She's on CL advertising for companionship for money

[xFiance-of-BPD]

Okay a little history quickly as I am drenched and having a panic attack.

Went out for close to 3 years.  75% of those three years were absolutely amazing.  We had an argument and I had to go to an appt.  We kept arguing over text.  I eventually said:  Maybe I should leave and we go our separate ways.  I'm sure everyone knows that went over well.  I came home to her not wearing the engagement ring and kicking me and my dog out.  That was Sept. 1st, 2012.  For the past we were trying to work it out.  Let me re-phrase... . I was trying to work it out.  Up until about a month ago we had contact.  Then her contact ended completely.  Nothing.  I spoke to a friend of mine Saturday night who is a therapist and specializes in BPD.  Her answer?  She's not replying because she's having sex.

I place an ad in casual encounters last night asking if anyone has had a dater with her.  3 guys replied within 15 minutes.  I emailed her best friend about it today and she said How do you know?  and I told her what I did and what happened and then told her about the sex part of the disease, put on top of that this is Los Angeles, she could get messed up real quick or try drugs (she's never used anything).  All day her friend never replies.  I look at ads tonight and lo and behold there's one that I KNOW is her.

Listen, I know this crap is over okay?  But this disease isn't her fault.  She has a very small family, her mom is 84.  Dad Alzheimer's. and a little sister who likes to pretend everything is rainbows and gumdrops.

She's BPD,that friend is pretty much it in LA.  The sister is 3000 miles away.  I'm trying to help without being there physically.  She's going to become an addict, get the ___ beat out of her or worse, going to get a disease.  I mean the dangers are endless.

It's who I am.  I cannot turn around and walk away and let her completely self destruct.  I won't do it.  My hands are tied.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[xFiance-of-BPD]

She hasn't been diagnosed yet.  A little over a month ago she checked herself into two er's for mental health.  But i think when it came down to it. she chickened out and lied to psych.


I've sent her a couple texts and all I say is that I'm here for you, I haven't left you and will not abandon you.  What effect if any does this have?  Does she even know anymore who I am?

[cska]

xFiance, I'm so sorry to hear about your pain...   My situation was similar in the sense that my ex would threaten me with suicide, and I too couldn't abandon her. I felt responsible for her,

You sent her a kind text, but the rest is up to her. I know you feel powerless, and I know it hurts.

For a year I watched my ex become worse and worse, I was powerless. The feeling of powerlessness is horrible, I know.

You did all you could, but she is responsible for the rest. You are not responsible for her, but I know that me saying that probably doesn't mean much. In my case, I felt responsible for my ex, even though in reality I wasn't.

If her friend knows about the sex, maybe you can ask her friend to try to talk to her. Maybe she will listen to her friend. But apart from that, you did all you could.

Please, hang in there, we're here for you!

[xFiance-of-BPD]

That's the thing. I told the friend and she never wrote back so maybe she does it too.  I don't understand the "yeah, whatever" attitude buy friends/family towards everything.

Also, what would a BPD's reaction be to a text like that?  Does she even feel bad that she's doing this?  I know she has no idea how this is making me feel cause that would require empathy.

[ScotisGone74]

Unfortunately there is a limit to what you can do for her at this point.  She is an adult and can make her own decisions on who to be with, around, or have sex with at Any time she chooses, albeit Mental Illness or not.  I know it hurts and you want to do the right thing by helping them, but truly helping them is letting them deal with their own consequences and choices really.   I will recommend a good book you may want to take a look at, titled 'Codependent No More' by Melody Battle. 

[xFiance-of-BPD]

Help me understand the fact that I don't want to see someone close to me get injured, get hooked on drugs, or possibly get a disease is being co-dependent.  I took a class on it which involved a lot of group sessions so I'm aware of what it is.


Thanks

[ScotisGone74]

Well, for starters, part of the understanding is this:     1.  When the majority of your Time and Life are being spent on how to help Someone else with Their problem to the detriment of Your own Life and/or Problems that is part of being codependent.   

2.  At some point you have to realize what/who you are trying to help fix is Not a fixable problem or situation for you.  Whether this takes you years, months, or weeks to figure out depends on your understanding of the situation.  You need to determine how much of yourself you are willing to give up to make an attempt at a situation like this. 

I did alot of the same thing you are doing right now at the beginning, only to come to the realization that I didn't cause the problem despite the guilt that was dropped on me, and I didnt cause her to sleep around or constantly start arguments, those are her decisions that she has to deal with, not my problems any more. 

[cska]

That's the thing. I told the friend and she never wrote back so maybe she does it too.  I don't understand the "yeah, whatever" attitude by friends/family towards everything.

Yes, I've encountered the "yeah, whatever" attitude, and I admit it shocked me. People who tend to stay in BPD relationships tend to have big hearts, so the "yeah, whatever" attitude can be quite disturbing for people like us.

Like Scotisgone said, "Unfortunately there is a limit to what you can do for her at this point."

Also, what would a BPD's reaction be to a text like that?  :)oes she even feel bad that she's doing this?  

Its hard to predict what her reaction would be, but its a kind text, I think at this point that's all you can do.

Does she even feel bad that she's doing this?  

In my case, when my ex would paint me black, she would distort reality and make it seem like whatever she was doing is not dishonorable or bad, even if what she was doing was cruel towards me, and not fair to say the least. Remember, pwBPD are very good as distorting reality, its a defense mechanism that allows them to not become overwhelmed with shame/guilt.

Help me understand the fact that I don't want to see someone close to me get injured, get hooked on drugs, or possibly get a disease is being co-dependent.

Its great and honorable to care about others, but when you start to care for others' need at the expense of your own, and disregard your own needs, that is not healthy. That is codependency. You've done all you can, now take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself, you wrote that you're drenched and anxious. Do something for yourself that will help you relax. (In my case, I watch movies, listen to music.)

[delusionalxox]

agree with cska. You're caring too much here. She has rejected your care before and if she does come back for it the same toxic dance will start again.

That being said I also admire how much you care and keep giving. It was part of the trap for us all. Trying to save the sad little boy/girl from themselves and the pain at their core.

It won't work. And we probably also have to be clear that we are trying to save ourselves through them. Did you read the LonelyChild/Abandoned Child essay on here? It says everything. By caring consistently we aim to give to another what we want for ourselves. And the energy goes the wrong way- we need to care for ourselves first before pouring our love down the BPD black hole.

xxx

[xFiance-of-BPD]

okay, thank you everyone.  Couple things:


1.  Why the total cutoff on me?  Does she view me as the source of all of her problems right now?

2.  And why the sex right now. Is it cause she's upset about the relationship?  What?

[ScotisGone74]

I can't read her mind or my exBPD's mind for that matter, but what I hypothesize is that :  2.  They use the sex to feel close to someone else, not us, its how they connect with someone else.  It helps them to put some distance between them and us-their fear is intimacy, not sex.  Different sex partners is not a problem for them, they can rationalize it in their own minds.   1. Most BPD's are like that, total cutoff all at once when you may even least expect it-Mine kept telling/texting me she loved me/cared about why moving another guy in her place, he was already moving in when she had me over a couple times... . sheeesh.  I don't know why they do it exactly... . but maybe about a  month and a half before the end She Told me I had done one of the nicest things Anyone had ever done for her and we went home and just loved each other crazy all night.   I think honestly my exBPD was just scared she maybe loved me or was starting to really care for me after a couple of years when all the fake BS idealization wore off.  Supposedly intimacy is one of their triggers, and I believe that fully, once the idealization is over and they love someone or realize that someone else loves them, then lookout, they're gone or starting the next catastrophe.  I know its crazy. 

[slimmiller]

They use sex to self soothe. Their emotions are what they feel physically at the moment. Its not about you. Its all about them. I have heard it put this way, sex to them is like masturbation using and other perons body.

We value sex and intimacy as something deep and meaningful. It gives us 'real' comfort and joy. To them its a trigger. When they actually start to feel something real they throw us away.

Why? Its complicated but its almost like they were hurt by someone they loved the most (maybe as a child a parent hurt them) so now to keep from getting hurt, they hurt you before you have a chance to hurt them (even though you have no intentions of ever hurting them).

It does not matter how much you care about her, you can not protect her from herself. You have to let go for your own sanity