I have done something a bit different...

[connect]

Hi guys,

My bf gets triggered  by holidays and special events. He is arranging his  young son’s birthday party this week and is also off work on holiday so potential hotspots galore...

I have been kept separate from this particular group of friends (mums that give him lots of attention) and so my invitation to this party has not appeared yet (as I suspected)

On Friday (the party is Tuesday) I decided to do things differently. I told my bf that I had not yet received an invitation to the party and I had made my own plans for that day instead.

Round of applause please! Lol 

Very new approach for me. Normally i would be so upset and stressed, trying to push myself into an event I would feel unwelcome at etc and therefore wouldn’t even enjoy etc blah blah... .

Have arranged to do some volunteer dog walking that day instead for an animal welfare charity – much better for me!

The party is tomorrow and i will be staying at his tonight and tomorrow I expect – not sure how I will handle him talking about the party? Obviously I don’t want to hear all about an event that as his partner (and close to his son) I have not been welcomed to... Maybe I will tell him this too. What do you think? 

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[123Phoebe]

If not being invited to the party bothers you, I think I'd question my own motivations for staying at his house on the heels of the party.  I wouldn't be able to do it. 

It seems like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and sending a mixed message: that on one hand you're upset and hurt, but not enough to protect yourself from it, i.e., hearing all about the party that you're not invited to.

If I'm not sure how I'd handle it, then that would give me an even bigger indication that I should steer clear of it altogether and regroup.

Do you see how this is all about you and not him?  About your own feelings?

What are you hoping to happen if he starts talking about the party and you tell him that you don't want to hear about it?  What do you think will actually happen?

You've already stated that you've made other plans.

[yeeter]

Good questions to consider from Phoebe.

The other part that jumps out at me is that you say you are very close to his son.  Yet are not be included in the celebration of his birthday.  For me, if I am going to be a part of a childs life, then I would want to be involved.  And if not, would question whether its in the best interest of the child to have me in the relationship at all.

Have you (or your bf) considered this from the childs perspective?  What would the child say you are to him? 

Just another thought... .

[123Phoebe]

The other part that jumps out at me is that you say you are very close to his son.  Yet are not be included in the celebration of his birthday.  For me, if I am going to be a part of a childs life, then I would want to be involved.  And if not, would question whether its in the best interest of the child to have me in the relationship at all.

Have you (or your bf) considered this from the childs perspective?  What would the child say you are to him? 

Just another thought... .

Yeeter makes an excellent point... .

I also want to ask, is his son staying with him right now?  I'm assuming not, because how fair would it be to not want to hear about the party in front of his son who's party it is?

[MaybeSo]

Congratulations on making other plans!  Sounds like a smart thing to do!

... . as far as the party... .

yea... .

I guess I have the same questions; I don't really get being close to your bf's child but not invited to his party, while other adults in his life are invited?

Once about 4 years ago, when I was living with my ex, he out of the blue announced he was going to a party at his ex's place that night.  No warning, just out of the blue.  He and his ex wife are NOT friends, but did go to college together 25 years ago, and used to own a business together... . and some mutual friends from college were coming out, so he wanted to go.  But, he indicated I would not be welcome because his ex wife didn't want me on HER turf at the time.   

I was living with him and helping to raise HIS and HER kids.

To me it was simple, he needs to see his friends, that's cool,  so call them and have them come over to OUR place later that night and we will all party together!

But, no, he didn't want to do that... . he just wanted to last minute leave me at home, and go to the old haunting grounds at the property where he and his ex used to host these parties, and I was to just be left at home.

So, when he got back from his ex wife's party that night, I was not there. I left, and only came a couple times later that week to pack up my stuff and move out. 

I made arrangements to live somewhere else. 

I'll be danmed if I'm going to raise his and his ex wife's children and then be treated like a nanny they can just dismiss when it's inconvenient to have me around... . I mean, COME ON NOW!  These people!  Really?    Not going to happen!

And yes... . what kind of weird message is this sending children?  When it gets that weird like this... . for me, it's time to let the 'crazies' do their crazy thing, but I want no part of it.

[MammaMia]

Awkward! 

Did you buy his son a gift?  I would definitely do that and give it to him privately.  If he asks why you were not at the party just tell him you had another commitment but you hope he had an awesome time and then maybe plan to do something special together... . just the two of you ... . like a movie?  There is no reason for the child to feel neglected.  He has not done anything.

However, If you stay at your bf's home, he will either talk about the party or he will not say a word.  Either way you are going to be uncomfortable and there will

most likely be trouble.  I would rethink this option.

[connect]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your replies.

It's the day of the party. I have spent a LOVELY morning walking an adorable rescue dog   Then retail therapy for desert.

And yes of course I completely agree that his behaviour sucks big time round this. I anticipated this and was prepared and had a plan in place if I sensed a reluctance on an invite and I implemented the plan straight away. The main reason for my post was less about his poor behaviour and more about my new reaction. The old me would have been crying, upset, pushed my way into the party, had spiralling thoughts and felt AWFUL as well probably shouting at him. I think from these boards I am slowly learning how to have back up plans, how to choose my battles, how to plan for me instead of him and how to have a life not centred around his poor decisions. Its a small step for me but a significant one. That was the main reason for posting for me.

Without defending him in any way I will say that he is coming out of a dissociated period and has just been referred by his doctor (horray!) for the long awaited psychological assessment that is long overdue.

His last week off with his son was challenging. I can see he is starting to improve atm and we are communicating better. I briefly stated my feelings on the subject and my reasons for making my own plans and this morning we talked about it again very briefly. When his son goes back to his mums on Thursday I have told him we need to talk. In this instance it was a case of choosing my battles and this was not one I wanted to choose. (I wouldn't have enjoyed the party for various reasons - I would have found it stressful) I will talk when his son is gone and when his holiday time with him is over in a better environment.

And yes the words "unpaid nanny" have been in my head along with many others (some of which I can't type here!) The significant difference is that this time my reactions were about what was best for me today.

He will get to hear VERY clearly what I think about this. He is now starting to regulate enough to hear me and the list of things that I want to talk about. The things I want to happen in the r/s. I am prepared to compromise (aren't we all here?) but I am going to want more from him.

I honestly don't think he "gets" it you know? He never seems to get how he can hurt people. I will be letting him know!

To answer some questions: Me and his son are very close - his son keeps asking ":)addy will you marry Connect?" His son is staying with him the whole week and I am too. I did buy presents and gave them to him this morning. The reason for the reluctance on the invite? The group of mums I have had very limited contact with - he keeps them separate - doesn't like the two worlds to collide - he gets stressed thinking of that. He also gets stressed about events and knows I will want to talk to him at this event and be present as "his girlfriend" - he anticipated more stress for himself (he thinks I will be jealous of the mums) and a slide back into depression as a result. I know - what a load of balls, but that's what's going on here - protecting himself from stress at my expense - VERY common for him.  And yes I am royally pi**ed off about it but not enough to leave - enough to have a bloody good discussion about it though - that's for sure. And enough to discuss all the other things which lead off from this too ie - him meeting my friends more, him committing more, the mums not being kept in a protective bubble, us planning better, more contact when apart etc etc... .

In the circumstances of how ill he has been I choose not to fight this battle to the hilt but it is not a r/s template for me by any means for the future. This one wasn't a boundary for me personally but it stung enough for me start acting differently and to plan what I am going to say about my needs. I want him in my life, I want him to improve but I will be okay if he doesn't work out for me knowing I gave it my best shot. I don't have quite that sense of desperation about it all that I used to have. More levelled about it.

It's weird I feel like I am defending myself or something in this post? I don't know why? I will see him later today - maybe I will be posting on here later with a post called "I Threw A Brick At His Head"  . Anyway - its an improvement for me today - will see how I go later - new territory...

[connect]

Ok - so now I want to throw a brick at his head.

He dysregulated all over me after the party. Well - he tried to but I refused to engage. I said I will talk about this another time when he is calmer. He said as usual that's his WHOLE problem with me - that I wont talk about anything. He wants to "talk" when dysregulated ... . sigh... . it's really not a good time then.

Its the adding insult to injury thing that bugs me. They do something to p*ss us off , we rise above it and then they have the nerve to blame us!

It's all calmed down here now. At the moment anyway. Will keep the status quo and go in for a serious talk as soon as I can in the next few days. I have a few things I want to get off my chest.

[MammaMia]

connect

Why was he angry?  He did not invite you to the party... . or did he just "assume" you would attend without an invitation?

[MaybeSo]

Connect,

It is a good sign to be less hooked into him and his stuff and to plan your own day the way you want and take care of yourself.

Basically, if you can make this work for you, bravo!

As for his dysregulation AFTER the party... . huh... .   I'm curious why he was in such a bad mood afterward and a little surprised... .

On the other hand, nothing surprises me anymore!

[waverider]

Its the adding insult to injury thing that bugs me. They do something to p*ss us off , we rise above it and then they have the nerve to blame us!

That's because you were not following the rules, he expected you to be pissed off so that he could prove you to be unreasonable and he could have a turn at being victimized. You weren't, so he couldn't, so he upped the anti to try and get you back in the game.

You did well not to rengage. There are issues you want to raise, and you are leaving them for a time that is out of this particular sequence of events. Excellent, reduces the chance of going off on the inevitable tangent it would have if you had raised them at that time.

The main thing about acting unconcerned, as you did about the initial party, is that you really feel it. Otherwise sooner or later you will let out a sly jab, and then it would be on, and you would be "exposed" for not being genuine etc...

So keep working on how you really feel so that you don't end up living a facade of silent resentment

Sounds like you are doing good though

[123Phoebe]

connect

Why was he angry?  He did not invite you to the party... . or did he just "assume" you would attend without an invitation?

Hmm, ya know... . Good point, MammaMia!  This has me wondering.  I've been so focused on your BF blowing you off in the past (and MAD right along with you!), that I hadn't thought about him maybe actually wanting you to come to the party?  :)id he come right out and say that he didn't?

I wonder how SET would've worked beforehand?

"Your son's birthday is coming up and I know you want to make it special.  I want it to be special, too.  We haven't discussed anything about me attending it and I'm not sure what that means exactly?  :)oes it mean that I have an open invitation?  I'd really like to be there."

This would've made your feelings known and given him the opportunity to make his known also, not assumed.

Hmmm... .

This definitely would've helped open up the lines of communication in an authentic way towards your relationship, regardless of his answer.

Hmmm... .

[waverider]

Hmmm... .

^^^ This by the way, especially when said with a pondering look on your face while gazing off into the distance, is a very good, and safe, validation tool when a pwBPD is telling you stuff.

[connect]

Hi,

Thanks as ever guys - it helps to work things out here...

Well he was angry because he was overwhelmed (a bit like an overtired child) he gets like this after "events" probably from the strain of the public mask wearing (he has told me this exhausts him) and also being around 20 four year old kids for the afternoon. He then looks round for an excuse to vent and feelings=facts. I also think he felt guilty for not inviting me and felt bad about himself, therefore it becomes my fault that he feels bad about himself. Also yes he expected me to go crazy about this - I didnt - he was effectively the one waiting for the other shoe to drop (welcome to my world sunshine!)

When I saw him he went straight in for the kill - "are you ok? Whats the matter with you?" whilst sporting a dysregulated face. This sort of question means he knows I am not ok but he wants me to say something there and then so he can latch onto it as the excuse for him to vent on me. A this point I can either a) lie and say I am 100% happy or b) tell the truth. If I lie I am being ungenuine and he knows it so he will start on me over that. If I tell the truth he will latch onto that too. No win as per.

So I said in answer "I am hurt about the party but I will be ok as I have dealt with it in my head" He kept on at me to provoke more reaction - getting more agitated. Saying the fact I was hurt was something I should have discussed with him. Actually I did do this but he seemed to have forgotten. I reminded him that when I left this morning he had thanked me for being understanding with him and not going mad - he had said he needs to keep stress at a minimum atm as he is not very well mentally. We had parted on good terms that morning. I told him this and that I would not be drawn into an arguement, I told him I was not going to get angry with him. I think that was what calmed him down. I said I would not be used as a vent for any stresses in his day as it is unfair to me and I walked away from him.

This sort of pattern is very common for us. Happens a lot.

I see his point about me not being genuine. As I said to him finding a time to be genuine is difficult as I am mindful of his mental health atm and wanting this week with his son to be a good one for all of us. Also tbh me being genuine would involve treating him like a normal b/f  (which involves displaying anger when I feel it)- the BPD stops me being genuine in this way frequently.

Yes Phebe the pre-party convo you described would have been better! Instead I did it when upset previousley

[MammaMia]

connect

I think you did the right thing in waiting to vent.  Let the dust settle, but make sure to follow through and discuss the situation.  Do not allow him to "forget" the plan.  Be genuine and honest, you are correct in saying he will know if you are not., and try to discuss the situation calmly, quietly, and simply.

Yes, hindsight is always 20/20.  You did the best you could under the circumstances. 

I hope the party was a huge success, and I think 20 4 yr olds would send many people woBPD over the edge!

[123Phoebe]

Connect, when addressing issues with him in the future keep the communication tools in mind.  If he starts going off, use your boundaries.  Try not to worry too much about him going off, he will from time to time.  Step away from the drama to protect yourself and the relationship.

SET lets us speak our truth (even our anger), while being validating at the same time.

You already know all this and are doing great!

How did it feel having other plans?  Empowering?

[connect]

Thanks guys.  It has really helped knowing you think I am doing ok on this. It can feel lonely as a non in BPD world sometimes.

The update is that he was fine for the rest of the night last night and was good today. He did things I suggested today for a change (dog walking) and he cooked and made an effort. Thank the lord.

Waverider - you are right that the dysregulation after the party was a way for him to try to provoke the reaction he wanted. He has done this to me LOADS of times before - I seemed to have forgotten he does this! He wanted to provoke me, cause a row and for me to shout and then be able to turn around and say "See THAT'S why I didnt invite you to the party! Because you are like THIS!" Its his common way of justifying his bad behaviour. Thanks for the reminder.

Phoebe - thanks -   I am revisising the communication tools SET and DEARMAN ready for my talk with him. I seem to rotate through being good at some tools and then forgetting them again! I did this with validation recently. I had a great run at validating for ages and in the last few weeks seem to have forgotten my skills! I think it may be due to him being so rageful recently and I have been firefighting the rages instead and validation doesnt seem to work for him then so I lost the skill a bit. SET and DEARMAN I havent used much as I am usually reacting to him instead of raising issues myself. Having and implimenting my own plans did feel empowering. It felt wierd and uncomfortable as its not how I normally handle things but it felt good! Lets face it my normal way of handling things needed some work so the uncomfortable feeling is not necessarily a bad sign. A cbt therapist told me that new ways of thinking/acting will feel uncomfortable at first.

Mammamia - yes I will really concentrate on planning and HAVING the talk with him. I need to get ready and ensure I DO it. In the past I drop it sometimes for fear of rocking the boat. He does respect me more for talking to him and in past r/s's talking has never ever been an issue for me - if anything I was told I want to talk about things too much! I will be direct and concise - he says he prefers that style of communication too.  

So I am back at work tomorrow and he has one more day with his son. His pattern is to want a few days space to "process" the events of the last week. He says he needs this time to "file" the information away in his head. So I will be deciding if the convo should come before or after this space. Not sure yet about that. He says he feels a bit numb atm - typical pattern after a full on week for him.