Did anything change the second time around

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well it's been three months since we last talked at that point I laid down my boundaries and she disappeared... . And out of the blue I get a text saying that she is sorry for being so horrible to me, she realizes she was mean because she was trying to push me away because she couldn't handle her feelings... .  I told her I understood and I really do understand why she pushed me away... . It's who she is as a person I'm sure many of you can relate... . So we texted and talked for awhile and she would like to see me... . I am sure it's a recycle I'm sure she broke up with someone, we did have good times when we were together I always took things alot mor casual then she did, the drama doesn't really bother me at all... . Just wondering how many have gone through something similar and did anything chane the second time around after you had set your boundaries any comments would be helpful.

Thanks : )

[Mark2430]

Well it's been three months since we last talked at that point I laid down my boundaries and she disappeared... . And out of the blue I get a text saying that she is sorry for being so horrible to me, she realizes she was mean because she was trying to push me away because she couldn't handle her feelings... .  I told her I understood and I really do understand why she pushed me away... . It's who she is as a person I'm sure many of you can relate... . So we texted and talked for awhile and she would like to see me... . I am sure it's a recycle I'm sure she broke up with someone, we did have good times when we were together I always took things alot mor casual then she did, the drama doesn't really bother me at all... . Just wondering how many have gone through something similar and did anything chane the second time around after you had set your boundaries any comments would be helpful.

Thanks : )

[Octoberfest]

I recycled with my BPDex countless times, but the longest was like 3 weeks inbetween.

Honestly, if it were not for the cheating that she did I would be with her still.  Nothing but the lies and the cheating really bothered me or broke it for me.

[Onmyown]

Yep this has happned to me... . SEVERAl times.

I too miss all the fun we (he was lucid at that time) and we would talk about what went wrong, he would really show he was sorry and wanted to show me he would doit again if I would only give him another chance.

I would, again.

Then something would go wrong at work, his life or he would project something on to me and the n the past would re-surface.  It would be uglier than the last time he would rage on me.

Yes, things will be great at first, then... .

It's part of BPD.

You just need to decide if you're willing to go through the heal cycle from your re-cycle.

Hope this helps a little.

[Mark2430]

Yeah, I can relate totally and I always looked at her actions instead of her words... . Thanks for the reply I kinda figure this will go on as long as I allow it to happen. I'm wondering if it will make a difference if we just keep it light and casual or does it make a difference, the last time obviously we were in the Initial infatuation phase and I played right into it until I finally set some boundaries, I think our relationship really was a struggle for her, I didn't play into the drama and I would just walk away when the rage began and the verbal abuse, and then I would give her space, and when I told her these were my boundaries she called me cocky and dissapeared on me only to surface a week later, but I stayed strong and let her know how I expect her to treat me and what I will do if she doesn't, and then we went no contact

[Perfidy]

All I can say is what octoberfest said to me about boundaries. Your boundaries aren't to control her. They are for you.

  Now having told her what your boundaries are that kind of gives her some buttons to push.

It's like if you don't want her to get your goat then don't tell her where its tied up.

     Boundaries is a tough one.

[Mark2430]

Thanks I understand that completely, by setting my boundaries with her I didn't actually give her a list of things I will and won't tolerate I just let her know by my actions what I will and will not allow, I'm not codependent and I think that can be a huge problem in a relationship with someone with BPD... . My happiness comes from me not her, that's also something I an e learned on this site when I was on it months ago when we first broke up... and I was looking for answers all I got was more questions ... .

[Perfidy]

when I told her these were my boundaries she called me cocky and dissapeared on me only to surface a week later, but I stayed strong and let her know how I expect her to treat me and what I will do if she doesn't, and then we went no contact



Ok I must have misread this.

[Octoberfest]

I think it is pretty easy to lose oneself doing when involved with a BPD. They reside on a VERY slippery slope.  If you compromise even one little, teeny tiny boundary, it opens a floodgate and before you know it you are in a relationship tolerating things that you NEVER would have imagined.

My relationship with my BPDex was the first I have ever had.  When I thought about dating people before I actually did it, I of course said, "If they cheat, it's over, right there and then". 

When I actually started dating my BPDex, it was an entirely different story.  I found myself going back repeatedly to someone who did nothing but cheat on me... . and each time, it was ME who sought her out and almost fought to get her back. I was addicted... .

When we are true to ourselves, when we set boundaries that allow us to live our lives and wake up each morning and look into the mirror and be proud of that person, of the life that person is living, we are doing it RIGHT.  If a person is not willing to abide by the rules that we as individuals set out (rules that generally are not asking for much; honesty, faithfulness, accountability, whatever you personally demand), then we do not really need and shouldn't really want that person in our lives anyways.  It is just like playing a game.  For every game there are rules. If you want to play the game, you play by the rules.

It is not a poor reflection on us if our partners are not able to conduct themselves with respect, honor, and integrity.

[Clearmind]

Drama doesn't bother you? Can you explain this a bit more?

[Mark2430]

When she would rage on me I would tell her she's being ridiculous and to just contact me when she calmed down, I didn't stay around for the drama I would leave or if she would text me that she thought we needed a break I would respond with "k" and not get baited into the name calling and arguing that's what I meant by not being bothered by it, thankfully I found this site early on and it really helped me alot early on. I realize I have to out myself first and take care of me... . It's really too bad that you don't see alot of long term success in relationships with people with BPD unless thy are aware and getting help and even then it see like it's a tough road

[Gaslit]

Mark2430 - I have done this for myself and I recommend that you do this: Go back and read in order, all of your posts here.