My Tale, and Seeking Advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi there. I have read several stories here and would like to share my own and seek some potential advice.

I have been dating my gf for a year now. In my university studies (minor) I learned about BPD and after a few months and several painted-black occurrences I realized she had it. I'm a calm logical, and rational person, and I do love and care about her - I realize that her way of thinking is black and white, and I have learned to relax when seen as black, and enjoy the rest. Recently though, it has been increasingly more difficult.

Her dad left when she was a child and an ex cheating on her, which I feel heightened or even manifested her BPD. She was also bullied as a child, so her defenses are somewhat aggressive, and rarely, but sometimes even physical. I have never told her she has BPD, nor does any of her family or friends acknowledge it, but every sign is there. I've been told I'm the perfect bf and love of her life one minute, and if something doesn't go perfectly, suddenly I'm called toxic. We have "broken up" about 20 times this year, and I use quotes because the next day after being told she never wants to see me again, I get a call, wherein she sometimes acts like the conversation happened, and other times apologizes.

I'm a pretty down to earth and strong willed guy, and have rarely, if ever, given in to her irrational demands. A few times in the past year she's asked to have unprotected sex, ridiculously impulsive shopping purchases, etc. I have always responded with an answer that has been for her own good, even it's painted me black for a brief period. I make sure she is safe, and on the right track in life.

Usually something sets her off, and even if it's unrelated to me, it gets projected onto me anyway, being the bf and around frequently. For example, she had plans with a friend to go out at noon last week, and suddenly had an appointment switched and couldn't make noon. She asked her friend to come at 9am instead. The friend said she had plans at 9am and couldn't, so maybe they could reschedule for another time. My gf lost it and started venting to me (in person) about her friend. I said she shouldn't get too upset since she was told to come at noon and must have made pre-noon plans knowing this. She started accusing me of liking this friend and things escalated to the point where she asked me to leave (my own house). I said I was going to stay and I loved her, and she started trying to physically push me out of the room, and eventually hit me multiple times. This physical kind of defense has occurred about 5 times in the year we've been together. The most recent one I told her to stop and calm down, and used my own strength to hold her arms back from hitting me. She got strangely aroused by this, snapped out of painted-black, and started trying to make out with me. A prior instance months ago, I held up my arm to block a hit and she bruised her own arm as a result, and told me she was going to tell her family that I was abusing her - this scared me a bit, but her family knows I'm a kind person and wouldn't do such a thing.

I am worried if another guy started seeing her, he would not be as thoughtful as I am, or might even give in to some very unsafe demands she makes. Most importantly, I love her, and that is why I've held on thus far, despite it being 10x harder than previous relationships. She's ultimately sweet and caring to me 95% of the time, and if you exclude her episodes, her personality compliments mine very well, as noted by our family and friends. But when I told my closest friend about our relationship and BPD, he told me that I should be thinking long term, about myself, my health, future family, and happiness.

I feel like the typical response to this post will be to get her into therapy, but doing that right now is not very easy. I have a good job, but also loans and mortgage to pay off. We are both working and financially unable to afford therapy, which is the biggest problem. Though a lingering fear is also that long term therapy may not even be a solution, and my future self and family may suffer - this thought legitimately scares me. I am certainly, in no way, trying to make myself look good by saying this, but my friends, coworkers, and even her mother have told me that I'm the nicest guy they know. But no matter how well I treat her, how much I try to raise her self-esteem, and how often I tell her I have zero interest in anyone else, she still finds reasons to feel insecure, blow up, and question my loyalty. We are currently "broken up" today, for XX'th time, because last night I said I could not buy her something very expensive. But I have a feeling later today she will call and apologize, telling me she didn't mean anything she said. This thought comforts me, but also makes me wonder each time, just how many times this will happen. Forever? As a rational person it's been difficult for me to get my head around whether I can remain calm for that long.

[dotSlash]

Hi there. I have read several stories here and would like to share my own and seek some potential advice.

I have been dating my gf for a year now. In my university studies (minor) I learned about BPD and after a few months and several painted-black occurrences I realized she had it. I'm a calm logical, and rational person, and I do love and care about her - I realize that her way of thinking is black and white, and I have learned to relax when seen as black, and enjoy the rest. Recently though, it has been increasingly more difficult.

Her dad left when she was a child and an ex cheating on her, which I feel heightened or even manifested her BPD. She was also bullied as a child, so her defenses are somewhat aggressive, and rarely, but sometimes even physical. I have never told her she has BPD, nor does any of her family or friends acknowledge it, but every sign is there. I've been told I'm the perfect bf and love of her life one minute, and if something doesn't go perfectly, suddenly I'm called toxic. We have "broken up" about 20 times this year, and I use quotes because the next day after being told she never wants to see me again, I get a call, wherein she sometimes acts like the conversation happened, and other times apologizes.

I'm a pretty down to earth and strong willed guy, and have rarely, if ever, given in to her irrational demands. A few times in the past year she's asked to have unprotected sex, ridiculously impulsive shopping purchases, etc. I have always responded with an answer that has been for her own good, even it's painted me black for a brief period. I make sure she is safe, and on the right track in life.

Usually something sets her off, and even if it's unrelated to me, it gets projected onto me anyway, being the bf and around frequently. For example, she had plans with a friend to go out at noon last week, and suddenly had an appointment switched and couldn't make noon. She asked her friend to come at 9am instead. The friend said she had plans at 9am and couldn't, so maybe they could reschedule for another time. My gf lost it and started venting to me (in person) about her friend. I said she shouldn't get too upset since she was told to come at noon and must have made pre-noon plans knowing this. She started accusing me of liking this friend and things escalated to the point where she asked me to leave (my own house). I said I was going to stay and I loved her, and she started trying to physically push me out of the room, and eventually hit me multiple times. This physical kind of defense has occurred about 5 times in the year we've been together. The most recent one I told her to stop and calm down, and used my own strength to hold her arms back from hitting me. She got strangely aroused by this, snapped out of painted-black, and started trying to make out with me. A prior instance months ago, I held up my arm to block a hit and she bruised her own arm as a result, and told me she was going to tell her family that I was abusing her - this scared me a bit, but her family knows I'm a kind person and wouldn't do such a thing.

I am worried if another guy started seeing her, he would not be as thoughtful as I am, or might even give in to some very unsafe demands she makes. Most importantly, I love her, and that is why I've held on thus far, despite it being 10x harder than previous relationships. She's ultimately sweet and caring to me 95% of the time, and if you exclude her episodes, her personality compliments mine very well, as noted by our family and friends. But when I told my closest friend about our relationship and BPD, he told me that I should be thinking long term, about myself, my health, future family, and happiness.

I feel like the typical response to this post will be to get her into therapy, but doing that right now is not very easy. I have a good job, but also loans and mortgage to pay off. We are both working and financially unable to afford therapy, which is the biggest problem. Though a lingering fear is also that long term therapy may not even be a solution, and my future self and family may suffer - this thought legitimately scares me. I am certainly, in no way, trying to make myself look good by saying this, but my friends, coworkers, and even her mother have told me that I'm the nicest guy they know. But no matter how well I treat her, how much I try to raise her self-esteem, and how often I tell her I have zero interest in anyone else, she still finds reasons to feel insecure, blow up, and question my loyalty. We are currently "broken up" today, for XX'th time, because last night I said I could not buy her something very expensive. But I have a feeling later today she will call and apologize, telling me she didn't mean anything she said. This thought comforts me, but also makes me wonder each time, just how many times this will happen. Forever? As a rational person it's been difficult for me to get my head around whether I can remain calm for that long.

[maxsterling]

I can't really offer any suggestions except this is nearly 100% exactly what I am dealing with right now.  I feel for you.  It's hell.

[Aussie0zborn]

The biggest red flag I see here is that she hit you and bruised herself. And she is going to tell her family that you hit her?

While her family still thinks highly of you, why not let them know what's happening so that there are no surprises later?

The worst thing is handling this by yourself and then one day the police come and take you away. When that happens no one will believe you, no matter how rational YOU are or how calm, patient and loving you have been. It just doesn't work that way.

[Surnia]

Hi dotSlash

and 

So sorry to hear about your very difficult relationship and great you are reaching out for support! Its so important that we have someone to share. 

The physical violence is a huge issue, I am worried about it. Nobody should endure this and I have also concerns that she could use it against you.

Is there anything you can do when things get heated like leaving the room? We strongly recommend this. Don't stay under blame and yelling.

How to take a time out.

I would also consider to reach out to a Helpdesk for Domestic Violence against men.

No, you will not get any advice about getting her to therapy from my side . She has to do it herself.

I would recommend you: Read through the LESSONS Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships.

It does not mean, you should stay. This is not my intention. Its about being educated and especially the parts about our role in it are very helpful!

I hope this helps a bit. Stay in contact, dotSlash!

[dotSlash]

Thanks for the considerate replies you guys, I really appreciate it.

To follow up: as I expected, I got a call within 24 hours of her last extreme outburst (mentioned in my first post), as I usually do. I told her I had to sleep at 12 to be rested for work the next day. The outburst wasn't even acknowledged - instead she asked if we could talk about date plans for this week. I said sure but she quickly tangented to another topic and vented to me about her friends for an hour, at which point I noted to her that it was 12 and I should get to sleep soon. She was furious upon realizing I was leaving before discussing our date but I said we could just talk about it the next day. Instead she hangs up, then I received a barrage of txts saying f me, f love, and f our relationship - its the worst she's ever been in and she hates me and can do this anymore. I responded saying I was confused why she was so upset that I had asked to sleep, because if she had, I wouldn't have minded - this was a bad idea. Another barrage of even more hateful txts... these were actually borderline cruel. I said I was sorry she's upset but I needed rest at that point. The following morning I awoke to see she'd called me back four times after that, but long after I'd fallen asleep. I re-read the txts and it was just too much. I sent her one back saying (for the first time) how awful and disrespectful she had been to me then. No amount of frustration or anger should warrant what was said... it was much worse than the few times I've been physically hit. I didnt get a response from her or a call that day, or yesterday or today. I of course did not call her after my txt - it's in her court now. This is the longest we've went without communication in the year we've been together

[Eric1]

Our storys are very similar.

She would always worry after she raged that people heard, or that my phone accidently dialed someone, so they would hear.

I went on my friends stag do, i was best man. I told her that i would speak to her infrequently & I wouldn't have my phone on me at all times. I had missed calls, then texts starting with "are you ok?" then "Why arent you awsnering" to "you're a hiting prick, you are so selfish" etc

I've had text rants on my phone before and shes deleted them because she was so embarrased.

[Forward2free]

Identifying the cycle of push and pull can be helpful in getting your grounding. It seems she is now punishing you by remaining silent, and it will also be a test.

I can't advise on what to do, but I can tell you what I would have done differently in my situation. I would have established firm boundaries with the consequence of breaking up if they were crossed. 

I can honestly say as a divorced mum with 2 children and deep emotional and physical scars from my 10 year involvement with my BPD/Nxh and still involved in a legal custody battle after 4 years and $110,000, I wouldn't have even gotten engaged if my boundaries were in place and in force. I slipped up.

It may not be the same for everyone, I just offer my story from the other side in the hope that you do set boundaries now while you still recognise the problems. After a while, the boundaries blur, you accept slightly less respect that you did yesterday and the problems escalate.

[dotSlash]

Thanks for the advice kormilda, I really appreciate it. I realized that I was being strong in not letting her control my life with her demands, but on the other hand I was also not setting boundaries properly for what is appropriate to say. In the past I realized she had BPD and always just shook off her verbal abuse as being painted black temporarily. But last week she said some absolutely unforgivable things to me. For example, an ex of mine a long time ago back in high school ended up going through a depression and cutting herself a year after I had stopped dating her. My BPD gf, without knowing anything about the situations besides the gist I've told her (she asked about it by the way) decided to tell me that it was my fault that she started cutting herself, because of how bad I must have treated my ex, just like how badly I am treating her (my current BPD gf) now. This really struck a nerve, since I have absolutely been nothing but a kind, giving, and respectful bf for her all this time. And this was just the tip of the iceberg from what she said during this conversation. The following day I told her that what she said was not cool, and she needs to stop. Instead of receiving the usual day-after phone call, I received nothing, and haven't heard a word in three days now. Part of me wonders if she has already become detached and is looking for someone else to latch onto. It completely baffles my mind that someone can call you 10 times a day to talk, tell you they love you and how perfect you are every moment you're together, and then after a few days of nc, move on completely. Just a suspicion. And a painful one to imagine.

Oh, and Eric1, I feel you on that. I've personally never bothered to delete a message, but my gf deletes hers after every outburst. It's also baffling how she won't recall how violent (verbally or physically) she has been when in that state when I bring it up later. As if her short and long term memory did not store the memory as being malicious...

[maxsterling]

dotSlash - I know what you mean.  If she moves on, she moves on.  It's heartbreaking, but think of it as saving you a whole ton of future pain.  This whole black/white thing is so confusing to me, too. 

As for the things she said to you - I've had very similar said to me.  The most I can understand it, she is projecting something she feels guilty about herself onto me, to bring me down to her level or to make me the one with the issue, thus making her feel normal.  My guess in your situation, she has either self harmed herself or knows someone who has self harmed or thought about self harming, and wants to place blame on some external person for that issue.  And you become the target for that internal resentment. 

The girlfriend previous to my current one was also likely BPD or NPD.  And she was abusive to me, and abusive to her son.  She HIT her son and screamed at him.  I've told this to my current girlfriend, and about how messed up that relationship left me feeling.  When my current girlfriend becomes dysregulated, that is frequently the thing she uses to insult me.  She says my ex was just a stressed out single mother who deserves respect and she wasn't abusive and that my immaturity drove her to her actions.  And that HURTS when she says that.  Considering my girlfriend was abused by her mother, I would think she would understand and could relate - but instead it is this blame someone else mode rather than admit to herself that she is hurtful herself.  And once she said that I am going to dump her so that I can go around and tell everyone how abusive she is just like I do with my ex so that I can get sympathy from people.

You can't win with this kind of behavior.  You can detach or step away, but it still hurts.  If she truly did move on without having to deal with an outburst involving lawyers or police, consider yourself lucky. 

[dotSlash]

Thanks max, I appreciate your words of wisdom. After 3 days of nc she calls and says she's been thinking and maybe she doesn't love me because she was able to survive three days without me. Of course my natural response was "of course I can survive three days without you too, neither of us is dependent on the other to survive. but feelings of love don't change overnight, or at least for me they don't". She got flustered and hung up, then an hour later calls back and says she's got out whole next date planned out and starts going into detail about it. Sad part is, later in the evening something (not related to me at all) must have triggered her again because she called and said maybe we should just be friends. And my response was "don't be ridiculous, I'll see you on saturday for our date". I must be the stupidest guy in the world

[Surnia]

DotSlash

Gosh, so much push-pull! 

What she is saying about the 3 days as a prove for not loving you shows her thinking about love which is more enmeshment than love.

And being friends is very common here, you are not alone, it does not work very well for many here... .

I think you handled all this quite well. I feel with you about questioning yourself.

And no, you guess what I will say, you are not the stupidest guy. Be nice with yourself and stick with your boundaries and values.

[dotSlash]

Yeah I am starting to realize that she may not actually understand what it means to love someone. Last night a childhood (female) friend of mine got an amazing new job, and I congratulated her on fb. An hour later I sign in and see my BPDgf removed me from being in a relationship with her (for the XXth time). I played oblivious when she called later to "talk about some things", which I assumed had to do with the congrats to another female. But right off the bat I said something witty and she laughed and forgot about it, then started telling me about her day. She laughed a few more times then said "I love you". I figured it was just an in the moment ily, but seconds later she asked "do you love me too?". I said "of course". Then she says she wants to grab a snack and asks if she can call me back. nothing for 45min, so i texted that I have to get to sleep. She responds 3 hours later saying she forgot and started watching a movie. This is one example of many in the recent weeks, and I haven't received this level of inconsideration before. it's strange because up until this month, excluding her BPD outbursts, she's treated me equally. Recently it's difficult to even tell her something and not have her mind wander to something else, or pull out her phone mid-conversation and start txting a friend, then after say "sorry, what?". I just don't understand how someone can suddely start behaving like this to someone they "love". Not trying to be dramatic or anything, just a recent pattern of disrespect I've noticed as of late. We're going out tonight... I have a gut feeling it'll be the last outting I can tolerate before saying something that will potentially send this relationship into a black hole