Am I setting myself up for recycling? Help.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

She just called and we talked for two hours on the phone.

She called hysterically crying that she “can’t do this”.  God, I really can’t either, but I was just starting to come to terms with it all after all of this time apart.  I asked her what she meant by “do this”, and she said she can’t live life without seeing me again or talking to me again.  Okay…?  So she wants to be together?  No.  She wants to focus on herself, but she wants to also be able to see me every once in a while and talk to each other.    She cried about the (lack of a) relationship she has with her father, and she can’t live life having that same relationship with me.  I tried encouraging her to reach out to her Dad (as I always did), but she just kept saying it was about not having our relationship turn into that.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. 

She explained that she has taken time since our breakup to rekindle friendships (which I always encouraged her to do while we were together), and also spending time with different exes.  That part stings, but I do know that it’s a part of the neediness she has, and I knew that if she wasn’t getting attention from me, she would find it somewhere, most likely in an ex.  She talked about a job opportunity that has come up (something I encouraged her to search for while we were together), and basically outlined how wonderful things are looking for her ever since she kicked me to the curb.  I am happy she is cultivating positive relationships; I’m just so hurt that she couldn’t do that AND be with me before dumping me.   Now, she wants to do it and have me to reach out to/see for a date every once in a while. 

Why does it feel like it is impossible for her to have active friendships and also be in a romantic relationship with me at the same time?  All I ever wanted was for her to be a happy individual, with healthy friendships and goals, with me at her side. Ugh.

She said she would like to still have me as a support system in her life, and to keep active communication with me, but that she could not commit to anything more than that.  I told her that I understood that concept, but that it isn’t reality for me.  How can I go back and pretend that I didn’t love this girl tremendously for so long?  How can I play the “dating game” and watch her date around?  Its seriously so hard.  As much as I was happy to hear how wonderful she is doing, I miss the hell out of her so much, and I just can’t pretend that I could ever feel anything less.   She said she wants to commit to herself before committing to a relationship.  I understand it, and I 100% support her getting herself together, hopefully getting back into DBT, which really worked for her.

Is it even possible for me to do what shes asking?  Which I *think* is to date each other casually, even though she says it would be *special*, without having a label?  Am I setting myself up for recycling if I do this?  I’m so vulnerable right now, and I just want to do what is right in the long run.  I don't want to break down again six months from now, the way I have been this time around.

[Morrison11]

She just called and we talked for two hours on the phone.

She called hysterically crying that she “can’t do this”.  God, I really can’t either, but I was just starting to come to terms with it all after all of this time apart.  I asked her what she meant by “do this”, and she said she can’t live life without seeing me again or talking to me again.  Okay…?  So she wants to be together?  No.  She wants to focus on herself, but she wants to also be able to see me every once in a while and talk to each other.    She cried about the (lack of a) relationship she has with her father, and she can’t live life having that same relationship with me.  I tried encouraging her to reach out to her Dad (as I always did), but she just kept saying it was about not having our relationship turn into that.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. 

She explained that she has taken time since our breakup to rekindle friendships (which I always encouraged her to do while we were together), and also spending time with different exes.  That part stings, but I do know that it’s a part of the neediness she has, and I knew that if she wasn’t getting attention from me, she would find it somewhere, most likely in an ex.  She talked about a job opportunity that has come up (something I encouraged her to search for while we were together), and basically outlined how wonderful things are looking for her ever since she kicked me to the curb.  I am happy she is cultivating positive relationships; I’m just so hurt that she couldn’t do that AND be with me before dumping me.   Now, she wants to do it and have me to reach out to/see for a date every once in a while. 

Why does it feel like it is impossible for her to have active friendships and also be in a romantic relationship with me at the same time?  All I ever wanted was for her to be a happy individual, with healthy friendships and goals, with me at her side. Ugh.

She said she would like to still have me as a support system in her life, and to keep active communication with me, but that she could not commit to anything more than that.  I told her that I understood that concept, but that it isn’t reality for me.  How can I go back and pretend that I didn’t love this girl tremendously for so long?  How can I play the “dating game” and watch her date around?  Its seriously so hard.  As much as I was happy to hear how wonderful she is doing, I miss the hell out of her so much, and I just can’t pretend that I could ever feel anything less.   She said she wants to commit to herself before committing to a relationship.  I understand it, and I 100% support her getting herself together, hopefully getting back into DBT, which really worked for her.

Is it even possible for me to do what shes asking?  Which I *think* is to date each other casually, even though she says it would be *special*, without having a label?  Am I setting myself up for recycling if I do this?  I’m so vulnerable right now, and I just want to do what is right in the long run.  I don't want to break down again six months from now, the way I have been this time around.

[Octoberfest]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. 

pwBPD are notorious boundary breakers.  I can't tell you how many times that my BPDex and I remained in contact and hung out after fighting and breaking up under the guise of being friends.  It ALWAYS dissolved into us getting back together. We simply didn't know how not to be romantically involved with each other.

I found it impossible to "just be friends" or have it be casual with no strings with my BPDex.  I also told her that I was not willing to just be her friend; I was not willing to watch her go out and date other people while still talking to me and laying her worries on me.  It was an all or nothing.

Hope this helps

[Learning_curve74]

It's natural that you miss your ex and the contact with her brings all your feelings for her back to the surface. Your ex admitted she is spending time with her other exes. She said you'll be "special", but do you think her actions will show that in any way? When you are in rotation with her other exes, how does that make you "special"? Remember you get what you pay for, and words are cheap!

Everybody has to decide for themselves what they want in life. But I personally value myself enough that I refuse to make somebody my priority while they treat me as an option.

[Octoberfest]

It's natural that you miss your ex and the contact with her brings all your feelings for her back to the surface. Your ex admitted she is spending time with her other exes. She said you'll be "special", but do you think her actions will show that in any way? When you are in rotation with her other exes, how does that make you "special"? Remember you get what you pay for, and words are cheap!

Everybody has to decide for themselves what they want in life. But I personally value myself enough that I refuse to make somebody my priority while they treat me as an option.

I am stealing this

[obtunded]

Mine was a marriage, so either come back or don't, that was my response. But that's not how their minds work, they can be black/white in everything except how they manipulate you; then it could be any damn color, including plaid, if it suits their needs. They will place you in a no-win situation so whatever goes wrong, you are to blame. Don't fall for it.

I think you've seen enough signs to have a severe lack of trust with this person. Protect yourself emotionally, please. Listen to her story and sympathize, but DO NOT commit yourself emotionally. This is NOT something that should be moved on from without a lot of introspection and therapy on her part. If she can't, then let her go because you will continue to be abused until SHE commits to long term therapy.

You sound knowledgeable and intelligent about this disorder. Please don't allow yourself to be manipulated into a relationship where she can do as she pleases and you suffer again and again. Use your brain and not your heart. Don't look back on this moment of decision and have to say, "I should have thought things through before committing to this person." Trust me, I made this mistake and the pain is just as bad the second or third time around.

[DeRetour]

Donovan,

Oh... . man. Hey, sorry this is what you're dealing with. I haven't read your other post yet, but when I saw this, I knew I just had to say something here. It struck a nerve with me, reminding me a lot of my own uBPD-exGF. She seemed to always have difficulty, supposedly, with balancing me, with her girl friends and family. One (of many) issues that made me decide that this was a "no go": she always seemed to want to keep these things separate. In our 14-15 months together, I've spent maybe 3-4 days, tops with her friends! Goes to show you just how hypnotized a guy can get in this kind of relationship when he thinks it's going to get better. Her reasoning: "That's how my friends and I have always done things. They spend time alone with their boyfriends or we have a girls' night. They rarely take their boyfriends out. C'mon that's ridiculous!"

My issue here wasn't girls' night - all of her friends that I have known seem relatively well-adjusted and pretty wholesome - not the type to just let guys pick them up while out at some club. No, my issue with this was that she just couldn't see us building friendships with each others' friends over time. It felt like she wasn't wanting to really build a life together (despite her words - "talk is cheap". To her, friends were to be kept separate. I honestly think she was scared that her friends would like me so much that she'd lose them (or me) by getting to know them better. Bringing this up made her defensive and before I knew it, we'd be in a "fight" and she'd emotionally withdraw, etc. The whole compartmentalized friendship/family thing just creeped me out. Man... . haha, I don't miss that at all! LOL  

So yeah, of course, it's ultimately up to you. You know the situation best. Pursue what you feel is right for you and your ex. But, I have to say, I really like what learning_curve74 is saying about this. My thought is, here's an opportunity to enforce your boundaries. Don't settle for being anyone's option.. Hang on and focus on doing some good work on you.

Take care of yourself!

deRetour