New to this board and desperate for advice and help. I feel lsot.

[MarriedtobpdNJ]

I am not the best at writing so I am sorry in advance. Also, I have so much hurt from years that I want to discuss but have to somehow limit this so I don’t bore everyone. I will try to give a snapshot that I would say would everyone’s  jaw dropped but I read what others are going through and pretty similar to mine.

I was married to a first time to someone that might have had BPD. Not sure of this but she was nice at times and then other time was really mean. Had 2 children in 3 years because I kept trying to give her what she wanted. I finally left after her telling me how much she did not like me and wanted me to find someone, so I did. We had joint c custody of my first 2 children and I gave them a lot and they are ok. I will say my son is telling me of the same stories of how she treats her husband (married weeks after our divorce). He also tells me that she treats them the same way.

This is not about my first wife, it is about my second. I took a while until I married again being I was trying to not have to go through this again. I got married to someone that I wanted my whole life. Someone beautiful, caring, supportive and made me a better person (sound familiar to everyone!)

We have been married for 7 shaky years. We have a son now and she has custody of our 10 year old niece who I treat and love as my own. In those years, we have experienced a lot of wonderful times and a lot of horrible, in hell times. I don’t want to sound cocky here but I do everything I can to be a great husband and father. I try so hard to be the most romantic I can and to provide everything my family needs.

I do want to talk about today because so many other days from the past are similar.

She tells me she wants to go to an event her friend is hosting, with a smile and the eyes that she gives letting me know all if forgiven (It is always my fault) so like always, I can stick to my ground and tell her no and she would make the next day to weeks hell for me or I could just go and if I can forget again, have a nice day. So I do the latter as always. As we are driving there, I put on a station that she doesn’t like (even though it is on her car radio), so I change it, she doesn’t like that song. I tell her that the kids and she have their iPhone’s or iPad; this is all I have so she tells me to put on the news so I put on sports radio. She complains about this. I then put on Bloomberg radio and she says to change it again. She puts on another station and holds her hand there. I almost let it go had to say that she was not fair to me. She explodes

With my son and niece in the car she says so much including (I don’t remember even close to everything):

•         I have 4 lawyers working for me and you will be paying for everything so get a lawyer, either way you are paying.

•         You are a horrible father”

•         You are so ugly

•         You are so fat and bald (I weight 198 and am 6’1 and have a slight reseating hairline which I told her upsets me)

•         You have no friends (every time I had plans, she would have a scene which I would have to cancel. Also, every old friend I have there was something wrong with)

•         Nobody thinks you are smart.

•         So many other things that like always, I must have my mind trained to forget so I can live)

I then defend myself and tell her that she is horrible and she flakes out even more and tells me to turn the car around in which I do. She gives numerous other comments in the car and I try to ignore but say too much in front of the kids to defend myself.

We get home and she says the following:

•         “Let’s go out of this boring house with these boring people” Our niece tells my wife to “please” over and over again and is crying. She don’t care

•         I try to comfort our niece and she says, “You are not allowed to talk to her. Stop talking to her” As our niece is begging her to stop.

•         Let’s go kids and spend as much of Daddy’s money.

•         So many things to my son about me being horrible led by your dad is a horrible person

She then came down n my den and started to threaten me. I tell her over and over again to leave me alone. She would have hit me again if I talked back to her. I just kept calling for our niece and for her to leave me alone.  She tried to throw the garbage can and then threw a plastic lid at me and hit me in the arm.

I then went up to our niece and told her that everything will be ok and hugged her. I put her down and my wife made her go to her room. When she was in there I heard her crying so I went to comfort her. My wife then told me to leave her alone because I have nothing to do with her and I am not even a relative. This after I have been the closest thing to a father to her, her whole life. She started to cry harder. My niece loves me and she knows how my wife is. I try to help her not get in trouble by giving her advice. She is closest to me than anyone else.

This is a day in the life. Before this, I went through weeks of love and complete euphoria. Might sound like I am exaggerating but I love life so much when she is not having an episode.

A couple random additional items:

•         She did agree to go to psychiatrist a long time ago. The doctor saw me after and said she has a lot of issues and said she would have had to see here more but she told me she appears to have BPD. She also told me that she quite possible will never be able to fix herself because she is so reluctant to her having any problem.  My thank you to the doctor was stop seeing her because my wife made me promises to make everything perfect (I notice now, she never said she would get help, she said make things perfect.

•         She has hit me in the past including twice punching me in the face. This has not happened much because I distance myself and if the kids are around she wouldn’t.

•         When things are great, they are great

•         She is ok with my kids from my first marriage but does little things such as she stays in her bedroom when they are over, when she can. She also complains about them to me and I beg/tell her that they are good kids and that they are MY kids  to not be mean. Such as when she called my 14 year old daughter a bhit (to me, not her)

•         When things are bad, it is like living in hell

•         Most men marry there mom, I married my dad because she acts just like him

•         I keep notes and she went and deleted all of them. Went thru my e-mails, text messages. Always finds something “wrong” that I wrote, even though I do nothing wrong and try so hard not to.

I have so, so much more to write that this could be a book. Instead of giving more, I will get to I guess what I really am torn about. What do I do? If I leave, the courts will see me as leaving and I will not have custody of my son.  Also, I would love it is things would work out (wow, did I actually just wrote that?) I know that sounds crazy but to go through a divorce again and to not have my son nearly as much as I do now would kill me. I don’t know what to do. One thought of mine is if it is hard to be married to her, try being divorced! She would make my life even more hell, no? She uses my children as it is against me, how would it be if we were divorced?  I tried to do everything to now upset her but I can’t seem to stop her getting mad at me. I see something said, done by me or anyone and I see her eyes and now she is now the beast.

Now she left with the kids, took my keys and mouse for my computer (using old one) and will not reply to texting or phone calls. She has been gone for 6 hours now.

Thank you everyone for reading my message and god bless anyone that is going through what I am.

[tryingtogetit]

You clearly are living in a very volatile situation right now. You must feel constantly under fire with no idea where the next round comes from; and when.

You're so right to look for support from outside and you're right: you are at the right place and there are many many people here with similar stories. The good side of that is that there are a lot of resources here that can help improve your life and your experience of it.

The LESSONS https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0 which you can find in the Board L5 'Staying... . ' is the best and most complete place to start. It will give you understanding and skills to use in practical situations.

It sounds like you actually don't want a divorce (yet). And it sounds you wouldn't want to abandon the children either. There is likely a whole lot that can improve in their lives because of you. Which is the positive news. Check out the success stories on the staying board. It won't happen overnight and it will take commitment but aside from your relationship, the skills you learn will turn out a great personal investment and help you everywhere!

You're on the right track, good luck!

[Surnia]

Hi MarriedtoBPDNJ

and welcome here.

So sorry about what brought you here! 

And great you found the courage to reach out for support.

I hear you, there are quite abusive elements in your rs. First of all: Physical violence.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men.

Reading through your lines about the car radio: Telling someone that he is ugly is verbal abusive. I see also boundary issues. Many of us are giving in to avoid conflict. So we loose our space more and more. I agree with tryingtogetit about some reading in the LESSONS.

Your situation is not easy and you have a certain pattern in your relationships.

May I ask you, are you working with a therapist for your own?

Please keep in touch, MarriedtoBPDNJ!

[confusedhubby]

Hi married BPDNJ.

Sorry to hear of your hurt. Sounds a lot like my problems. I am in NJ as well. If you wish to contact me directly I think I may have some helpful suggestions for you to help with some of your probems -- especially some of your legal ones from my previous expriences. 

[empower-me]

You know MTBPDNJ,

The only way things can get better is for you to create a different set of circumstances.  I know you're scared of setting her off but what is the difference?  You are dealing with some pretty funky stuff here!

The badgering in front of your kids not to mention what she's doing to your self esteem with all that belittling and name calling.

Once she hits you or even if she is verbally abusing you and following you around in the house, You can call the police and make a police report for her hitting you especially.  Have you ever considered this?

This sets up boundaries and helps them appreciate that their behavior is NOT acceptable by any means.

Until we put our foot down and do something to change it they will just get nastier and nastier.

I know that this can set them off bigtime so you have to be ready for whatever consequences happen but what are you options really?

SHe isn't allowed to just beat on you and then act like that.  It's so horrible to live through, I know.   I did it for years until I had to call 911 and that led to the restraining order and him having to leave.

So you have a lot to think about but until you are able to get out of that mess, however you decide to do it, it will be pretty miserable until then.    I hope you can stay strong thruout this ordeal and keep the kids safe.   so sorry you are enduring so much pain.