caring, lucid state lately that I will try again to suggest he see his therapist. I ssee him trying very hard to stay strong and fight thru his insanity but I don't think he'd actually fixing any of his fears, guilt, and shame. He's just dealing with the tangible and not the emotional.

If I were to blatantly tell him I think he has BPD, he'd probably shun me and tell me to take a long walk on a short plank into the fiery depths of hell or something.  Lol. He doesn't take criticism or truth very well.  

[beeker]

Went to couples therapy near the end of my marriage. We went to a couple of sessions and he asked to see her by herself for a few times. She went and the next time it was a couples session she was very quiet. He kept trying to lead her and get her to bring up some of the things they talked about. When she finally did I was literally speechless. Some of the things she was saying seemed like they were coming from someone else's mouth. She kept saying "see i told you he would deny it" even though i was shocked into silence. Looking back I think he had a pretty good idea what was going on but we didn't go back. Not my choice because after the initial shock I wanted help figuring out what to do and what was wrong. At that time I still didn't now the depth of problem or what to even call it. My point is that she still goes to a new therapist but if she doesn't open up and be truthful she will never get real help. I've given up on that. I'm not willing to get that involved even if she wanted me to. By the way she still throws in my face that I am the one with BPD and should seek out help. Its not real concern but more of just trying to get under my skin. I kind of wish I had never brought it up but I felt I had to try for my girls. I don't regret it because they are worth the abuse it brings on.

[bruceli]

What if they are not getting the treatment they should?

I know no-one but a professional can diagnose BPD but what if they don't get the whole story as we know pwBPD lie or twist things.

Could maybe suggesting BPD as something they should consider might help them in recovery?

I don't think I have the courage to suggest it to my (ex) bf (who is in therapy but for depression) though because I'm pretty sure the way he would not react well... .

She's in treatment now but alledgedly the T "does not believe she has BPD, but actually it is ME ( the norm of course)."  So there has been no improvement and now things are getting drastically worse.