Painted black because he's hungry

[hnejeknf]

Very frustrating because it happens so often! I'm painted black because he can't regulate he's on eating habits independently. My so with BPD is totally aware he gets cranky when he's hungry but still let's it happen. Then blames me for not feeding him. We eat. No apology... . Just silence...   Does any one else see the relationship between healthy eating habits and regulating emotions?

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[SadWifeofBPD]

I'm sorry that you got raged at.  Can you keep "quick and easy" food in the fridge that he can grab and eat when hungry? 

I've read somewhere that poor eating habits can be common w/ pwBPD.  It sure is with my H.  He has horrible eating habits.  He won't eat all day (his choice) and then he'll eat all night... . junk food.

I'll make dinner and he'll eat a lot at that point (because he hasn't eaten all day), then he'll say he's very full, but then around 11pm, he'll get hungry and snack all night.  When I wake up in the morning, there are crumbs everywhere. 

When H stayed with his brother, his brother noticed his bad eating habits and tried to change them, but never made any progress. 

On H's days off, I make breakfast, and he does eat that.  I'll make lunch and he'll eat.  But, on work days, he usually doesn't eat until he comes home.  Bad. 

[waverider]

To a degree this is fairly common in men, PD or not. I know i am a bit cranky if I'm hungry. Difference is I do something about it. I guess a pwBPD doesn't accept responsibility, and neediness dictates that it is your job to ensure it doesn't happen.

  Can you keep "quick and easy" food in the fridge that he can grab and eat when hungry? 

I've read somewhere that poor eating habits can be common w/ pwBPD.  It sure is with my H.  He has horrible eating habits.  He won't eat all day (his choice) and then he'll eat all night... . junk food.

This is true for my partner also, its all part of an inability to regulate their life as well as emotions. Eating reactively rather than proactively, which is what set mealtimes are all about. By the time the hunger impulse kicks in it has already affected their mood.

Easy grab left overs etc are a good idea otherwise it is just junk and snack food

[SadWifeofBPD]

Easy grab left overs etc are a good idea otherwise it is just junk and snack food

What are some EZ grab foods that your H likes to eat?

Cut up fruit?

cut up cheeses or string cheese?

yogurt?

cold cuts in some pre-made sandwiches in baggies?

A friend of mine takes rectangular shaped storage containers (about 6" X 8" X 2" and puts meal sized foods in them for her H to grab when he's hungry or to take to work with him.   One might have some mashed potatoes in one spot, some leftover stew in another spot.  These containers can be put in the microwave for a quick meal or late night snack/meal. 

I guess a pwBPD doesn't accept responsibility, and neediness dictates that it is your job to ensure it doesn't happen.

Yes, because if they're having a bad feeling (hunger, cold, heat, etc), then it must be their caretaker's fault.

[hnejeknf]

The hardest part is, I want to stand back and let him sort it out for himself, ( he can bear the conciquences of being hungry) but I am the food provide (Ido the food shopping). And feel guilty for not having steak in the fridge "like he's mum would". My response is if we could afford it we would but at the moment can't (due to him not working).  We have two kids and one on the way, I don't have time for to his childish Behaviour. Am I being too tough?

[waverider]

yes and no. He needs consequences for his neediness and you dont have to bend over to pander, but on the other hand the can't just step up to the mark.

No you dont have to put up with attitude because he is hungry

No you dont have to put food in his mouth no pamper to what his diet wishlist is

Yes make options available, such as left over pasta or other options such as sadwife suggests, so there is always something to eat without preparation (my partner wont even microwave them, but eats them cold). The choice, and consequences of whether it takes up the option is his.

I don't have time for to his childish Behaviour

The problem with this approach and no compromise is that it just fuels it, by allowing him to play victim and it escalates affecting you even more. But neither do you need to justify everything

[SadWifeofBPD]

And feel guilty for not having steak in the fridge "like he's mum would". My response is if we could afford it we would but at the moment can't (due to him not working

Ok, obviously this is ridiculous because his mom likely had a source of money (her job?  her H's job?) that paid for those steaks.  That source of money doesn't exist in your household.

So... . what are some appropriate responses that she can give that won't sound snotty?  Of course, our gut response would be somethng like, "sure, I'll keep the fridge loaded with filet mignon as soon as you have a job that can pay for it."  But, of course, that would only make things worse (even if we are thinking those words... . ) 

So, what can she say that will validate her H, but also give a short response that reflects the truth (that there isn't money for steaks, etc). 

Or, do you ignore the steak issue completely, and just say, "there's pasta made that can be easily heated up."  ?

[waverider]

That's the beauty of leftovers, it's the same as everyone else is having. If the family can afford steak then steak it is, if the family has to live off bread pudding then bread pudding it is. He is no more, or less, special than anyone else. No need to get into "If you got a job etc... . ", that just takes you of on another tangent. You have made allowances for him as far as him wanting to eat at times that suit him, rather than you. ie demonstrated that you are not controlling, yet neither seriously inconvenienced anyone else.

Expanding as to why Steak is not on the budget is heading towards JADE territory. Thats what the family budget allows for that's it.

Do not get drawn into comparisons with Mum, they are not relevant and might not even be completely true, that can head you towards triangulation issues with his mother. Ignore any references to third parties, they are irrelevant and baiting.

[maryy16]

This sure hits home!  Rages are a certainty when my H gets hungry.  Most of the time this can be avoided as long as we are at home, but if we are out, it becomes more difficult... . mostly because it seems to come on so quickly.  We can be having a good time, then all of a sudden he's hungry and his entire mood changes.

I always try to plan to eat first before we go anywhere or if we are going to be gone all day, make sure we plan to stop and eat somewhere.  When we travel by car, I make sure to bring crackers for him to eat so we can get to the next stopping point without an incident.

[123Phoebe]

Hi hnejeknf 

Wow, sounds frustrating!

Just wondering if your H has had a physical exam recently?  Crabbiness around hunger could be the cause of low blood sugar or something else... .

In any case, keeping quick handy foods available sounds like a great place to start   Perhaps a nice cold bowl of chopped liver?   Just kidding.

I try not to take things too personally or too seriously... .   by keeping a good perspective on it.  This way, when the real heavy stuff emerges, I have more strength

[maxsterling]

I've noticed this connection between food and mood.  She is the same age as me -37.  If I am hungry I solve the problem myself.  If she is hungry and I am not around, she will message me "what should we do about dinner".  I don't see why she doesn't just find a snack or her own meal - it would not bother me. 

This has been a constant issue for us.  She can't order at a restaurant until she knows what I am ordering.  And she has a hard time making up her mind. 

I feel like she makes it my responsibility to make sure she is fed.  But then she says she feels I am too codependent because I cook for her 80% of the time.