What do we have he right to be angry about?

[Undone123]

Naturally I go through bouts of feeling quite angry about it all... . I can't identify what I'm angry at my ex for, because I quickly rationalise the emotion with "it's a disorder, it's worse for her" and "life's to short, forgive".

But it reoccurs this anger.

Do we as non's have any right to be angry at them about anything? Even if we suffered abuse, is that not explainable by the fact this is a disorder? What do I have the right to even be angry about I shouldn't have stayed I deserved the punishment?

[Perfidy]

Apparently anger is just an emotion that we feel as part of the process of grieving. I would suppose that each person could rationalize a specific reason for their anger. It was explained to me a long time ago like this. Grieving. First you get mad. Then you get sad. Then you get glad. Hope that can help you.

[Emelie Emelie]

I am angry that my BPDxbf knows he has the disorder and doesn't get help.  He just keeps hurting people.  He uses it as an excuse for his behavior.  When he told me about it and asked me to do some homework and decide if I could deal with it I did.  I told him some of what I've read scares me.  He got mad and said "Oh, so it's all about you." 

[Validation78]

Hi Undone!

Your feelings are your feelings, they don't have to be justified, they just are.  Anger is to be expected after (while in) a relationship with a pwBPD. Sometimes we are angry because we feel like victims, because we allowed ourselves to be abused, because we feel out of control, because we are hurting. Whatever the reason, it's alright to express your feelings, acknowledge them, and process them. Eventually, you will be able to put it all in a healthy perspective, and look back with less anger because you are compassionate and do understand that BPD is a mental illness. That's a good long term goal once you've processed everything.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[dangoldfool]

Naturally I go through bouts of feeling quite angry about it all... . I can't identify what I'm angry at my ex for, because I quickly rationalise the emotion with "it's a disorder, it's worse for her" and "life's to short, forgive".

But it reoccurs this anger.

Do we as non's have any right to be angry at them about anything? Even if we suffered abuse, is that not explainable by the fact this is a disorder? What do I have the right to even be angry about I shouldn't have stayed I deserved the punishment?

I think anger is are first self defense reaction. Surly we didn't do anything wrong we think. But if we are honest with our self, we did. Maybe not as offensive wrongs, but it takes two to play ball. one to catch one to throw. Firstly we did not recognize in ourselves are, low self esteem, rescuing, low boundaries, were not healthy for a quality relationship to begin with. Look at all the people on here after the fact saying. I don't know why I ever got involved with this person. I see the red flags all over the place now. They were there from the start, weren't they?

Now if your like me. I didn't recognize my issues. I thought I was OK. Really I didn't  know relationships were this complicated.

But after getting some T for this break-up. I see a lot of wrongs I did. I had little to no boundaries. I was # 1 rescuer in the world. my self esteem was as low as it could get and a dozen other things. I just did not recognize this about myself. 

Now I can say my ex GF used me, or she tricked me, or she lied to me. And all this would be true. But If I were in a healthy mind set. None of this would have happened because, I would have not have put up with anything close to this type of treatment. Remember its always easer to point fingers at the other person, But as you do, there is three finger pointing back at you.

Look into what is going on with you, what role did you play?

My GF break-up should be looked at as a blessing for me, as hard as that is for me to imagine right now. But in time I recognize it as such. As I heal myself. I can look forward to a new healthy relationship with someone who truly loves me and I love them, the way all healthy relationships should be.

Don't be to hard on yourself. You didn't cause the break-up You are just part of two dysfunctional people, in a relationship that was doomed from the start. You just didn't know it at that time.

Have the anger but, let it go. Heal yourself. 

               

[obtunded]

Do we as non's have any right to be angry at them about anything? Even if we suffered abuse, is that not explainable by the fact this is a disorder? What do I have the right to even be angry about I shouldn't have stayed I deserved the punishment?

We have the right to be angry, sad, confused, depressed, or even be in denial. Anytime someone abuses you, there is some kind of disorder. It could be drugs, alcohol, mental illness, or all of the above. YOUR feelings are yours to feel... . do not feel as if being angry is wrong... . it's normal.

The problem comes when the anger leads to revenge or further abuse towards the one with disorder. Recognize the anger, but don't let it control you. They will use your anger to further their abuse back at you and blame YOU for making THEM abuse YOU! It is so twisted.

Find a non-damaging way to release it and realize that BPDs are emotional children in adult bodies... . I get mad at my kids too, but I see them as children and treat them differently than adults. Don't excuse their behavior or allow yourself to continue to be abused, but understand where it comes from so you can behave as the adult... . because they can't.

[Just Stumbling Along]

We do have a right to be angry!

S/O has BPD, I'm sorry.  However that does not excuse the behavior.  Obviously I have some issues that caused me to alibi the warnings and put up with this for as long as I did.  But as I see it pwBPD is a predator that sensed these vulnerabilities and exploited them.  I know that I have issues and am trying to work on them. 

My issues NEVER caused me to lie, cheat, steal, be violent, or be unfair to her.  In my case, and I believe with most pwBPD, they know that their behavior is unacceptable.  That is why they go to such efforts to deceive and hide it.

Whether or not they know the cause, they know that this is what they feel compelled to do.  This is how they get through life.  That is sad and a terrible thing.

But when we are dating and talking and I am telling you how important it is that my partner is faithful and honest; DON'T tell me that you would never cheat or lie, when you know that you always cheat and lie; when in fact you are cheating on me at that time and lying about it and about never cheating and lying.  Tell me that we don't get along, we're too different, anything.  Just let me go along my way and find someone that can meet my expectations.

Mentally I understand that this is expecting a pwBPD to act in a manner that they are not capable of.  I get it.  But, Emotionally, this happened to me personally.  My emotional response is anger at the betrayal, deceit, humiliation, and abuse.

I also understand that anger is a two edged sword.  Maybe initially it helps detach from them, but the anger that still consumes me now is not healthy.  I am trying to find a way to purge this anger and heal.

[Undone123]

Thanks for the responses! What I'm finding difficult is the conflict of emotions really... . I'd never be vindictive or vengeful like my ex is, but on the one hand I feel love and compassion, and on the other its anger. Its directed towards her. I'm angry at her for so much, yet I feel so much compassion and love for the same person. Now I'm not a black and white thinker, I go through life thinking most people are "ok", I see the good and bad... . But with my ex it's extremes. I feel undying love, and yet the most bitter anger... . I accept our relationship is over, but what I'm finding hard to accept is the reality that my entire relationship was a facade in which only my feelings of love had any long standing meaning.

[obtunded]

Anger will be released one way or another. Do NOT let the borderline win. You have a choice and can help make it easier. Learning about BPD has been very helpful for me. Talking to close friends (who had NO idea what kind of hell I was living in) also helped. It may sound silly, but a natural environment can help. Getting away from the "civilized" world and spending time in the woods allows the brain to relax, unwind, and begin to heal itself. Exercise, meditation, proper nutrition also help. Realizing that I need to work on ME and make MY needs, not hers, the priority so I can care for our two children and not allow BPD to damage them too. Re-commit to yourself, your career or goals. You will be able to get past this and have the knowledge not to let yourself fall into their trap again. They will be left with themselves... . how sad is that. 

[Scout99]

Thanks for the responses! What I'm finding difficult is the conflict of emotions really... . I'd never be vindictive or vengeful like my ex is, but on the one hand I feel love and compassion, and on the other its anger. Its directed towards her. I'm angry at her for so much, yet I feel so much compassion and love for the same person. Now I'm not a black and white thinker, I go through life thinking most people are "ok", I see the good and bad... . But with my ex it's extremes. I feel undying love, and yet the most bitter anger... . I accept our relationship is over, but what I'm finding hard to accept is the reality that my entire relationship was a facade in which only my feelings of love had any long standing meaning.

Conflict of moods, and experiencing the extremes of both loving on one hand and anger on the other, in short ambivalence in feelings is an extremely painful place to be in... .

In fact we can't really sustain such conflicted emotions for very long because it is just too frustrating, so we tend to eventually choose one from the other... . Some of us choose to begin with to stay angry for a long time, which prolongs the healing process a bit. But in the end most of us, since we are a compassionate breed, transfer to feelings of forgiveness or at least indifference in the end, and from that healing and closure comes... .

Likes most have already said, it is ok to be angry, for a while. It really has to be. Since despite the disorder, some or many of the hurtful things that our former loved ones have inflicted upon us are horrible and if nothing else incredibly unfair. That has to be allowed to be acknowledged!

Later it becomes about us and how we choose to process it... . An important part of that is to acknowledge what it is that makes us angry, be specific about it. Since anger is just a secondary emotion. Anger begins with our thoughts. And the more of our angry thoughts we manage to identify and expose and bring to the table, so to speak. The easier it gets to let them go... .

The irony in this, the ambivalence between extremes that you so eloquently describe however also give us a small glimpse of what it is like to be them... . At the core of an unstable self is just ambivalence in feelings, and just like we feel in times of break up and post break up war, is reminiscent of what life is like to them every day of their lives... . We have the advantage of being able to process our anger, and to self soothe... . They don't. But even if there is an explanation behind why they create so much hurt around them, it is not in itself a an excuse. And it does not make it illegitimate for us to be angry about it or feel hurt by it.

I think the reluctance of showing or even allowing the feelings of anger to surface is one of the many things that connect many of us who have been hurt or lived in turbulent r/s's with pwBPD. We are often a little bit too good at swallowing and taking hits... . And an important part to deal with in our own recovery. At least it has and is for me... .

Simply put, it has to be allowed to feel and express anger, when we have been hurt... .

Best wishes

Scout99

[obtunded]

I accept our relationship is over, but what I'm finding hard to accept is the reality that my entire relationship was a facade in which only my feelings of love had any long standing meaning.

I hated this feeling too. When you see behind the curtain, it really is devastating. But I also feel that I shouldn't feel as much of a "loss" as I would had this been a true relationship and the other person died... . that would be SO much more painful I think. For me, it's regret; a simple loss of the time I spent with her when I could have been with someone who is emotionally mature. I feel like I've been in a movie theater and now the ending credits are rolling and it's time to go back to the real world. Sad, but it really was just make-believe.

[MammaMia]

Once you get past the anger and see the reality of this devastating disorder for what it actually is, you can move on.  Look back at the relationship and be grateful you still have a future ... . you still have opportunities.

PwBPD are severely mentally disordered.  They are not in control, and at some point you have to accept that and allow yourself to forgive and forget.  Revenge is NOT the answer.

With forgiveness comes the opportunity to improve your own life.  But first, you must learn to let go of the past.

[Learning_curve74]

I am angry at myself for almost turning into somebody I'm not because I thought my BPDex could be somebody she's not. Oh wait, who's on first? 

[Bach Cantatas]

" What I'm finding difficult is the conflict of emotions really... . I'd never be vindictive or vengeful like my ex is, but on the one hand I feel love and compassion, and on the other its anger. Its directed towards her. I'm angry at her for so much, yet I feel so much compassion and love for the same person. Now I'm not a black and white thinker, I go through life thinking most people are "ok", I see the good and bad... . But with my ex it's extremes. I feel undying love, and yet the most bitter anger... . I accept our relationship is over, but what I'm finding hard to accept is the reality that my entire relationship was a facade in which only my feelings of love had any long standing meaning. "

I too struggled with the issue of anger and yet I finally saw that what we have to be angry about (if anything) is the nature of life. BPD results from factors so complex and beyond our control that I think we nons find ourselves presented with a situation that is so unfair, painful and hard for all involved, yet no one involved bears full responsibility. Such pain comes from living and feeling in an imperfect world. The true thing I feel is to recognise the immense sadness that accompanies this situation we find ourselves in and simply accept it as coming from living and to use it to value life and the future.

[Undone123]

Thanks for the responses. It has given me food for though !

The anger I feel is a lot to do with the lies that have been said about me... . Now do we have the right to feel angry about those? Because BPD is associated with lying isn't it? is that the disorder as well?

[Scout99]

Thanks for the responses. It has given me food for though !

The anger I feel is a lot to do with the lies that have been said about me... . Now do we have the right to feel angry about those? Because BPD is associated with lying isn't it? is that the disorder as well?

Yes you have every right to be angry about being lied to!

Sure lying is often a distorted and dysfunctional coping mechanism that pw BPD resort to in order to either relive themselves of pain or get some need of theirs fulfilled. But that doesn't make us vaccinate us from being hurt when being on the receiving end of it... .

The disorder may serve as an explanation as to why they are lying, but it is not an excuse. And it does not mean that we have to put up with it.

Knowing it is a part of their disorder may perhaps serve as a means for us to a little bit more easily when the anger has subsided, let go of the hurt and move on. But it can never be a reason to stay in something that continues to hurt us or break our boundaries.

So go girl! Let those feelings out and get hold of the thoughts that sets them off and then when the anger subsides - let go!

Venting here is one of the best ways to also refer from revenge, since that is usually not helpful, but just brings on more hurt - on us... .

So keep posting and keep in touch! We are here for you, and we understand, since we have either been where you are or are right smack in the middle of it now... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Perfidy]

Hope you are having a better day! Just keep going one foot in front of the other and pay attention to what's right in front of you. It is getting a little easier for me. This support forum has been my lifeline. I am in a desolate place with nobody to turn to. If I survive this I will be the strongest person that I have ever met.


Just remember that we will heal. There is no cure for BPD. It can only be treated.

[rosannadanna]

Scout, you are my new favorite poster!You have very profound and useful insights, IMO.

This is one:

I think the reluctance of showing or even allowing the feelings of anger to surface is one of the many things that connect many of us who have been hurt or lived in turbulent r/s's with pwBPD. We are often a little bit too good at swallowing and taking hits... . And an important part to deal with in our own recovery. At least it has and is for me... .

Knowing it is a part of their disorder may perhaps serve as a means for us to a little bit more easily when the anger has subsided, let go of the hurt and move on. But it can never be a reason to stay in something that continues to hurt us or break our boundaries.

I personally think alot of nons get stuck in "something that continues to hurt us" b/c of our codependent tendencies to be afraid to show or even feel anger.  I know this is what keeps me stuck, along with "being a compassionate breed":

In fact we can't really sustain such conflicted emotions for very long because it is just too frustrating, so we tend to eventually choose one from the other... . Some of us choose to begin with to stay angry for a long time, which prolongs the healing process a bit. But in the end most of us, since we are a compassionate breed, transfer to feelings of forgiveness or at least indifference in the end, and from that healing and closure comes... .

I had a conversation with a male colleague this weekend and sort of had a turning point from "compassionate acceptance" to anger that my one lousy boundary was violated.  I also realized that my ex'es sharing of very detailed information about his daily actions throughout his day and general talkativeness was a strategy to give the illusion of honesty while ommitting very improtant information (like even though you asked me to tell you if I was thinking about having sex with someone else before I did it, I violated that boundary and decided to have sex before telling you). My friend also offered his interpretation of radical acceptance:  One has to radically accept that if we fall in love, we could be dumped or our partner could die.  I reminded myself during our conversation of something that I know but struggle with:  In addition to radically accepting that my ex has BPD, I  must radically accept that while he is a generally good person, he is a terrible partner for me.

I think we must feel the anger hard to really detach, expecially if we are prone to excusing our ex'es behavior b/c of the BPD.  I am just now letting it wash over me and it feels weird but good.  I am actually starting to want to flirt and interact with other men.  Yay.  Finally.  

[Undone123]

How can we proccess it when unable to confront them? and get it off the proverbial chest?

My situation is... . still detatching, out 5 months. Tried dating, and not ready. Can't contact ex due to police threats and I'm angry. I've done the inner searching, identified my own families dysfunction and problems, and resolved these... . I'm dealing with the anxiety created through meditating and being aware of my feelings. But man I just want to confront her and call her an "abusive liar", thats all... . I've been far too nice and taken far too much crap, and I just wish I could go back and have called her an abusive liar at the time and walk away.

[Conundrum]

I think using anger as a cathartic coping tool serves a limited purpose. The root of the anger often is that there was some form of perceived implied contract between the couple that was breached. Idealization, (aka magical thinking) is a potent bargaining tool that effectively persuades nons to give up the goods (their vulnerability). After the demise, we nons often feel as if a fraud was committed on our souls. Consequently the anger sets in!

However, if we are going to allege fraud, did we really enter into an implied or express contract (marriage) with an individual who was competent to bargain in the first place? The state (thankfully as far as I know) does not have the power to screen out, or ban those who are incompetent, from entering into implied or express romantic contracts.

Therefore, while anger may be a cathartic coping tool, perhaps we simply made a bad agreement with a person who was inherently incompetent to enter into or perform the contract. So, is it a case of caveat emptor, or a misrepresentation by an incompetent party--or something else entirely?   Perhaps expecting a pwBPD to specifically perform (or even reasonably perform) a romantic contract, is like asking the wind to blow out a fire. If it's a candle, no problem, but when it's a forest there's an inferno. Matters of the heart scorch deeply, but we choose our reactions. Anger, compassion, or something in between.   

[seeking balance]

Great question!

We ALL have a right to our emotions and anger is a very real and necessary emotion.

Among other things, anger tells us when our boundaries have been crossed, it gives us energy to get away from bad situations, it has a very real purpose.

Now, how we ACT on our anger is the key to healthy emotional awareness.  Being spiteful or plain out mean is not an emotionally mature way of expressing anger - but anger should be expressed.

How can we proccess it when unable to confront them? and get it off the proverbial chest?

My situation is... . still detatching, out 5 months. Tried dating, and not ready. Can't contact ex due to police threats and I'm angry. I've done the inner searching, identified my own families dysfunction and problems, and resolved these... . I'm dealing with the anxiety created through meditating and being aware of my feelings. But man I just want to confront her and call her an "abusive liar", thats all... . I've been far too nice and taken far too much crap, and I just wish I could go back and have called her an abusive liar at the time and walk away.

Write it all down, say it outloud to a friend or therapist, post it here - it is ok to let it out. 

Say, "I am angry you lied and now my life is in chaos" (or whatever is the case). 

I walked the beach many-a-time having a conversation in my own head - but not with the ex.

Our exes are not capable of giving us any sort of validation of our feelings in this - so, going to them is only going to make it worse for everyone.

Eventually the anger fades and the tears fall - it is the natural grief cycle.

Great Thread and question!

[dangoldfool]

I like the walking on the beach idea. I just wish they had a device, where I could be as loud as my ipod music, shouting profanities about my ex and nobody would see or hear me. Like a cloaking device. Got that apple.   I only want 20% for the idea. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Anger is anger, and we all have good reasons to be angry, having been on the receiving end of the disorder.  It is also a necessary part of the detachment and grieving process, just make sure you don't get stuck there, which is possible, but more likely depression will follow, followed by acceptance, and we come out the other side older, wiser, maybe a few more wrinkles.

And sure, a BPD has a personality disorder, which isn't their fault, but that does not relieve them from responsibility for their actions.  Then again, the emotional development of a BPD was stopped at some point, a childish point in my case, so how much responsibility can you really require of an emotional child and expect them to follow through?  During the anger phase it might feel good to yell "grow the fck up!" either literally or figuratively at our BPD exes, but is that really possible?  Sure, with years of therapy, but probably won't happen.  So we never get closure, or apologies, or anything that feels real, the good news being we get to find ways to give it to ourselves.  Take care of you.