Can't take it anymore Everyone tells me to leave but I can't

[Viso]

I don't know for sure if my husband has BPD but the counsellor i have been going to suggested that. His emotions just swing so suddenly and he always put his negative thoughts on me and makes me admit that is what I am thinking. Things always have to follow his plan. I always somehow get him upset and i am stupid for not knowing. I tried to tell him my true feelings but he would say that I am denying and making excuses. It is always me at 100% fault and that I should think about how I can be a better person. And that if anything ever happens to this relationship, it is me that forced him to become this way.

Then, he insisted that I have mental health issues and i did wonder myself why i always do the wrong thing and if i am really a bad person. So I went to see the psych and the counsellor. They said I am fine, just having a hard time coping with his behaviour. They helped me become less focus on him and more self care. And I don't know if it is because of that, he feels that I don't care about him.

We got into an argument last week because I refused to admit to something that he thinks I am. I was so upset that eventually this argument was exposed to my parents. My husband feels that i purposely set him up to make him look bad in front of my parents.  Then, he started acting as if everything is in good terms when others are around and once nobody is around, he doesn't talk or respond to me at all. I asked him if we can talk. He said that is it, he gave up on me and it's too late. He said that for eight years and I still don't know what gets him upset and I never found a way to comfort him. He is not interested in me anymore and he doesn't want to communicate with me at all. This is the way we will live the rest of our lives. I feel devastated... . I can't do it! How can I be loving one second and then like strangers the next? I am stuck... . I have two very young kids and I really can't just walk out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  It seems that you feel trapped and that's not what any of us want for ourselves in a relationship.  Have you read the lessons, tried the tools and/or read any of the suggested books?  I know they have (and continue) to help me with my relationship.  It sounds like he's reacting to you getting a healthier attitude.  Change is scary and you're changing... . that's a good thing, but he won't necessarily see it that way.  Remember that you are doing these things for yourself... . you want to be the best person you can be for you and your children. 

[Viso]

Thanks for replying. I am just not sure what kind of boundaries to set and setting them now I am afraid will make the situation worst?

I am lucky that right now the boys are still young and whenever he raise his voice, my 3 year old son will tell him not to be upset. And he will usually stop and just blast out at me when the kids are in bed. I am just afraid in a few more years, he starts arguing with the kids because they don't follow as he says.

Can someone advice me on what to do cuz he just doesn't respond to me when I talk to him when we are alone? I m just talking to the air. Should I be saving everything and talk to him when someone is around so he will at least answer my questions?

[SweetCharlotte]

Oh, Viso, that is just like my uBPDh of three and a half years.

Sounds like you are not accustomed to the silent treatment/stonewalling.

It is a common maladaptive technique pwBPDs have for dealing with interactions that make them especially emotional.

It probably will end by itself when he feels safe again. Until then, maybe you should talk to him in a neutral way (idle chit-chat) but not ask him questions until he is acknowledging you again. I know it's hard because you are doing all the validation of him and you feel less and less validated. You might talk to people about him only if they are not going to reveal what you have said (unlike your kids and parents, who can't help it because they are too involved). I wouldn't try to discuss the crucial issues in the presence of witnesses who are not trained for dealing with pwBPDs. It will only prolong his silent treatment.

[waverider]

When you try to make changes it will get worse before it gets better. But if you dont make changes it won't get better

It is a hard road, understanding and changing yourself is a slow evolution as it requires you effectively retraining yourself.

Learn to believe in yourself, and realize you dont have to believe his reality, neither do you have to convince him of yours. Ultimately conflict involves at least two people. You can learn how to avoid that, but it does take time.

By the way silent treatment is a form of abuse, and we tend to advocate that we wont stick around for abuse. If you are alone and he refuses to talk to you, dont be there.

[Viso]

I feel like I am being tortured mentally. I understand that I need to give him time. But I am afraid the longer I leave him alone, the worst it gets because he seems to be thinking of every possible way to push me away. Last night he was telling his mom that he is hiring a maid to do the housework and asked if cooking and laundry can be done too. I hope I am wrong but definitely seems like he doesn't want to rely on me anymore and wanting to prove to me he doesn't need me.

I always thought that when a couple get into little fight, just takes a day or two to get over it. Well I do and I just put it behind me, but this is not what is happening for him. And he doesn't let me talk over things, maybe he will just swear at me for an hour about how I am the one 100% at fault and I made this relationship go downhill.

[waverider]

I feel like I am being tortured mentally. I understand that I need to give him time. But I am afraid the longer I leave him alone, the worst it gets because he seems to be thinking of every possible way to push me away. Last night he was telling his mom that he is hiring a maid to do the housework and asked if cooking and laundry can be done too. I hope I am wrong but definitely seems like he doesn't want to rely on me anymore and wanting to prove to me he doesn't need me.

I always thought that when a couple get into little fight, just takes a day or two to get over it. Well I do and I just put it behind me, but this is not what is happening for him. And he doesn't let me talk over things, maybe he will just swear at me for an hour about how I am the one 100% at fault and I made this relationship go downhill.

If he acts like he doesn't want you there then don't be there. That is the consequence of his action. If that is really what he wants you cant change him by being there, if not then you will call his bluff. By staying you are allowing him to safely play act and exert control over you.

It is passive abuse, and disrespectful of both you and your RS.

Leaving does not necessarily mean permanent, it is giving space, so reality can kick in

[Viso]

Thanks... . The silent treatment did happen a few times before but this time he made it very clear that this will be for the rest of our lives. I have been texting him once a day telling I'm that I still love him and that I still believe we can still work things out. I am not sure if this is a good idea but I just wanted to share my feelings with him.

Waverider: my H didn't say he wants me to leave just that he will not be talking to me unless there is someone around. So I am not exactly sure if leaving is what he wants me to do. Just makes me feel bad that every time when we are alone, he will immediately put up this angry look on his face. Makes me wonder if he is just better off without my presence.

[Viso]

Forgot to ask... . so is it a bad thing to text him everyday validating him that I love him?

[waverider]

Forgot to ask... . so is it a bad thing to text him everyday validating him that I love him?

What happens if you dont?

Sounds like his family of origin may have a touch of PD too.

[Viso]

If I don't, I guess he will feel that I don't care and continue to distant me? Cuz I think part of the problem is he needs a lot of attention and care and I haven't been able to give him due to the kids and endless housework.

And his mom does have depression... . she said it runs in the family.

[waverider]

My partner is good at sounding insightful about her disorders, and about how to react to people. This is because she has no real sense of self she is in fact just mirroring what various medical professionals have told her over her life... Quoting the manual back if you like. Yet non of these "insights" are practiced in real life.

So yes it is hard to get an accurate dx unless they are counciled while in crisis mode, or at least if there is a bit of history with the T to pick up discrepencies.

[letmeout]

That was one of the most confusing things ever, my ex husband would also project everything onto me.

I did get him into a shrink once and like yours, hubby raged the entire session.

The shrink told me to never bring him back to see him again because he couldn't be helped. Then he suggested that I should run for my life, because things would only get worse.  I should have listened because the shrink was right, he did get worse.

[waverider]

If you both attend T together prior to them accepting dx then it often turns into he said she said, or you just getting frustrated by saying nothing and not really being open and honest.

[Viso]

I still feel that I love him very much and don’t want to give up on him. I am not entirely sure if I can take this for the rest of my life. His constant negative and brutal comments on me did at one point made me feel like a failure and that I have serious mental issues going on. Luckily the psychologist and counselor reassured me that I don’t have mental health illnesses, just stress because I am dealing with “high maintenance” people at home (my H and M in law).

My H too cares very much about his image. And I agree that he will show only the good side of him in front of the counselor. He did see this family counselor once and I am not entirely sure if the counselor picked up he has BPD from seeing him or hearing from me. My H never went back to the couple session. He said even if he goes back, he will only listen to certain T’s advice that he feels is valid.

Letmeout: Sounds like you are suffering… and at breaking point. Why are you still staying then? Better late than never?

The biggest issue now is he doesn’t respond to me when I say anything when no one is around. And this has been for over a week! He will only talk to me when he has a request, like buy me cigarettes on your way home or get me this and that. But of course, he will not say thank you or anything when things are done. And I am struggling if I should bring him back to a T or marriage counselor when he does talk to me again. Do you think I should get some insights from his best friend?

[letmeout]

I loved it when my H would go cold, and sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for weeks! It was a nice break from his raging. Then again, it was still nerve wracking because you never knew when the other shoe would drop.

I lasted 35 years until I couldn't take it anymore. If I could get a redo I would have left him after the first 5 years, then my children wouldn't be damaged emotionally from being exposed to his insanity while they were growing up.

[Viso]

LetitOut: This is my struggle right now. I love him but mentally I don't know if I can make myself strong enough to stick around for life.

You can say I am unrealistic... . but deep down, I feel that there is a hope for a change... . maybe the kids can change him?

[badknees]

Ok aisde from any physical abuse and verbal abuse, threatening harm, or abuse to the kids, of couse everyones gonna say you must go. Set that aside if he's a good guy but has BPD and isnt even trying to work it out and stop huring you, leaving can be temporary, short term, just to get a break and then return can help. Leaving forever is a huge step, again unless its unsafe. Take a weekend week away from him. Tell him in stages, do it while in therapy if it helps. Assure him its temporary, you'll be back. He may rage at that but you are used to that, even if you stay he'll rage, so go take a short break and get perspective. You sound so stressed out. He may never change so you have to find out if you want to learn and use the tools this website suggests(they do work)  stay be healthy or if even with the tools its just too damn much. We all can understand both choises. You can't be his wife and his emotional prisoner. But take a babystep first, take a minibreak and see what happens.

[waverider]

Any steps to change will cause major disruption, and the reason for that is to stop you changing. There is no easy way, and no one else is going to do it for you. Without change you consolidate his behavior and he moves the goalposts a little further each time. Each time you cope and adapt

[Viso]

I am just getting so frustrated and upset about this. I really can't understand what is going on.

my BPD H has not interacted with me for 3 weeks now... . will only respond when there are someone around. When we are alone, he just ignores me. I was feeling very sick last night and of course he didn't say a word. I just continue to my household chores, grocery shopped and cooked the meals for the following day. Then when I was done... . I was just crying non stop.

Did he mean it when he said he gave up on me and that we will live the rest of our lives this way?

I have been telling him I love him everyday validating his lack of love and understanding that he felt. But it's not going anywhere... .

I am so so tired. But I cant leave the kids behind and cant take them with me.

What can I do?

[Viso]

Feeling very lost today.

And maybe I am just too tired to deal with this anymore.

Can't hold my tears back... .

As much as I tell myself what he is doing to me is temporary and that he doesn't mean it, I feel so NOT loved.

I am sure all non-BPDs out there have this feeling but pulling through is just way too hard.

I am making changes but I am so scared if I leave temporarily with or without the kids, I will pull the trigger and never have a chance to be with him anymore.

[SweetCharlotte]

Try not to leave the house and above all, don't leave without the kids. That could hurt you in a divorce/custody case. You might try to leave the house for day trips and/or afternoon excursions with the kids whenever possible in order to be around him less.

I would stop saying "I love you." You are validating him for this unacceptable and abusive behavior. Three weeks is long for stone-walling but you could stick to idle chit-chat, as though nothing were wrong. Converse without questions so there is no evidence that he is not answering. Try not to be in the same room where he is, but don't leave your children in order not to be around him.

Sounds complicated, I know, but soon it will either be over or you will assess the possibility of divorcing him. I've never heard of stone-walling going on indefinitely/"forever." It's almost like a child's game, only horribly hurtful. Maybe he is looking to provoke you into doing something that he can then blame for leaving you.

Much strength to you as you sound like a very caring person who has gotten trapped in a painful situation of emotional abuse.

[Viso]

Once again I am feeling very exhausted, lost... . and wonder maybe my BPD H meant it... . He is not interested in me anymore. We will live together forever but have no real interaction/communication.

What am I doing here, validating him that I love him everyday for the past three weeks? And in return, I get NO LOVE but him ignoring me or speaking in a cold hurtful way. Why is he only talking when others are around and act like a total enemy when we are alone? Is he doing this to make me LEAVE him without being the bad guy?

I was feeling so sick last night and of course he didn't say a word. And I continued my normal responsibilities... . getting groceries and cooking, thinking that it is better to get things done and will stop me from just breaking down and crying. Worked till almost 1am and then I just broke down crying feeling so lonely.

Should I even be showing him that I am sad because of this and continue validating him? Some say validations will just make him thinks he is right but others say validations will get him back, at least talking.

[eeyore]

What are you doing for yourself?  Are you interested in You anymore?  Seems to me the only thing you are validating is being a doormat.  Are you too afraid to rock the boat?

[waverider]

You are lost in a forest. To find your way out you will have to take an axe to the trunks, you will get no where just picking leaves off trees.

You are in this situation because you are not taking big enough steps to stop it. He only has this power because you give it to him.

Dominant people are only in that position because submissive people give them permission to be dominant. In short Submissive people hold the real power, as they can choose to withdraw that permission.

You have to learn to believe in your own rights.

[Rapt Reader]

Viso~~Have you had the chance to read any books yet? I know that you have 2 little kids, have to take care of all the household chores, etc. and probably have not a lot of time to take for yourself, but at night when the kids are asleep can you stop doing some of the housework? Can you take any little bit of time for yourself doing something to make you happy, forgetting about your husband for awhile?

I am not married to someone with BPD, but many years ago my husband was treating me very similarly to the way yours is treating you. Not total no communication, but very cold and uncaring, letting me know that I was not making him happy and it was supposedly all my fault. In reality, it was not my fault at all; he was having an affair and though I knew something had happened that changed his feelings towards me, I couldn't figure out what that was (I knew there was another woman who was "after" him, but it didn't really occur to me that he was actually seeing her. I was young and very naïve.)

During that time I read a book that changed everything for me, and eventually us: "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I recommend it to everyone who has a relationship with anyone. Doesn't matter why your husband is acting the way he is (BPD, having an affair, depression, whatever), this book will help you learn how to get yourself back. There are, of course, many Workshops, Articles and Videos on this site that you need to check out regarding communication tools, but right now since he's not really talking to you anyway, why don't you take care of--and find!--yourself?

I recommend this to you urgently... . I was feeling exactly like you do now, and was at my wit's end. I had no idea of what to do, how to even live my life with a husband I loved so much who was treating me like I was a speck of dust. I was depressed, and had, like you, 2 little kids to bring up so I was not in the position (I felt) to leave him. You need to get off the hamster wheel of him treating you like a nothing, and you chasing after him nipping at his heels chirping: "But I love you, I love you!"

Honest to God, I did this too... . for 2 years before I read that book. Reading that book, I learned how to STOP it, and how to get my self back. And you know what? After I gave myself my dignity back, got the self-esteem to stop chasing after him, and started getting ready to make it on my own (even kicked him out of the house, at which time he moved in with the girlfriend!), he came back to life! He saw that he was making the worst mistake of his life, and within 6 months of reading that book and changing the way I was acting with him, the girlfriend was history and we were back together with new rules and lots of love.

We had been married for 11 years when he started the affair, 13.5 years when it ended (I didn't know about it for sure for 2 years!) and we had a little "Commitment" ceremony in front of friends. Today we are married almost 40 years! Happily, too    And all because I read that book: Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Please, for your own good and well-being... . Read. That. Book. I know he's not having an affair or anything; it wasn't written for that reason. I don't care that he has BPD (my own husband, though not BPD, has an undiagnosed BPD Mom, so he has major BPD traits). It's for you to find you again. Please. Read it... .

[letmeout]

All of Melodie Beattie's books are very helpful. I still read her daily meditations in The Language of Letting Go!

[p7742777]

Once again I am feeling very exhausted, lost... . and wonder maybe my BPD H meant it... . He is not interested in me anymore. We will live together forever but have no real interaction/communication.

My BPD wife says the exact same thing. Sounds like very typical BPD behavior. It'll probably disappear gradually. Especially if you deal with it correctly.

I used to feel guilty and think that it's actually my fault. Now that I understand I didn't "cause" it, it doesn't bother me much.

[Viso]

I am reading stop walking on eggshell right now and thanks for the advice. I will read the recommended  "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.

So the continuous "I love you and I care" worked... . I guess because he really needed all the attention. He started talking to me again after I gave him a massage and had sex with him one morning. He said that I could be caring and loving the way he likes me to be, but I am only like that when he gets upset at me. I am sure continuous validation on him works. And looking back, I see that everytime when I start getting busy and forget to give him the attention, he flips out. I dunno if he will keep asking for more attention and validations and eventually never enough as this is a common traits Of BPDs, but until I find a better way to handle him from the readings... . I guess I will continue to validate.

One thing my psych friend said to me was that she suspects my H has ADHD instead of BPD. Well, I was reading online and I still see my H matching the BPD traits more. Maybe she is trying to make me feel better... . Anyhow, she mentioned one thing that I believe in very much. It's because I started to do more self care, my H saw changes in me and felt that he is losing the attention because I don't react like I used to. Things will always become worst before it will swing back to become better than before. Anytime there is a change, expect my H to go through this wild swing.

[Violista]

This sounds so much like my boyfriend... . always blaming me for everything, his favourite thing to yell at me is "YOU'RE the problem!" I'm always selfish and horrible and it's always my fault and he'll get angry if I don't agree