What were the parents/families like of the pwBPD in your life?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Were they abusive?

Were they too lenient?

Are they logical people?

Did they regularly call your pwBPD out on their BS (in a decent fashion)?


My H saw two extremes... . he had an abusive dad (raging/some physical, likely BPD) and a super lenient mom (likely NPD). 

His mom NEVER calls her kids out on BS or illogical things.  Everything they do is super.  Her motto was "do whatever makes you happy."   Most of the kids are quite lazy, including my H, because they were allowed to be so.  They slept in as much as they could, did few chores (they had housekeepers), and watched every TV program that was on back then. 

The dad stayed away much of the time at his office or watching TV... . he hated being around his kids.  He would rage over normal kid noise. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Sadwife,

I've wondered about this too... . UNTIL, I found it much more fascinating digging into my own background... .

That's where the real growth happens

[SadWifeofBPD]

Since I have a T and my sis is a T, I've long done that.

I'm the oldest D of a very large family.  I grew up taking care of babies and little ones.  So, I did too much for my H, and now I do much less.

My family was very hard-working and we didn't do things expecting flattery, compliments or forever-thanks. 

I now understand that H expects/needs thanks and compliments for the most minor things. 

[bruceli]

Were they abusive?

Were they too lenient?

Are they logical people?

Did they regularly call your pwBPD out on their BS (in a decent fashion)?


My H saw two extremes... . he had an abusive dad (raging/some physical, likely BPD) and a super lenient mom (likely NPD). 

His mom NEVER calls her kids out on BS or illogical things.  Everything they do is super.  Her motto was "do whatever makes you happy."   Most of the kids are quite lazy, including my H, because they were allowed to be so.  They slept in as much as they could, did few chores (they had housekeepers), and watched every TV program that was on back then. 

The dad stayed away much of the time at his office or watching TV... . he hated being around his kids.  He would rage over normal kid noise. 

Very abusive and invalidating.

[Cipher13]

I have read that this is triggered or developed or whatever the word is for it. It happens at there youth.  From what i can gather from my W past this didn't happen from the youn age. Unless I am missing something. Her issues began about 8th grade far as I can tell. Betrayed by a best friend and what ever else from that situation I don't know but it caused her to move to different school in 10th grade. I guess same crowd hung out together at both schools as changing schools didn't help. Then there was her older sister getting pregant at 17 and gettting married. New husband and baby moving in with her parents. She was moved from her bedroom to the basment. That is were i think it started. She felt abandoned and replaced and isolated. Thats where she began drinking and drugs.  Had a bad trip on pot mixed with sever anxiety episode and she ended up in the ER and the anxiety issue exploded from there. 

Far as I can tell her parents were alot like mine. We had chores to do. We worked hard. There were consequenes for bad behavior.  I never got into any trouble with law, drinking or drugs. She hasn't been in trouble with law but drinking and drugs she has had bad expereinces. Won't touch a drop of alcohol, or take any form of any pill. Not even a pain med for when she had gum surgery.

[SadWifeofBPD]

The invalidating thing seems to be a biggie. 

H really thrives if he's validated, complimented, and thanked (over and over again... . ).

Yesterday, he said something that was illogical, but he still needed to be validated, once he was, he moved on.  In the past, I wouldn't have validated something crazy/illogical.

He needs to be told, "thank you for doing (small thing).  I greatly appreciate that you did (small thing). You saved me from having to do (small thing)."   I came from a family where you issued a quick thanks for some small favor (someone bringing you a soda), but H needs a whole paragraph of words expressing thanks, gratitude, etc.

Years ago, H gave me various examples of responses I should give, and I thought he was nuts (before I knew he had this disorder).   I thought, "I'm not saying 3-5 sentences, when a quick a "thanks" or "sorry" ought to do it".  Now, I know he "needs" all those words for some reason. 


Cipher... . my sister would say that the events that you mentioned while your wife was "older" were not the first tramatic event(s).  However, those events triggered something deep in her from a much earlier time that she may not remember. 

My H had his breakdown while in college.  No one seems to know why.  My sister insists that something was going on at that time that deep-down was harkening back to a much earlier time.  I know that it was during a Presidential election.  H's dad was very narrow minded politically and would shout down anyone with opposing views.  (his way or the high way).  Since there were family members (including H) that held very opposing views, likely there were some horrific blow-ups, that may have triggered pain from young childhood when H's father was frequently abusive. 

[charred]

Good question.

I met them. My pwBPD's mother, is in my opinion BPD herself... she is overbearingly moralistic and judgmental, never wrong, never to blame. Her father is now an alcoholic... . may not have been when I first met him 30 yrs ago...  and is a quiet "keep a stiff upper lip" type.

Her (my pwBPD's)  big complaint from growing up was that she was put in a public school in a small town where all the kids were a different religion than her families, and she was picked on and beat up (bullied) daily due to it, ... . and her parents just told her to buck up and deal with it. She was very traumatized by it.

She acts like they are perfect parents, but can argue endlessly (and viciously) with her father. He seemed to give her very little love and it was conditional... . had things he wanted her to accomplish with her career and she didn't want to do them, when she went her own way,he quit being supportive... what little he was.

They were nice to me the times I saw them and spent time with them... . but they both were what I would consider oddballs.

They were the first people she would paint me black with... . and the last she would let know things were better. Had a few very awkward meetings with them, which I think was from her rants.

Her dad said something that still sticks with me, when I asked how she had been all the years she and I were apart, and how she was now. He said; "she is the same as she was... . only more so."

I think the situation is that he is religious, feels duty bound to stay with her mother... who is BPD herself... has been through decades of hell in the relationship, and now embraces the bottle too much. He knows his daughter is similar, only has more fire in her... is a much angrier person... and he is biding his remaining time.  I am thankful I am not in his spot... but for years I wanted the long term with my pwBPD... . and it would have been the same or worse.

[Cipher13]

I want to talk to my W parents about some things and what I am dealing with and have found but feel it might be a form of mis trust and invasion of personal space.  I think her da who is very knowledgeable about some of these sort of things as he has a MSW liscene. Not that it makes him a expert but more knowledgeable than some.  I don't want to cross a line I shouldn't and I don't want W to know. She is close to her parents. Texts/calls every day. Plus she monitors my phone. Looks thorught numbers and sees if it texted anyone she doesn't know. ie any other than her.  Any suggestion how to approach this?

[lisichka]

My husbands parents are nice people, but expected him to grow up very early and to be responsible for himself very early. He's grown up on his own and looking after himself since he was a little kid, and never had much help and attention from family.

He now needs a lot of attention, and will do anything crazy for the purpose of being shown that we care for him. Even extreme things, so that he is constantly reminded that he has attention and he is cared for.

[SadWifeofBPD]

My husbands parents are nice people, but expected him to grow up very early and to be responsible for himself very early. He's grown up on his own and looking after himself since he was a little kid, and never had much help and attention from family.

He now needs a lot of attention, and will do anything crazy for the purpose of being shown that we care for him. Even extreme things, so that he is constantly reminded that he has attention and he is cared for.

that makes sense.  He felt abandoned at a young age.  My H has admitted to this as well.  His mom was quick to "move on" to the newest baby in the house (she had 8 babies in about 9 years).  H was needy and difficult from birth and his mom was happy to move on to the next new babies. 

I think one reason why H was such a bratty child was that he did those things for attention.

They were the first people she would paint me black with... . and the last she would let know things were better. Had a few very awkward meetings with them, which I think was from her rants.

Same here.  They still think I cheated on my H about 7 years ago (H's wild imagination since a man asked me for a drink - I didn't go!)   . H insists that he told them that I didn't, but there's too many signs that H never really cleared that up. 

[sadeyes]

Dad died when he was 2

Mom died when he was 4

Lived with VERY VA and PA family member couple whe were in their early 20's

Lived with much older half sis who vas extremely neglectful. Like leaving him alone for weeks 10 yrs old.

Lived in group homes & w/ friends from about 13 or 14

[SadWifeofBPD]

What is VA and PA?

Very sad to lose both parents at such a young age.  Very abandoning.

I think my H never felt protected (felt abandoned) from his abusive dad.  H was a difficult baby/young child and his dad didn't really like children, so H got the brunt of his anger a lot. 

I've often wondered what the heck his mom was doing when this abuse was going on. 

[maryy16]

Both my H's parents have PD's, not diagnosed but most likely BPD and NPD.  Father physically abusive.  Mother physically and mentally abusive.  For instance, she was buy my H a toy and then a few days later take it back to the store, telling him that he didn't deserve to have it. So trust is a huge issue for him.

As an adult he did not speak to his mother, father, or sister for 11 years due to several issues.  He told his mom that he couldn't have any contact with her after something she did.  To that she replied "Ok, this means war!". And for the next 11 years there was no contact with us or our 3 children (her grandchildren!) - no birthday cards for them, no Christmas cards, nothing! Cut everyone off and now wonders why her grandkids don't care about her.

[sara101]

hi, never met my spouses parents (died  before we married) however his 1 sister is abnormally clingy , (strange because when my husband and I were dating he said he wasn't close to her and he mentioned that she is a very self-centered person that he didn't have much to do with) as soon as we got married I noticed she calls him daily (sometimes multiple times), needs to know everything going on in our lives and has an opinion on everything. don't know if he acts irrational with her or not, never saw them fight. she is rude to me so I just try to stay far away from her 

[SadWifeofBPD]

my brother's wife also has BPD.  She kept it well hidden prior to their marriage, but after the first child was born it really started emerging... . raging, entitled, demanding, unfair, controlling, unreasonable,... . and scared to death that my brother will speak to anyone about her. 

Her parents divorced when she was very young.  Her mom very likely had BPD (raging, mean, cruel).  Her dad never had anything to do with the kids after that... . even when the kids tried to have contact with him... . and then he died.

The mom remarried a ne'r do well, and the mom was cruel to him as well. 

[sadeyes]

What is VA and PA?

Very sad to lose both parents at such a young age.  Very abandoning.

I think my H never felt protected (felt abandoned) from his abusive dad.  H was a difficult baby/young child and his dad didn't really like children, so H got the brunt of his anger a lot. 

I've often wondered what the heck his mom was doing when this abuse was going on. 

VA = verbally abusive

PA = physically abusive

[letmeout]

H grew up in a very dysfunctional family (I heard that his father had the same behavioral problems) and I came from a dysfunctional family.

[MammaMia]

Does anyone else wonder if there is such a thing as a "normal" family?

What does that mean exactly?

Even families that appear "perfect" to outsiders often have very dark secrets.

I get that some parents and/or families were purposefully dysfunctional and cruel.

I also believe some families did the best they could with what they had to work with.

There is certainly enough parental guilt to go around.  Some of it is very real and some of it is a result of circumstances.  Does that sound fair?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Both of my H's parents are Adult Children of Alcoholics.

When I met H 30 years ago, he readily told me that his mom's dad was an alcoholic.  no mention of any other issues.  Grandpa D was always portrayed as normal in other ways.

Then about 2 years ago, it was late one night, and out of the BLUE, H said that he "hated" his dad's dad.  I was shocked and asked why.  H said that his Grandpa C was "a big phony, because he was nice to others but very mean to Grandma M".  This was all news to me, so I asked for more info.  H said that when he and his brother would spend the night, his Grandpa C would start drinking, get drunk, and then start raging at nice Grandma M for no reason. 

I was dumbfounded.  I asked him why he never told me this.  it was so weird.  He had told me from the get-go about his other Grandpa being an alcoholic, but not this Grandpa.  When I asked for more info, H started getting angry, he raged a bit, and then told me to never mention it again. 

I don't know if this is a coincidence, but it was during this timeframe (2 years ago) that I also found out that my H had had a serious mental breakdown in college. 

[jollygreen]

I really liked my ex's parents a lot, they were really fun and we related on a bunch of stuff. I felt as if they treated me like a son. Heck, her dad on a couple occasions referred to her mom as my mom, kinda weird.

However, when my ex got mad or argued about something her parents would quiet up and sometimes give in. At times I felt like she was bossing around her parents. Most of the time it was about her parents house and how they should keep. I told her it's not her house, she said back they need to be reminded to do this and that.

I remember the first time she introduced me to her parents she was embarrassed of them.

[VeryFree]

My x's mommy didn't want children.

My x's daddy wanted children.

They had my x.

Mommy neglected her and didn't give her the love a child needs.

Daddy didn't do anything about it and was away most of the time.

Both her parents didn't like me.

Mommy told my ex, even before we met, that men aren't to be trusted.

Daddy didn't like how I tried to convince my x to break free from the negative influence of her FOO.

At the end mommy and daddy won... . I lost. And I think my x lost.

[FullMetal]

my dBPDw had an abusive almost alcoholic father and an OCD mother.  They lived a nomadic life living in many countries, they ultimately settled in Texas, (born in Canada, and they now live in Canada)  They were well off, had maids, and babysitters mostly.  (one major cause for abandonment issues is this story my wife told me when she lived overseas was they hired a babysitter for a long weekend (4 days) while they went to france.  they gave the babysitter like $2000 for food and payment for babysitting.  the babysitter left the two kids (6 and 4) alone for the entire 4 day weekend.  (adding that because that's a pivotal memory in my wife's life, and one that I believe really affected her) 

I met her father the day before our wedding... . led to a tense dinner... . although he seemed an ok guy, if a bit surly.

I know now he's an alocholic (or very close to one, he visited for about 3 days here and his empties brought in about $20... . ) 

[Saffron2]

My husband's parents are really great people - very kind, loving, an supportive, BUT they set no boundaries, so here he is a 40 year old man with the emotional maturity of a toddler.

I was the one with highly abusive parents, yet escaped without any kind of personality disorder.

[SadWifeofBPD]

BUT they set no boundaries

I think that's a biggie.  My H's mom never set ANY boundaries... . any.  The dad would have, but he kept his distance away from home as much as possible.  The kids were allowed to eat whatever they wanted, do few/no chores, watch as much TV as they wanted, no bedtimes, take each other's things, break each other's things with no consequence, get every toy they wanted, etc. That kind of upbringing combine with a PD is disastrous. 

I truly believe that if a pwBPD is raised in a loving home that has good discipline and boundaries, the person grows up being much easier to live with.