Help -she hit me.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First of all, I am brand new here.  My live in girlfriend has BPD - she has been diagnosed and in the past has gone through treatment. 

Since she has moved in, the relationship has trended mostly downhill.  Every few weeks she screams at me, rages, and calls me names.  It's usually something she is stressed about that has nothing to do with me, and it's usually a small thing.  And then I may do something simple like move a piece of furniture and she can't handle it, and explodes on me.

I've known she has BPD, I see a therapist, and I have read books about how to approach things differently.  All of that has helped, and helped me not spiral down into oblivion the past few months.

But two nights ago, as I was trying to flee her screaming, she ran after me and started hitting me.  I bear hugged her so that she could not swing her arms, told her to calm down and then said that if she didn't I would have to call for help - maybe the police.  I released her, and she continued screaming, then accused me of trying to choke her, and said that if I called the police she would tell them that I tried to choke her.  I slept on the sofa, and she left the next morning and has been staying with a friend.

Last night she sent me a text message that said "i miss you".  I haven't yet responded. 

I don't think she understands how serious this is.  I can't accept any violence in my house, and can't accept any more screaming.  So right now I am taking a deep breath and wondering if this is in any way a fixable situation.  I can stand by her as she seeks treatment - but right now she is not seeing a therapist or on medications.  Is there a chance she will ever be able to control these violent outbursts?  If not, I should probably just tell her to move her things out now.  If there is a chance that with proper therapy and medication things can be mostly peaceful, I am willing to stand by her.  My friends are worried for my safety, or worried she will hurt herself and then blame it on me and I could face legal trouble. 

Any advice on this situation would be much appreciated.

[maxsterling]

First of all, I am brand new here.  My live in girlfriend has BPD - she has been diagnosed and in the past has gone through treatment. 

Since she has moved in, the relationship has trended mostly downhill.  Every few weeks she screams at me, rages, and calls me names.  It's usually something she is stressed about that has nothing to do with me, and it's usually a small thing.  And then I may do something simple like move a piece of furniture and she can't handle it, and explodes on me.

I've known she has BPD, I see a therapist, and I have read books about how to approach things differently.  All of that has helped, and helped me not spiral down into oblivion the past few months.

But two nights ago, as I was trying to flee her screaming, she ran after me and started hitting me.  I bear hugged her so that she could not swing her arms, told her to calm down and then said that if she didn't I would have to call for help - maybe the police.  I released her, and she continued screaming, then accused me of trying to choke her, and said that if I called the police she would tell them that I tried to choke her.  I slept on the sofa, and she left the next morning and has been staying with a friend.

Last night she sent me a text message that said "i miss you".  I haven't yet responded. 

I don't think she understands how serious this is.  I can't accept any violence in my house, and can't accept any more screaming.  So right now I am taking a deep breath and wondering if this is in any way a fixable situation.  I can stand by her as she seeks treatment - but right now she is not seeing a therapist or on medications.  Is there a chance she will ever be able to control these violent outbursts?  If not, I should probably just tell her to move her things out now.  If there is a chance that with proper therapy and medication things can be mostly peaceful, I am willing to stand by her.  My friends are worried for my safety, or worried she will hurt herself and then blame it on me and I could face legal trouble. 

Any advice on this situation would be much appreciated.

[dotSlash]

Hi Max,

Surprising how we posted our situations within the same hour, and they are so similar! Mine is here. I have had physical occurrences with my gf as well, and although they have been very rare, I am fairly strong from working out regularly so I non-aggressively defend myself like you did. The worst of them was on my own birthday when she was staying over for the night, and tore up the gift she had just bought for me after I defended myself from a physical instance.

The thought of her claiming violence against me scares me as well, and that's why I've told a friend about it. You should definitely make her therapist and yours aware of this as well if you can. If she has been diagnosed with BPD, and is known to have these outbursts, the odds of you facing legal issues is hopefully a lot slimmer, though I can't guarantee that since I don't know for sure.

You are lucky to have her in therapy, a luxury I cannot afford right now. Try and convince her to bring up the issue and work on it with her therapist, and reassure her that you love and care about her. If things continue and it looks like a potentially unsafe situation, think about yourself first, and get out. However much you love someone, it's not worth throwing your own life away for them, if they are bringing it on themselves.

[Aussie0zborn]

Max, get used to it. She hit you but if you call the police she will tell them you tried to choke her. And she WILL do that because one day you will get sick of the violence and call the police but guess what, you are the one going to jail.

Picture this for a second. And depending on how good she is at acting, you could go to jail for a couple of years.

There are plenty of women out there Max and one day you will meet your match.

[VeryFree]

Be careful, be very careful.

A lot of stories on these boards will learn you, that this kind of behaviour is common to BPD.

Hitting you and filing charges against you!

Be prepared and make sure that you don't come in a situation, that can ruïn your future. For me that would mean: don't go near her without enough witnesses.

You wouldn't be the first one that goes down... .

[Surnia]

I agree, this is a situation that needs to be careful.

What can you do? Reaching out to a Helpdesk for Domestic violence for men.

And you can avoid any situation where no exit is. No rides in the same car. As soon the situation get in direction to be heated, leave the room. Your safety first.

[ForeverDad]

In effect, you have been warned:  "This is what life with me will be like - and probably worse."

The fact is she is disordered and dysfunctional and therefore the relationship is dysfunctional too.

• With long term therapy, her applying it in her life and working toward recovery, yes it would get better to some extent.



• With long term therapy but her NOT applying much in her life and NOT working much toward recovery, at best what you see now is what you get, maybe and it will probably get worse.



• WITHOUT long term therapy, her NOT applying it in her life and NOT working toward recovery, it will get worse.

Do you see the pattern?  Your odds of a healthy and functional relationship go up or down depending on her getting and applying meaningful therapy.  We've even made the observation here that if there have ever been threats to escalate conflict and make unsubstantiated allegations, then the risk is HIGH for it to happen eventually.  Can you risk that, a life with threats like that repeatedly hanging over your head?

Unfortunately, you can't trust her promises to change or not rage again.  It is a recurring cycle or pattern of behavior for her.  Promises mean little, actions are what count.  Even if she started therapy tomorrow, you wouldn't know for many months (or years) whether she was actually improving her thinking, perceptions and behaviors for the long haul. 

Pardon this illustration.  Sadly, this is one sick fish.  Throw the fish back in the sea, the ocean is big, there are healthier fish out there.

Be aware that the longer you are with her, the harder she will make it for you to step away unscathed.  In a disordered controller's mind, the police and threats of making allegations are tools to use when venting or retaliating against the target.  Get married and then it's that much harder to unwind the relationship.  Have children and then it's vastly more complicated.

My thoughts... . she is out now and staying elsewhere, while there is still some safety in distance apart let her know as nicely as possible it's time for her to move out and you both to Move On.  Weaken your boundary for not tolerating poor or risky behaviors by letting her back and it will be much harder to do that later and you'd be at risk again of allegations.

[Finallyblooming]

If she hit you finally, the flood gate to that has just opened. Next, she'll be taking a crow bar to your car windows and in the next breath asking if you can go to the movies. It escalates after the first physical encounter and will steadily get more aggressive in my experience. Much like bad habits are easy to form, but not so easy to quit. If you let her back, eventually, you'll be sleeping in a separate room with a locked door.

[momtara]

At least tape record any visits with her.  I know you want this to work.  You need to protect yourself, though.

[Finallyblooming]

At least tape record any visits with her.  I know you want this to work.  You need to protect yourself, though.

good idea, and save text messages too. Police are actually learning how to deal more with mentally ill individuals and to recognize these behaviors. So, if there's proof they've gotten a lot better at identifying who the real aggressor is.

[papawapa]

To keep with the fishing analogy, cut bait and run. You have a twenty foot great white shark on the end of your line. Bring her into your boat and she will chew you up and spit you out. I stayed with my BPDgf for twelve years. There were many physical altercations. Despite the fact that she was usually inebriated and I was stone cold sober and I called the police EVERY time, all but three or four times I was the one taken to jail. If you so much as leave a mark on her, even if it is just from you restraining her with a bear hug, she will spin such a yarn to the police that you will end up in cuffs. You have to remember that she is a woman, much smaller and weaker than you and she will be extremely adept at making herself out to be the victim regardless of how it went down.

[livednlearned]

In some states, regardless of who did what first in a DV incident, the police will arrest the largest person, usually a male,  to ensure that worse violence doesn't occur after they leave. It varies by state, so check to see what might happen if (when) this escalates, and how law enforcement will deal with the kind of call your gf might make. In fact, the smartest thing you could do is to call a few criminal lawyers and keep their card in your wallet in case you need it. Read Matt's story on these boards.

Also, and you probably know this, when she's screaming, leave quickly. Don't touch her, even to restrain her from harming herself. Keep a recording device in your pocket at all times and practice using it.

Sorry you're going through this. It looks like your post got moved to the law board, where lots of us have lived through some of the more serious BPD behaviors, and it's chilling. Our advice tends to be pretty... . blunt.

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

[Forward2free]

I posted this for Dotslash too, here's my take on it:

Identifying the cycle of push and pull can be helpful in getting your grounding.

I can't advise on what to do, but I can tell you what I would have done differently in my situation. I would have established firm boundaries with the consequence of breaking up if they were crossed.  

I can honestly say as a divorced mum with 2 children and deep emotional and physical scars from my 10 year involvement with my BPD/Nxh and still involved in a legal custody battle after 4 years and $110,000, I wouldn't have even gotten engaged if my boundaries were in place and in force. I slipped up.

It may not be the same for everyone, I just offer my story from the other side in the hope that you do set boundaries now while you still recognise the problems. After a while, the boundaries blur, you accept slightly less respect that you did yesterday and the problems escalate.

[catnap]

My thoughts... . she is out now and staying elsewhere, while there is still some safety in distance apart let her know as nicely as possible it's time for her to move out and you both to Move On.  Weaken your boundary for not tolerating poor or risky behaviors by letting her back and it will be much harder to do that later and you'd be at risk again of allegations.

~ ForeverDad

Set up a time for her to get her things and have a third party adult (non-relative) witness present.  If you can box up her things neatly and have them ready as to shorten her time in your home, do so.  Have a hidden recorder running until she leaves.   Hopefully, with the third party present she will not act out.  Change locks.

Print out and keep all texts from her.

[Forestaken]

First of all, I am brand new here.  My live in girlfriend has BPD - she has been diagnosed and in the past has gone through treatment. 

Since she has moved in, the relationship has trended mostly downhill.  Every few weeks she screams at me, rages, and calls me names.  It's usually something she is stressed about that has nothing to do with me, and it's usually a small thing.  And then I may do something simple like move a piece of furniture and she can't handle it, and explodes on me.

and she left the next morning and has been staying with a friend.

My friends are worried for my safety, or worried she will hurt herself and then blame it on me and I could face legal trouble. 

Any advice on this situation would be much appreciated.

Is she on the lease?  If not, you could order her out and if she doesn't file trespassing againsst her.

If she hurts herself. So what? She is an adult.  DO NOT MARRY OR TOUCH HER! or you'll have a cluster-divorce like me.

[rogerroger]

Don't fall for promises not to hit you again. It may be awhile, but it WILL happen again. It is also likely that things will escalate.

There are lots of recording apps for smartphones now if you don't have a dedicated recorder. There are also call-recorder apps that you may consider if you live where the use of such would be legal.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am a DV survivor with a permanent scar of human bite on my back.

Please do call the hotline for domestic abuse and follow their instructions for safety.

And after insuring your own physical safety, begin to reflect upon why do you consider this relationship to be an ideal one worth staying in.

If you have access to a counselor, then please do consider counselling.

I wish you safety and peace.

[Lady31]

I agree! You have to stay away from her.  As a few others have already posted - THIS BEHAVIOR ESCALATES.  She has already revealed to you what she will do if you try to do anything about her behavior (falsely accuse YOU and get you thrown in jail.)  And she may use this as a way to control you even when nothing physical is going on at all.  She could start saying, "If you don't do this (insert whatever she may want you to do or not do), then I am going to call the cops and tell them hit__."

My H eventually at the end became physical which was something I thought he wouldn't do, even with his extreme rages.  BY CHANCE I got him on a video recording and was TOTALLY NOT expecting that to happen.  I thought I would just get more of his extreme verbal abuse and actually was recording just for personal reasons to help me as I was leaving the relationship and wanted to have something to remind me of how bad things were.  Especially since I know first hand how EASY it is to forget and keep going back.  Anyway - got him on the VIDEO doing it on my phone.  I called my dad and he was shouting in the background while we were driving down the road "OW! Quit hitting me!  Quit pulling my hair and hitting me!" (Which is what he had just done TO ME.) As he did this he stared me dead in the eyes with a smirk on his face because he knew no one else could see and he was letting me know right there that it was going to be my word against his.  He didn't know yet at that time that I had the video.

I would definitely not at this point be alone with her at all.  If you do go forward trying to salvage the relationship (I and others advised that you don't, but if you do) I would tell her that you all can't live together.  That all time spent together for now will be out in public and you two can meet up, not ride together.  I would tell her this would be contingent on her starting therapy for BPD. I would tell her that another condition would be that you can meet with her therapist to discuss the best way to go forward with the relationship and what boundaries would be best for you two as you try to work things out while she is in therapy.  THEN I WOULD BRING UP THIS BEHAVIOR and this incident and discuss it directly with the therapist and then tell her that you feel another condition would be that she has to give the therapist permission to discuss this incident in the event she ever did call the cops on you with false accusations that she has threatened to do.  She would have to agree and openly discuss her behavior and threats in front of a witness (the therapist) or she would lie or deny it all together with the therapist at which time I would tell her that that is a deal breaker and not go any further with the relationship.

Again - I think you should run like hell, but if you don't, this may be at the very least a safer situation for you.

[Forestaken]

Lady31: You reminded me of a situation that happened to me and my S with my s2bx.

I was driving with my s2bx next to me, my S then 14 was in the backseat.  I forgot the reason, but she began to hit me and pull my hair.  we almost went off the road, narrowly missing a pedestrian.

My S14 reach from behind her and held her arms.  In the struggle, he left finger size bruises on her forearms.  She went to urgent care to document them!