Dating and Children?

[thisyoungdad]

I was just curious, when one of us starts dating again and it gets serious (or not for her) and then this new person meets the child how is best to handle this with the other parent? Say it is me dating, should I let the ex know this person is meeting my child? If she wanted to meet the new lady? What is appropriate here?

[Rubies]

This is my opinion on the matter.

I no longer have a personal relationship with BPDx.  Who I date or have relationships with is not his business.  Any information of that nature he will have to drag out of our child or pump out of other community members, aka gossip.

I date, I do not bring men into my home.  This in deference to the comfort and safety of my daughter.  I can bring a man into our home after an established relationship of 6 months.   She usually meets the men I may date when we are out and about in the community.  She has veto power, she has an awesome Jerk Alert.

I have a BF I've been seeing for 2 & 1/2 years and many guy friends.  I like not having men in my home.  The only man we've had is my older DDs' dad and he's family.

[NorthernGirl]

I started dating my DH about 7 years ago. He had been divorced from his UBPD ex for about 3 years, separated about 5. His kids were 11, 14, and 16. Here are a few thoughts:

* Focus more on the best timing for the kids rather than your ex. Let them be the guide as to when they meet your girlfriend. Don't have a new girlfriend meet your kids too early. It is hard on the kids, especially if you don't stay together. Make sure you're serious about her and you think she can handle all that this entails.

* I don't think DH told his ex anything about me at first. But the kids no doubt told her. Expect that she will instantly hear, and that she may react in a negative way. Help the kids to deal with any backlash they may get.

* The first time I met his ex, she had let herself into his house with one of the kids, while DH and I were out with one of the others. She should not have been there, in my opinion. But DH was afraid to tell her otherwise. He also used to continue to help her with maintenance at the house (she would call saying "this is for your children" and he would head over.) Don't do that. She is your ex. She can find a handyman, plumber or whatever to help around the house, it is not your job. Even if she claims it is for the kids.

* Watch what your ex does when it comes to letting you know if she introduces a new man to the kids. If she doesn't tell you, then she has set a precedent that you can follow, in my opinion. If she gives you a courtesy heads-up, you could do the same. But keep it short and business-like. And I suggest doing it immediately after, not before -- something in an email that had other critical information about the kids. For example you could say "FYI, the kids met my girlfriend today when we all went for pizza." That's it.

* Remember that introducing a new woman to your children could cause huge loyalty issues for them. They may be expected to report what they think of your GF, how you acted around her, etc. If they say something nasty about her, they may be rewarded by your ex. The kids are not allowed to just meet your GF and form an opinion - it is much more complicated than that. This is the case in most divorces, but I think everything is ramped up when one party has a disorder. Many people with BPD are terrified of being left alone, and a new GF in the picture may be seen as a huge threat.

Also, if you are going to date someone, make sure she is strong, but don't expect her to take on mothering your children. She can help support you as you take on more parenting, but don't view her as the cook, chauffeur and babysitter for your children. Build a strong relationship between the two of you, rather than figuring out what she can do to help raise your kids. She should be okay with your kids, but she doesn't have to "love them like they are her own." The same goes for your kids - don't expect them to instantly love her, but they should treat her with respect (regardless of what their mother says!)

Not sure if any of that helps, but it's my view "from the other side"! 

[mamachelle]

I was just curious, when one of us starts dating again and it gets serious (or not for her) and then this new person meets the child how is best to handle this with the other parent? Say it is me dating, should I let the ex know this person is meeting my child? If she wanted to meet the new lady? What is appropriate here?

I just wanted to add in that a huge factor in this is the age and also the personality of the child.

My DH and I are both Nons with BPDex spouses and children from those marriages. We hid our relationship from the other parent and the children for about 5 months. Kids were my 2DD then 7 and 10 and his 3 sons who were 2,4, and 9. We saw eachother by using the every other weekend off and/or a sitter.

We joked that it was like we were having an affair though we were both divorced.

I think you need to be secure in your self. your new r/s before you even think of adding in kids if possible.

I also would advise if your kids are going to meet the GF then do it at a big event. We introduced our kids at a big community fest where there were lots of other people around. I would have the GF meet the kids at the event if possible. That way they will start to associate her with a fun thing and it's low pressure for everyone.

I basically would wait a long while before telling other parent because there usually are big waves that will hit.  

Enjoy dating as 'adult time' as much as you can.

Also, I should add in both my Dh and I cases, Bio BPD parents introduced their current SO very soon and went through multiple partners/spouses. There were some generic provisions in the parenting plan but nothing that prevented them from doing this or causing confusion in the kids.

This is something many of us here deal with unfortunately.

mamachelle

[thisyoungdad]

mamchelle- your comment about introducing kids to partners too soon is actually what prompted this question. I am pretty sure, even though we aren't even divorced yet that she is with someone new and they have met my 3 year old daughter if not spend significant time with her. This bothers me. I have only very casually dated a few ladies and frankly I am learning to enjoy my adult time without another adult so I am not in a huge hurry to start seriously dating but it brought up questions for me when I realized this about the soon to be ex wife.

northerngirl- wow that was so very helpful! thank you. Especially the part about helping her out with things "for the kids" because I am a great handyman and often help people out just out of kindness b/c they are friends. So it is easy to get sucked into that with her. Especially because I know she legitimately is unable to cope and deal with things, so I do fall for it. Granted we are not divorced yet but she has been at least sleeping with someone for a while I am sure and it has been a year at the end of August since she left. A huge reason I decided not to recycle the relationship was because of the message it would send my daughter, and so this is really no different.

When I do start to date or meet someone I will keep what you said in mind, in fact I may write it down. I want to do what is best for her, especially because she has become much closer to me the past year. Granted she is only 3 but I am sure that she already confides in me more than she does her mom. So I really want to honor her because I realize that now with us divorced and sharing 50/50 that she has to be my priority right now after getting myself healthy. Then I can worry about bringing a new woman into the picture. Just wasn't sure how that looked or how to go about it when it happens, and my friends are pushing me to start looking a little.

[DreamGirl]

What's your custody schedule?

[thisyoungdad]

50/50 with a 5-5-2-2 schedule. I didn't choose the 5-5-2-2 part but after endless fighting over it I was advised by both attorneys and the family specialist that I should just pick a different battle to fight not because they didn't agree it was wrong that I wasn't getting a say but rather because there would be bigger battles to fight and they were right.

[DreamGirl]

50/50 with a 5-5-2-2 schedule. I didn't choose the 5-5-2-2 part but after endless fighting over it I was advised by both attorneys and the family specialist that I should just pick a different battle to fight not because they didn't agree it was wrong that I wasn't getting a say but rather because there would be bigger battles to fight and they were right.

Here's my stance.

When I was a divorced mom of 2 little boys, I didn't really ever introduce my boyfriends to the kids. There was only one actually. My now husband. And that was only after 6 months of dating - which is what made us realize how much we really, really liked each other. I didn't want to play house with every guy that came along. I didn't think that was fair to my kids or to the blossoming relationship. I wanted to focus on the relationship when my kids where with their dad - because the last one had ended so terribly partly due to my need to rush into it. I said to myself "never again".  

That's my "value". It was also really important to me that my kids didn't see my/their home's front door as a revolving door (of men). They didn't need (or want) another male role model - they had their Dad. My philosophy only caused strife in one relationship because I wouldn't let him come over during the week (when I had the kiddos). So I moved on.

Not everyone has that value or believes that it's important. My husband's ex-wife doesn't. She's had several boyfriends and the girls (my stepdaughters) are introduced very early on. That's her perogative and she gets to decide. The oldest one is frustrated with that behavior and the younger two cope far better - they really can care less. They all love their Dad and are very secure in their relationship.

So my point... .

You can only control yourself. You can only figure out what you think is best and how long you want to wait to introduce your children. You can attempt to discuss it (like my husband did with his ex) but in the end, she gets to decide. It's a parenting value and it's not something that can really be fought until it manifests itself into an issue as far as the children go. i.e. like when my oldest SD was suffering from anxiety not wanting to move in to another boyfriend's house.

I think one of the greatest gifts that my stepdaughters' mama has given them is the contrast in values. It allows them to decide for themselves how they want to be. They have a great Dad who shows them that you don't have to wrap up your whole self worth in some guy.

And they don't.  

[mamachelle]

mamchelle- your comment about introducing kids to partners too soon is actually what prompted this question. I am pretty sure, even though we aren't even divorced yet that she is with someone new and they have met my 3 year old daughter if not spend significant time with her. This bothers me. I have only very casually dated a few ladies and frankly I am learning to enjoy my adult time without another adult so I am not in a huge hurry to start seriously dating but it brought up questions for me when I realized this about the soon to be ex wife.

This can be hard to deal with.

For both DH and I, the first SO our exes introduced to our kids were the same people they had cheated on us with in our marriage.

In fact in DH's case, his exW took same BF on vacation with the 2 older sons then 7 and 3  to a tropical island and left DH with younger Son on his birthday as he turned 2. So, depending on how it is happening and how volatile the r/s is or what each new SO brings with them will all play a factor in your emotions.

My 2DD usually liked their Dad's GFs until he would start becoming nasty and abusive towards the GF and telling them bad stuff about the GF and then they would be confused. With my 3SS-- their Mom does the same thing and goes from idealizing to hating to idealizing or "just friends" making it confusing.

DH has had to deal with BpdMom re-introducing a physically abusive BF into his Sons lives after she had told all of them he had abused her, dragged her around the house, neighbor called cops, he was arrested. It happened when the boys were with us and the next day she came and took boys to dinner and showed the boys the bruises, and told them that she never wanted to see him again. After all this, she wanted to take the boys camping with him a few weeks later. Another story for another day. 

As DG says, you can't control it. I would just be aware of what is going on and if your D3 starts showing signs of distress you should look at getting a T or other authority figures involved.

mamachelle

[Mutt]

My uBPDw introduced the kids 2 weeks after she moved out. By 3 weeks she told the kids mom and dad are ex husband and ex wife and the boyfriend was having frequent sleep overs. Month 6 and he sleeps there almost every night and weekends. S2, S5, D7 and SD14.

[slimmiller]

I had this discussion with my ex and the conscensus we reached were this, 'My personal life is none of your business' to which I readily agreed but when it involves my kids it is my business. She had already introduced the kids to the latest soulmate aka bed warmer and I knew but wasnt about to tell her. She decided without my approval one way or the other that she will introduce the kids to him. This was not the first guy and will not be the last one.

As was pointed out in another comment, it gives the kids a good contrast. My kids already know, or at least the older two, what mommies morals are and the one even made the comment, 'who does that'  She would never have the decency to insulate the kids from her craziness or do it out of sight of the kids which is sad but I have no control over that

What we as nons do have control over is how we introduce the kids to potential mates. I would not even consider introducing my kids to anyone untill the relationship is somewhat established. While my ex wont honor that, when the kids are older they will remember it.

I think the other parent has a right to know the person first IF the other parent has the best interest of the kids in mind. If not, then the decision should be up to us. Most of us have kids' best interest at heart and will know instinctively when that time is and I think no one case is the same as anothers

[livednlearned]

I have been dating someone for close to 9 months. For about 6 months, I did not introduce new guy and S12. Then I decided it was ok for new guy to stop by when we walked our dogs. So S12 has met him in short bursts. I have not disclosed new guys last name, just in case S12 tells his dad. Once that happens, N/BPDx will likely start email harassing new guy, and possibly trying to mess with his career. I don't underestimate the blowback that S12 and new guy will experience when N/BPDx gets triggered by this, so I'm stretching out the non-disclosure period as long as possible.

And like everyone else mentioned, it's super important to provide stability in your kids' lives. They don't get that from two parents, so I have to provide twice the stability. No revolving doors of prospective mates. My son is old enough for me to have that conversation with him, and it's appropriate in the context of N/BPDx's false allegations about me.