Do most people stay no contact forever?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was just wondering if most people who go no contact stay that way forever?This week will be two years since I have spoken to my uBPDm. After my father died I walked away and never returned. She continued to abuse any way she could (messing with his will to keep things from me that he had left, telling lies about me to anyone who would listen, etc... . )But after my daddy's funeral I left and have never been back or have never spoken to her. I must add that she was horrible to me during the few days after he passed and the day of his funeral. Two days after he died she actually told me and my family to leave the house and not to come back the next day. She is super paranoid and always thought I was there to steal something from her... . crazy! Anyway, going no contact was so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I felt abandoned and I felt guilty all at the same time. I felt lost... . I was so use to the crazy that it took me a long time to know how to function without it. I have done a lot of healing these past two years. I guess I feel a little guilty that my brother andhis family have provided all the care for her these past two years. I never want to live in such abuse and craziness again and really have no idea how I would even try to begin any kind of relationship with her again. She has never attempted to contact me since the day of the funeral. Just wondering what other's thoughts are on this.

[cinderella]

I was just wondering if most people who go no contact stay that way forever?This week will be two years since I have spoken to my uBPDm. After my father died I walked away and never returned. She continued to abuse any way she could (messing with his will to keep things from me that he had left, telling lies about me to anyone who would listen, etc... . )But after my daddy's funeral I left and have never been back or have never spoken to her. I must add that she was horrible to me during the few days after he passed and the day of his funeral. Two days after he died she actually told me and my family to leave the house and not to come back the next day. She is super paranoid and always thought I was there to steal something from her... . crazy! Anyway, going no contact was so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I felt abandoned and I felt guilty all at the same time. I felt lost... . I was so use to the crazy that it took me a long time to know how to function without it. I have done a lot of healing these past two years. I guess I feel a little guilty that my brother andhis family have provided all the care for her these past two years. I never want to live in such abuse and craziness again and really have no idea how I would even try to begin any kind of relationship with her again. She has never attempted to contact me since the day of the funeral. Just wondering what other's thoughts are on this.

[hoping4hope]

Been no contact with my parents for over 20 years.  The first couple of years were hard.

My father told my siblings and I that we all dead to him.

At this point I wouldn't attend their funerals, not because I don't care.  Still love them, but it would be hypocritical to go.  Besides Dad had always said he wanted to be in the ground and buried before any of us knew about it.  And this is when we were still a supposedly loving family. Never understood that one.  All of my siblings detached from my parents at various stages. It was a matter of survival.

Maybe when NC no longer feels like a matter of survival to you that would be the time to reconnect.

But avoid reconnecting on some big holiday, it would just add to the emotion.  Pick a nice quiet, non-emotional time.

Just a thought.

[Up In the Air]

Hi Cinderella!

Your post really struck me because this has been on my mind for some time too. My husband's mom is the unBPD and he also has a father who we suspect might be NPD. We have been NC for almost a year.

I can totally identify with your feelings, as could my husband. My husband is moving through the 'lost' phase and he's learning how to establish a new life for himself. This is huge for any adult child of a pwBPD and I'm amazed at his ability to see the past so clearly as it seems so much of the healing process is grappling for the light switch in the dark. Both my husband and I do feel guilty on some level too, as it leaves his younger sister to deal with the crazy (he's gone NC with his sister too). It's hard on his grandparents, which we feel bad about, but they are aware of the past and have been wonderfully understanding and have taken a neutral role.

I have often wondered what will happen when we have kids or if at some point this will all be solved to some degree and the fence mended. But if I am really honest with myself, I realize it won't likely happen. There is far too much hurt and pain there. The lack of trustworthiness and love overwhelms. I also think as people grow older they are less likely to change. My MIL and FIL are so self-righteous I think it'd take a miracle for them to earnestly come around to pull the blinders off and put forth effort for the healing of the relationship.

I think it also depends on how one decides to live their life. We feel that we have the right to a healthy family relationship with no abuse. We have the right to be respected and our boundaries respected. If his parents can't be just basic decent human beings, then letting his parents back into our lives doesn't make sense. A healthy relationship takes both sides. Yes, it means that we live our lives dealing with a broken family relationship and navigating other relationships and family functions (weddings, funerals) around it, but it's still broken even if we try to put it back together. It was never really whole. It was never healthy.

It does seem that there are people on the forum here that have been able to reinstate some kind of limited communication (or full on communication) with their pwBPD. So I do think it's possible. I do agree with hoping4hope that being in a comfortable place emotionally, not focusing on survival, would be beneficial to reconnecting, as you'll want them to get to know (and respect) the 'new you', as I'm sure you'll have grown in your period of NC.

[tryinghard2012]

For my husband his decision to go no contact occurred when he realized how deeply disturbed his mother is, and that there was nothing he could ever do to help, please or motivate her to improve. He also was at a breaking point of how much damage she inflicted on the entire family and she was completely unwilling to take responsibility for her actions. She all but poisoned our reputations in our community and enough was enough. Her words and actions were so hurtful and now after almost two full years of no contact, we can't imagine returning to a life with her as a constant stressor in it. In essence being without her for the past while has made him realize just how damaging her presence really was. She still refuses to admit she has a problem and continues to blame others for her damaged relationship with her son (me included). Until she takes responsibility and commits to proper psychiatric treatment we will continue with no contact and I doubt that will ever happen. Sadly after two years the thought of having to engage with her again still makes me sick to my stomach. More proof of how toxic she really is.

[poco22]

My friend stopped talking last fall, never answered the phone again,because I told him to be more considerate towards the ladies that he takes out. (He is married, long distance, but complicated story). Called yesterday, told him to call me and he did right away.Told me before he ended, to call him anytime. I found this amazing he acted like nothing ever happened. We are back where we stopped and the time in between disappeared. I know the routine, this is not the first time. It does not bother me because I am not emotional about him, just a friend. I take him as is, sometimes point things out. Done this for 12 years. Time consuming!

[poco22]

As for the ex, he still has the same pattern. Starts an argument on the phone and I hang up. The weeks later he may make an visual appearance at my house, lets new wive handle the kids and leaves asking if there was any problems. This also is going on for the last 12 years. He is going round and round. I figure he will do this until I physically move away. Wonder what would happen then. He always tries to talk me into staying in the house and not sell. But I did find a buyer he does not know this yet.   

[Alastor]

I guess it's been three years of NC. I've had similar periods in the past but those previous times I didn't know what I was dealing with (BPDm). When I last left I set clear conditions: if she starts treatment for BPD, she is welcome in my life with clear boundaries. Otherwise it stays like this. And I've been happy (and sane) 

[Ann2034]

I didn't speak to my BPDm for about a year, she actually went to a psychiatrist and got on medication for depression. Now that her symptoms are more under control, we can have a civil relationship with each other, albeit not a very deep one.

I don't know what to tell you except that the onus is really more on her than on you. All you can do is focus on loving yourself, if she comes around, that's an added bonus.

Take care of yourself:)

[Clearmind]

Background: I was no contact from my father for a period of 5 months – it helped with distance for me to regroup, heal from the trauma and learn some new coping skills. I now have controlled contact with my father and our relationship has improved because a) I have worked hard on my coping skills and boundaries b) I feel empowered because of it and dictate when and how contact is made c) my father now knows where I stand because I guard my boundaries rather than guarding no contact - as the rule.

No contact is a good tool when we are faced with initial trauma, it may not be a long term solution that works – unfortunately it is often not sustainable, often fails and can trigger our already evident abandonment fears. This is a cycle – and no contact sometimes does not help this cycle.

Why do I believe this? Many members on the board in recent years, since I have been a member, have feverishly guarded the no contact rule – then their parent contacts them, you both attend a funeral or wedding or family member’s birthday – contact is inevitable. What usually occurs is the member is thrown into a tail spin with no coping skills to help - that abandonment cycle is repeated.

What can help is low or controlled contact rather than the all or nothing approach of no contact – low or controlled contact is a strong boundary in itself – it means we get to choose the speed or pace of the relationship – it actually can provide us with some personal power where no contact does not – it simply avoids the underlying cause – which is often a mix of our own poor coping skills (collected from our childhood/past experience) and lack of firm boundaries.

Mindfulness and wise mind techniques helped me enormously – I cannot recommend these techniques enough.

Food for thought…

[GeekyGirl]

What can help is low or controlled contact rather than the all or nothing approach of no contact – low or controlled contact is a strong boundary in itself – it means we get to choose the speed or pace of the relationship – it actually can provide us with some personal power where no contact does not – it simply avoids the underlying cause – which is often a mix of our own poor coping skills (collected from our childhood/past experience) and lack of firm boundaries.

This is a good point, and I've also found in my experience that controlled contact is much easier than NC. I think about my parents much less often, believe it or not, and although there's still some pain, it's mostly because my parents and I won't have the close relationship I wish we could have.

There's no one-size-fits-all approach, to answer your question, cinderella. You've gotten some good responses here so I won't rehash them.  For some people, NC brings peace. For others, it just perpetuates the cycle of abuse, because it doesn't allow for them to grow and heal emotionally.

[skinny13]

In my experience, NC may not ultimately be your choice, but it may be what the PD chooses. As I got better and better at establishing boundaries, my uBPD/NPDm became nastier and nastier, and ultimately did the rejecting that led to NC.

I agree that for some, LC or VLC is easier, and when I was LC I thought about my parents less than I do being NC now. But I also know that if I go back to LC again, the cycle will continue, and I will just end up NC again, because I am not going to remove boundaries from the equation.

[enough abuse]

Your situation sounds pretty dramatic and with that said the behaviors and abuse are unlikely to change. If you have healed any the pain will likely return in a matter of time.

3 years ago I went NC with my UBPD sister for 6 months and then resumed controlled contact for about 3 years and then things GOT BAD... . currently 5 months into NC and truly plan on long term.   With the professional help I have received (twice now) it has been made clear to me the hurt and the cycle will happen again.  It may be in 2 yrs 5 yrs or more but it will happen.  Having gone through it 4 times in 12 years and having the understanding I do, it is just best for my family to be NC. 

I agree, it is not because I don't care.  I care very much and pray for the miracle that she will get help and if she got the help I would support her in ever way.  I cry often, pray often and always ask "why?"  I also Love her, but need to detach from the agony of involvement.   

Best of luck.   I am so sorry for the pain you are going through... .