I need to maintain NC. However, I do care

[DeRetour]

That's a text from my ex-GF (uBPD). She's texted 4 times in the past 24 hours and is now begging for me to respond. We broke up 3 weeks ago. I have gone NC with her - a difficult decision I made not for revenge, but simply to remove myself from something toxic. When we were together, she expressed having suicidal thoughts a few times when in a low mood. I don’t think she’s reached the “immediate danger to herself (or others) point”, or I’d call 911. Just a minute ago, she texted again, twice, letting me know she’s “waiting outside [my building]”. I don’t see her, but I don't doubt that she's there.

I need to maintain NC. However, I do care. I don’t want her to reach that point. At what point should I treat this as an emergency? Is it advisable to break NC and directly ask her if she’s having thoughts like this?

Thank you for any advice on this.

[Skip]

You may want to re-evaluate the NC decision.

NC can be very hurtful - just read how members here struggle when they are on the receiving end.  It's the ultimate rejection and it can triggers abandonment anxiety in us and others.

Here is one psychologist's description:

1: SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

2: WITHDRAWL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

4: ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

The question to ask is whether you can manage another exit style - like Low Contact or Controlled Contact or even Delayed Contact (Let's take a break for 6 weeks and then meet and talk at _____ ). These are often not as painful to either party because the rejection and detachment is a stepwise progression. But, you have to have very clear rules for your own behavior and committed to them - like not discussing relationship issues.

One size does not fit all and I often encourage members to explore the pros' and cons of these different approach.  Find the right one for your relationship retirement.

As for worrying about suicidal ideation - she hasn't mentioned it - I wouldn't open that topic.

[Perfidy]

Well... You really need to be the judge there! You know your situation better than anyone else. If you really need to break contact to stop an innocent from being harmed then by all means do. It sounds like you dumped her? She's not compatable and you are smart enough to leave?

  I won't break no contact because it is for MY own good. EMOTIONAL PAIN IS MY MOTIVATION. Sorry don't mean to yell but it has been an issue for me.

[DeRetour]

Thank you, Skip. You reminded me that yes, she hadn't mentioned the words. So, asking about it wouldn't have been a good idea. I suppose this second guessing is a residual thought pattern from having been in a relationship that required a lot of second-guessing. Thank you for changing the subject title of my thread, as well. I do apologize if the title was a bit dramatic, I was feeling the worry, and therefore was at a loss of words for a title.

But yes, I appreciate your advice and perspective on the question of maintaining NC. At this point, I feel it is in my best interest to stick to it. The situation was highly toxic and I need to bring myself back into a clear, healthy, productive place in life. Thank you, once again.

-deRetour

[DeRetour]

Perfidy,

Yes, thank you for reading my post as well. I do apologize if that was a bit dramatic. This is one (of many) reasons I need to stick to NC. The relationship was so toxic that I have not had access to my clearest thinking. Take care!

[Skip]

Yes, thank you for reading my post as well. I do apologize if that was a bit dramatic. This is one (of many) reasons I need to stick to NC. The relationship was so toxic that I have not had access to my clearest thinking.

I struggled with the same.  In my case, my ex would breakup the relationship to be heard.  So I waited until the next time she did it, and then went no contact. So while she was giving me 5 weeks of silent treatment, she didn't notice that I was in relationship detox and pushing myself to detach and let go.

The less anxiety we create at the end the better.  The abandonment anxiety, on either end, tends to be what drives the recycling.