Seriously? Mad about calling a repairman? "another man coming into my house"

[wishfulthinking]

OK, past couple days have been pretty good.  I've been blowing up his phone with texts about how much he means to me, how much I love him, all the stuff he needs.  He has been texting back and calling and all lovey dovey.  THEN, he gets home and a countertop he was going to install (3 months ago) had gotten wet due to the drain pain in the central air/furnace (I suspect this because it happened 4 years ago) wasn't tilted right and not draining so the extra water ran into the basement room.  I said I would try to fix it tonight and if I couldn't then we would move everything and I would call XXXX on Monday to fix it.  HE WENT OFF, how DARE I call ANOTHER MAN to come into HIS house and fix anything.  Don't I know what he does for a living? (ummm, yes, construction, when the furnace was kicking off too soon last winter you had no idea how to fix it, so I looked it up and fixed it instead of calling someone) His specialty is metal work! BLAH BLAH BLAH! 

All this loud enough that my coworker in the next cube could hear him yelling and me going, I"M SORRY, I DIDN"T THINK YOU KNEW HVAC STUFF... . over and over. 

Now, "this day was going so well and now you've hurt my feelings, woman!  You really hurt me, calling another man to fix it."

WTH?  How do I defuse this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wishfulthinking]

If anyone answers, I've been painted black all night, along with my daughter. I waited over an hour for him to decide if he was going to menards with me ( to return something of his ) or not. Or to run and grab him a soda or not. When he finally decides to go with, I go to the bathroom while my D9 puts the dog up and a minute later I come out and he's gone. I try to call and it goes to voicemail. He texts me hateful things about never coming first and having to wait on me. Wth? I waited all night! Followed him around like a puppy to make him happy, all day I texted gushy things to him! Really? I'm very close to done.

[SweetCharlotte]

I can definitely see that happening in my mind's eye.

Mu uBPDh, always a long-distance relationship, went ballistic on me just before Christmas when I had a satellite TV repairman up on the roof of my house. The guy flirted with me a little and I did relay some of it to the H. Oh boy, he scolded me for weeks.

These pool-boy/milkman scenarios strike a chord with insecure men. Maybe because they read pornography?

Can you try a SET response? You're great at working on stuff; I know you would like to fix everything personally; there are a few things that are not in your field for which we need an expert. Would he insist on doing electrical wiring and get himself toasted?

[Suzn]

Once he is dysregulated you just have to let him be with his emotion. You cannot fix this part. He's angry and you can't change that now. How do you react to these blow ups?

Painting your daughter black? Do you have a boundary for yourself with this? <-- Do you know what this means?

Following him around like a puppy dog to please him reinforces his behavior. Your thought of a repairman isn't out of line. It's a normal thought when something isn't working. Don't beat yourself up over that. You have to allow him to self sooth. Unfortunately, if I recall correctly this involves his use of pills. Do you feel this has anything to do with this blow up and disappearance?

[wishfulthinking]

No boundaries for my daughter, he usually turns his focus onto me and how I should control her better. I usually just have her play in her room. I don't think he got pills, I am beyond broke except for $5 and he says he is broke, as well... . I got back and both his kids were here. His D15 said her aunt dropped them off. Not sure about the pills. I have noticed that whenever he said he has to talk to me about the issue, he finds a way that I've disrespected him in some way. Do they start fights to avoid things like this?

He doesn't like electrical, I don't mind it... . He won't even let me fix the toilet that's been leaking for 2 months now... .

[Suzn]

No boundaries for my daughter, he usually turns his focus onto me and how I should control her better. I usually just have her play in her room.

So what you are saying is your daughter can't be free to occupy her entire home? You are avoiding setting boundaries around what she is exposed to here. I understand you fears however this can have long lasting effects on her.

He doesn't like electrical, I don't mind it... . He won't even let me fix the toilet that's been leaking for 2 months now... .

lost you are an adult in a partnership, not his child that needs permission to take care of basic necessities.

Some boundaries around some of these issues for you may look like:

I will not allow my daughter to be exposed to ongoing rages. She needs to be free to occupy the entirety of the home she lives in.

I will not live in a home that has issues that could be a health risk that I am fully capable of repairing myself.

lost nothing changes without changes. He will rage. Your reaction to these rages is what's important and that is the only thing you can control. Following him around like a puppy dog only reinforces his behavior. If he wants to be angry you have to let him be angry. Finding some emotional distance for yourself when he gets this way, not taking it personally because you know these are his dysfunctional ways of coping.

An example of utilizing SET

S- I'm sorry you are angry that I want to fix the toilet.

E- I can see where this could seem as though I am infringing on your value of your skills.

T- I value your skills. If you would like to repair this, great!  If not that's ok too, I will take care of it.

If he chooses not to repair this do it yourself. You already know he will likely be angry about it. Be prepared for his anger by distancing yourself emotionally. Know that he has to deal with his own anger, you can't do that for him. 

If this escalates take a time out. Go for a walk, go to the grocery store, something along those lines. He will eventually calm down. The toilet will be fixed. Over time he will see that you have a say in how you are going to live your life.   

You have to find the courage to stand up for what you value here. A home that has a toilet that doesn't leak, putting this in perspective, that is a smaller issue. A more important issue would be having a home where your daughter can be free to be a child free from feeling the only safe place for her is her small bedroom.


 

[wishfulthinking]

Suzan, I appreciate you so much. I totally agree. I'm having a hard time learning how to deal and figure the boundaries. Unfortunately, we've only been married 3 months today and these rages and picky stipulations and control of his didn't start until 2 weeks after, so needless to say I feel duped. Kind of in shock, I guess. I'm a decent caring person and I go out of my way for him, he never sees it cause its all on his terms no matter what now. How can they change so quickly?

What boundaries do you suggest for the situation with my daughter and also... . he can stay mad about something for DAYS... . I had a horrible childhood, his and my childhood were remarkably similar, actually... . but I can't hold anger that long. Wow.