Trust and Interpersonal Relationships After a Horrible BPD Experience

[jillmercay]

So I have this issue that has been coming up and very much bothering me. About two years ago I was in a horrible BPD relationship, which thankfully ended after about 8 months. So my exposure was not near as long as some others I've read about on here. Before the relationship I was a fairly trusting and outgoing person. Now, even after two years I've become sort of like a turtle. I'm still stuck in my shell of sorts and afraid to come out. It's gotten a lot better but I'm still QUITE leery of people and their intentions. To confound the problem, I discovered that a coworker who I thought I had an ok work relationship with has been talking smack about me on his long list of multiple chat buddies. He's not just sitting and making stuff up, but evidently he doesn't like me at all, etc. Nothing that I can really think I've done wrong or would have changed in the first place. For instance, he never has much to do, so he's usually got on headphones and watching videos most of the day. If I ask him something, evidently that annoys him beyond belief. And evidently he critiques most everything I do and comments to several different people online about it in a negative way.

So... . just as my trust level in people was starting to come back, this really has hurt my feelings and made me retreat back into a shell. I wasn't like this before my BPD relationship. Is this something that gets better? Am I just permanently scarred, so to speak? I'm really hating still being like this after well over two years. And I've not had any contact with the former BPD partner.

[Rose Tiger]

BPD exes really rip off the rose colored glasses of the world.  There are bad people in the world and it can be hard to spot them.  The  book Safe People is a good start to learning how to spot them.  I'm sorry your coworker is passive/aggressive and can't talk with you first about issues.  People that gossip to you, are the ones that will gossip about you.  There are good folk out there, building some knowledge and confidence will lead you to them.   

[jillmercay]

So you think it's passive/aggressive behavior then? I probably should educate myself on that trait. I'm somewhat familiar with it but not enough to really develop a coping strategy yet. It's annoying for sure. The thing that really gets me is the huge difference in the persona of the person typing these statements and the person who I interact with daily. It's really a two-faced situation. I was a bit taken back by it all. The BPD relationship had definitely left me somewhat scarred. And just as I was beginning to put some interpersonal trust in someone thinking I'm finally getting over the BPD experience, this happens. I'll check out the book as well. Thanks for that bit of info.

[Rose Tiger]

Sure thing.  Some people fall into the acquaintance category, you don't share anything deeper than hockey scores and the weather.   I have lots of coworkers like that.  It is rare the person or persons that can become a real friend, and they aren't going to be perfect either.     The ones that can tell you the truth and be accountible, those are the keepers.  As you build up a reputation of a stand up guy, then people develop trust for you and your network will develop.  Do you work at a place with a lot of people?

[jillmercay]

We work in a room that is sort of remote from everybody else. So on a typical day it's just the two of us all day. TOTALLY different personalities. At first I just chalked it up to him being maybe introverted or something. But I sort of get the impression he's not maybe happy with life? I don't know. I think he's planning to quit soon anyway. But my issue is that we had been going on what I thought was well for some time. I trusted him enough to divulge more personal information than I would with most people and then come to find out he's been talking smack about me to his buddies online and there's this long laundry list of stuff that bothers him about me. I'm not one of those people with 1,000 Facebook friends or anything but the people I know, I know very well. I've been friends with a good many of them for well over 20 years. Some as long as 30 (and I'm in my early 40's). So I'm not any different than I am with them and they comprise a wide variety of personality types. As I stated, after the BPD thing, I'm REALLY jaded on opening up and trusting new people outside of my existing circle. My trust level with my co-worker went from high to near zero. :-(

[musicfan42]

Don't let the work guy get you down jillmercay-it sounds like he could be jealous of you. Is that what you mean when you say that he's passive-aggressive Rose Tiger?

[Rose Tiger]

Not exactly.  In my family growing up, no one could say it up front if they were displeased with something.  It was said to someone else, behind their back.  Petty stuff, why even say it at all?  It's of no value to put down someone behind their back.  If it is important enough to you, talk to the person about it.  Mature people discuss the issue with the person, not go running to kill someone's reputation with others.  It is very difficult for people to overcome this behavior and it's common, not just people with PDs.  

[Rose Tiger]

A little trick I learned, jillmer, and this is going to sound weird.  Pretend your coworker loves the snot out of you.  Sounds crazy, huh.  I have some difficult coworkers and my instinct is to sneer and not be nice... . that isn't going to help the work situation.  So I pretend they love me and that helps me to be kind to them.  They respond to that and are kind back to me.  We all know they are gossipers and making snide remarks, but so what, we don't need to know about it, they will do that to anyone.  No one is pure black and white, there are probably a couple good qualities in there somewhere with your coworker, some likable things.  I hope. 

[livednlearned]

I dunno, are you blurring the difference between having your guard up and having good boundaries? I think it's good to have boundaries with co-workers, which could be the same as having your guard up, or not trusting them with personal information. Not so much that you don't allow yourself to be collegial, but coworkers are people you get to know because you work with them. It's one of the reasons we're always encouraged to be professional, no matter what industry you work in.

It sounds like maybe you let your boundaries down and shared personal info with him. It would be hard to share an office space and maintain professional boundaries -- especially for nons, who tend to be people pleasers.

I crossed this boundary with my supervisor and I deeply regret it. Fear and Anxiety in the Workplace by Harriet Lerner is a good book about this -- we often create triangulation because of the nature of the office environments and the authority dynamics we're enmeshed in.

Now that you know your coworker is not to be trusted, what do you plan to do?

[jillmercay]

The plan is to not give very many personal details. We actually talked about the situation Thursday, as it was bothering me. I didn't go into specifics other than I said that I felt I was annoying him at times and asked if there was indeed anything I was specifically doing that annoyed him. So we sort of cleared the air, so to speak. I left for a mini vacation and today is my first day back. He's actually talkative and in a good mood today. So maybe all that was needed was our chat Thursday. But I'm still feeling guarded though.